BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development happiness and change

hi guys,

I've been in a rut lately and a bit depressed for the last couple weeks. I decided though, i really want to make some changes in the next month, to become much happier... you know, make changes, address some of my problems, find some better attitudes and learn how to have fun again!

I was wondering if any of you are feeling the same way, and would you like to discuss daily for a month... sort of as motivational buddies?

How do we go about that? suggest.

I personally would suggest that you need some time on your own, in solitude, to really evaluate how far you have already come in your life.... Decide what aspects of yourself are holding you back.... Are you assertive enough to let others know what it is you want, without putting their noses out of joint, for example, or do you tend to sacifice your own will to keep others happy, even if you find that it's not exactly what YOU want to do?

What in your Life right now is bringing you Pleasure, and what is bringing you Happiness? There's a difference you know....

Just a hint:
Until you can completely be happy with yourself, content that what you are, is as whole as you want to be, and that you love and accept yourself unconditionally, whatever 'flaws' you might perceive (and these you can work on in your own time...or not, as your choice might be....) then, - nothing else will ever fit just right.

Start with you.
Then work down.

To begin with I can suggest something that works immediately.

Our mind and body are interconnected. Mind directly affects the body. But not many people know that body also directly affects the mind.

Watch your posture when you are depressed.
watch your posture when you feel happy.
Note down.

Whenever you want to feel happy, chane your body posture to that of a happy body. Your mind will follow.

I read this in one of the books of Anthony Robbins long back and tried it. It works beautifully.

Oh brilliant CDM, well done, Yes, I completely agree...!

Where the Body goes, the Mind follows, and where the Mind finds itself, the Body will be....

Another good tip, if I may add to your great advice, is to smile serenely for three deep breaths in, and three full, slow breaths out...

Hollyelise, do this six times a day, and coupled with the handy tip from CDMohatta, things will be a lot more positive much sooner than you think!

Reading jokes and watching funny movies changes mood immediately.

The only requirement is to break the state ofsadness and bring in the state of happiness. Some people enjoy being sad. Look at yourself and decide if you are one of them. If not, youwill achieve happiness very quickly.

Bertrand Russel has written a book on this subject. I do not recollect the name.

I am so glad you two came to this thread!

Yes, i agree, our bodies matter with our moods... and i completely forgot about posture! I have started getting back to walking every day though, and getting fit again and moving around i'm sure will help me feel better and sleep better, and if i lose a couple pounds, so much the better!

Reading jokes and watching funny movies is good... i was thinking of music - its always had such a strong power to change moods, so i'm going to look particularly for music that is happy and energetic. i used to put on things like Smashmouth and B-52s whenever i had to clean house before company. Sounds funny but it kept me moving faster and i got a lot more done in less time! I'd like to find something good to start my day off with, so i feel happier.

Alexandra, i see what you're getting at with the solitude... you have a good point about not being assertive. I think it does affect self esteem in a big way, and i've been thinking self esteem is so important to happiness! But for me, and for a friend of mine who is very depressed... we spend far too much time alone as it is and need to do the opposite... push ourselves to be more social even when we don't feel like it. If we're around people... me in particular because of my history... we feel better and are more mentally healthy. I think most people when they are depressed have a tendency to withdraw, and that's not good. Even if you have a family, it may not look like you're withdrawing when they are around, but if you quit seeing your own friends and doing your own thing, or quit really connecting with others, that could be withdrawl. There is even research evidence now that shows calling a friend daily will improve your heart health and extend your life expectancy considerably!

Here are some other ideas i had:

Journalling, but with a couple of specifics in mind. Each morning i want to list three things i can look forward to in my day. I think this will put me in a better mindset for the day. In the evening i want to write about three high points of my day, or if i'm not feeling well, at least write three things i feel grateful for. This i think will help me shift my focus from the negative to the positive and if i do it for 30 days, it should become a habit.

Interupting old patterns of thinking - If i catch myself straying down that old sad path of thinking and getting sad or worried, i'm going to interupt it with ... oh, maybe singing a song, or reading a book, doing something to solve my problems or calling someone and talking on a completely unrelated topic, or something like that. I'm also going to try to talk positively to others... because i want to see where this will go. I have a hunch that if i can give up complaining for a month i won't feel like i'm holding it in, but instead that things actually ARE better... that i'll get swept up with being more positive, and others being more positive in return. Of course, part of this is i'm going to watch how i talk to myself. I'm going to try to quit thinking negatively, or making any unkind comments about myself.

And a big part of my plan, is i'm going to start addressing some of the problems i have in my life. I think a lot of times we get depressed or in a rut because we feel discouraged from solving those problems, but as soon as we quit trying... that's when the bad moods settle in. It's complacency, and we feel powerless then. We feel not good enough to solve them, or something. Or sometimes we try, but give up waaaaaay too easily, and then try again, and give up again, and then feel like a failure. So for me... i need to go back to college to finish my BA and earn more income starting this month and improve my social life... particularly i'd like to find a good mate... i don't mean any guy... i mean only someone who enhances my life considerably.

But i do want to address the problems. Attitudes are important... in fact they are almost everything... but i don't want to feel like i'm putting band-aids on a serious wound, either, and just smile my way through and never do something about the issues in my life.

So what do you think? Do you like the journalling idea?

Let's see... today i'm looking forward to: lunch out with my friends, going for my long walk in the beautiful spring, my coffee...mmmm! And knitting on a beautiful flowered purse project that's almost done!

Well, they do say "T'is part of the cure to wish to be cured" - !!
What I meant by solitude is not necessarily cutting yourself off from people for a prolonged period of time...I meant it more in a way of just finding an hour or two to yourself to just focus inwards, without external chatter or distraction... Having a lot of people around you is a good thing generally, because Man as a species is a gregarious animal in general, for sure....
But just occasionally, we need a bit of 'me' time to just get our thinking hats in order, if you see what I mean. Just so's to access your deeply inner self (What DO I sound like - !?) and ask yourself the really important questions only you can answer....
And you know what? If the answers don't come immediately, the fact that you've asked them has created an opening into your ublime sub-conscious, and eventually, you'll get the lightbulb moment, in one way or another.... maybe whilst you are journalling...

Good idea that...but don't get too attached to what you write. Look upon it as putting it on the page, and cleansing it from your mind.
And don't keep it for more than 6 months. believe me, by then you will have sooooooo moved on, you might find some of it plainly laughable or ridiculous.... "I felt like THAT?! What a dork!!"

I have experience, you know - !!

hahaha... you are funny Alexandra, it's like i can see little laugh crinkles at your eyes when i read what you write. It makes me feel good.

