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THE ERMINE: The Ermine isn’t a vermin ’cause no vermin’s coat could cost an ermine and a leg.

Very witty!

FREDERIKA: There once was a matron named Frederika who disdained from eating anything made with paprika no matter how hungarian she might have been.

SCONES: In Scotland if you live in close proximity to a bakery you’re probably just a scone’s throw away.

Xmeecosmic, your terseversen has (have?) given me a good laugh this morning.

THE CUCUMBER: If it weren’t for the skin, the flesh, and the seeds, the cucumber I’d fondly remember indeed.

CORSICA: By boat can you get to the Mediterranean island of Corsica? Of Corsica!

FRIED CALAMARI: Fried Calamari by any other name would smell just as squid.

COPERNICUS: Copernicus revolutionized the meaning of the Universe placing the Sun rather than the Earth at its center. Yet the masses scorned this mathematical dissenter as living in the dark was pleasanter. Yet in time all of us were enlightened that from that astronomer we did learnicus.

TOFU'D: This may be a tasteless question but who thinks tofu is ofu? My guess is more than a fu.

SPAGHETTI ETI-QUETTE: Miss Manners says to use a fork and spoon to eat spaghetti. Are you for or aghetti?

GRENADA: What do I know about Grenada? Gee, nada.

FORMATTING

After 50 posts can now format

So the new posts won't look flat as a doormat.


SILLILOQUY

“Out damn spot

My guilt causes me to suffer a lot

Proving I’m a ruthless yet anguished snot-

as to whether I’m Macbeth or Hamlet

I remembereth not.”


MAGGOTS

Nothing else can vie

so the only thing worse than a fly is its larvae.



RUE-D

I rued the day my wife planted the herb rue

for as it grew it was a real stinkaroo.

So that rue I slewed.

Now with my wife I’m in a real stew.

How rude!



FISSION CHIPS ANYONE?

Cooking with liquid nitrogen

Is like a culinary horse de Trojan

Because taking an old fashioned classic like British Fish and Chips

and scientifically turning it into brittle Fission Chips

Just gives me the yips.



LIMBURGER CHEESE

A smelly smelly cheese that’s bound to make you wheeze,

the chances are slim to none that my life would be so grim

that I’d risk life and limb to even try a stinking gram of Limburger Cheese.

Whatever Happened To Plain Old Red?

Chartreuse I am cluless

Puce must be a ruse

Damask I need to ask

Mauve oh gawd!

Cattleya I have no ideya

Jasper I must asper

Bisque what isque it?

Verdigris I couldn’t even venture a gris

Vermilion I thought was a fancy dance

thus, for all of the above frou-frou colors

I carnelian begin to imagine what hue they might be



FELAFEL

After you eat felafel, do you feel good or do you felafel?



HAIKU HAIKU HAIKU

Haiku Haiku Haiku

Over the lake the molting goose flew

Hachoo Hachoo Hachoo


CURRANTS

Rant Rant Rant Rant…

if I didn’t eat my bowl of currants

Were how my parants were raisin’ me

but since I no longer live at home

That isn’t my currant problem.


EMPANADAS

Nada nada nada

I reply when asked if I want an empanada

Because savory or sweet

Sometimes the filling is so unreplete

That it really is an empty nada

CUMIN

Cumin is the kind of spice

if using a little it’s flavor is quite nice

but if too much you put in the rice

it’s not fit for any human.


THE CORN

A corn can be succulent and sweet

but not when it's on your feet.



HIGH TECH WRITING

In composing a poem

I like to think I can write from the archaic to the modern

About anything ranging from psychology to the growings on in a garden

but if it doesn’t blink in a wink I’m lost and verseless without a modem.



TWO PATHS TO BE AVOIDED

You need not be paranoid

To believe that on life’s journey there are two paths that would be best to avoid,

the psycho and socio.



THE LOBSTER'S ALTERNATIVE

If you asked a lobster who was caught in a trap what he thought of platters of Steamed Lobster

To be served at a grand buffet spread,

He’d probably suggest “why not try some crab instead?”


SCALLIONS PLEASE!

If prone to cryin’ on and on…

Peelin’ an onion is no funion.

SPILT MILK

I’m of the ilk to not cry over spilt milk

so I just sulk.




WORMLY ADVICE

A word of advice to those fortunate survivors that have been early arisen,

the early bird won’t catch the worm that sleeps in.



GIZZARDS

A muscular ventriculus that is gustatorily ridiculous

That many birds for food use to grind,

The mere thought of them makes my mind go dizzard,

So not even a wizard could get me to eat a gizzard.




ICEBERG LETTUCE

Let us be perfectly clear

Not very nutritious or fibrous

Nor at all delicious or culinary adventurous

Iceberg lettuce not worth a fuss

Is pretty much only good to water us



MUSTARD JARRED

To no avail I did fail

As I tried and tried to open an encrustard jar of mustard

So in a real condiment predicament

I ended up flustard

with the blastard jar bustard

Hi there xmeecosmic,

Reading your Mustard Jarred and ending up 'flustard with the blastard jar bustard' reminded me of that very funny Flanders and Swann song I lost my Horn.

