BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Sleeplessness While Grieving:

This a very common problem, and not just in a time of grieving.
This article covers some of the ways that I found helped - at times - as well as some other suggestions.

Sleeplessness While Grieving

I would love to hear if any of these worked for you - or if you have some other ideas

Shirley

Great tips, Shirley, and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I certainly have been in this position in the early months after my loss. I was in shock and numb in the beginning. I hardly ate and drank. My sleep pattern was a mess. When the tears came after the shock wore off I would often just lay awake and cry in bed. I think being over-exhausted also kept me from sleeping. Thankfully at the time I did not have a job, because I don't know how I would have been able to keep it. I was useless for a few months.

For me it just took time to get my sleep pattern back on track. I eventually started to eat better and I cried when I needed to. When I finally had better presence of mind I began to take better care of myself. I started a journal to write about my deceased loved one, and then I used it as a way to talk with him. It helped to have that outlet. Sometimes during sleepless nights I flipped on the tv.

It took me a while to listen to music again and do other things I usually enjoy. Grief is a cloud that stays with you until you process what you need to. With time I was able to get better sleep as I gained acceptance of what happened.

I understand Grief...

Mostly, not always, but if a person seeks me out specifically, there's usually a "Cloud." You feel the heaviness, the cunfusion, sadness, etc.

It can also be about transitions, finances, jobs, even just guidance from an outside perspective.

But I agree w/the people I've come in contact with that there are no short-cuts. Grief is something that can take some longer than others...it's kind of like medicine. Each person processes it differently.

Especially w/a loved one, be it a child, husband, partner wife, relative...the best things I've found to help are,:

1.) Don't block them out. When you want to cry out of sadness, do.

2.) Music, memories of the person, scents, etc. Don't be afraid to process those emotions as well.

3.) Finding gorups of people that get it. They've gone through it. You don't have to seek medicine right away, but certainly, it can help at times.

4.) But most importantly, knowing nothing ever disappears entirely. It merely transforms and you carry it w/you for better or worse, with beginnings and ending and beginnings, once again

My mom passed away recently so I know about the grief that comes with the loss of a loved one.
I still want to call her and send her emails. Luckily, I have no regrets because I visited her often, and called her and took care of her and spent lots of time with her.
Of course I'm sad she's gone, but I have such good memories of my dear mother.

I would like to make a suggestion, please. One of the things I have never seen addressed, is why couple friends you have shun you once a spouse has died. After my wife died, I had male friends tell me they did not want me over their house any more. I was told if their wife called me to attend a function, I should refuse it because I was not welcome. I was told to stay away from their wives and daughters.

I always felt this was very strange behavior, because I never acted wrongly in any way. Years later, I found out this was not uncommon, and it happens to women as well as men. My question is why? I just do not understand it. This is one of those events of which no one speaks, and hit you like a ton of bricks when it happens.

Elleise......you are right about no short cuts. Some people run from it or try to ignore it in the hopes that not facing the pain will somehow make it easier to deal with. That is just not the way to properly process it. Every one of us processes grief in our own way and in our own time, but we have to go through it, not around it.

The best way to get through it and to be able to move on with peace is to just embrace the pain when it comes. I can't tell you how many times I would slide to the floor and just sob with intense, searing pain. As much as it was a horrible experience, it helped me in the long run.

The cloud was bad for a while, too. No matter what I did it was always there weighing down on me. Even shopping in the grocery store was uncomfortable. I felt like I was "gray" to everyone around me. I was sad and I did not want to talk with anyone.

It is almost two years since my loss, and although I still have many sad moments, life does go on and the cloud has lifted. It is a process that can't be rushed, and it may very well take another year before the tears don't come several times a week. I have learned to be kind to myself and to accept that I need a break to deal with it all. I am slowly getting back on track with my life.

Ray.......I have never heard of such a thing. That is horrible. I was not married to my intimate partner, but his married friends still welcome me in their homes since he passed on. I am so sorry you had to experience this. It is cruel and insensitive.

Took me awhile to get what you were saying (it's me, not you), but I think I get it.

But first, I'm stunned we've actually gotten to a point in society where, "friends" come out and say such insensitive things. I'd call again and again until you haul-asd yourself over and we could talk one on one. It's a pain...like losing a child when a loved one passes.

On a different note, my parents had a couple they'd hang out with. We were all inseperable. But then the husband died and the wife never came to our house again.

I remember this as this couple was unusually supportive, like best friends and I went to the funeral. I, as a kid, asked why doesn't (XYZ) come to us anymore?

My mom said, it reminds her too much of when we were all together in pairs...now that, I actually got.

For the life of me I can't think WHY people would tell a person they are NOT welcome after a spouse passes away. I am sorry to those whom have had that happen. Terrible human behavior...