Hi all, As an update I am still confused and still upset. I have started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have been to the therapist both with and without my husband but it hasn't been that long and it is a slow process. I'm trying to figure out what my deal is. Is it that I don't want kids or do i but i am just scared. I am scared of so many things. Sometimes I think it is helpful. Sometimes i think it is just hard and expensive. I recently did a google search and think i am tokophobic which i had never heard of before but seems like it describes me. Anyone else have this? It is the phobic fear of pregnancy and childbirth. More often it seems to revolve around the childbirth part but for me it is the pregnancy fear that resonated. It just doesn't sound doable to me. This may sound weird but to me it is similar to someone stretching their earlobes or neck (as you see in tribal pics). Does that make sense? It just doesn't sit well with me. I don't like medical things anyway. So that physical fear is one irrational fear I am dealing with. The other fears of having a baby are more standard such as the financial, emotional, logistical, all of that stuff that i think everyone has to some extent, or should, but maybe since i am high anxiety i have more intense fear. I also worry about depression. It has all become harder recently as i feel like an island when almost all of my friends (aside from work) are having / have had kids. I feel a lot of pressure from society, friends, my husband, and myself. I have discussed adoption with my husband as an option but he is pretty against it. He feels strongly that he wants biological children. I can 't fault him for his feelings even though it is hard for me to relate. We are sort of programmed to want to have children just as we are programmed as humans to be attracted to the opposite sex. Though some of us aren't. Anyhow, it is difficult. I have promised him i am going to try to work through my issues as much as i can. I owe him that as he is a great guy. I feel sometimes overwhelmed and can't take the pressure. I feel like i have to jump off a cliff on a bungy or lose my husband. It isn't that simple, but.. We have also discussed surrogacy as an option. Any input, stories, advice there? I have been crying more. I think about this issue every day, often, it consumes me. Very few people seem to understand. I have looked online for support groups that meet and haven't found any, partly bc i don't know what to search for. There are support groups for infertility, that is an easy search, and divorce, and childless, but not for unsure confused if i want children married people? Although I know so many more people must feel the way i do. The only thing that makes me happy lately is my dogs. They are the best. We are going away for our 5 year anniversary soon. I turn 35 soon. There was an article in Marie Claire magazine this month related to pregnancy and depression which is interesting and worth reading if that is a concern of yours. This is so hard. I hope i look back in a few years and wonder what i was so worried about. I am a worrier. This forum is really helpful. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for all of the advice, concern, stories.. Best