Well for me, the walking is my introspection time. my "path" is 6 or 7 miles, so it takes me about an hour and 45 minutes to complete it. I take music with me, usually, but sometimes i don't listen to it and i try to spend at least some of the time in the quiet each time... or rather listening to the nature around me. Somehow, the thinking is always better (more clear) when i'm doing this walk than when i'm trying to be quiet to think at home... why is that? And you're right, sometimes i just put a question "out there." It's what i call my "back burner" thinking. You know how when you're cooking you may have something in a skillet on the front of your stove that you're watching and stirring, but you have something on the back burner too, that you hardly have to check because it just takes care of itself? Like that. it's ready when it's ready.

Too late about the not hanging on to what i write.. HAHHAHAHHAHA! I have at least two dozen journals stuck in a drawer. I even have the entries (*gasp*) indexed. hahahha. I can pull one out, scan the index and find entries about my mother, or art or whatever topic i want and go to the page. It's interesting... i haven't gone back in ages, but when i do i find a lot of the ridiculous as you say, but also some real gems, too, that let me see who i was, or what i thought about long ago and had forgotten. And sometimes it helps me to feel better when i see how i HAVE moved on!

How are you today, Alexandra? Is it beautiful weather where you are? We're having a very pretty day here in Ohio.

The weather has been unseasonably mild and warm, and we have had some delightful, clear-blue-sky spring days....
There is something quite dazzling about seeing a tree laden with pink blossom against an azure morning sky....I find it just empties the mind with it's transitory beauty, and just the sight of it can bring anything into perspective....deep breath.....and relax.....:)

Yes, its a beautiful day here too, and i have already been for my long walk. Very pleased about that... i think i'm back on track with the exercise habit!

Today i was thinking about happiness and self esteem, and being able to rely on oneself. The people i see who are the most unhappy, feel like they can't accomplish what they want, so why bother? Or they make an effort but give up way too easily, because they get tired or discouraged. It even starts to be that they don't want to agree to meet with you/me 'cause they don't know how they'll feel or if they'll sleep the night before, or if they can count on themselves to show up... they start not to promise anything, or be on time, or stay true to what they say they will do, and it just seems to spiral downward. Can you tell i have a little experience with a friend who's like this? (two, actually).

And this made me think... i'm not as bad as that, but i do have some of that bad attitude. So how can i believe in myself better than i do today? How can i know i can rely on myself to do what i say i'll do, and accomplish my dreams? (as well as not be so flaky to others). How can i get back a sense of optimism, confidence, and security? And how about consistency!?

...and i think i know how now. PRactice!

I noticed that with me, i can handle about two extra things a day besides my routine, and then things start falling apart. A metaphor i think of is being a juggler... i'm a two ball juggler. Throw me a third, and one of them is going to drop! Like right now, besides work and feeding myself, i can only count on myself to follow through with two things. Right now, one is my walking, and then i'll do one other thing a day like pay bills or write on my book or something. I'd like to be a three ball juggler, so i'm going to work on that, but in the mean time, i'm lucky i know i can count on my accomplishing two things. If i start my day, i can say, "okay, what are the two most important things i do today?" and i can be 95% sure i can get them done. This is a big breakthrough for me! Why? Because i'm realizing i can COUNT on myself to do two things... that's actually more important than the two things themselves! Because you see, if you can count on yourself, lots of good things come from that... including the ability to direct your own destiny, and the security of knowing you can! If you can count on yourself... well, you know that saying, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!" ...well if you can count on yourself to do one or two things a day... you can eat almost any elephant you choose! You can read to be knowledgable and successful at a particular career and work hard at your job, you could meet people so you can find your true love, you can go back to college... study each day one day at a time and earn a degree, you can look for a better paying job, spend quality time with your family.... you can do anything you choose! All that remains is to figure out what's most important to you.

So i think this is big! I'm going to pay better attention to what my two things are each day and be very selective about them, and then just put my heart into being reliable with accomplishing those two things every day until i reach my goals. I think too often we give up waaaaay too soon or we just aren't consistent in our efforts... often getting distracted or discouraged. I'm excited about this!

Where did everybody go? How are you doing?

I noticed on this forum, readers outnumber posters about 9 to 1 !!! Any chance i can get you silent folk to pop in and say hello or make a comment?

I'm still working out happiness for myself. Today i taught most of the day, so i was busy and not much time to think about stuff. Now i'm home, and sometimes when i come home after a people-filled day i get a little bit sad or restless because i live alone. Also, when it gets dark i noticed i sometimes get a mood change. Anyone else like that? If i stay busy though, its usually better.

I haven't forgotten this "two things a day" bit either, and i think if i plan out a week at a time it will be easier for me to slide into doing the next thing when i get a quiet moment like this.

Anyway, take care (to anyone reading this), best wishes!

Make someone happy if you want happiness. Be a honest person. And speak what you mean. Duplicity can make one feel good and fool people but can never give happiness.

I concur.

I disagree.

I agree those are important things to do and be, but i don't agree they will make a person happy.

Personally, i am happier when i help others, but i've known too many women who were quite unhappy when they tried to make others happy, because they lost themselves in the process. Making someone else happy isn't always possible, either.

Nor do i agree that honesty or lack of duplicity will make a person happy, because i am honest and have been unhappy, and sometimes i've even suffered BECAUSE i am honest and had to stand up. And my friend M is one of the most honest people i've ever known, and he suffers terribly of depression!

Furthermore, i've met some corrupt people who lie and only care about themselves and surprisingly, they can live with that and don't seem to be troubled with unhappiness.

It would be nice if we were rewarded with happiness for being a good person, but that just isn't true. Some good people are happy, some good people are very unhappy. Some bad people are unhappy, and some bad people are happy.

hollyelise ,

how do you define happiness? unless that is found further dialogue will not give results.

Interesting question. Hadn't really thought about it. I guess i was defining it by the sensation. Happiness is a feeling, and as such a very personal experience. But i can see in what i already wrote i'm also assuming it is mentally healthy and balanced joy as opposed to say, a drug high. And i distinguish it from success because i know that people can be outwardly successful and still feel miserable. I also know people who are poor or who've had a lot of tragedy in their lives, and yet they somehow are able to be mostly happy.

Like my student, S... she's been fighting a rare and life threatening disease for the last two years and has felt ill a lot, she's lost a grandchild shortly after she was born, she had two suicides in the family and one of her sisters is in an abusive marriage, and who knows what else and yet S is one of the happiest people i know! She is filled with love for her family and people around her, and finds so many good things in people and things that happen each day that she takes joy in. Her faith also gives her great joy, and she knows how to have fun and cracks jokes and laughs at herself, too. It's not a cover either... she has a sort of magnatism to her.

How about you? How would you define happiness?

Happiness for me is the feeling of contentment tha comes when we know that we are leaing a proper life with correct values. Only that happiness is permanent. Other kind in my opinion is drug high as you so aptly call it. Your comments please.

I think its much the same way for me, too, but sometimes i wonder if that isn't perhaps just how i was brought up. Does everyone feel happiness the same way? I don't know. Not sure i can speak for anyone except myself.

I'm trying to think of the happiest people i know, and right now what comes to mind are people who are, as you say, people with values.

