Just talked to my husband about not wanting kids. I read him my first post here. I was in tears the whole time. (Still am.)

1) He doesn't understand why I'm crying about this.

2) He says, "I don't want kids either right now."

3) He said that he married ME.

4) He said that he would hope that I would never have a kid to appease him or anyone else because that would be ridiculous, that I should want to have a kid.

BUT - I think he still thinks I'm going to change my mind, and I told him that. I asked him why he wants kids. He said that that's how he's always seen his life - with a wife and kids.

That's too bad. I guess I'll just leave him before he can leave me, you know, in a couple years when he realizes I wasn't kidding about not changing my mind.

I don't understand how he can be so supportive and understanding about everything else, then repeat several times after I've been bawling on the couch that "I don't want kids RIGHT NOW ..."

Any suggestions? Should I email him some of the other posts that you guys have posted talking about freedom in a CF life? I don't know. I just don't understand why you would want kids and not even have a better reason than "that's how I've always seen my life ...."

Hmm ... wonder what happened to the title of my post. Should be "talked to husband about CF life"

lngilbert,
I just read your first post and completely understand where you are coming from. I agree that having kids because that is just what you thought you would do is not the best reason to do so. At one point in my life I felt like that...so I see where he is coming from. However, it may be a good idea for him to sit down and make a list like you did in your post. How many reasons can he come up with as to why he wants kids? I think he needs to give this SERIOUS thought. Having kids because you just assumed you would...with all due respect for your husband, he does not sound real prepared. Maybe it is different for men. They don't go through the pregnancy thing...and chances are they don't wind up with the bulk of the housework, childrearing either. This is a tangent, but I think I would be more willing to have a kid if I could be a stereotypical "dad". It is very different for women. When my dad came home from work, dinner was made, kids were clean, homework was done....Dad watched tv with us and went to bed. Mom did everything else.

Sure, you could change your mind--however I know from experience that the more people tell you that the less likely you will do so. But your husband can also change his mind. I am now 32 and it seems that people are finally starting to understand that I am not changing my mind...but still some people have to tell me about their sister/cousin/aunt etc. who decided to have a kid at 32....34, etc. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will change his mind...so I really feel for you.

I would definately encourage him to make a list of why he wants a child. It is important that he understands his desire. You can also tell him (and you may have already)that it is likely you are NOT going to change your mind and ask how he will feel in 5 years if you feel the same way. Based on your reasoning in your first post, it is obvious you have thought long and hard about this.

Hang in there.

I agree with Chaco. Your hubby really needs to think about why he might want a child some day. AND he needs to list the good and bad things about having children. Personally, I think if more people thought about all of the consequences of having children, less people would have them. I think your husband is primarily thinking of the "Hallmark" moments and doesn't know about all of the stress involved.
I have a coworker with an 11 year old son who is turning into a handful... he is a smart kid but is not motivated at school and spends a lot of his time daydreaming and goofing off. He has all of the advantages at home, and parents who are willing to spend hours helping with homework etc... but the kid won't try and can't motivate himself... therefore he is failing 7th grade. His parents are at their wits end and considering spending $43 an hour to send him to Sylvan for help. My coworker now says that having kids is NOT what he expected at all.
Oh, and don't forget mentioning the negative impact that kids will have on his sex life! ;-)

I can empathise with the original poster. My husband always thought he wanted kids too. When i told him that i didn't think i did, he was surprised (we were married about 2 years at that point). I told him that if it was a deal breaker for him, that i would consider having a child.
But only if he explained to me how we were going to afford it, and only if he agreed to take paternity leave instead of me taking maternity leave. When he sat down to consider the financial and practical effects of having a child, he soon changed his mind. I think that he presumed (sooooo dangerous!) that all women were like his mother, and would happily give up everything just to have a baby. Meanwhile, his life would carry on as normal, but he'd have a child to show off and talk to everyone about.
My advice to the original poster is to sit down with her husband and discuss the practical and financial implications of what he wants. And to consider 'borrowing' a child/baby for a couple of days, so that he can see how much work is actually involved. In my experience, men rarely consider this aspect when they think about having children. Because they don't have to; there will be a mother there to pick up the pieces when they don't.

Thanks everyone for the support. I am feeling much better about this today. It is hard to talk to my husband about this because he keeps saying "we don't have to talk about this now - let's talk about it in 5 years." I don't WANT to talk about it in 5 years, I want to "clear the air" now!