The lyrics follow, and if you can you need to sing them to Mozart's horn concerto ... I love the lines 'I've lost that Horn, lost that Horn, found that Horn ... gorn.'

Hope this makes you smile anyway.

.................................................................

I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To buy a French Horn in a second-hand shop
I polished it up and I started to play it
In spite of the neighbours who begged me to stop

To sound my Horn, I had to develop my embouchure
I found my Horn was a bit of a devil to play
So artfully wound
To give you a sound
A beautiful sound so rich and round

Oh, the hours I had to spend before I mastered it in the end
But that was yesterday and just today I looked in the usual place
There was the case but the Horn itself was missing

Oh, where can it have gone?
Haven't you, hasn't anyone seen my Horn?
Oh, where can it have gone?
What a blow! Now I know
I'm unable to play my Allegro

Who swiped that Horn?
I'll bet you a quid
Somebody did
Knowing I'd found a concerto and wanted to play it
Afraid of my talent at playing the Horn
For early today to my utter dismay
it had vanished away like the dew in the morn

Took it!

I've lost that Horn, I know I was using it yesterday
I've lost that Horn, lost that Horn, found that Horn... gorn
There's not much hope of getting it back though I'd willingly pay a reward

I know some Hearty Folk whose party joke's
Pretending to hunt with the Quorn
Gone away! Gone away! Was it one of them took it away?
Will you kindly return that Horn? Where is the devil who pinched my Horn?
I shall tell the Police I want that French Horn baaaaaaaack

I miss its music more and more and more
Without that Horn I'm feeling sad and so forlorn
Oh oh oh oh ho...

I found a concerto, I wanted to play it
Displaying my talent at playing the Horn
But early today to my utter dismay it had totally vanished away
I practised the Horn, and I wanted to play it but somebody took it away
I practised the Horn and was longing to play it but somebody took it away

My neighbour's asleep in his bed
I'll soon make him wish he were dead
I'll take up the Tuba instead!

.................................................................

Cheers now

ABOUT MY POETRY BACKGROUND

People say I’ve never read even one great poet

but my knowledge of them I shall show it:

Tennyson oded and quoted about venison,

Shelley conversed about his favorite deli,

Keats waxed on and on about his athletic feats,

Jeffers raged about uncared for heifers,

Frost pondered about how much things cost,

Poe ruminated about snow,

Shakespeare sonneted about his apes fear,

Anjelou metaphored about pear jello,

Cullen hyperbolized about why he was so sullen

and Nash balderdashed about his rash.

So to all of you who think my poetry knowledge is zilch

its from these poets that I do filch.


CONFUCIUS

His aphorisms of moral guidance were his modus

Societal and familial obligations a focus

For centuries the world has known the sage words of Confucius

a philosopher whose non-Greek missives were never meant to confuse us.


EATING LIKE A HORSE

How dare you say I eat like a horse!

A horse will as a matter of course roughagely eat primarily hay, grasses maybe even gorse.

I with other recourse will eat huge amounts of pretty much anything and everything else.

So unless you want me to whinny at you about this until I’m hoarse

Check your source and you’ll see I don’t eat like a horse.


CHERVIL

A person diagnosable with Chervil phobia

Obsesses that the herb is the root of all ervil.



RUN THAT RUTABAGA OVER WITH A STUDEBAKER

Accursed as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip

Not to be rude but steamed or stewed

I don’t know anybody who goes gaga for a rutabaga

but many when eating do gaga.

THE COYOTE

Here in Mexico the coyote is always in danger of being shot

So why can’t they be taught not to eat cow but to chow on chayote.


WRITING STYLE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN...!!!

Oftentimes my verse is not accurate historically

as I’d rate them rather hysterically silly

Thus I can justifiably be taken to task

but I do ask to be given not the stick but rather the carrot

Unless of course you really believe I deserve the garrote.


BEAN SPROUTS

Bean sprouts fresh, white and crisp add zip to many a Chinese dish

From Fried Rice to Egg Foo Yung to Whole Steamed Fish.

Yet those mung sprouts when turned brown, limp, and slimyish

All you can do is throw them outs.

THE POLAR BEAR

Although they have their mood swings that can really scare

Polar bears are not bipolar because it’s only at the North Pole where they appear.

JELLY ROLLS

The more jelly rolls one eats,

The more belly folds one gets.

THERE THEIR THEY'RE

Out of despair

Many a teacher wants to pull out (there) their hair

For no matter how many lessons on the subject (their) there are

(There) They’re besides themselves that there their little dears

Always confuse there, their, and they’re-

so to those teachers all I can say with compassion is “there, their, they’re.”


CHINOOKED

Only a schnook of a Chinook would purposely grapple with a hook.

