BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Miscarriage My misacrriage was 4mths ago..Feeling quite low:((

Hi to you all out there. My thoughts and heart are with you all out there.
I had a missed miscarriage on 21st April 2006 at 18weeks pregnant. We had a burial for our baby on 30th May, after returning from post mortem, we were given no answers or explanation, as no deformities or disabilities were found�Now over 4mths since that awful night I feel more down than ever. I know that my due date approaching on the 23rd September is part of how I�m feeling, as well as miscarrying the way I miscarried, (in brief) labour was induced, after part delivering and after over 5hrs in delivery I was taken down to surgery, are all contributory factors in how I�m feeling. I know and have read other peoples experiences and each and every one is emotional and tragic in its own right.

This baby would have been my second child, as I have already been blessed with my beautiful little girl who�s 6yrs old. Everyday I am grateful for the gift of motherhood and her health and wellbeing. I know that the pain and anticipation, would have been grief on a different level completely, if this was my first or/and subsequent pregnancies. So my thoughts and prayers are with you all out there in that situation. On the other side of the coin, I had to deal with not only the shattered dreams and anticipation for myself, but also for a six year old who�s dreams and excitement of becoming a big sister was also shattered. Trying to explain this to such a young child was one of the most difficult moments through my experience. However I feel that due to the consideration of the lasting effects this could have had on my little girl I had to put her feelings and emotions before mine. This at times was draining and extremely difficult; when I was in hospital I chose not to tell her about the miscarriage until I was home, so until she was told she continued to cuddle mummy�s tummy and kiss baby, even after she found out at times she said �no mummy, our baby is still in your tummy!�, even at the age of 6 she expresses herself through writing her baby brother letters on how much she loves him. For me reading these accounts was a tear in my heart. As not only did I have a son taken away, my little girl�s brother was taken. However, God gave me the strength to continue and maintain normality for my little girl�s sake. This I feel has resulted in delayed healing on my part, I have been unable to express myself as I needed to, to cry, scream and shout when I needed to. I had to maintain logic and stability for my little girl�I know the reality of what has happened but I don�t want to �get over it�, �move on� or avoid talking about him, as have been many peoples wise words! He was real. I have a scan picture on the mantelpiece along with my little girls, alongside his picture I have a teddy bear with �special little boy� on it. I have many other objects I have bought in his memory and in an attempt in keeping him close and �alive�. I know that he�s in my heart and that I don�t need external things to keep him in my heart but it�s a way of keeping him real in the physical world not just spiritual and in my emotions. I want people to know of his existence that he once was and was expected with great love�This experience has made me so aware that things can happen to US not just to other people. It makes me scared for my little girl and her being. I look at other families and buried children (my little boy is buried in a children�s cemetery) of older age, babies; toddlers, children, teenagers, and at times I feel guilty for my grief, as I wouldn�t even want to bring that level of grief even into my thoughts. My heart goes out to these families with angel children�
If you have read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy account of my experience, thoughts and feelings. As you can see (as through writing this account has become obvious to me also) I have very mixed thoughts and emotions. Is it normal? I would appreciate any advice and support. I would love to try and share my thoughts and advice others through my experiences.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you all. x-x-x

I am so sorry. I miscarried a while ago too. I am still trying to deal with. But I have no one to talk to about it. If you ever need to talk I am available. I am so sorry this has happened. But it is a good thing they had this website up huh?? I am doing somewhat better after having people to talk to that know what I am going through. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.

Many people make light of a miscarriage or infertility if you already have a child; but it is no different. Losing a child is losing a child whether your 1st or your 8th.

I think it is wonderful that you have been able to keep pictures of your baby. Parents would not be expected to get rid of photographs if their child passed away at a later age, and this was your child.

The good thing about your daughter is that children are very resilient. I realize she seems quite confused and shattered to you; but in all likelihood that is because she had not fully wrapped her mind around what a baby brother would be like. It is quite an abstract idea for a child until the baby is actually there. For your daughter she was probably just getting the grip of having another person around when she got the news that there would not be. Asking a 6 yr old to switch gears in any situation is challenging, and you may think you are hiding your feelings from her - but she senses them.

It might be better for your daughter to see you actually mourn. She undoubtably senses your grief. I'm not saying go wailing and tearing your hair out - but it is not bad for our children to see us cry - it lets them know that we have the same feelings they do.

Hugs, <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Hi Michelle
Thanks so much for your kind words. I think I made myself sound as if I never showed any emotion in front of my little girl. In the early days I did when we discussed what had happened and I made it clear that it was OK to cry, however, over the months I wanted her to see what had happened not to the extreme of devastation, but something that we can move on from. She therefore is comfortable with what has happened. I bought her a teddybear for 'a special sister' which she can cuddle. She has a 'feather in a box' to a sister with a very sweet poem.
One of the most difficult things I had to face was the general question of 'death'. My miscarriage arouse many questions, why people die; if mummy and daddy and all our family died, who would look after her?; the fact that she didn't want to die; she didn't want mummy to die. They were difficult concepts to try and address especially in the frame of mind I was in!! I also bought her the story book 'Michael Rosens Sad book', Michael Rosen wrote this book about his feelings after his son Eddie died!
Well, thanks again. x-x-x