He did admit to me in bed last night that there is a possibility I could change his mind. He says he loves me very, very much and if I don't want to have kids, I don't have to.

BUT - the thing that I keep coming back to over and over is that he may say that, but I don't really think he means it. (If you were here you would know what I mean.) It's the fact that after saying that, he'll say "I don't want them right now either."

There is no "either!" I don't want them now, I don't want them ever. He really had a hard time wrapping his head around that.

I explained to him that I would be the one doing most of the work, and he looked at me like I had two heads. He honestly thinks he will do an equal share? He thinks he does an equal share in the house, and all he does is moan and groan and do the dishes every couple days. I literally have to throw a fit to get him to do anything, so I don't even bother anymore.

It's not his fault, but he's got to step up. Just because his mom quit her job to raise the family and did all the housework and yes, his dad just had the "Hallmark moments" - that doesn't mean that I am going to do that. HELL NO I am not going to do that!

I'll broach the possibility of the list with him today and give him a week or so to think about it all, then maybe try the discussion again. I know he doesn't want to talk about it, but I think it's important to talk about it, especially now when it's been a very stressful subject and really weighing on my mind the last few weeks. I don't know WHY it's been weighing on my mind, maybe because my sister is doing the whole 2nd pregnancy thing right now ...

Anyway, I do feel better, which is great, because I have a huge interview coming up in about an hour. I'm going to go get ready. Thanks everyone, I am so happy to be here in this forum. It's been so wonderful to have a supportive community at my back.

Hi Ingilbert,
Here are some points from a male perspective that may help convince your husband to remain CF. Yes you should e-mail or discuss with your husband the freedom of a CF lifestyle which is very well articulated in this forum. One of the many reasons I am adamantly CF is that I don't want to deal with the grunt work of parenting. A person can't pick and choose with parenting i.e. enjoying "Kodak moments" but not changing diapers. Definitely read him the post below about sex:
You might also want to tell hubby about the many negative effects that having a child will have on his sex life:
1) You probably won't WANT to have sex when you are pregnant (and having mood swings, morning sickness, swollen ankles etc.) So he won't get much sex then...
2) When you HAVE a baby... you will be tired, and trying to SLEEP when the baby is not awake. So he won't get much sex then either...
3) When the baby grows into a child... you will have to wait until the child is asleep... and try not to wake them... and worry about them walking in unannounced. So he won't get much sex then either...
and
4) If you have vaginal childbirth... your "stuff" will be all stretched out. You won't be as "tight" for him anymore, and sex won't be as pleasurable for EITHER of you. So, when he DOES get sex it won't be the same... (FYI I got this info from my husband who had children with his first wife)

Maybe he'll listen if you lay out these facts for him. In general, men rank sex right up there with food and sports, as the best/most important things in life, so maybe he'll think again if he realizes what kids will do to his sex life.


I feel you are 100% right to clear the air now. Keep pressing him on the work issue as well.

Hope your interview went well.
Mike

Thanks, Mike, I did email your post to him. I appreciate your help. The interview went okay but then I had to write a press release and a sponsorship letter, neither of which I've done before but could do if I had a sample in front of me. SO - I did mention that. Luckily, this is for a position at my current job, so they all know me and really like me, so that shouldn't deter them ... I hope ... I'll find out Wednesday.

"My advice to the original poster is to sit down with her husband and discuss the practical and financial implications of what he wants. And to consider 'borrowing' a child/baby for a couple of days, so that he can see how much work is actually involved."

Great advice!

I agree about "borrowing" a child. Maybe after my sister has her 2nd, she'll want me to borrow J for an evening so she can relax with the new one.

My husband has never spent time with little kids. Even with J, he's never been alone with him, or for only a few minutes at a time. And of course, he always does the "fun uncle" stuff - playing the drums, playing with light sabres, wrestling and chasing, etc. The second J cries about something he's handed over to me.

Same here - my husband is the fun uncle when we babysit. I do all the "sitting" and he just goes up to his office when he gets bored/annoyed/tired/etc.

Ingilbert, do you know what a friend of mine mentioned to her husband? She asked him when he might consider his sex change... he was astonished, and asked her what the heck she was talking about....

'Why? Would you not ever consider a sex change?' she asked.
'No, never! why would you say that?'
'..Sure you won't change your mind?'
No! I'd never do that! What's your point, what are you getting at - ?'
Well, I feel the same way about NEVER having kids. And I won't be changing my mind, ever! Just so's you are quite clear about that, ok?'
And off she went to make a cup of tea....