But i'm still not sure, cd... that all happy people have deep values. And again, i can think of people who have deep values but who are not happy at all.

Maybe happiness is a combination of things. I should think it impossible to be happy if you aren't happy with yourself... and you'd have to feel you are following your values to be happy with yourself, wouldn't you? I mean, you can't do things you feel are wrong and then be happy with yourself. But as people have different values... i think we'd see some happy good people and some not so good happy people.

I don't think everyone who follows their values are happy. Some people are just not at peace! ...not at peace with the world.

I think our perspective has a LOT to do with how happy we are! In everything we look at or experience, every single day... we can either find bad in it or good. We can enjoy people... or not. We can enjoy the weather... or not. We can enjoy our work... or not. And i think that has to do with our attitude a lot more than it does the circumstance! You'll find people with the strangest jobs who love their work.

And me, for instance, i often enjoy cold rainy weather. Go figure! But i feel lucky that i do... i enjoy most weather! Sunny, hot, gray, cold, stormy... each has its own delights. I only wish i could do that with everything in my life... to see the good in it and enjoy it for what it is. I'd like to see my worries in life as just interesting challenges, a chance to make change. I feel better when i feel compassion towards everyone and can find good in each person. I'd like to be able to find things to look forward to in every hour of the day, and be more appreciative of what i have.

A very detailed and a very good analysis.
Were you happy when you wrote this?

hahahaha!

I was okay. Not exactly happy, but not unhappy either.

Things have been mixed for me lately. I've been through a lot of tragedy and scary stuff in my life, and often suffer from nightmares, and feel more stress i think, than most people in ordinary situations. The past couple of weeks the nightmares have been bad again, so it's been a challenge for me to have good days and have energy to get things done.

But i have some successes, too. I have been better at working towards my goals the last few months. I've been fixing up my house a little (i have an old house), and i've been dating, and writing and looking for additional work. And i think i've gotten a bit better at enjoying life.

How about you? How are you doing?

I am trying to find the meaning of the word happiness. Is it contentment?

And I am so happy that you are fighting your battle bravely. You will win that surely.

Now what did I mean when I used the word happy in my earlier sentence? I wonder.

Thank you.

Perhaps it matters less what happiness means, as it does what it means TO YOU.

I was reading something recently... sorry i can't remember who wrote it... some psychologist i think... who said that a great many people don't know what makes them happy. If i remember right, she was also saying that we often don't realize little things that make us happy... petting an animal, for example, or seeing flowers in a vase. She suggested writing down every time you catch yourself smiling spontaneously or laughing, until you know what makes YOU happy.

The whole idea was to understand, so you can bring more of it into your life. I think it was a great idea. In fact, since you've reminded me of it, i think i will try it for today and tomorrow.

I've gotten off track with my goals for this month. What i was going to do was each morning come up with at least three things to look forward to, each night think of three highlights of the day and things that i could feel good about myself. I was going to set three little goals for each day to work towards my dreams or solve some of the problems i have. I was also going to take care of my health by exercising every day, eating better, drink more water, and keep regular wake times and bed times.

But i quit exercising when it got cold the other day. I'm not keeping regular sleep hours and am staying up too late. This morning i only thought of one thing to look forward to. I'm sort of working towards my goals, but not in any significant way.

Time to get back on track!!!!! I do believe these things will make me a happier person, if i will only do them. And i figured one month is not a big commitment, surely i can do that!

I would like to talk more about happiness, if anyone would care to join.

OH! I did start writing down every time i catch myself spontaneously laughing or smiling... what made me smile.... pretty interesting!

Here are a few things i have so far:

--drinking coffee
--talking to my friends
--seeing the herbs growing on my kitchen windowsill
--looking at design magazines
--hearing about people overcoming challenges to become healthy

What kinds of things made you happy today?

Talking to my mother about her past.
Looking at laughing children.
talking to our housemaid.
Being on Bellaonline.


Coming back- sometimes we make ourselves unhappy when we do not meet our goals. We go in guilt and that is wrong. I would say- Set goals but if you can not meet them, try again but do not analyze.

Your goals are for becoming happy. Why should they make you unhapopy if you do not meet them. You should be happy either way.

This is a real great advise.

If your motive is solely to make the other person happy, you will be happy too.
If your motive is to make yourself feel good about making others happy, then you will fail. It's all to do with the motivation.



There is a difference in purely working in life to make others happy, and having an agenda. Unfortunately, few realise this. They expect a payback of some kind. Gratitude, indebtedness, some kind of reward.... This is always self-serving, and doomed to failure, because 9 times out of 10, others do not react as we would wish.
"No good deed goes unpunished" is a true saying. If all you're looking for is some kind of recognition - and many women do - then your good deeds will go punished rather than rewarded...your kindness gets taken for granted, you develop resentment and complain, eventually, of being treated like a doormat.


The reason for this is that where your mind meets feelings, YOU have the choice of either being fettered or freed. Emotions ultimately lead simply to pain, because we have high expectations of others, and invariably we open ourselves to disappointment. If we expect nothing, then the rewards are, paradoxically, limitless, because we feed our own reward.



People live lies. Ask anyone who seems happy with their corruption, what would make them happy. they will give you some goal or aim...some desire...their seeming happiness is never enough, they believe just a bit more of this, that, or the other will increase their happiness and bring them fulfillment. Why? because those who are happy by foul means are never satisfied....



Happiness accumulated through exterior means is never satisfactory. It never lasts, it fluctuates, it is dependent on transitory, impermanent means of achieving it. True Joy and Serenity arises from within. If you can cultivate this, you need never give permission to external factors to ever trouble you again. 'Good' times may come, and they will surely go. So will 'bad' times. If you are as solid as a rock with your own personal inner peace, your inner tranquility will shine like a lighthouse in a storm-ridden sea.....

My view. Thank you.

Give happiness= Get happiness is the mantra for this.

You have a good point there. I think i judge myself too much. I don't mean to, but somehow that inner critic is usually there, measuring and telling me i'm not enough. I wish it were a simple matter of firing its employ.

Women who find themselves miserable in abusive relationships are not miserable because they are "trying to make themselves feel good about making others happy." I believe that many of them are trying to make their abuser happy because they genuinely love them and are not thinking of themselves at all.... quite the opposite of what you are saying. Their abuser's happiness becomes all important in their world and their own happiness of no importance, so they remain. They don't have enough self esteem to care about themselves, or the ego to try to make someone else happy in order to fluff their own feathers. And they are definitely not seeking rewards... unless you count not being hit or mentally tortured, but that wouldn't explain how their situation began.

So i would say this statement is untrue: "If your motive is solely to make the other person happy, you will be happy too.
If your motive is to make yourself feel good about making others happy, then you will fail. It's all to do with the motivation."

We do not live in a fair world where the selfless are rewarded for their goodness with happiness. I think some are able to be both good and happy, but not all, and therefore goodness does not bring happiness.

