BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Does the pain and nightmares evey go away?

I am a new to this site. I keep dreaming about the past. I can't seem to move on. I try, but something always stops me from staying in a normal relationship. I was married to an abusive man for 25 years. (I have been on my own for 11 years now) I knew after 3 weeks of marriage that I had made a terrible mistake. Two weeks after saying I do I found a lump in my breast that needed to be removed, after coming home from surgery my ex immediately wanted sex, I said no but he got his way. This started the abuse. His famous words to me were, when you said I DO that meant I CAN, he lived by this, NO meant nothing to him and no matter how hard I fought he always got his way. He would also tell me It's my way or the highway......well I tried the highway once but by then I had a child and I believe he would have hurt the child if I had not released her. After that he made sure I was unable to leave. He had his ways to make sure I couldn't leave. One day when he was out of control I called his brother to come over. He did and took my ex away for awhile. A few months later the same thing happened, I called his brother but this time as his brother was leaving he told me never to call him again. The ironic part about that was that he worked part time for the Boys Town Abuse Hot line. Why wouldn’t he help me or my children…..but he could help complete strangers. I never got over that. I kept everything hidden after that. He never left marks where anyone could see. This abuse continued and when the kids started to get older he was abusive to them as well. The middle child who is a boy started to take the heat for the other two just so they wouldn’t get beat. The kids and I would hide things from him for are own safety. After the youngest was 17 and I knew he would no longer have to be left with the ex on his own so I finally got the strength with the help of a therapist to leave him. My family was in shock! I never talked about my life to them. His mother who had seen some of his behavior used to tell me that she didn’t know how I stayed with him, but yet when I filed she turned on me. The divorce was horrible and finally after 3 years I was free, or so I thought. He still drives by my home and invades my dreams. Will it ever stop? I’m not sure if anyone will answer me but I think by finally writing this down it has given me some peace. It’s hard to live with 25 years of abuse and not keep looking over your shoulder and waiting for the screaming and abuse to start. I still shake at times and can not go anywhere near the old house that he still lives in. People asked me why I stayed, there are many reasons but the main one is I was afraid to leave…..

I totally understand you...TOTALLY.

Do you have a restraining order in place? Even though it's been a while since you split, if him driving by affects your life, then you should tell that to a judge. I don't know if you have prior documentation (i.e. police photos, court hearings etc). You don't need to go through your life feeling like this...it's not right!

Maybe think about moving....I did...and I may be again...I feel your pain.

Hi Allyson, I was told that since he has a friend living in the area that they couldn't stop him from driving by the house as long as he doesn't sit in front. As for moving, I run an in home daycare and just can't afford to relocate. The daycare is my choice of career I am not going to let him take that away from me. Thanks for the advice it does help talking to people who are going through the same thing. I am sorry that you feel the need to move again.

Oh honey! I understand the daycare situation... and yes it is yours and nobody, NOBODY! can take that from you. I am bothered though, that "somebody" said that if he had a friend in the neighborhood, then that's ok for you to be insecure about your surroundings.

I doesn't have to be that way. It isn't right! I will try and get you some advice! Hang in there. Any problems, call the police..you pay for their services through your taxes. Be safe! Email me personally through the little EMAIL envelope on my site page, ok?

Do whatever you need to do to protect you and your children. I am very proud to hear that its been 11 years for you!!!

KUDOS for her!

I'm just jumpin' in here, but w/a restriction order of protection, I would check w/your local facilities whatever they may be, whether it's a social worker or actually what I did to get a real answer for my situation was get the info out of my zip code

Generally speaking, there should be a way to establish how far away a person whom is established as being a stalker among other things, needs to stay away.

Otherwise...seriously?

Ummmmm, my ex could drive out of state because his is flooded and he had to take a detour of some sort.

Also, if he does or you do live in an area where he has friends, it's a bit like setting up home, in a hornets nest...

Find a way, and get...

You won't until the fear itself is weaker than what you've become accustomed to.

((hugs))

Thanks everyone......I think the only reason I am feeling this way again is because recently he was fired from his job. He worked as an insurance adjuster and was on the cat team so he was out of town most of the time. Now he is home and unemployed. I have a dog that will not let him near me and I am not afraid to call the police. I just wish I would stop dreaming about it. Just finding this site has already helped. Thanks again

At home and unemployed...the equation tends to escalate things.

My dog was the same way. Actually would growl at my ex. The ex took a pan and hit the dog over the head and that was it. He called the dog shelter and told me by law I had to put him down.

I'm like, NO! You come near him or me again and I'll take a pan to you and we'll see how you react. You provoked.

Shelby never went or allowed that guy near me again.

Animals have great instincts. In fact, if remember correctly, the first date I had Shelby lifted his leg and peed all over him, right there at the door.

Guy didn't give up. Showed up 3 weeks later w/garbage bags strapped to his jeans. It's all so very complicated when you want to see the best.