Hi there xmeeosmic,

According to an old joke there’s this advertisement in a magazine:

Learn to Write Novels and Poetry!
Easy-to-understand instructions.
Send $30.

Well, all takers send money to the given address and in return they send you a dictionary with the instructions,
“Some assembly required.”

Your 'there their and they're' offering above is a masterful assembly.

The poor teachers who are in despair have usually inherited students who were not taught the differences in the first place!

As George Orwell might have said ... "Some assembly is more better than others."

Cheers

P S Did you know that there is a word missing in English?

You have Sow, Sew and So. Now if you make a sentence using them you will see what I mean.

The farmer sows his seed, his wife sews her cloth ... and so they both ?

Zesty Lestie sure is the bestie.


THE CENTIPEDE

How do you impede a Centipede?

With so many legs

That begs the question.


TOLEDO

In Toledo, Ohio if you wore a tuxedo you’d be considered a weirdo,

but so would you too if it was a speedo.


SWEET BELL PEPPERS MEXICAN STYLE

As an expatriate living in Mexico

I discovered that sweet bell peppers are “morrons”

and with red, yellow, and orange at one quarter the price that they are north of the border

To not buy a kilo or so for your larder

You’d have to be a real moron.


THE SWALLOWS

Over the pond

the swallows

will acrobatically dive bomber-like fly

shallow shallow shallow

to follow follow follow

the flow flow flow

of flying flying flying insects

until as many of them as possible they swallow swallow swallow…


THE EAGLE

The eagle is perceived as being regal

but not by a fleeing seagull.


(note: poetic license used as there is no species of bird “seagull”

only specific types of gulls)

POPOVERS OR YORKSHIRE PUDDING

Popovers or Yorkshire Pudding?

You’ve got to be kidding

For both I don’t care

As they’re just filled with hot air.


TAMALES AND TRADITIONAL MEXICAN BEVERAGE OF CHOICE

Tamales and ale no sale.

Tamales and soda maybe in South Dakota.

Tamales and wine what a crime.

Tamales and gin that’s pretty grim.

Tamales and a milk shake would generate a head shake.

Tamales and bottled water would only please the bladder.

Tamales and atole (a-to-lay) is the solamente one that would rate an ole’.

BUMPITTY BUMPITTY

For forty minutes while I tried to write verse the bus went bumpitty bumpitty…

No matter if I slumpitty slumped

My rump rumpitty rumped

So while taking my lumps I became grumpitty grumpitty

Thus non-versely my mind was stumpitty stumped

Leaving my note pad empitty empitty

and when I got home I told my wife she laughed twice showing no empathy empathy.


POETREES SAVED

Bless the keys

With so many people now eschewing paper and keyboarding poetry

Think of all the saved poetrees.


THE REASON WHY THIS VERSE IS SO TERSE

The most important component of writing is the thought.

Since I have naught

This is all I’ve got.


OOPS!

I prepared some lovely gourmet canapes

and creatively arranged them on a silver tray

Then in front of the guests I tripped thus to my dismay

Oops those hors d’oeuvres did soeuvre.


ANGST DISCLOSURE

Exposing my flanks I poignantly disclosed my angst.

On Twitter I viciously heard from hundreds of cranks.

Thanks!

I love your poetry. It made me laugh! Thanks for sharing.

BUTTON MUSHROOMS

For button mushrooms I’m a glutton,

So sometimes I crush them

While other times I mush them

Thus making room for more.


MISSISSIPPI

Once in a while it’s nippy

but most of the time it’s drippy

So if you think I’d ever go to Mississippi

Get a grippy-

So there I’ll never be.

Yippee!


NOT A NEWTONIAN THEORY BUT...

The way to defy gravity

Is with tons of levity.


EAT LIKE A BIRD

“Eat like a bird” you say!

Okay, I think I may

As many eat half their weight in food each day.

Love your stuff!

Thanks Jana, Connie, Mona, and Lestie.


COMMAND OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Not only do I think I have command of the English language

I also can make a pretty mean Italian sanduage.


KENTUCKY

Although it’s definitely not ducky

You can say it’s yucky

Yet I’m not that plucky

but having never been to Kentucky

I can consider my self very lucky.


SCHMEARS

For a cream cheese schmear

To prepare you don’t have to provide much care

nor does it require any flair

unless of course it’s lox

because its price is so dear

it costs a lots.


LOU IN HONOLULU

Lou became blue

Because as soon as he got to Honolulu

He developed a lulu of a headache

and for the entire time there not more than a foot could he see

so all achy he never got to view Waikiki

or even eat at a luau

as his head made Lou ow.


PEANUT BUTTER

Me and my Peter Pan complex!

Especially with fruit preserves

Which for those edible spreadable occasions I reserve,

Whether smooth or chunky

-With or without honey-

My waist is spreading as I’m getting real chunky

So in a jif I utter knock off eating so much peanut butter

or I’ll have to skippy many a meal.