They still don't haver kids, he's accepted it, and they're still together.

Good luck.

....And don't forget to add...
"And THAT's how I've always seen MY life, ok?'

If you have a Big Brothers Big Sisters organization in your area, lngilbert, I would recommend that your husband apply to be a big brother. I work for BBBS and we match kids as young as six. It is a big responsibility to be a BB or BS and he will be expected to have outings on his own with the child. No one will be there to pick up the slack. It is a really great experience and opportunity to give to a child and makes a big difference for them. My husband is a BB and he loves it-though I think it has caused him to be even more positive he does not want his own kids.

I actually am involved with BBBS and I have a 10 year old Little. She is great, but it really makes me realize how much work kids are. It is kind of nice to be a positive influence on her, but I don't have to worry about all of the other stuff that goes along with having children.

This is off topic, but what do you guys DO with your Littles? We love to spend time with our nieces/nephews/neighbors but we seem to run out of ideas pretty quickly on what to do.

We take lots of walks, bike rides, movies, make your own ... pizza/sundae/soda (club soda & juice). I like to torture them by taking them out to nice restaurants and teaching them how to dine out I keep puzzle books around for them. They enjoy being helpful so I try to give them little chores too. I get really bored w/kid stuff.

Why are all these reasons about sex. I dont get it at all. Sex has never for one second entered into my decision making process about having kids and honestly I think it is kind of a poor reason. If I felt my husband was selfish enough to not want kids because he might get less sex Id say screw him, thats what internet porn is for (just joking) There are so many more intellegent reasons for not having kids though, and for having them. Also you will stay have time for sex if you have kids, afterall most people have siblings. What about hte money, the time, the fact the kid will come first in everything. I think you both need to think about you want picture your life with a child and without a child and discuss it at length. Borrowing a child is a good idea but remember it wont be the same thing at all.

Brilliant, Alexandra!

It really counters the implication that if a couple is unfortunate enough to not agree on kids, that they as a couple should lean in the direction of kids. I would argue that, in reality, it should be the opposite.

Elise

SmallTown and Chaco,

Wow, what cool newbies! It's so great to have you along! You guys are awesome!

Elise
(a once-and-future Big Sister)

My Little and I do lots of different things. We go bowling and to the movies. Sometimes, though, I don't have a lot of extra money so we hang out at my house and make popcorn and watch a movie or play games. Baking cookies is also a good activity. It is harder to find stuff to do in the winter time. It's nice to just hang out at the park or go for a hike. When it get warmer, I will take her to the zoo. Tonight we just went out for dinner and talked about her school. Miniature golf is fun too.

SmallTown and Chaco,

Wow, what cool newbies! It's so great to have you along! You guys are awesome!

Elise
(a once-and-future Big Sister) [/quote]


Thanks! I can't tell you how great it is to be a part of such a fantastic group of people. I know that I am new, but you all make me feel so welcome here and I actually fit it with a group. I don't have any CF friends. My friends either have kids already or have "baby fever."

Thank you Elise--and I agree with SmallTown....I am thrilled to have found this sight and get to know everyone. It has been a struggle recently to find people who get where I am coming from. Stumbling across this site has made me want to turn cartwheels.

That is awesome that you guys are and have been Big Sisters. I have seen some amazing changes in kids through their relationships with Bigs. I mainly work with the teens (surprise!) and it is incredible the way some of their lives change when everyone had all but given up on them. One of my "kids" recently was arguing with his BB over whether to attend Ohio State U or NC State. That does not sound like a big deal until you consider that his grandma wanted him to have a big brother so that he would not wind up in jail or a dad at 16.

I can go on and on...I love my job!

Hi lngilbert--

I would agree with the suggestions here about asking him to consider why he wants a child, and also spending time with children to see ALL the moments, not just the Kodak ones.

I really feel for you...been there and done that. It's awful, really awful...some days I cried so hard I almost made myself sick. My husband really wanted kids.

We are still together, but now he is going through a difficult time because he doesn't like his job or field of work. He stayed where he was because he thought we were going to have a family, but now that we're not...well, he has the luxury of a mid-life crisis! I think that if a person goes through life assuming they're going to go down a certain path, and then they don't, it's a bit of a shock to the system. So I try to remember that and give him some space to figure out what he wants to do.