Consider children. Most children, particularly young children, are innocent. They are also quite frequently unselfish in wishing others to be happy, particularly their parents. And yet look at how many children in this world are abused and unhappy. If we are to believe your statements, then they are unhappy because they have an agenda and are thinking of themselves.

Okay... i feel more awake now, so its time to get myself mentally sorted out for the day!

Things i'm looking forward to today: teaching my class tonight, walking in the warming spring weather, reading, meeting with my friend to write, enjoying my cat Fisher, enjoying coffee!

Just thinking about these things makes me feel better! Looking out my window, i see spring is here. We just had a cold front go through with lots of blowing snow, and unfortunately it killed many of the flowers. But it has passed now and it's warming up again, and looking out my window i see the bright green of early spring on a bush that had been brown all winter, and the first leaves are appearing on the trees.

I am happy because you are happy.

That is so sweet!

How was your day, cd?

Mine was good but it was a tougher day of teaching than usual. My students kept me hopping and they admitted they were a bit difficult today. I had to keep reasserting control of the class so i could teach a little because there were so many interruptions including one of the owners interupting my afternoon class in the middle of a demonstration i was giving to ask everyone their opinion for new wall color and to go over paint chips and argue about color (keep in mind these are adult women, mostly seniors, hahaha, but a boisterous lot! It was like trying to harness wild horses!). Towards the end of the day, i got a little cranky. Of course it's so rare that i'm cranky that when i am no one ever takes me or my comments seriously and today they would just respond to me with, "We gotta get you a man, honey!" in concerned voices, as if the only reason i could every be cranky is if i'm not getting enough sex. hahahaha!!!! (Well maybe its partly true, hahaha)

Ah well. Now at least i can relax. It wasn't a bad day... just challenging and tiring. I should do some paper work now... i have some pressing deadlines giving me stress, but i might just ignore it tonight and try to relax and rejuvinate.

Sometimes in my quest for happiness i am reminded by the world that i do not live in a bubble. Today was one of those days where there was a definite tide! I stayed afloat, and managed to laugh and find satisfaction in my work.

Yes, you are right. Satisfaction in work gives great happiness. Watch your mood when you are dissatisfied. That will be unhappy.

So satisfaction in work is a key to happiness because we feel worthy of ourselves andd have healthy self esteem.

hmmm. i don't know about worthy, but i do enjoy helping others, teaching skills, and giving them joy!

When you enjoy, you get happiness. Right?

Yes.

But don't you find there are some people who do good and help others, but still have low self esteem?

Yes. Very valid point. Such people are there. They begin believing that they are in this world only to help others. They have no rights of their own.

Well, I think we need to take a step back a moment... First of all, in the context of the original questions, and answers I gave to your previous statements, I had not considered an abusive situation at all....you have just brought this into play. Whilst I am not implying it's not relevant, I had not realised you were thinking of this aspect when responding to your original comments.
Secondly, in such a situation, the consideration of 'happiness' is irrelevant. in fact, to consider any form of happiness taking place in such a situation is simply out of the question. There can be no form of happiness, unless you consider respite as happiness. Such a relationship can't even be considered in this context. The abuser is not happy, no way. And of course, neither is the abused.


No. In light of the original parameters, I think it is still unquestionably true.


It has nothing to do with fairness or unfairness. These are just red herrings. It is quite possible to be happy, serene, content and joyous, IN SPITE of everything going on around you. It's a question of being able to rise above such mundane illusory and transitory things. It's not waht happens externally that counts. It's how you deal with it inwardly.



Actually, children are amongst the most selfish beings around. It's just that they don't know it. Every child - from Birth - seeks warmth, comfort and food, and kicks up a fuss if they don't get it. I remember being a mother to two toddlers, and believe me, they are selfish and self-serving. It's just that they have not been taught the skillful means of distinguishing happiness from selfishness. And this is quite normal and natural for any child.
As to the 'abused' bit, again, you have introduced this as a new proviso and angle....

However, I happen to know - yes, KNOW - that with the right Mental training, inward Serenity, Joy and happiness is achievable, even in the most desperate of situations.

Alexandra,

I was not thinking of abusive relationships when i began this thread, but nor were people in abusive situations ever excluded from consideration "in the original parameters," ...only later by you, and you were making an assumption. The reason I brought up the subject of abuse is because it illustrates a flaw in your sweeping statement:

"If your motive is solely to make the other person happy, you will be happy too."

I don't think a person would have to be in an abusive situation for them to be unhappy while serving others selflessly and "without an agenda" as you put it. Nor is it mutually exclusive for a person to live largely alone and be happy (i.e. again happy in the absence of helping others). And i think if your statement is false in some situations, it calls into serious question that "making others happy" is actually responsible for our happiness in general terms as you stated it, or if instead there are other causes of happiness and sometimes selflessness is present when someone is happy, and sometimes selflessness is present when a person is unhappy. At any rate, you certainly have not, in my opinion, and even with your added comments, effectively argued the truth of your statement.

You also said, "Secondly, in such a situation, the consideration of 'happiness' is irrelevant."

Why???? Excuse me, but look again at the title of this thread. And look too at the post that prompted your comment. I have a pretty good idea what's relevant and isn't in this topic, for i started the topic and this thread. Again, no one is excluded from this discussion, or the potential of happiness, we were simply discussing what might bring about happiness, for me, for you, for everyone and anyone interested... in general terms... and i disagree with your view. So where did you derive that happiness or any individual's situation is not relevant to this discussion????

This thread started out with my saying i'm interested in being happier this month and is anyone else interested? What followed was suggestions and their discussion of what might bring about happiness (for me, for you, for anybody), so i don't see why any situation would be "irrelevant."

And then, here's a beaute, in your following two statements in the very same post, you are contradicting yourself:

"Secondly, in such a situation [abuse], the consideration of 'happiness' is irrelevant. in fact, to consider any form of happiness taking place in such a situation is simply out of the question."

...and...

"It is quite possible to be happy, serene, content and joyous, IN SPITE of everything going on around you."

May i suggest you crow a little less loudly and with less rude condescension at least until you figure out what you're saying.

Hi,hollyelise

We were having a good discussion about happiness. Let us continue.
We were talking about those who believe in making others happy.
They may have low self esteem, you said and I commented back.
Let us go from there.
I am enjoying talking to you.

Hi,hollyelise,

Here is a request.

will you please participate in the child abuse forum for few days.
You can contribute substantially.
Especially about-

How to identify an abused child.
How to identify an abuser.

Again, i see "making others happy" as a seperate issue. We haven't touched on it directly, but the whole concept that we can make someone happy, is flawed, or at least i think so, and it is my understanding that the field of psychology teaches that we can't make others happy. We each have choices we can make for ourselves, so none of us can "make" someone happy, or make someone else do what we think would make them happy. If we could make our loved ones happy, then there would certainly be fewer unhappy people in the world, and fewer suicides and life threatening addictions, don't you agree? The best we can do is offer opportunities to others, which they can choose to accept, or not. They may see things differently, and choose not to accept the gift, advice, help, whatever, because they don't want to, or don't think it will make them happy, or they may want to do something else. Sometimes in families, one person's deep love for another makes them wish with all their heart to make another happy, and yet for all that desire and effort, it doesn't always happen.