Very witty, as usual! I love to see the rhymes. Lestie, thanks for providing this platform.

Hi Connie,

It's great isn't it?

BUT, I did not provide it ... xmeecosmic is to blame! Smart writing that offers regular smiles and PHNS - positive head nodding syndrome.

I don't have this skill - my poetry has to rhyme for it to work for me, keep going xmeecosmic your fans are here and reading...

Cheers

Again, great installment. I'm sure this will have my mind working on this kind of poem in no time. Thanks again for sharing. I did get a case of PHNS and big smiles too.

Thanks Jana and Lestie!
With my poetic nonsense license I slightly modified Lestie's precious PHNS.

MY VERSING GOAL IS P-H-N-S

Some readers seem to view my verse with positive head nod shaking
While many more others think I’ve been drinking too much of the egg nog I’ve been making.


GLUTEN FREE

If I were a server and someone had the nerve to ask for something gluten free

I’d bring back a tin with glue in.


POUTINE

In Quebec it’s very routine to eat Poutine.

Composed of French fries, brown gravy, and cheese curd,

or at least so I’ve heard.

Yet filled with so much cholesterol

That could clog your arteries all,

In my mouth that’s one dish I won’t be puttin’.


PACKAGED MARRIAGES

Not that I believe in polygamy

But because of the pig in me

Oftentimes it seems I’m wed to Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima, and Sara Lee.


PRE-TORN JEANS

Pre-torn jeans are said to be hip

Yet all they are is an expensive rip

so if I wanted to look poor

I’d wear old non-designer ones which have grown spores.


SUMATRA

Residents of that Indonesian island

Really know their Java

and think they’re Sumatra than you

PHNS is extremely catching when accompanied by a smile.

APPLES AND PEARS

Apple and Pears ... Pears or Apples
A thought with which you must grapple
Miss Demeanour and Miss Behaviour
Argued on and on about which was the flaviour!

Cheers

Oh seriously funny. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face!

THE BEST REASON TO BECOME AN EXECUTIVE CHEF

I never liked being a kitchen minion

because I had to mince a million onion.


PISTACHIOS

I’m really attached to natural pistachios-

so much so that many remain affixed to my mustache and nose.



BIRD'S NEST SOUP

A soup that costs a fortune is made from bird’s nest that is edible,

Derived from the salivary excretions of swiftlets.

That there are those who survive eating that terrible spitlatinous gelatinous goop I find incredible.


PAGELESS

They say that Twitter is the domain of those who still may need a babysitter

While Facebook belongs to those old enough to remember what is a good book.

An abstainer of both I am a seemingly solitary member of Pageless,

Although definitely not ageless.


A COW'S MIEN

A cow’s mien

Not just mainly in the plain

Since they always have it rough

Even if they’ve got a trough

is not a bovine growl

but rather a bored scowl.


A MAN EATING SHARK

When a man eating shark loses its fin

To no one’s chagrin

It also loses its grin.


SPELUNKING

Stalagmites, stalactites, and minerals I just adore-

Thus craving to know what’s above the caves floor

I’d love to be a spelunker

if I was sure I wouldn’t become a kerplunker.

I love these!

RAP MUSIC

I find rap music quite confusic.


ANY OTHER WRITING ADVICE?

It’s been said to write what you know about.

If I did that I’d be none and out.


OMNIPOTENCE

People who claim omnipotence

Should be nipped in the bud

More than once.


NOT EVEN A CRUMB

Waste not

Want not

Don’t be a snot

Eat that whole donut


LIVER

“Come on eat your liver,

just try a sliver.”

NIVER!

Very witty. Love them especially Any Other Writing Advice. Short and to the point, but funny too.

A TEXAN'S VIEW OF LAMB

Ma’am please remove that lamb

As my lips don’t touch anything that’s fleecy and greasy

and smells of being Middle Easty

So if you think I’m going to eat that couscous

Ya’ll must have a screw loose.


STEWED VEGETABLES

Not to be rude

but if served any vegetable that is stewed

Into the garbage that food will quickly be strewed.


FELAFEL

Anyone who thinks it’s awful

Never had a bit or a mouthful.

So pita please

For the sake of those luscious fried chickpeas

Why don’t you try some felafel.


EDIBLE CACTUS

Spiny and sharp piercingly capable of producing way more than a sore

Some people eat cactus

Exactus why I’m not sure.


TWEETS

When a bird goes tweet, tweet, tweet,

It is a sound that is so naturally sweet.

When a human ad nauseam Tweets, Tweets, Tweets,

I wish they had no hands but only feets.

BELL BOTTOMS

Bell bottoms don’t even look well

on those that have swell bottoms.


BERMUDA SHORTS

The expression Ugly American is hard to thwart

With so many going from resort to resort

and port to port

Wearing Bermuda shorts.


GOODBYE CEMETERY POND

To water cattle no matter the eco cost

With so many species lost

They yearly drain the pond.

