BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence I dont know what to do...

Hello all, This is my first forum to join regarding domestic violence. Truth is, I was fine till now. I personally did not experience too much of domestic violence but I definitely was a witness to it. I am Korean-American. I am the first generation to be born in the US. My first language is English and the first culture I was immersed in was the US's. My parents are very traditional, though my mom is a bit more laid back. They lived in the US for over 20 years and then they moved back to Korea. I dont remember much from our days in the US, but my mom told me it was bad then too. My father treated me like a queen. above my mom, above his own mom. and i grew up as a daddy's little girl. So naturally, my impression of my father growing up was that he was the best dad there ever was. As I got older, things quickly changed. My father has an impeccable temper. He can go from just normal to red-faced, spitting, screaming monster in a matter of milliseconds. I cannot have a normal conversation with him because something always makes him mad and I dont know what he will be angry about that day. I stopped talking to him. I stopped spending time with him. This hurt him a lot. And he tried so much to try and rekindle the relationship we used to have when I was young. There was once a time where during a 40 min car ride, he started off by talking to me about something and then somehow ended up screaming at me telling me I'm a waste. I hadn't said a single word the whole time... Without going into too much detail about what annoys me about him. The main reason I came here to seek out support from ladies with similar experiences. none of my friends know what its like to be going through this and no one knows what to say to me..I just need someone to talk to. My parents live in Korea and I'm in the US so there is not much for me to do to interact with them. I found out my mom had gone to the hospital twice by ambulance because of my father. I had watched him beat my mom mercilessly before and she couldn't come home for days because of the injuries. He had kicked her off the bed and she fell on her head and they had heard some kind of pop. The second time, he hit her so hard that her ear drum ripped. She already has so many health issues that the doctor told her she could possibly drop dead the next time something like that happens. My mom caught him cheating on her and confronted him about it which is when he proceeded to beat her. He had taken out another married woman to the Opera on christmas while my mother slaved away at her restaurant. He justified his cheating by saying it is my mothers fault because she is always working. Now all they do is fight. and my mom doesn't have anyone else to turn to except me. He told her to her face that he's going to continue to meet other women and that there was no way he couldn't while living with my mom. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and he constantly yells at her for "not getting over it." When my mom asked him if he would like it if his own daughter met a man like him and he was so confused by the question. Nothing was wrong with him. This hurts me so much because all I can do is stand by and watch. I cannot afford to bring her to the US to me. She refuses to. (this is also a common thing with Asian women- they do no leave their abusers) She doesn't want to "run away from her problems" and she is afraid of what a divorce will do to her financially. She doesn't want to come to the US and become a burden on me. I'd much rather have her be a burden on me than be a victim to my dad. I seriously fear that one day I'm going to get a phone call explaining my dad beat my mother to death. I do not know who my father is anymore. People like him are exactly the kinds of guys I dont ever give the time of day to. And the worst part is, I can't do/say anything because I am afraid of what my dad will do to my mom. I want her to come to the US, so that I CAN let him know that he has betrayed this family. I know this is a long post but my head is all over the place and I feel like I'm about to explode.... My parents got into another fight and apparently my dad threatened to go kill himself...Is it bad that I kind of wished he did? I dearly miss the father I used to know. I love him so much and I appreciate everything he's done. But I don't know who he is anymore. He's become so nasty and rotten and selfish that I cannot even bear to look at his name on my phone. My mother wants me to continue to love my dad. because he has done nothing wrong to me. he's only done wrong to her. To me, by doing wrong by my mother is also doing wrong by me. There is no point in talking to him because for some reason I think he is Jesus Christ. Nothing he does is wrong. He is always right and he will put you in your place if he gets angry. I dont know how to save my mom....I dont know what to think of my dad anymore...i dont want to get married..and recently ive been having thoughts of this situation might lead to me never being happy...

Jess, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is so hard to watch someone you love be in pain.

Unfortunately, you cannot live your Mom's life for her, or make her decisions for her. She has to come to the decision herself to leave your Dad. All you can do is continue to offer your support and love to her. You can tell her what your fears are (like waking up to a phone call that she is dead). Perhaps one day these arguments will get through to her.

I registered to the forum after seeing your post. I am in a similar situation as you. I'm Korean American and am going through domestic violence; violent dad, mom that won't leave. It's really hard to find people who would understand what I'm going through. I wanted to message you since your situation is really similar to mine but your PM is disabled. I don't know if you're going to see this response but PM me. Hope all's okay.

For myself, it came down to what I felt my life was worth.

I'll never forget the moment either.

My husband then left me face down on a black tar pavement on a 98 degree day. Everything looked rounded, I remember that.

It had me question everything I was brought up to believe including my religion and what my parents wanted for me.

It was then I had to wonder if all of the effort put into my being, was really meant to die at this person's feet?

It went against my religion, but the answer I got was, "NO."
I crawled on my elbows to my own doorstep. They were made of wood. Crawled up the stairs, got to my bed and called a friend for help.

After that, it was my own determination to get out.

***A life remains in motion until a force otherwise intercedes.

90% of that time the interception is going to be faith and what it is you really believe ((hugs))

Its very unlikely that your father will change if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. Learn from this and know that this is not what you want for your life. I know its hard to see mom go through this but she wont leave until shes tired no matter what you say. Let her know everytime you talk to her that if she leaves him, that you will be with her every step of the way. Being in an abusive relationship for twenty years myself before leaving, its fear that keep us there.

Thank you for all your support. I wanted to apologize for the long post without any spaces. I swear I previewed the post twice to make sure its not one big blob of text. Thank you guys for being patient with me and taking the time to read my piece. kkrasara - I will message you.

I truly do hope my mother comes to the realization that she needs to leave and can find the courage you guys had...

[quote=kkrsara] I wanted to message you since your situation is really similar to mine but your PM is disabled. I don't know if you're going to see this response but PM me. Hope all's okay.[/quote] kkrsara - I checked my settings and it says that my pm is enabled. but i tried PM-ing you and it said it was disabled... would u have an email or something?

Hey, email me at miyaknar@hotmail.com It must be the forum settings or something.