BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Help, I want to go back.

I can't stand this anymore. I miss her, and I miss being around people who understand. My dad and brother and and a few friends do their best to be supportive, but they don't understand. They talk to me differently now. My dad especially, treats me like I'm fragile because of the abuse. I was, at least outwardly, a tough kid and he treated me like it. Now he won't even yell anything to me from the next room, he will apologize if he so much as raises his voice with me in earshot, and he hesitates when touches me. When he hugs me, it's like he's afraid I might break. It's just strange. When I go into town, most people who know me are polite but I hear their whispers and notice the stares. I feel like an alien. I started seeing a counselor and she told me to be patient, that that stuff will happen less as time goes by, that they'll get over it. But she also thinks I'm perceiving people as more judgemental than they really are. She recommended that I join an online support group, since the nearest LGBT center is hours away,and that I go back to the DV support group at least a few more times before I decide whether it's going to work for me or not. I really do like the counselor, but I don't feel any less alone. I have no appetite, I've been having such bad insomnia, sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night--not in a row--and I'm so tired, my bones ache. My dad is trying to get me to go to a doctor but I know all they'll do is try to put me on prescription drugs. At the beginning of all of this, I said there was no way I'd ever go back but now I understand why women do. This is just too hard. Please, how do you talk yourself out of going back when you don't feel like you belong anywhere else?

I can't read (which is kind of hypocritical) long posts, but tend to write them. Especially if I close my eyes. Hmmmm I may just have hit on something.

What I can tell you, if you really truely want to know - this is a part of my life I've put behind. But maybe we all go through things we can relate to and help another.

What I did, was - I had to take photos of myself. I was too embarrassed to go out and was limited in many ways I am not anymore.

I had a box which I kept the police reports, photos of the bruises, the broken glass of the windshield when he got mad. I had pictures of punches in the walls, where instead of hitting me, he punched that instead and I know how to renovate/spack, I used to do it w/antiques and back then I'd just fix the spots.

I don't know anymore, I'd have to have someone take me to the isle and I'd just grab stuff; "Shiny-Red-Ball" moment, my husband calls is

But it was a bit like brain-washing. I had a daughter. so, the situation isn't quite the same, but I can empathize.

When I felt the desire to go back. I would excersize. I would first pull out that box and I always had a "To-Go" bag in the back of a closet which had a cell phone in the siding.

Don't go, is all I can tell you. It can hurt so much you feel nauseous. But you can get on here or sign up for things like dating sites that actually tell you good things about yourself.

It is a cycle and very much closely related to that which I'd call and addiction of being torn down and built back up - the "honey-moon" phase.

What your defense really is, or needs to be...is self-esteme and belonging.

Keep in mind cults take in people who have the tendency to feel much the same way. You need to replace the fantacy/with reality.

Be careful, Faith. You really do not want to put yourself back under your abuser's power. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have hurt you in the first place. If you go back, she may hurt you far worse than before to make you too scared to leave her again.

Your counselor is right. Things will get better with time, and your dad will get comfortable around you again as enough time passes. Try talking to him about it. It sounds like he really loves you but is afraid to say the wrong thing. It would probably take a huge burden off him if you and he could talk more easily, and you are the best person to initiate this.

Take up a fitness program to get yourself in shape and switch your focus away from your emotions. Try running, weight-lifting, or martial arts. This will give you back a sense of personal power that your ex took from you. Work towards school or training or a job that will give you a way out of your small town and to a bigger GLBT-friendly city where you can start meeting other women.

In six months to a year, you will be past the worst of what you are feeling now. You will have room in your life to meet the woman you are supposed to be with -- not your ex, but someone in your future who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

I have to agree...

TRUE LOVE - is something that's selfless, unharmful and something quite often is dependable under even the direst of circumstance.

What i feel you may be seeing/feeling is a bit like looking in a rear-view-mirror of an automobile.

