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What should i do to help insecure husband? #283482
12/05/06 11:52 AM
12/05/06 11:52 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 115
Ireland
M
MissCharlotte Offline OP
Jellyfish
MissCharlotte  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2006
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Ireland
I have been married for 9 years to a great guy. We are very happy, but there is one thing that is causing a problem lately. It has always been there i guess, but it has been on my mind more lately due to a new friendship that i'm forming.
My husband G is very insecure. I haven't had any male friends since i met him; i guess because i knew he wouldn't like it. He doesn't really have any friends at all. Or any hobbies. He waits to see what i'm doing on the weekends, and then tags along. He doesn't have any interests, bar watching sports on tv. I know it's hard to make friends as an adult, but surely if he had some interests it would be easier to meet like-minded people. I have tried to suggest this to him, but he says that as he works nights he can't do a class or joint a sports team as he wouldn't be able to commit to attending. I feel he is too reliant on me to 'be' his hobby.
This all came to a head recently when i met a guy through work that i really want to be friends with. We have lots in common; travel, films, books. I don't find him physically attractive so there's no danger of falling for him. My husband is really annoyed about this. Should i just give in to him and not be friends with this guy? That won't solve the real problem, which is my husband's insecurity. I have a wide circle of female friends, and am also very close to my family. I don't see why i should have to give up what might be a great frienship just because the friend is a man.
Do any of you have an insecure mate? How should i handle this? I want him to have a full life, with friends and interests. But i can't do it for him!

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283483
12/05/06 12:06 PM
12/05/06 12:06 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Verulamium, England
Alexandra Offline
Zebra
Alexandra  Offline
Zebra

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Verulamium, England
Quote:
This all came to a head recently when i met a guy through work that i really want to be friends with.....I don't find him physically attractive so there's no danger of falling for him.


I can hear alarm bells at 400 decibels here....

Don't kid yourself.
If you have this situation, believe me this WILL lead elsewhere.
People only ever find another relationship more enticing and attractive, when the one they are in has a problem.

So you have two choices:

Cool it, 'separate' yourself from this guy at work, but convince your husband you have a serious issue you both need to resolve,

OR:

Ignore your husband, develop the relationship you want with this guy - and see where it takes you.

The choices - and consequences thereof - are yours.









Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283484
12/05/06 09:38 PM
12/05/06 09:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,079
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kristen houghton Offline
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kristen houghton  Offline
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Physical attraction has very little to do with having an affair. (which you are not doing but I would advise you to be very careful here)

Interests, likability, and same ways of seeing things are factors that draw us to others. Can a man and a woman just be friends? That is a conundrum-maybe but most times not.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
Author and Relationship Writer
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Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283485
12/06/06 11:40 AM
12/06/06 11:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 115
Ireland
M
MissCharlotte Offline OP
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MissCharlotte  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 115
Ireland
I don't see a problem with men and women being friends as long as there is a commitment there (whether spoken, or merely understood) that it is just that: a friendship. Even if one or both parties develops feelings for the other, it needs to be clear that they are engaged in a friendship and nothing more. Of course, that could always be renegotiated; just like any other type of relationship, familial, romantic, work-related.
I would like my husband to be more independant. He would like to spend all his time with me. This is because he has no other interests. It's not that i'm so wonderful that he wants to drop everything else to be with me! It's because it's all he has. I find this stifling at times, and it's particularly noticeable at the moment because of this potential friendship. I feel like i am my husband's hobby. I have tried to address the problem a couple of times over the last nine years, telling him that everybody should look for joy in their lives. I ask him what he'd do if i died, and he tells me that he'd go away and live somewhere else. When i ask him what he would do there, he says he doesn't know. I think that the problem is within himself, but he won't discuss it. Nor will he go to counselling; if i suggest that, he gets angry and says i am looking for a forum to attack him.
The replies here so far seem to be focussing on the new friend, and while it's a symptom, it isn't the problem. My way of coping with this up to now is to just spend more time with my family and female friends if i need a break.
I am afraid of how i am feeling at the moment; this is a problem that i can't solve. I can deal with my own feelings by occupying myself with friends and hobbies until i am not feeling so annoyed about all this. But that doesn't help my husband.

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283486
12/06/06 12:14 PM
12/06/06 12:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Verulamium, England
Alexandra Offline
Zebra
Alexandra  Offline
Zebra

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Verulamium, England
Tell your husband this. Tell him that you have hit a stumbling block, but that without his input or communication, you are scared that there will ultimately be nothing to hold you together.If he won't discuss the imbalance, it could just tip you over the edge. And you're not being melodramatic, you're being realistic.
because whilst he will not engage, then you are not receiving what you need from the relationship.
He currently has an unhappy wife. But it's something he CAN do something about - with some effort.
Will he please make it?









Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283487
12/06/06 12:23 PM
12/06/06 12:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
New Hampshire, USA
bonsai Offline
Gecko
bonsai  Offline
Gecko

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
New Hampshire, USA
Millyella,

I remember you from the MNK forum and miss you over there...

I have a deal pal who was/is in your *exact* situation. She is a very dynamic, ecclectic gal (she's a flutist, but her day job is working for a large corporation, managing 50 administrative assistants; she's a real powerhouse). She's the chairperson of the local city arts foundation, etc. and conducts a local flute choir.

He's (B.) is an extremely sweet but very quiet guy. He's a foreman at a small company that makes precision instruments, and highly skilled. When they first met, he was literally like her puppy dog, following her everywhere she went: to every meeting, concert, dinner with fries, etc. Alarm bells started to go off for me, but the seemed so happy.

They got married in 11/02.

In late spring 2006, she started making noises about wanting to leave him. She said "Some people are "people" people. B. is a "person" person. I'm his "person". She told me that his idea of a good evening is for him to watch TV and for her to adoringly watch him watch TV. <sigh>

Long story short...she implemented a temporary separation (he actually moved out for a bit; before he moved out, she was talking with me about coming to my house for a short period to stay); she demanded that they seek counseling (I believe they have started it); she told him she needs more independence from him and he needs to be able to spend some time alone and not be attached at the hip.

It got his attention. He's working on it. He really loves her and wants the marriage to work, long-term.

I don't know if it will work, long-term, but the short-term results are promising. If it doesn't work, at least she'll know she really, really tried...

Hope this is of some help to you

Cheers

Elise

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283488
12/07/06 12:38 AM
12/07/06 12:38 AM
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Posts: 1,079
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kristen houghton Offline
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kristen houghton  Offline
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Has your husband always been like this? Did he have friends before you were married?

Some people are loners who attach themselves to their spouses and suffocate them with attention.

He does need to find out what the root of the problem is and to do that he needssome sort of counseling even if he goes alone. Actually, his going alone might be best as he feels that you would use the counseling sessions together to attack him.

Make it clear that this matter is very serious for you and is impacting your marriage in a negative way.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
Author and Relationship Writer
BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283489
12/07/06 01:50 AM
12/07/06 01:50 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 215
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Erika@Crime Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 215
If your husband developed a relationship with a girl from work whom he had similar likes but claimed no physical attraction so was assuring you there was no chance of anything happening how whould you be reacting internally and externally?

What about when he and she wanted to go out to dinner after work or to a movie or to just sit around and talk at a coffee bar on a saturday for a few hours with out you there?

Would you expect your husband to give up a friendship with a woman at work that he was interested in spending a great deal of time with just because she is a woman or would you feel comfortable everytime they disappeared for a day together or 3-4 hours together and never question of wonder if what he was telling you they did was real or a cover?

Please really think about the reverse of your situation...not just answer what you expect to answer...be honest with yourself.

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283490
12/07/06 11:51 AM
12/07/06 11:51 AM
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Posts: 1,079
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kristen houghton Offline
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kristen houghton  Offline
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Millyella-there is such a thing as "emotional cheating." Sex may never come into it but it is a form of cheating nonetheless.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
Author and Relationship Writer
BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283491
12/07/06 01:48 PM
12/07/06 01:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 115
Ireland
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MissCharlotte Offline OP
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MissCharlotte  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 115
Ireland
Hi elise, good to *see* you again! I miss a lot of you guys from MNK as well; i was upset by the whole business of a few weeks ago and thought it best to take a break.
Though obviously it hasn't all been fun and games since then! Your friend sounds like she's in the exact same situation. What she's doing is great, and hopefully their marriage can be saved. I may try that with g., though it will take me a while to get up the courage to explain how important this all is to me.
Kristen, i have read a little about emotional cheating. I guess it's a hard one to call when you sometimes talk to friends about your relationship. I would have no hesitation in telling my best friend if i was having a hard time in my marriage; she's very supportive and neutral. Would i do the same if my best friend was a guy? And is that emotional cheating? I think people know if they're cheating emotionally, and often set out to do just that. I haven't pursued a friendship with this man yet; i realise that i may not be as impartial as i think i am. I want to get my head straight before making any decisions.
When this problem has come up before, i've simply spent more time with friends and family so that i don't feel so stifled by g. Once i get some space, i can be around him again and we go back to 'normal'. I would just love for him to have a passion in his life; at this stage, i'd even be happy for him to take up golf!
He did have a female friend once when he worked at another job; she was really lovely and great fun. I didn't have a lot in common with her, but didn't mind them spending time together. He got a real kick out of her tall tales! But he didn't keep up the friendship when he left that job. I guess if he had a female friend he was hiding from me, i'd think it was a bit weird. But if someone is open about it, than why not trust them? I would trust him.

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