I am more interested in figuring out what individuals can do for themselves when they wish to be happy, and what additional things i can do for my own happiness. I am happy sometimes, but i would like to figure out, if i can, how to be more reliably happy, day in, day out. I know that for me, helping others does often cheer me... but i also know that it is a temporary feeling, and cannot alone turn me into a mostly happy person. When i leave the person i have helped and left the presence of their happiness or relief, my own happy feeling from that experience quickly fades.

What i have found is attitude and focus seem to have much, if not everything to do with happiness. Optimism seems to be part of it, appreciation seems to be part of it. To the degree that i've been able to change my focus to more positive things, i have improved my moods.

But i am certainly a flawed person. I have been through much and have an over-abundant supply of sad and difficult memories when i choose to dwell on them, and they can quickly leave me feeling discouraged and pessimistic about my present and future. I can also be sensitive to irritations that appear in the present (unfortunately, i may just have given an example). I wish i were less sensitive to irritations, and i'd like to learn how to be less prone to negative focus. Sometimes i wonder if it is like becoming fit of body... that i need to exercise my "happiness muscles" not just smiling, but i mean, through daily practice improving my focus, love, and optimism. If it is like a muscle, or a habit... well, it won't change in a day. It will take diligence.

I think nearly everyone has had enough sadness, loss, or hurt that if they dwell on it, it could consume them. But then i wonder if the converse is true... that we each have seen enough beautiful things, experienced enough love and joy that if we were to dwell on it more, and on the blessings of each moment, that it could fill us up.

I don't happen to be Jewish, but there is a line from the Talmud that i think i can remember... something like, "God will on Judgment hold us accountable for each blessing we failed to recognize."

Sometimes i talk too much, and then feel like an idiot.

It will take me time to respond fully to what you say. But you are making tremendous sense. Let me tell you that if you continue, one day you will be able to write a book - My quest of happiness and how I obtained it or something like that.
I will revert to your post very soon. It needs to be read repeatedly.

Do you accept my request for child abuse forum?

I will go look at the child abuse forum, and then see. i suppose if i look, its too much to hope i won't say anything... hahahahhaa. I would be glad to be of help, but i am a little concerned about my focus.

Someone who was a survivor of child abuse once said to me, "When you're on an airplane, they tell you if the cabin loses pressure, you MUST put the oxygen mask over your own face before attempting to help others." hahhaha. I never forgot that. And no, she wasn't suggesting not to help others, she was just saying don't be an idiot, be sure to take care of yourself!

Also, thank you for the compliment. I actually came to this website for stimulation and to hear other views and ideas, because i was contemplating a book on this subject and had already started notes... not because i feel i know anything,... but because i hope to discover through writing about it, and yes, if i can help myself, perhaps others could help themselves with the same ideas.

In an interview when asked how he got ideas for his books, D.H. Lawrence said something like, "I don't write to say what i think, i write to find out what i think!"

RESPONSES IN BOLD LETTERS. THANKS.

Again, i see "making others happy" as a seperate issue. We haven't touched on it directly, but the whole concept that we can make someone happy, is flawed, or at least i think so, and it is my understanding that the field of psychology teaches that we can't make others happy.

I AGREE WITH YOU HERE

We each have choices we can make for ourselves, so none of us can "make" someone happy, or make someone else do what we think would make them happy. If we could make our loved ones happy, then there would certainly be fewer unhappy people in the world, and fewer suicides and life threatening addictions, don't you agree?

YES, I AGREE. LET ME TELL YOU THAT I HAD NOT THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT THIS. YOU MADE ME THINK.

The best we can do is offer opportunities to others, which they can choose to accept, or not. They may see things differently, and choose not to accept the gift, advice, help, whatever, because they don't want to, or don't think it will make them happy, or they may want to do something else. Sometimes in families, one person's deep love for another makes them wish with all their heart to make another happy, and yet for all that desire and effort, it doesn't always happen.

I AGREE AND I HAVEEXPERIENCED IT FIRST HAND

I am more interested in figuring out what individuals can do for themselves when they wish to be happy, and what additional things i can do for my own happiness. I am happy sometimes, but i would like to figure out, if i can, how to be more reliably happy, day in, day out. I know that for me, helping others does often cheer me... but i also know that it is a temporary feeling, and cannot alone turn me into a mostly happy person. When i leave the person i have helped and left the presence of their happiness or relief, my own happy feeling from that experience quickly fades.

I AM GETTING YOU.

What i have found is attitude and focus seem to have much, if not everything to do with happiness. Optimism seems to be part of it, appreciation seems to be part of it. To the degree that i've been able to change my focus to more positive things, i have improved my moods.

WE NEED TO KEEP OUR FOCUS ON POSITIVES. AGREE.

But i am certainly a flawed person. I have been through much and have an over-abundant supply of sad and difficult memories when i choose to dwell on them, and they can quickly leave me feeling discouraged and pessimistic about my present and future. I can also be sensitive to irritations that appear in the present (unfortunately, i may just have given an example).
I GET THE SAME FEELING AS YOU.DITTO

I wish i were less sensitive to irritations, and i'd like to learn how to be less prone to negative focus.

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING HERE. I AM ALSO SENSITIVE TO IRRITATIONS AND LOOSE MY FOCUS. AFTER THAT I IMMEDIATELY BEGIN THINKING ABOUT THE WHY OF THE PERSON WHO IS IRRITATING ME. THEIR IQ MAY BE LOW, OR THEY MAY HAVE SET IDEAS OR THEYCOME TO IRRITATE ME AND PROVE THEMSELVES RIGHT. I ANSWER THEM IN BRIEF OR SOMETIMES AVOID ANSWERING ALTOGETHER AND CARRY ON. I FAIL MANY TIMES AND CONTINUE TO DWELL ON IRRITATIONS.

Sometimes i wonder if it is like becoming fit of body... that i need to exercise my "happiness muscles" not just smiling, but i mean, through daily practice improving my focus, love, and optimism. If it is like a muscle, or a habit... well, it won't change in a day. It will take diligence.

iT TAKES YEARS TO CHANGE HABITS. BUT A STEP A DAY ALWAYS HELPS.

I think nearly everyone has had enough sadness, loss, or hurt that if they dwell on it, it could consume them.

THAT IS NOT TRUE. SOME OF US HAVE MORE AND SOME MUCH LESS.

But then i wonder if the converse is true... that we each have seen enough beautiful things, experienced enough love and joy that if we were to dwell on it more, and on the blessings of each moment, that it could fill us up.

THIS IS TRUE.

I don't happen to be Jewish, but there is a line from the Talmud that i think i can remember... something like, "God will on Judgment hold us accountable for each blessing we failed to recognize."

