BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Is this abuse?

Hi everyone, I was just hoping for a little advice. I have been with my husband since I was 16 years old, I am now 24. I feel as I have gotten older I have become more aware of his problems and I would like some advice, does it sound like abuse or am I over reacting? I have a full time job, I work 50 hours per week. My husband doesn't work, we have 2 kids who are 4 and 5. He seems to have no motivation to get a job ever - which really bothers me. He is content with sitting on his butt all day. The house becomes a mess and I'm the only one who cleans it, usually on my "days off". My husband hits me if he gets mad. I mean, he doesn't do it all the time, but I think its mainly because I have become smart enough to know what really pushes his buttons and I try to avoid the situation. I never let him get too mad, I always cave in order to not make him too angry. I feel like I have no life of my own, everything is based on what he wants, even down to me tasting a certain food. There is no "No" in his world, or eventually he will become angry and it will be ugly. He also controls all the money. My paychecks get deposited into our bank account and I have to ask if I can use my debit card, and he gives me an "allowance" he calls it, of around $50 per paycheck (which are usually around $1600 every 2 weeks). He puts our kids against me, which I think is really bad for our relationship. He has some sort of competition when it comes to the kids love. He doesn't like if the kids are too nice to me, he gets jealous and will sometimes even send them to their room if they are too nice to me. He always does wrestling moves on me even if I don't want him to. He will do "wrestling hits" which I hate, even though they don't hurt that much, I should still be able to tell him no and he should respect that right? Well he doesn't. I feel scared to leave him, just because of this weird connection I feel like I have with him. I don't know why I can't be my own person. I don't know what to do. Any tips on getting mentally stronger? If I'm not happy I should be able to go, but I can't....

I used to be one of these women and a part of me will always remember what it takes to get out.

No matter what I felt, I had the hope enough for two people and a child. As time when on the abuse became much worse and I knew this guy, the one I was with at the time, was a sore loser!!!!!!!!!!!! He'd fight to the death to win, making excuses along the way.

One day I asked why he was so mean. He actually answered.

"No matter how good I'll ever be at something, I always feel I'm riding your coat-tails. You're the one horse I could never break."

The only thing that prevented me from leaving earlier was lack of funds. He wouldn't share in the care of our daughter, no vacation days, personal days, sick days...those were his. So I could work very little.

You have just from what I'm reading $3,600.00/mnth. That plus 2 kids and the help you WILL receive as being head of household...all you have to do is leave

You already know that you have reasons to leave. You even have the desire to leave. But you also know that you don't have the courage and strength to leave--yet.

You were so young, too young, to see this truth of this man. Now, you're a woman.

There are truths to be faced:

1. You don't need permission to get a divorce.
2. You should use your smarts and set up a plan to leave.
3. You are so young and shouldn't waste another year with this undeserving and broken man.

However, there are other truths:

1. You said in your own words that you have a "weird connection with him" which indicates that you don't really want to leave him.
2. You say you "don't know why (you) can't be your own person." That is a major clue to your self esteem level.
3. You say you "can't" go.

With a man like this, you can't waffle between going and staying. Every time you try and don't succeed, he will make it hell for you and harder for you to try again next time. There is no fence sitting. You must choose and choose wisely.

Here are your possible futures:

1. Leave. Start a new life with your children. Live your dreams. Meet a man who deserves you. Raise happy children who know that they have the power to live a good and fruitful life just like their mommy without having to let bad people keep them down.

2. Stay. Slowly but surely, your self esteem and self respect will erode away. Your children will lose respect for you as well. You will fall into depression. Your life will continue to revolve around him and his wants/needs. One day, you'll wake up at the age of 40 - 50 and see that your entire life was wasted on this unhappy marriage.

3. Stay. Get help through counseling. Personal individual counseling first. Then, convince him to go to marriage counseling (although that will be a long-shot and probably not happen). Find ways to inject love and happiness back into your marital relationship. You loved him once before. But chances are, he'll always keep you under his thumb because you entered this relationship when you were still a child. He thinks of you as an underling. A lot of young brides end up leaving when they mature into women.

Sorry this is so long. I'm wordy.

If you're not ready to leave, you can at least start making plans to leave. The first step is to get counseling. You work and have health benefits. Use them. You need to be strong. You need support.

1. Get counseling. This person will be a wealth of resources for you, too.
2. Go to another bank and open an account under your name only. Use a different mailing address (your parents, a P.O. box?)
3. Save a little money when you can.
4. Start documenting any abuse. Take pics of bruises, etc.
4. Fill out divorce or separation papers. You don't have to deliver them yet.
5. Arrange for a safe place to stay (relatives, friends, apt.)
6. Write a letter explaining that you are leaving and how to contact you through an attorney, friend, etc. but not directly to you or the kids.
7. Fill out forms at work to have your paycheck deposited directly into your new account.

Do not do #6 until you are ready to leave. Or, you can hold your ground and tell him that you earn the money so you want to be the one to control the finances. If he balks or becomes violent, have 911 on speed dial. Tell the kids to call 911.

You don't need to prove he has been abusive to get a divorce. You don't have to use the claim of abuse to get a divorce. If he is good to the kids and can be trusted with them, you can file for joint custody. But do talk to an attorney because you might have to pay spousal support because he doesn't work.

Anyway, first steps:

1. Get counseling.
2. Talk to an attorney.

I should let Jeanette give you advice because I haven't gone through this myself, although I have helped a few good friends get through their troubles.

Hey sweetie, Yes, it's abuse. More specifically it's domestic violence, which is about control by force or fear. I think you know that but you're so unsure about yourself. Keep talking to people, reaching out, asking questions. Talk to your doctor and see if you can speak to a counsellor. Rekindle your contact with the friends and family you've probably been isolated from. Learn about dv, because it's complicated! I think it needs soft love and then tough love but every situation's different. You sound strong already, but it's going to get harder yet so look after yourself!

I've been thinking... you did ask about how to make yourself mentally stronger, and I've got some e-books here that definitely strengthened me when no-one else around me knew how to help. If you google 'Kim and Steve Cooper' you'll find a couple who's abusive relationship was completely turned around and I HIGHLY recommend her workbook "The Love Safety Net". It does cost some money but I found the site to be safe and her help is genuine. This is not spam, just something that I paid for (it might have been about $40 for 2 books) and I'm so glad I did. It's personal help that'll apply to any relationship you have, but is specifically helpful to abused women. Even if you don't pay for the books, there's plenty of good tips on the website.

Yes, it's abuse. If he's hitting you, it's abuse AND assault. If he is restricting your access to the money you earned, it's abuse AND theft. And even if he stopped all that, it sounds like he'd still too lazy to either be a real homemaker or get a job.