So I wish that it was salt water which they did absconder

and that they themselves were helpless flounder.


WHAT AN EGO I HAVE!

If someone “liked” my verses day in and day out

Then suddenly stopped without even a “now I hate you” shout

Then in my mind there must only be one result

Which is something that I’ve come to dread,

After for so long my ego had been fed

Alas that person must be dead.


BEEF WELLINGTON

With a beef tenderloin coated with a rich liver pate and a duxelle of mushrooms

Then wrapped in a buttery puff pastry and laced with sauce bordelaise

If you eat an entire Beef Wellington

You’re well on your way to weighing a ton.

MANHATTAN

“New York New York

If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere”

’cause I’m a multi-millionaire


UMPS

Harumph!

In a slump?

Taking your lumps?

Your nerves making you jump?

Can’t get over the hump?

Hitting those bumps?

Down in the dumps?

Feeling like a chump?

Becoming a grump?

Turning into a frump?

Hair falling out in clumps?

Problems got you stumped?

Tired of listening to your heart thump?

Then get off your rump and take the steps to triump!


THE CRAWFISH

Crawfish are scrumptious.

So anybody who won’t eat them

To all seafood probably say “aw nawfish.”


SPANISH BULLFIGHTING

One event I’d never witness is bull fighting

and so be it if a culture I am slighting

But it seems hordes of people do adore

If not delighting in

Seeing a wit less outpouring of gore.


TIE-DYED

I’d be fit to be tied

Before I wore anything tie-dyed

Unless of course I was totally out of my mind Mai Tai-d.

THE ARTICHOKE

A thistle that doesn’t make want to me to whistle

To get to the heart is more than an art

So as for the rest of the artichoke

I throw it out like a missile.


THE NEURON

The impulse-conducting cells that constitute the brain, spinal column, and nerves in vertebrates

Consisting of a nucleated cell body with one or more dendrites and a single axon:

So that’s the definition of a neuron.

No wonder in class this bio-psychology moron just did snore on and on...


MONOSDODIUM GLUTAMATE

Monosodium Glutamate aka MSG is mostly salty gook

Used by only a schnook of a cook

Whose dishes even many a glutton’s mate has refused to give a second look.


THE MUSEUM

No Eating

No Drinking

No Touching

No Talking

No Photographing

Rules upon rules ad nauseum!

Guess I won’t be going to that museum

as I’m not ready to be a resident of a mausoleum.


AN AGNOSTIC'S RESPONSE

Regarding faith agnostics are accused by believers to sit on the fence and dodge it

but the questioning ones without knowledge would merely ask “where is the logic?”


CHURROS

Light and fluffy that cinnamon and sugar coated fried fritter the Churro is easy to adoro

but if the dough is tough all your jaw will do is chewro and chewro…

ROMAINE

Although it’s very nutritious

Thus to your health the antithesis of deleterious,

but to bring romaine into a conversation about foods that are interesting and adventurous

is definitely not germane.


NOT ANOTHER POEM ABOUT THE ROSE!

Many poets when they compose

Wax on and on about the rose

In rhyme and proper meter that flows and flows

but I suppose since I’m just one of a thorny bunch of ordinary Joes

When I come upon such flowery prose I just doze and doze…


FIRST PERSON

Nothing is worse than to refer to oneself in the first person

or so thinks and says myself Gary McPherson.


HYPCRISTITIOUS

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m not superstitious.

Seven times for luck repetitious!


PIZZA

If every day you eatza a pizza,

Soon your pants ain’t gonna fitza.

THE TOUCAN BARBET

As a bar bet no sweat you can bet

With no need to fret

When answering the question what’s the most colorfully fancy Andean bird that’s not a parrot

if you replied the Toucan Barbet.


THE HORNED GUAN #2

In the mystical cloud forest of Chiapas

With mist all around us

and binoculars hopefully in focus

Beginning to think one may need hocus pocus,

There is nothing better than to see a rare elusive solitary Horned Guan,

Unless of course you see more than uan.


THE TYPICAL CENTRAL AMERICAN DIET

In that sultry region,

A typical diet Central Americain

Is quite simple to ex-plain

As it consists of a bit of animal protein

Along with a smattering of rice, beans and plantain

but probably no flan

So one’s health, if not waistline, is mas o menos easy to man-tain.


BIRDING NON-DEMOCRACY

To paraphrase a swell Orwell,

While all birds are equal,

Some are more equal than others-

So in birding over hill and dell for a long spell,

Many but not all I really hope have a see-quel.


EVOLUTION

A Homo sapien with less apien,

Did Homo erectus gaze up at the sky wondering if they were selectus?


PARROT SNACKSESSION

Not at all a slacker when it comes to being a snacker,

My parrot Payno goes whacker if she doesn’t get a cracker

Screaming out of her wits

If she doesn’t get her daily fix of Ritz.