Sometimes i talk too much, and then feel like an idiot.
SAME WITH ME. BUT I DO NOT FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT RIGHT NOW.I AM ENJOYING MY DISCUSSION WITH YOU AND TRYING TO LERAN ABOUT HAPPINESS. [/quote]

I think that I have sixth sense?
This month is for Child abuse.
If you do your bit, that will make me Happy.hahahahhaa

Are you enjoying our conversation?

There is no contradiction here. Stop, wait and think, before becoming defensive.
In a situation where abuse is rife, and there is a victim subject to the bullying and control of another, the emotion of happiness does not exist. It becomes a question of survival, trying to live from moment to moment, from day to day, just getting through the torment. happiness is not an emotion you can ever see arising in such a situation. Relief may be the closest thing to it, when the torment stops momentarily, but you cannot find any happiness there.

Secondly, to find inner peace, serenity and Joy whatever the situation, is not something that can happen in an instant, overnight. It can take years of personal training, changing ones' mindset, and it also takes acceptance, surrender and release of all causational conditioning, be it physical, be it emotional.
Many people faced with this scenario - myself included, in the past - would have scoffed and ridiculed such a notion.
But having experienced such a transition for myself, in circumstances I would prefer to not allude to on public forum, I can now attest that it is indeed the only way to achieve true, lasting permanent happiness.



I unreservedly apologise if this is how you perceive my responses. The written medium, and the brevity of a thread on open forum make faceless, voiceless discussion difficult to interpret. Condescention is the furthest thing from my mind, please believe that. I can sense you are irate, and I am sorry for that.
But this too is an emotion you might like to examine separately....
"Why do the "Truths" of others succeed in winding us up, when in fact they are as ephemeral and unsubstantial as a breeze tickling a leaf....?"

Please be serene. This is a great thread.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify.

I am sorry, too, Alexandra. When i made that response i was on the defensive already because of something unrelated that happened before i came online. I'm sorry i snapped at you.

____________________________________

Now, what next?

I'm sitting here in the dark in front of my computer, it's 4:30 in morning. I can't sleep again... tried a few times tonight and tried my hypnosis tapes and warm milk and a bath, and herbs for sleep. Still no luck. And it's usually in the dark of the night when my thoughts are the most discouraged. I know other people get this way too, sometimes they are in agony. In the night, you think you're thoughts are real, (haha) and they're not! The thinking is distorted and sometimes you even know it is distorted but you believe it anyway. This is the front lines, i guess... when you try to remember hope and happiness when it's dark and quiet and no one is there.

In just a couple hours, the sun will peer over the horizon and chase the darkness away. Even within the hour, birds will start to sing the coming of the day. Sometimes i've heard the phrase, "As different as night and day," but why is it so different? The world is there even when we can't see it. And how come our thoughts can be so different, when it's the same world? Two people can live through the same experience, and one will see light, and the other only darkness. Why?

I'm just rambling... circling round and round in my head until it finds and answer or tires out.

It seems a weird thing to say, but....Try not to fight it..... I apologise if you have mentioned your circumstances elsewhere, but I do not know if you have a job during the day, or children to look after.....
We as mammals are the only ones who have a such rigid structure to our lives - sleep only when it's dark, eat three times a day, brush your teeth after every meal, walk/don't walk, form an ordely queue, respect your elders.... why do we impose such restrictive straitjackets upon ourselves?! I would suggest you eat when you want, sleep when you want, and enjoy the in-between times...!

But I know what you mean about the dark hours being the longest. it would be a dishonest person who says that such unrest has never hit them.... I know all the quotable sayings...
"Even the darkest hour has only sixty minutes", "There is always light at the end of the tunnel"....
A good friend of mine explained it thus, but he was swift to add that it's just a theory...

If we have a bad cold, it's always worse early in the morning, or at night.
This is because the night time is the time our body - regulated by the rhythms of the hours of the day - chooses to 'shut down' the primary functions of the body, and works to heal what ails us...by not eating, or using our muscles for excess movement, energy (from digestion and locomotion) is directed elsewhere, to try to establish an equillibrium in the body's health and energy. Hence the sinuses, lungs and general immune system start working overtime to try to suppress the harmful viruses/bacteria produced by the viral/bacterial infections...
Of course, this makes us feel like [censored]. And as body affects mind, affects body, feeling like [censored] makes us think [censored] too....
Coupled with this, is the silent isolation...the feeling that we are the only person awake in our universe....we, as a usually gregarious animal, feel so alone.....there is nobody to talk to, no-one to turn to, nobody to listen to our woes or lamentations.....
And as you rightly say, some will find infinite calm and joy in such a situation, others will find despair and loneliness....it's all to do with their current mindset, with their personal perception.

Do you know the story of the Horse-breeder? (I'll pretend you're saying: "No, do tell, I'm all ears....!")

An elderly horse-breeder, no more than a peasant, really....deep in the heart of the China countryside, woke one day, to find his favourite stallion had broken out of his stall and bolted.
His neighbours deeply lamented his loss: He had lost his one means of increasing a herd strongly and prolifically.... the poor old man! But he merely replied;
"Who knows what is bad? Who knows what is good?"

His young and strapping son prepared a good mare, and set off to try to find the stallion, and a week later, returned - not only with his fine horse, but with several, young brood mares following!
The neighbours rejoiced, and congratulated the old man on his good fortune. But he merely replied;
"Who knows what is bad? Who knows what is good?"

Several weeks later, the young man was thrown by one of these mares, as he was trying to break her in. His leg was shattered in three places, and inspite of quick and good medical attention, it was clear the leg would never mend perfectly. The neighbours felt so sad for the old man. His son and heir might never be able to run the farm as well as he might have done, and felt sad for the old man. But he merely replied;
"Who knows what is bad? Who knows what is good?"

Weeks passed. The Emperor sent out his soldiers to enlist and conscript all the young men of the country, to swell the ranks of his army for times of conflict. They completely deprived the country of the future farmers and craftsmen so vital to the continuation of the artisan traditions.... But of course, the young man was spared, through his deformity and handicap. The neightbours pointed this out to the old man, But he merely replied;
"Who knows what is bad? Who knows what is good?"

Much of what I have practised and learnt, much of it in anecdotal terms such as the story above, has guided and helped me to evaluate and determine my outlook on things.
Please don't think I have cracked the code. Heck, I doubt, if I were able to see things as a concrete image, that I have even scratched the surface.... But when I look back at how far I have progressed along my own personal 'Path', I would have to tell you that me today, is unrecognisable as the me of yesteryear.
I can give you no answers to satisfy what you might be asking. All I'm doing is telling you about the signposts I have followed.

I hope you gain the sleep and rest you need and deserve.
With heartfelt Metta to you,

Alexandra



Why

"If we have a bad cold, it's always worse early in the morning, or at night.
This is because the night time is the time our body - regulated by the rhythms of the hours of the day - chooses to 'shut down' the primary functions of the body, and works to heal what ails us...by not eating, or using our muscles for excess movement, energy (from digestion and locomotion) is directed elsewhere, to try to establish an equillibrium in the body's health and energy."

