BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Healing, confused and waiting for trial

Hi everyone, Well where do i start? And how much time do you have to read this? I was with my boyfriend for a year up untill April this year. When I met him I was so in love and smitten, I could not ask for a better man, caring , protective (turned out to be controlling) affectionate and loving, committed, he moved in within 2 months. The signs started slowly (although oblivious to it at the time) cut off my friends,fell out with my brother, verbal abuse, then a little grab, then a push then a slap, sexually assaulted, then a panic attack due to being choked/strangled then a black eye (on the way home from church funnily enough) , then no more remorse from him it became the norm and i was living in fear, talked to me like [censored] infront of his friends and family, to the pouint where alot of his friends didn't wanna see him anymore, legs and arms in constant bruises.Constantly confused because one minute he was a psycho, next minute he was the man i first met. Then the worst nightmare .. rape. I fell pregnant in February, found out in march, he always tried to get me to cut off the rest of my family but i couldn't my sister is my best friend and i wouldn't cut off my my mum and dad especially as they are getting older, this was actually the first time i fell out with my brother. So in March i found out i was pregnant he was still hitting me , not as much but then the mental torture began untill the beginning of April , he wanted me to move to South Africa (where he was originally from) I couldn't take anymore and left one night to go to my mums in a state after 3 nights of no sleep due to the constant stress , two days later i kicked him out and called the police, I cant say what exactly changed me its like something in me just switched, I went numb and , i'm not sure if it's because i knew i would have alot of emotion to deal with and my body took over my emotions almost robotically. What I am about to tell you next is the hardest thing i have ever had to do so please do not judge, At 8 weeks 4 days I decided to have abortion because it wasn't fair on the baby and i do not know if i could cope, they gave me the tablets and all the signs of pregnancy stopped however to only find out last week I was still pregnant and 17 weeks along, because of the first set of tablets I didn't have any choice but to go on with the precedure and it has broken me so much, the idea of the first abortion was to do it before the baby formed and actually having to go through with it that far along was so heartbreaking , but I couldn't guarantee the baby would have been healthy plus with the risk of being still born, however this has brought out soo much emotion. I am totally confused, guilty about the baby wishing I didnt take the tablets in the first place, feeling guilty that my ex is on remand hoping he is coping , don't ask me why? And i am missing him, not the nasty him but the fake him, i guess. At the same time I am angry for what he put me through and then what I have had to do about the baby, nervous about the trial in August - part of me just doesn't want to go through with it because I want to move on with my life and he is STILL in my HEAD. I wake up crying, go to bed crying , find it so difficult to hold it in all day. I feel like such a wreck , i'm so confused, I know i have to go ahead with the trial, but I never wanted to hurt anyone , i'm still questioning myself why he put me through all of thet I just do not understand. At the same time I fell degraded, ashamed of my myself, and don't like being around men, it makes me feel dirty. I just need to speak to anyone thats got through a similar ordeal because i'm losing hope that my life will ever change. Thanks

Oh you poor thing!!! Sorry if you don't want sympathy but I can relate to some of your story, but some of it is far far worse than what I had to get through. I'm so sorry for you, especially having to make a terribly difficult choice on your own. Between the abortion and the breakup you must feel so alone and like half of you is missing. :( Crying is the best thing, this might sound ridiculous to you but it sounds to me like you're handling this like any normal, healthy person would. You need to keep crying through all the pain until it fades away. Definitely see a counselor, they just help to share the load and your doctor can probably get you in to a counselor or even a psychologist at a cheaper rate (depends where you live). I think psychologists can handle heavy issues like yours better. Have you learnt about Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Many abusers are Narcissistic and that could help you make some sense of what happened. If you google Kim & Steve Cooper they have a little workbook called The Love Safety Net. It does cost something but I'm really glad I got it. It gives me a constructive focus, how to change myself to make sure I never end up in an abusive relationship again. There's probably other helpful books out there too. You'll need help for your self-esteem, maybe join a local support group for abused women. Your police dept should have a contact for them. I feel a bit limited in the help I can offer because you really have had a horrible experience, much worse than mine. I wasn't even tempted to judge you, I just feel your pain and hope you can keep going through it all. Love & Hugs xo.

Hi there...well my partner of 3 1/2 years is currently remanded in custody for intent to injure me and a lot of other charges. We have a 17 month old daughter and I have a 10 year old son who has another father. The violence in my relationship has definitely worsened over the years and this is the first time I've gone through with charging him and first time I've told my son to ring the police. The day it happened I thought he might kill me he just wouldn't stop he'd been smoking drugs and drinking alcohol. I kicked him out for smoking synthetic cannabis and he'd blown his last chance to straighten out and get it together for his family. So he was meant to be staying at his dad's and I told him not to come round but every morning he was on the doorstep sad face wanting cigarettes and money. The morning it happened he turned up and got into bed and was going to sleep we were just getting up getting ready for school I'd had it I'd been threatening to ring the police cos its my house and I didn't want him there so I said I was gonna call the cops cos I didn't want him here and he just lost it he pushed me backwards till I fell over then was punching me in the head the sides everywhere when I started screaming he choked me till he saw I wasn't breathing I had about 4 blackouts from the blows to my head....anyway it went on he was beating the dog with a golf club cos she broke through the wall to rescue me she's a Rottweiler and he's getting me whilst trying to get the dog it was seriously frightening...he cut my eyebrow open and there was blood everywhere it was horrific...the cops came arrested him and he's been remanded in custody since I was terrified for days that he was gonna get out n come after me or escape custody n kill me it was awful. What I can say is that they can only change if they want too and they have to be honest no more blaming and denial if they want to change and heal it has to be from within them. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your baby and the decision you are feeling so guilty about but what's done is done now and you must look forward not backwards. I've had an abortion and its not an easy decision to make but for whatever reasons we choose they are our choices to make and only God can judge that. The best thing is to just feel what your going through don't hide it don't suppress it just feel it and nurture those feelings and love yourself first and foremost. Know that this moment will pass and after every dark night there is a brighter day. Payer helps me immensely I'm not a Christian more of a new age/cultural/pagan/spiritualist and meditation and prayer really helps. If he really loves you he'll change he'll heal himself and do what it takes to be with you again but know that this does take years and things must be set out clearly so he knows how it's going to be if you were to ever get back with him again. Fill yourself up with love and light and send love and light to him also but let him deal with what he's gotta deal with. For me its hard having two kids and he's in prison and I'm left with all the responsibilities and that's really difficult. Plus I miss him and I want him to be ok. But I know that this is for the best that everything is perfect just how it is which may sound strange but really everything is perfect what is happening is meant to be happening :) I. Hope you're feeling better keep positive this moment will pass :) xo

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is a great book it changed my life it beats all the clinical psychology books in my opinion and the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. Also Essential Psychic Healing by Diane Stein was another life changer for me too Diane Stein is was of my heroines xo :)

Beautifully said "Chichilovedub"!!! If you decided an abortion was best, dont second guess yourself. When the time is right in your life, god will send your baby back. Sometimes it takes the worst to happen for people to change and sometimes the worst happens and people still dont change. Its your choice to decide if you want to wait to see if he changes. Remember. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If he doesnt change, its time for you to change and move on in life. Take care of you!!!