MA NO MA PO DOFU

Also known as Mrs. Wang’s Pockmarked Bean Curd

For those of you who’ve never heard,

When my mother insisted I eat Ma Po Dofu,

I not so dutifully replied “ma no food!”


SHAO MAI

I’m so shy

Although my dumplings are worth sumpling

I won’t show you my shao mai

So alone I may chow on a large sum of those dim sum.


OWETRY

I owetry to my reading public to post some serious poetry.

Oh okay praise be that’s not reality!


NYQUIL

When not feeling at all well

With my eyes out of focal

Fearing a sleepless night oh so frightful

I’ll down a cup of Nyquil

and later if still awake and ill drink a sequel

Not dwelling on the fact that typically a drop of alcohol I don’t swill.

NEW JERSEY

Whoever did originate calling New Jersey the Garden State

Certainly did misstate and fabricate

As it would be more appropriate to relegate that name to one of its many trash heaps

and refer to Dumpy Joisey as the Cement, Landfill and Toxic Waste State-

The only problem is that would not fit on a license plate.


CHOCOLATE GROWTH FACTOR

Eating a lot of chocolate

Although most pleasing to the palate

May make one larger than a Quonset hut.


A VERY NICE FRENCH DISH

I like my food herby, chewy, and stewy

So that’s why I enjoy ratatouille.


THE BOOBIES

Binoculared I obsessively voyaged far to view a booby

But no voyeur is me.

Not one but two did I see

-Blue-Footed and Brown-Footed-

When I went out to sea.


SMAIL

With expectations far too high,

Calling it snail mail

Is setting up the Postal Service to fail.

THE DODO

The Dodo is no mo’-

Why,I no know.

WHY FRY A HEALTHY BURRITO?

A chimichanga is a deep fried burrito

That when eaten greasily chimies down your throat

and once in your stomach unhealthily goes changa, changa, changa…


PEANUT BRITTLE

Every bittle of crackly peanut brittle

Makes my teeth grittle a little.

So creative. Love these, although I know nothing about N.J.

Thanks Jana whose name rhymes with banana but I don't think is from Texarkana.

MATZOS

What’s those?

Matzos.

Unleavened bread?

Ya they’re not bad so I suppose to eat them you don’t have to be nutsos.


CHALLAH

Praise be Allah

For whoever invented Challah.


SHAO MAI #2

Since we are from the shao mai state,

I’ll show you my shao mai

if you show me yours

and the winner can buy the fit to be tied loser a mai tai.


BIRDS OF PREY ARE NOT ALL VIEWEED THE SAME

Many people appreciate the eagle

For presenting itself so regal,

While others upon seeing any hawk

Will longingly gawk,

Along with viewing any kite

Typically will elicit “quite a sight.”

As for the buzzard,

Most wish they all would become smothered.


RECIPE FOR CHILAQUILES

Chilaquiles,

Fried tortilla triangles called totopos

Simmered in green or red salsa

Mixed with scrambled eggs

Topped with queso fresco

and sweet fresh crema,

Served with refried beans,

Is a Mexican meal that I‘d quiles for.


PUT A ZIP ON IT!

Instead of swinging from a natural vine,

Not so benignly

Hordes of tourists nowadays form a beeline

To use a zip line

In many a once pristine chasm-

Which is really nothing other than a form of eco-terror-tourism.


CLICK CLICK CLICK

With my camera all I ever do is automatically point and shoot,

Even though it has sundry manual functions with video to boot.

You see, with that multi-options optical device digital,

I don’t have the skill or patience to figital.

FRUITY PARADOX

The Chinese Gooseberry

Is not really a gooseberry,

While, the Kiwi Fruit is really a Chinese Gooseberry.

Thus, while not a “goose,”

They are indeed some kind of berry.

So, if you enjoy eating this fruit,

The name is berry moot.


I GUESS IT WASN"T IN SEASON

A pulpy, mushy watermelon

Is an earthly hell-on.


THE COUGAR

Cougars are secretive, sleek, agile, and stealthy cats,

Who stalk and ambush a variety of prey-

To munch whatever they may.

No matter how much I admire the cougar,

As they are one mystical and mysterious cat,

Although not likely to be an object of their pred-attention,

I really don’t want to be close to where they are.

So, If on a mountain trail, I discover any trace of their scat,

My only reaction is to scat as fast as this hiking cat can.


TIME TO GRAPE UP

People who are experiencing sour grapes,

Often become bent out of shapes.


CARB ON NO CAN COPY

You say tomato, I say potato

You say collared greens, I say pinto beans

You say okra, I say pasta

You say a salad of spinach, I say an ice cream sandwich

You say cauliflower, I say any bread made with wheat flour

You say provolone cheese, I say macaroni and cheese.

You say nectarine, I say rice terrine

You say tomatillo, I say refrito burrito con queso amarillo

You say a couple of prunes, I say a couple cups full of chocolate macaroons

You say assiduously watch your carbs.