We also cough more in the morning because while sleeping we've been mostly still and horizontal and fluid has collected because we haven't been expelling it so we can sleep. It finally reaches a point where our body signals us to wake up and cough so we won't ...well, sort of drown. Then we sit up and everything shifts, causing more coughing. At night, some of the extra coughing is caused by dewpoint. Warm air holds more moisture than cold air, and in the evening the air can cool beyond its ability to hold all the moisture. At such times we may start seeing dew... but the cooling of air in the evening can also cause extra moisture to irritate our sinuses and lungs, which are already strained.

I agree our body has some different functions at night. One of the notable ones is the production of T-cells, which if i understand correctly, only happens while we sleep. This is why extra sleep is so important when you are sick. They also find that chronic sleep shortage increases a person's risk of heart disease and cancer. The reason we often ache when we have a cold or flu, is actually not the illness itself, but the extra activity of our immune system.

I have heard this story, told slightly differently. But i understood it to be a native american story... i think Lakota or Cherokee. I'm trying to find a link, but as it is a folk tale, it doesn't really have a name, so it's hard to find. It is actually possible that it is both Chinese and native american.

In the version i heard, the man in the story is continually told by his neighbors either how lucky or how unlucky he is (it alternates with each event in the story), and his response is always the same, "we will see," and of course in the next event, the luck shifts again, or at least the interpretation of the event as to whether it was lucky or not. In the version i heard, the "moral" is subtly told, that good fortune is often hidden in a bad event (such as the son breaking his leg), and disadvantage may lurk in fortune (such as the son stealing the beautiful horse and breaking his leg). The story encourages a person to have an even character, like the father in the story.

Thanks for those comments Holly, that adds to my store of knowledge, and I am grateful! Wonderful how tales to illustate certain qualities do the rounds, and the origin is lost...It little matters, I guess, just where the story was first told. The comforting and wondrous thing is that two such diverse cultures, separated by geographical miles, should hold the same wisdom!
Thank you also for the info on night-time drowning! next time I have a hacking cough in the middle of the night, I shall think of you and your wise words. I'm going to sleep with armbands.... do you think that would help - ?!

Waterwings? hahhaha

I can't say for sure that the version i heard was Lakota... i only have my memory of it at the moment, because i did not find a reference. But i'll keep my eye out for it, and let me know, too, if you come across another version of the story.

Getting back to your earlier advice about "trying not to fight it," ...that's probably about the one thing i don't try, and i think your suggestion has merit. I think sometimes i have difficulty just accepting myself as i am and letting that be good enough. I don't usually go for the "nurture your inner child" new-agey stuff, but maybe we all need to learn how to treat ourselves in better ways that perhaps we didn't get as children.

I think what it comes down to, is i just don't like having a hard night filled with insecurities or to have any of the frustrating little behaviors (fears mostly) that i've picked up not by choice, but by reaction to events that are past. And my instinct is to fight it... i don't like it, it seems alien sometimes, so i fight it. But it isn't alien. For better or worse, its how i am right now. You reminded me of a quote i wrote down in my little book (when i hear quotes i like, i keep them in a very tiny ring bound book, so i can look at them later)...

When I accept myself as i am, I change, and when I accept others as they are, they change. ---Carl Rogers

I was, i hope you will be back soon.

At the risk of sounding self-righteous and sanctimonious, which i assure you is not my intention, have a look (bold text above) at what you have written. The "Frustrating little behaviors", that you have picked up....If not by choice, then who or what actually compelled you to pick them up?
Our reactions to anything, past or present, are always, always through our own choice. How we accept things, diget them, evaluate them and then leave them aside or continue to carry them, is always a self-inflicted decision. Nobody has forced you to keep churning this stuff over and over.... If you picked it up once, you can drop it too. Honestly you can, I promise.

OK - Another Story you might have already heard in one form or another....:

Two monks, one quite senior, the other more a recent novice and new to the order, are walking on a long trip back to their monastery. They come to a river they must ford, and the water is quite swift. they see a woman, in difficulties, so the older monk, without hesitation, pcks up the woman in piggy-back, and carries her over. All three continue on their journey.
After a couple of hours, the young monk, who can contain himself no longer, explodes in anger and frustration:
"What on earth were you thinking back there - ?!? What possessed you to touch that woman?? you know we are forbidden to touch members of the opposite sex - why on earth would you do something like that??!
The older monk listens passively to this tirade, then replies gently...
"I put her down two hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

The young monk is shocked bu this apparent indifference to the transgression, and vows to speak to the Lama/abbot about it as soon as possible.
Once back at the monastery, he requests to see the head honcho. he sits in his room, and pours out his frustration and indignation for the Abbot/lama.
After a second, when he has exhausted his anger, the head of the monastery replies,
"Boy, she must be getting really heavy by now....."



I love that. I have added it to my little book too, because, like you, i love things like this.....

I hope I have not added negatively to your thoughts.
I'd like to see CDM back in here too.....

With metta,
Alexandra

hahaha... yes i do know that story. It's a good one.

You said, "At the risk of sounding self-righteous and sanctimonious, which i assure you is not my intention, have a look (bold text above) at what you have written. The "Frustrating little behaviors", that you have picked up....If not by choice, then who or what actually compelled you to pick them up?"

I've thought about this very thing more often than you can imagine, and i unfortunately, don't have an answer. In theory... i believe just as you said, "If you picked it up once, you can drop it too. Honestly you can, I promise." ...and yet, i am completely frustrated!!!! Belief that it is possible is why i continue to fight it so hard, and you'd think that a tenth of the effort i have spent on it would have worked, but it hasn't, and i don't know why. I'm completely stymied.

All i can think... is where fear is concerned and i think many of these are fear related even if i'm not experiencing it as an emotion... that it is like getting burned. You touch a hot stove, you get burned. You touch a hot stove, you get burned. You touch a hot stove again, and get burned again. And THEN, someone tells you the stove is off and it's cold, and you go to touch it, you want to touch it,... but you can't quite bring yourself to do it. You try again, and each time your hand jerks back without really thinking about it. And i think, i'm not sure, but i think, that may be the situation i'm in... which... who was it, Rogers? described as basic conditioning response... after enough repetition all you had to do was ring the bell, and the dogs salivated.

Now conditioning CAN be reversed. In theory, anyway. But how on earth do i do that in an uncontrolled environment, on myself no less, when i'm often not even conscious of what's going on until after the fact? How do i do it when a lot of it is interpersonal?

Some of the behaviors start long before i'm aware that they are happening... it's clearly reactionary and automatic. That isn't to say there isn't a way around that, but it requires recognizing it earlier and interrupting the pattern... and i don't know how i could do that on my own. Therapy wouldn't work, because they'd have to actually BE there to interrupt the patterns. I've thought of trying hypnosis, but it's more expensive than i can afford.

