BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Anyone stay with a changed abuser?

Hi, that sounds like what we're all hoping for but it would be hard to deal with if it actually happened... I recommend counselling for you individually. Sounds like you need to feel more of the past hurts and express them before you can accept him back into your heart. It's not going to be easy. You might need a fair bit of time, and he might need support to be able to wait... maybe relationship counselling as well? ~ You can only heal from something when you've suffered it fully ~ I don't think it'll be easy, but I think it's possible. Hugs.

I stayed with a changed abuser. She changed from one kind of abuse to the other. It would take years of therapy for an abuser to truly reform him/her self

Thanks everyone. KittyLover that sounds very interesting and familiar, would you care to elaborate when you have the time?

Yes we love the abuser. Why? Because we bought a lie or maybe we were young. But that doesn't make us stupid or weak. Many like me never saw this in our home. My parents will be married 39 years this year. But out of rebellion I married at 16 to a man that is 12 years my senior. But the abuse isn't always control of you. But the fact that he is out of control even when not home with you. Drugs and drinking. You know the bad boy. But yes there is healing Snowflake. Trust is forever his to earn. Nobody changes completely over night. In my relationship its a constant work in progress. Love I found now is about boundaries. I love him but its not surrendering anymore. I am not as vulnerable. In an abusive relationship you may never have those glassy eyes again. Not like the beginning. You will be on guard. Even when he changes the behavior. If I may ask Snowflake. Do you love him or are you afraid to face the world outside? Believe it or not its okay to love him and still leave. I think sometimes people can be cruel without knowing that they are. Making how you feel about him less valid because he may abuse you. Its okay if you love him. Your not the sick one. He is. And yes many abusers do love their spouse or girlfriend. If you really want to heal or deal with feelings then start doing for yourself. I too love to read. But action is the key. I can tell you I started doing just that. I started my own business from home. I speak up now. I command respect. Not for him but for me. He knows when I mean business. But I will turn you onto a book. Its called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I keep it to this day even after reading it over and over for the past 12 years. Its been a great help along with keeping my family and friends close. Especially my dear Mom. Sorry see your going through this. But you know the positive is your reaching out. No your not alone. :) I wish you well and lots of success. Take care of yourself. Sherbear75 :)