I say ridiculously easy to say,

As I am unconcarbably addicted to loaves and loaves of starchy carbs.


PSEUDO SCIENCE IS WAY BEYOND ME

Whenever I hear the word astrology,

With no stars in my eyes,

I can’t help to see,

That it’s fraught with fraudology.

Uncharted and not zodi-whacked,

Whatever my fate will be ,

Is mine and mine alone-oh-golly-gee.


THE ORANGUTAN

Without great ape-ology,

I find the names

Sumatra

Orangutan

Borneo

To be indigenously funny.

Sumatra of fact,

That is where all orangutans

are Borneo.


TRIPE

My gripe about tripe

Is that no matter how it is prepared,

Its taste and texture is offal-ly weird.

If served to me, my stomach can’t adjust,

So hold on a menudo,

I hate its guts!

NOPAL

Nope! Nope Nope!

I won’t eat a single cactus paddle sliver

the thought of which makes me quiver

of that spiny, slimy nopal

Which is no pal of mine.

Nope! Nope! Nope!


THE IGUANA

I guana learn more about the iguana.

So I’m guana go to Guyana.


NOT TO BE RUDE DUDE BUT...

If it’s true that you are what you eat,

And all that you eat is fast food,

If you don’t become unglued

From the drive-thru window or the restaurants’ seats,

Don’t be surprised to conclude,

With a high degree of certitude,

That your belly will continue to quickly protrude

To a much bulkier and unhealthier magnitude.


RELATIFFITY

Depending on one’s perspective,

All things in life are relative,

Although, absolutely,

I wish some of my family members weren’t.


WORDS ABLAZING

After I think a hyberbolical ton,

I write my verses like a scattering Gatling gun.

So, if I have more hits than misses,

I am genuinely stunned.


AN UPSIDE TO EVERYTHING?

People who have a bad nicotine habit

Are being habitually self-destructive,

But if they are proactive,

At least they will have a start on writing their own obit.


TORTILLA PRESS ETIQUETTE

In your humble adobe abode,

If your dinner guests you want to impress

Serve them tortillas fresh from your cast iron press.

However, if you have guests you want to disgust,

From that press just don’t remove the rust.


THE STURGEON

The female beluga sturgeon

Is hunted wide and far,

Only to put its roe

Which is called caviar

Into a small jar,

Costing you a jarring fortune.

CHICKEN

Please remember that the fried chicken that is cause for finger lickin’

Was once alive until stricken and no longer kickin.’


GANACHE

If plain icing isn’t to your liking

Plus if you’re not fond of fondant

or if to you frosting is a gross thing

So if chocolate doesn’t give you a rash

and cream is in your confectionary dream

Thus in a flash to your life you want to add some panache

Just make a stash of ganache

Although if too sweet your teeth may gnash, gnash, gnash…


COLE SLAW

Shred some cabbage and carrots

Add some raisins and pineapple

Season and mix with mayonnaise

What the hey it may not be gourmet

and perhaps this recipe is odd or even flawed

but after all it’s only going to be slawed.


RADISHED

If all you had to eat was radish

Wouldn’t you feel rather sadish?


THE LIMERICK

What’s a limerick?

Just a poetic gimerick.


TOUCAN TOUCAN

What one toucan can do

Two can do better

Especially when cracking a pecan faster than you can.


RAGOUT

Since a ragout is just a stew

Why don’t they just say soux?


CAN'T YOU MAGGOT A PHILOSOPHICAL EXCEPTION?

Typically Buddhists believe that all beings have sentiency,

From ants, mosquitoes, scorpions, snakes, and the sand flea.

Also embodied in this philosophical reverence of all life

Are bats, wasps, cockroaches, tarantulas, and the ale wife.

Yet, no mantra how many times I meditate om and om and om about it,

Seriously, do they really need to include the maggot?


REALITY TV

Reality TV
Really???

CANADA GEESE

Canada Geese are not Canadian Geese

Although many reside in Canada,

So when migrating carry no passport

and come and go as they please.

TORTILLAS

Some people steadfastly prefer corn

While others adamantly desire flour

and if the tortilla of their affection is not served

In a manner most unreserved

Their entire meal they will scorn

While behaving sour and dour.

As for me, liking both whether masa or harina

All I can say to them is “what the fajita?”


CREEPY CRAWLERS

Creepy crawlers are cause for many painful hollers,

So whether tiny chiggers or army ants,

Egats do your best to keep them blasted pests from going up your pants!


THE JABIRU #2

The gigantic stork numbers in the rice field did mount

As I did unprecedentally 56 count

So there was no need to take a numerical stabiru

Until those Jabiru done did flew.


TIGHTS FOR FASHION #3

I know I keep trashin’

Tights worn for fashion

But it’s no stretch of my imaginashion

They’re the unseemliest ugliest things in creashion.


STIR-FRIED

Since the cooking I do is primarily Asian,

My go to utensil is a versatile stir-fry pan

For such dishes as Moo Goo Gai Pan-

But definitely not for flan.


