HI ladies - i am new to this forum - and stumbled on these posts - i am a mother - so please don't think i don't understand what you are all going through. We women who choose to have children go through much the same agonizing decisions as you do - but on a different level. At 20 - i had my life all mapped out - finish college - live in my cool apartment - party - have fun.....i was in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart (6 kids). I found out i was pregnant. Was using precautions (we'd been together for 4 years) - and all of a sudden - here i was pregnant. I was terrified (this was 21 years ago by the way). I thought of not having the baby - i thought of abortion - i even thought of adoption. I wasn't ready to have a child. I was selfish. I didn't have room in my life for a baby! My boyfriend at the time wanted to get married and i refused.
I had the baby (who is now almost 22) and amazing young artist. My father didn't speak to me for a year (i come from an irish catholic upbringing). One - i had a child out of wedlock - and 2 - i'd had sex before marriage! I struggled - alot but i was lucky i had older sisters who'd been married and had kids - and were wonderful teachers - and supporters. I finished school - got a good job - and that apartment - and me and my son - and ex (it didn't work out) tried to co-parent. When he was 3 - i got married. I didn't think i wanted anymore children.
I felt i was a good mom - but i could've been better. I was so young and made so many mistakes.....my husband and i decided to have another baby (he accepted my child as his own - even tho the childs father was very much involved). I was blessed with 2 more children (3 in all - all boys).
In my 40's now - i have friends that are just starting families - thru in-vitro-adoption etc. There is so much pressure on women -to HAVE IT ALL! I remember one thing when i had my first child - because i was so young - and unmarried - the ladies in the maternity ward 'assumed' i was a loser - unfit etc. When i got married and had 2 more children -the difference in the treatment was very different. I was amazed.
Having or not having is a choice - just as i believe it is a choice to be married or single - having children is a big deal. Not for everyone (and when they become teenagers most would say - they wish they hadn't!)....but again a choice.
I have a girlfriend who came from a very bad environment growing up - abuse-divorce - parents fighting over her and her siblings. She told me when we were kids she would never get married and never have kids - she never wanted to do that to them. Jump ahead quite a few years - she met a wonderful man -who is very understanding of her feelings - and they've decided not to have kids. She is a wonderful aunt - my kids LOVE her...and have asked her 'why don't you have kids auntie - you're so much fun' and she has always told them 'because i know i couldn't be as good a mommy as yours' (spun it a bit but you get the message)
We all know our limitations. Sometimes we are tested by other people but we are only living for us. We have to remember that. Having a child has nothing to do with anyone but you-period. Not having a child the same thing. There is an old saying - people who live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones. Most often when people question your actions - they are questioning their own. When someone is not happy with their life - its quite easy for them to pick apart someone else's.
Do i regret my decisions to have children. Never. They have taught me many lessons. I applaud women who stand up for what they believe in - period. Life always presents new opportunities every day - its what we do with those opportunities that matters!
