My misacrriage was 4mths ago..Feeling quite low:((

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My misacrriage was 4mths ago..Feeling quite low:(( #266362 09/02/06 10:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 28 London. U.K angelbaby OP Newbie
OP angelbaby Newbie Joined: Aug 2006 Posts: 28 London. U.K	Hi to you all out there. My thoughts and heart are with you all out there. I had a missed miscarriage on 21st April 2006 at 18weeks pregnant. We had a burial for our baby on 30th May, after returning from post mortem, we were given no answers or explanation, as no deformities or disabilities were foundï¿½Now over 4mths since that awful night I feel more down than ever. I know that my due date approaching on the 23rd September is part of how Iï¿½m feeling, as well as miscarrying the way I miscarried, (in brief) labour was induced, after part delivering and after over 5hrs in delivery I was taken down to surgery, are all contributory factors in how Iï¿½m feeling. I know and have read other peoples experiences and each and every one is emotional and tragic in its own right. This baby would have been my second child, as I have already been blessed with my beautiful little girl whoï¿½s 6yrs old. Everyday I am grateful for the gift of motherhood and her health and wellbeing. I know that the pain and anticipation, would have been grief on a different level completely, if this was my first or/and subsequent pregnancies. So my thoughts and prayers are with you all out there in that situation. On the other side of the coin, I had to deal with not only the shattered dreams and anticipation for myself, but also for a six year old whoï¿½s dreams and excitement of becoming a big sister was also shattered. Trying to explain this to such a young child was one of the most difficult moments through my experience. However I feel that due to the consideration of the lasting effects this could have had on my little girl I had to put her feelings and emotions before mine. This at times was draining and extremely difficult; when I was in hospital I chose not to tell her about the miscarriage until I was home, so until she was told she continued to cuddle mummyï¿½s tummy and kiss baby, even after she found out at times she said ï¿½no mummy, our baby is still in your tummy!ï¿½, even at the age of 6 she expresses herself through writing her baby brother letters on how much she loves him. For me reading these accounts was a tear in my heart. As not only did I have a son taken away, my little girlï¿½s brother was taken. However, God gave me the strength to continue and maintain normality for my little girlï¿½s sake. This I feel has resulted in delayed healing on my part, I have been unable to express myself as I needed to, to cry, scream and shout when I needed to. I had to maintain logic and stability for my little girlï¿½I know the reality of what has happened but I donï¿½t want to ï¿½get over itï¿½, ï¿½move onï¿½ or avoid talking about him, as have been many peoples wise words! He was real. I have a scan picture on the mantelpiece along with my little girls, alongside his picture I have a teddy bear with ï¿½special little boyï¿½ on it. I have many other objects I have bought in his memory and in an attempt in keeping him close and ï¿½aliveï¿½. I know that heï¿½s in my heart and that I donï¿½t need external things to keep him in my heart but itï¿½s a way of keeping him real in the physical world not just spiritual and in my emotions. I want people to know of his existence that he once was and was expected with great loveï¿½This experience has made me so aware that things can happen to US not just to other people. It makes me scared for my little girl and her being. I look at other families and buried children (my little boy is buried in a childrenï¿½s cemetery) of older age, babies; toddlers, children, teenagers, and at times I feel guilty for my grief, as I wouldnï¿½t even want to bring that level of grief even into my thoughts. My heart goes out to these families with angel childrenï¿½ If you have read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy account of my experience, thoughts and feelings. As you can see (as through writing this account has become obvious to me also) I have very mixed thoughts and emotions. Is it normal? I would appreciate any advice and support. I would love to try and share my thoughts and advice others through my experiences. My thoughts and best wishes are with you all. x-x-x

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