FOIE-GRAS-GETIT

If a girl tells you she eats everything

To impress, don’t take her to an expensive gourmet restaurant

As soon your wallet will be spent

With you finding out that her definition of everything-

After she left the foie gras and escargot untouched without even nibbling-

Is a hamburger and fries or a pizza with every of her favorite topping.


SQUIDDISH

Calamari sauteed in olive oil with parsley, lemon and garlic sounds really good.

Squid prepared the same way doesn’t sound nearly as good.

PAWPAWS RAW

The blossom of the pawpaw smells like rotting meat

While this fruit’s flesh eaten raw is custardy sweet.

So, if you ever get your paws on them

You’ll know which part is best to eat.

CELERY

Even though very low in calorie

I don’t like celery

and neither should rabbits

As it’s too darn stringery.


AN EGGPLANT BY ANY NAME

In moussaka, baba ganoush, caponata or parmesan

I am so keen on eggplant

That I don’t care if they call it aubergine

Even though I disdain from eating French cuisine.

INFLUENZA

When you have the influenza

Everything you want to try do it sickly influencas,

So if you know how to slew that icky flu

Please let me knew

As not a drop or syrup has suppressed that nagging cough

So now it continues to hurt to lough.


PASTILLA

Don’t let the pigeon deter you

Not even for a smidgeon-

Of course if that fowl stricken instead you can use chicken

To go along with the almonds, eggs, and cinnamon

With a topping of a dough of phyllo.

So give this pie a go rather than a heave ho even if not in Morocco

As the delightfully rich pastilla will certainly fill ya.


SYCOPHANTS

With their cloying “Yes Sir, Yes Sir”

and their annoying “Mam all of your ideas I adore,”

What is deserving of those self-serving sycophants

Is an unnerving swift kick in the pants.


THE WILDEBEEST

The wildebeest bearded, horned, and herded

Looking offalo like a buffalo

Not exactly a feast for the eyes-

I don’t know about gnu,

but it’s a shame to killdebeast.


PARROT DROPPINGS

Parrots are messy inefficient eaters,

one clawing then unfinished dropping their food wherever they pleasers

but at least regarding those screechers

Consistent the same can be said about them as excreters.


THE WILLET

The shorebird Willet

Never to be confused with a Pullet

Although many a crab, worm or mollusc they pull it

Need not worry themselves about being grillit

or ever ending up in a skillet.


THE AMERICAN ROBIN

A hoppin’ robin that keeps earthly robbin’ them worms

Will feed its hungry chicks as they squirms.


THE SEA SERPENT

The Scotch are taken to the sea

Often with a bottle or two of whiskey

but when mistaken they see an eel bent

and drunkenly confuse it for a sea serpent

Having done far more than a wee bit of slurpent

Alas at last it’s time for them to repent.


THE MOCKINGBIRD

If you’re stalking

This bird that affects other avians’ talking

To make sure it is the one that’s mocking

With a view sans any blocking of that shocking squawking

Upon seeing it you’ll end up gawking.


NO SUITABLE OPTIONS

Since I am claustrophobic being buried would not be my pick

Nor would I reserve a place in an urn as I prefer not to burn

As well as not wanting to be bone chillingly frozen is not the way I would have chosen

Or nix to being mummified as it is so undignified.

So as for my last remains I think I will just decide to wholly remain.

DONALD TRUMP

Offending all like a clueless grump,

With an ego larger than any colossal redwood stump,

Runs at the mouth the demonically comical Donald Trump.

Voters cut him no slack,

as like that other famous Donald,

He is so far out of whack,

This guy is a real quack.

Thus for those followers of his that want Trump to triumph,

What is left to say other than HARUMPH!


HILLARY CLINTON

Definitely highly competent,

Her election as the first female president

Would set a long overdue precedent.

However what kind of message would be sent

As in days of yore her morality being absent

Perhaps would have given cause for Hillary to have been pilloried.


THE INCA JAY

Inca dinka dinka

Inca dinka do

I once did view an Inca Jay

Until I done did blinkad

and it inka dinkad flew.


THE JELLYFISH

Since I am sellyfish

It would be my bare footed squeamish beach wish

That it would be you and not I

Who would make the jellyfish go squish.


COCK OF THE ROCK


From a blind on a deck

I saw at dawn frenetic male Cock of the Rocks at their lek

Flamboyantly and loudly putting on a display

To attract a very choosy lady

of whom they would hope one would say

What the heck I will give that big boy more than a peck.




THE CANYON WREN

A insect gobbling denizen of many a Mexican canyon,

You could never find this wren in Sweden.

Then again, they hardly resemble any Sven.


THE GIANT HUMMNIGBIRD

At over six inches this Andean hummingbird is a real giant.

Glimpsed hovering for only a second or so,

You could not say he was very compliant.

Yet dexterously sucking down that nectar,

Gosh was he ever pliant!