BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids how many are CF BECAUSE OF family?

ok so I am wondering how many CF people out there have the courage to come forward and admit what I am about to....(it is not THAT bad!)
the number one reason why I chose not to have children is because of my family and his! I had lousy parents. Genetically defective for one. And insanity and neurosis and psychosis are common features of my ancestors. My mother did not know how to be a mother and didn't care enough to find out--I mean be real, she could have atleast read Dr. Spock! My father is a total loser and always has been. A liar, cheat, BS-er of the nth degree. Crazy as a loon, religious delusions. My only sibling is a nutcase who produced 2 nutcases of her own. For my own survival I moved away and stayed away. I have more contact with my mother now than I ever have, but she has called me on the phone maybe 3 times in 20 years--yeah she really misses me!
My husband's family---oh gawd. I have nearly left him a hundred times in 8 years all because of those horrible, evil people! Mine are nuts-but his are EVIL. Malicious, cruel, abusive. The word 'dysfunctional' does not even begin to cover the bases with them. If my family was on Dr. Phil--his would be on Jerry Springer. I knew before we ever met I did not want to pass even half my genes to another poor victim---but a week after meeting him I knew abortion would be the kindest route to take if I ever got pregnant. I would never allow his family to be alone with any child of mine--and they know it. They have threatened to kill me for it--and I am not exaggerating or joking.
How he and I turned out the way we did is unknowable--we must be throw-backs to some healthier genetic contribution of our ancient pasts.
But to take a chance on that happening again with a child of ours---too risky!
I have bad health and that is a consideration in my decision. The state of the World in general is another consideration. But neither of those two aspects would have stopped me from having children.
Anyone else make the decision to be CF based on their own or spouses family?

I say there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. After all, it's surprising to find ANY family that is not dsfunctional. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Ravyn,

Yes, my family definitely plays a part in my decision to be CF. My sister is a low-life drug addict who has 3 kids who are all turning into versions of her! I do not even speak to her at all. I cannot stand her. As far as I am concerned she is a pathetic excuse for a human being who is not worth my breath/energy/time. It scares me to watch how my nephews are influenced not only by her but also by peer pressure.
There is just too much of a risk there for me to want kids.
One thing that scares me is that my sister and I were raised by the same mother...I have never tried any type of drugs in my life and she is a drug addict....Seems to me having children is such a gamble. How was my mother to know she would get one daughter who is low-life and the other one an honor student and a college graduate? Just never know what you're going to get. I am not willing to gamble with my future in that way.

I also fear that I would not be a good parent because it is too easy for me to write a family member off (sister) when I don't agree with their lifestyle. I worry that any kid of mine who didn't turn out like I wanted them to....I feel that I would be very quick to turn my back on them....

I am the kind of guy who never gets into trouble, yet my family treats me as if I will get into trouble if they don't warn me against certain things. And I'm not talking about huge things. They are things that are minor, I already know from experience, or whatever else that just seems unnecessary to worry about.

Part of why I'm CF is because I've come to the realization that even if your kid turns out OK, you still worry to death. I don't want to go through that.

I definitely fall into this category... But I've never had a problem admitting it! Everyone, my family included, knows that the main reason I will never, ever produce a child from my body is that I refuse to pass on my genetics to anyone. To a degree, that includes my health problems, but it also includes a fear that I will be the same sort of BNP (breeder not parent) that my mother is and my sister is.

My mother, addicted to morphine after a serious accident before we were born, allowed her parents to adopt us when we were just babies.... This sounds fairly self-sacrificing, right? Doing the right thing for her children? Well, my maternal grandparents, who adopted my mother privately when every single adoption agency in the state of Texas turned them down due to my grandmother's mental instability, were not fit to raise goldfish, much less children. My grandfather wasn't so bad, but my grandmother did 90% of the raising of us, and she's the one who's nuttier than squirrel turds. My mother left home because of the way my grandmother treated her... And my mother regularly rants about how screwed up she is because of my grandmother. But when she wanted her freedom, she gave us up to them without blinking, and then went her merry way, rarely seeing us, and even when she made arrangements to see us, she rarely kept her word.

My sister got knocked up and married the guy (ironically only months after I had an abortion)... He was the first of two husbands, and her son from that marriage was the first of five pregnancies.... She has had three live births (she has custody of none of her children... Her oldest was taken away by the father and the courts refused to give her custody back, the second girl was given up for adoption, and she named a man who wasn't the father of the third girl on the birth certificate and signed away her parental rights to her to that man and his wife <apparently they were friends and couldn't afford adoption>)... and an abortion and a miscarriage. Rumors are that there was a second abortion, but she's never confirmed that. She does whatever she wants to do without thought to anyone else, including her children. She's selfish, self absorbed, irresponsible, immature and negligent when it comes to her personal affairs.

I'm not perfect... I set out to make some really stupid life choices early on. I was exceptionally promiscuous, I partied hard, without thought to anything... I [censored] away college, managed to acquire a drug addiction, and nearly died twice. I was at least smart enough to be "selfish" enough to have an abortion when I DID get pregnant, and aware enough that I didn't want children to make sure it didn't happen again. I've managed to get my life together... I cleaned up, beat the addiction (eleven years!!) and got married to a great guy. He's supported me through everything (we've been friends almost ten years longer than we've been a couple, 20 years altogether), and supports me in my decision not to have children (my family is example enough for him, lol). HIS family is amazing, and supportive, too. I have several serious, genetically hereditary health conditions that I don't want to pass on, either, so my decision is pretty much carved in stone not to ever get pregnant.

If the winds change (I doubt it, but I always make room for change) and we decide that our life is empty without children, we'll adopt. We like our life how it is right now, so I doubt we'll be doing even that.

I wonder sometimes if my feelings about children stem from my childhood, but I really can't look back and find something specific to blame it on.

My father was not around after I was 3. My mom worked hard as a single mom and provided for us and still managed to go to community school to better herself. I practically raised myself with babysitting from my grandma who was not really capable of providing anything more than meals. But I grew up in the country so I had plenty to do.

My siblings either want or already have kids. I do not and I can't simplify it more than I simply do not care for children at all. I know I "should" feel something when I look at a baby but I just don't. I can't see myself caring for a child.

Maybe if I were raised differently I would feel different, but I just can't believe that would be the case because of how deep these traits of mine seem to go into my personality.

Dear all, I have read all of your comments.

There is one thing I want to make clear.

If it is in the case that you don't want to have baby but your husband yearn for, how can you compromise ?

I am rather young by most people's standards and I am certainly not going to tell anyone to break up...

But I feel this is one issue that cannot be compromised in a way that is fair to either person. Maybe counseling can help people work through their feelings and maybe through joining groups that would allow one person to take and active role in another child's life...perhaps those can take the place of a real child in some people's lives.

But I also don't think it's fair to EITHER spouse to live in a relationship where you have no children and one parent wants one, or to have children that are not wanted by one parent.

I suspect most people give in to the other spouse and live to regret it. Maybe there are some that don't resent the children, but end up hating their spouse. But children can tell when they aren't wanted and they grow up to have problems with relationships. It doesn't really seem fair to anyone.

Some marriage counseling would be the best way to start out a heavy conversation like that.