BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Scared and Confused

I've been married for 16 years and right after we got married is when my husband would twist my arm, punch me in my arm right below my shoulder, and squeeze tight(kinda like a bear hug)when i would try and walk away. There was one time when he grabbed then five year old daughter by the arm and when i stepped in to protect her he pushed me up against the wall and started to choke me. After that day i told him if he ever laid another hand on me or my children that i would leave and it stopped. Instead what happened for the next few years is that my husband seemed to go into a major depression or so i thought. He would say things like he hates his life and he wishes he could die. I stayed because i loved him and was always trying to help and fix things. He wanted to go back to college so i supported him and helped him graduate. I was so wishing that it would get better and he would find a purpose and be happy. Now he just gets mad all the time and has these violent outburts that scare me and my children. He has road rage with us in the car. Hes always saying how he wishes he was dead and recently he just wishes he could hurt/kill something or someone. He told me last weekend that he wished he never had children because the world we live in is so sorry. He got upset with our neighbors one day and went in our front yard with a hoe and starting digging out words in the ground that said mind your own biz(so embarrasing). I have no family or friends to help since i feel like i have been so isolated. I recently decided I'm gonna try and go back to school and find a job and when he heard i was looking for work he got upset saying that i didnt need a job. He was the one who wanted to take care of our family. I feel like i have given up everything that i have wanted to do in my life just to keep him happy and try to fix things and i'm exhausted and now scared that i have no idea what i'm gonna do.

Hello
There is so much I want to say. The number one priority is you and the families welfare. Research places of safety in your area, always clear history from computer or use the public library resources. You say you have no network of friends or family. Is it possible for you to reconnect with family and friends? If not, you must try to build some support networks around you. Lighthouse, I know you say you love your husband, love comes in many different forms. Love does not come in the shape of fear or embarrassment, Love does not come in the shape of threats or physical/mental pain. You cannot rescue your husband from his thoughts or actions. You can rescue you and your family.
You have to find an enormous amount of strength to make important decisions. Lighthouses send out a beacon of light to warn ships of dangerous rocks or currents. Lighthouse use your beacon of light, your inner resources to warn you of any danger around you. Life does not have to be this way. You need to find your inner strength, stay calm, plan.