But, this time, a phantom or illusion of what it is, in your heart you'd like or rather have fallen in love, for it to be ((hugs))

Thank you, Elleise and RoLongstreet. First, sorry for the lack of formatting. The site won't let me yet. :( Elleise, I understand what you mean about reminding yourself. I never took pictures, just the ones the social worker took in the hospital the day I left, and I don't have them. No police reports either because I never called the police. But I do have scars. A second-degree burn scar on my arm from when she pushed me up against the stove, into a hot cast iron pot. That one was never treated. And where she broke the glass on me, and I had stitches. I keep looking at them and they are what is keeping me from going back right now. RoLongstreet, I think you are right about my dad and I should have a talk with him. I'm just embarrassed about the situations I've gotten myself into. I thought I was too strong of a person. Growing up I saw my stepdad mistreating my mom--not physically so much, but verbally/emotionally--and I thought, that will never be me. I even told people it would never be me, and yet here I am. I definitely think my dad would understand, it's just hard for me to bring it up. As far as getting out of this town, I definitely think I'm going to have to. 5 years ago I got my high school diploma and lit out of here the very next day. I didn't think I'd be moving back, ever. But I have always wanted to go to college, that's definitely more appealing than being stuck at a dead-end job. And we do have a community college here, so I will definitely be looking into it. :)

*Hugs* Faith. I don't have anything to add, the other two ladies said it all. Just hang in there and know you have a place here, if no where else, to talk.

It really was the box of reminders that kept me from going back.

In the process, my daughter was taken from me. I started the divorce when she was 3 yrs. old. Moved away and because he didn't have time to see her, I actually did it to myself and moved back to the down and rebuilt myself.

Well...the town was a small town and one where like everyone knows everyone and I was the outsider.

He found his way into the Country Club made "friends" w/the police, the one church they had there (actually kept notes of these people's family member...to make it look like he cared, both from his work and the town, under the mattress).

Basically he became their best friend. I found them while doing the laundry and making the bed..they were like way in the middle and he was psd when I had them andtook the file and threw it acros the bed.

Joined the Fireman's sport-teams, SF/volleyball and donated tremendously...to anything and everything in the community.

So that's my deal or past.

But the scars? Especially the internal ones, take some (quite some) time to heal.

The outer ones heal much more quickly.

If it's a financial possibility, try to find a passion and get back into the college.

Give yourself something other than memories to look back on and, you know...even possibly meet someone new that loves you and accepts you the way you are ((hugs))

Chelle, thank you. :) Elleise, your ex sounds a little bit like mine. One face in public and another in private. When I told one of our friends what was going on, she didn't take it seriously. She was basically like, well, come back and we'll talk to her. Maybe she just couldn't believe it was THAT bad because my ex was so nice and charming around other people. I'm intense, she is (seemingly) laid-back. And she has this stable, happy family, as opposed to the broken, dysfunctional clan I descend from. Ha. I will have to look into financial aid for school. I found out though, that the college campus here in town is not the main campus, that's 90 miles from here. So I can do my general education here but I'd probably have to move there for my major courses. Which I'm not ruling out, I'd just have to find a job there. I'm actually kind of excited about this whole idea.

I think I scanned through 3 pieces of what you've written.

I don't know why but I can't edit in this forum...so if I make a mistake, it's a visual one.

Ya, there's the happy home vs. the dysfunctional one. But, here's the thing. I think we ALL have dysfunctions from our childhood we work out or need to. We do it, at least I feel, through relationships.

Grants are a big thing these days??? I mean they're there but you've gotta put in the effort and even then some it feels, simply slidee right through.

Find a connection. Find a passion and if you can, pursue it. Gradually you'll begin to feel better about accomplishments and like-minded individuals.

It does take time, but you're right about the 2-faces. One in public, another behind closed doors.

Ok, so how long does it get worse before it starts getting better? Something really weird happened last night. I was sleeping and was awoken by someone banging on the bedroom door. I thought it was my dad but when I asked, there was no answer, they just kept banging. I wanted to open the door, but I couldn't move. Then it just stopped. I got up and turned the light on and opened the door. No one there. I walked all through the house, turning on lights everywhere. My dad finally came out of his bedroom. He said there was no one else in the house and if anyone was to come in, the dogs would have been barking. So I guess it was just a dream, God I hope so. Either that or I'm going crazy from lack of sleep. Anyway, my dad is now insisting I go to the doctor for the insomnia. He said I looked like a ghost last night. So I'll be going in tomorrow. Going to try some Benadryl for tonight, although now I'm sort of afraid to sleep.