Any suggestions?

Should i describe one of the behaviors, would that help?

Hollyelise, if you could see me now.... My eyes are streaming with tears, I feel for you so much.....
let me cut to the quick. You don't need hypnosis, and trust me, conditioning IS reversible. But you're right, tackling this one on your own is a bummer.

I will say immediately, I am not about to provide you with anything that I have not already learnt myself, and found to be solid and reliable. But as they say,
"Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured" and as you have pointed out, something has conditioned you to dig your heels in and resist the release....

And it's not going to happen overnight, either, though I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.

If you'd prefer, I would be happy to continue this as a private correspondence. There might be things you'd consider sensitive, and I would never betray your trust or expose such discussion on public forum, unwittingly or otherwise.....

let me know, Holly.....

With more hugs, love and metta wrapped around you than you'd ever know....
Alexandra

Thank you, that is very kind!

I'm on my way out to work right now but i will think on this today and probably respond later tonight.

Have a great day!

It is better not to fight for happiness. Look at the people who have less compared to you and live life peacefully.

Yes, das, it's not that simple. One-upmanship (which is what it sounds like, in a sense) won't get you peacefulness, either.

Hello Das,

Thank you for joining us. I think i know what you mean, but i'm not sure. Do you mean that a person cannot feel happy, if they don't have a feeling of peace? If you do, i can see your point, and i agree.

And i am often reminded that others are less fortunate. It is not exactly what i'd call a happy thought, though, because i care about them and it makes it seem like life is too hard for most people. That doesn't cheer me up. Does it make you feel better?

What i meant by what i wrote in that section where i described fighting, was that i try to resist focusing on thoughts that make me feel unhappy or frightened. Sometimes those thoughts feel like a bad habit, so i fight it. Does that make more sense now?

I hope you come back and tell us more about yourself.

Alexandra,

About your earlier post...

I appreciate your compassion, but i want you to know i'm really okay. There was a time when things were rough, but that was several years ago now. I'm just trying to ...well, i guess you could say i'm trying to clean up my baggage!

I find that though i'm both happier and healthier when i have close relationships, that i'm not as confident in relationships as i used to be, or as trusting, and i'm more insecure in them which causes relationship problems (i cause them, hahahaha). And i find i have trouble excelling in my career or art because i don't want to be noticed (terrified of it), because then i don't feel safe. I find i can't deal with change nearly as easily as i used to, that i become highly stressed with change, and then i have nightmares and can't sleep and then i can't function as well in the day, and usually things unravel. These are the kinds of "irritating little behaviors" i was talking about. They interfere with my ability to thrive, they even endanger the security of my future. I don't have enough income, and i don't have a secure social structure, though it is a little better than it used to be. And when i try to expand and grow and "get over it"... the nightmares get worse until i'm back where i started. See what i mean by frustrating?

but that's about it. So you see, things aren't as bad as they sounded when i was being vague. I am not in any state of emergency, and i'm not in a mental health crisis. I get up in the morning, i try to shake off the dreams and look positively towards the day, if its a day when i teach i go and do that, i try to exercise and "move forward" every day, if i can, and i try to learn how to be happier, feel safer, be more confident and secure, and i look for good friends, and hopefully, a good primary relationship. And that's really in a nutshell what brought me to here and starting this thread: "Happiness and change."

I think perhaps you understand a little better now where i'm coming from. But this thread is not just for me... it's for all of us! Something brings people to this thread to read or to post. Looking at the numbers, we have many more readers than people who post. It's for them, too. Maybe they will join us at some point, and i hope they do. I learn from other people... their dreams and problems and how they try to solve them.

Well, folks.

On April 1, i started a sort of experiment with myself... to see if i could become happier by the end of April. Well, it is now May 1 and the results are in.

...and it's humbling, haha. I feel, ....about the same!

Granted, i was challenged this month by the fear of losing a close friend and it was bothering me a lot even though i was not talking about it. But life happens every month to all of us. We all have challenges, we never know what to expect, and i'm trying to learn how to change my attitude and appreciation for life, so that i can find happiness easily in little things each day, even with all the things that happen in life, the good luck and bad. Basically... focus on the good stuff more, and the stuff that makes me feel unhappy or fearful less, or differently so that it doesn't disturb me as much.

And i'd like to be more optimistic... i know i probably sound optimistic, but inside, i'm not at all. I lack confidence in myself, so i am pessimistic about what i can accomplish or how i will be treated in relationships... and that's definitely not good.

Now, the thing is about my little experiment, is i had a PLAN... i planned to each morning start my day listing what i was looking forward to, to set goals for my day to solve some of the problems bothering me, and each night to review the highlights of the day...the best parts... the parts that made me feel good.

But i only actually did this a handful of times. The times i did do it, i felt better. So i think perhaps where i failed was in actually DOING it!

I'm going to try again, and try not to get distracted this time to where i'm not practicing the new habits faithfully. I hope you guys aren't tired of this subject... i loved your input and the what you shared!!!

holly-keep it up! Have you watched the movie "What the Bleep do we Know?' If not, you should watch it. Physics has shown that we are programmed through years of habit down to our very cells to think a certain way. When things come up, either good or bad, you will pretty much automatically jump to your most practiced thought-whether it's positive or negative. Unless you consciously try and change that.

It takes time to re-program our cells and our practiced thoughts and reactions. You can't expect to change yourself instantaneously and it's great that you want to work on this. It's always a process that takes time. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as the process of learning a new way of thinking-which is bound to have ups and downs.

I think the main thing is to try as much as possible to live in the now moment and in that moment try to choose a better thought, a kinder thought, a more positive thought, a more empowering thought.

buy some 3by5 note cards and write down the thoughts you want to focus on and when you find yourself thinking anything that doesn't fit in with what you wish now to be thinking, pull out the cards and find something more positive to replace it with.

Happiness is a choice and we can all choose it! It's just a matter of doing it and accepting responsibility for our thoughts in any given moment.

You should make it a joyous experience and not like "I'm WORKING on this!" You are choosing to feel better and that is a wonderful thing.

Joan

Do you mean that a person cannot feel happy, if they don't have a feeling of peace? If you do, i can see your point, and i agree.

Yes. I believe that. But peace is very difficult to attain. We can yet be happy at intervals.

And i am often reminded that others are less fortunate. It is not exactly what i'd call a happy thought, though, because i care about them and it makes it seem like life is too hard for most people. That doesn't cheer me up.

No. It does not cheer me up. It makes me thank God that I have something to be happy.

What i meant by what i wrote in that section where i described fighting, was that i try to resist focusing on thoughts that make me feel unhappy or frightened. Sometimes those thoughts feel like a bad habit, so i fight it. Does that make more sense now?

You are doing this right. Take away your focus from thoughts that make you unhappy. Slowly they will go away. that is the way mind operates. If you continue with this, you will be happy most of the times.