BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence NEED HELP...being manipulated,living with rage and

I am fairly new here, but have gained some good incite. My story is no different. I myself am an addict. So, I KNOW all about manipulation and the addict thinking!!! It is such a CRAZY lifestyle. [b]My brief story:[/b] I witnessed domestic violence w/my parents growing up,started using alcohol at 13,sex at 14,first use of drugs 16,pregnant at 17(w/ a one night stand),mom at 18,1st abusive relationship 22,raped at 27(pregnant from rape and almost died from ectopic pregnancy),27 first use of a prescribed opiate,due to surgery,immediately pregnant from an abusive "man" at 28, severe depression 29,tried to commit suicide 30,battled depression and on and off drug use 36,father gained custody of my baby 36,several attempts at suicide,BACK w/first abuser38,HE "shoots" me up and I am a HEAVY DRUG user 39,several arrest and warrants,lost everything40(homeless),CLEAN...almost 41,Still w/drug addict,abusive boyfriend,LEFT user and in shelter. [b]I moved to another state w/this person and he CLAIMED he was clean and began using crack my first day here and everyday since.[/b] I spent my days in a new and pretty state, STUCK in the house. Every night filled w/anxiety,because he spent all the money crack. I worried everyday that the room-mate would suspect something. He tells me he uses, because I am a [censored] and put too much pressure on him. The pressure is to please stop using drugs. I found a job and he stole my money and left me home w/no phone and I could not get to work, I lost that job! He screams in my face, owns a gun and thought it was "funny" to point it at me and shoot w/no bullets. I can never talk, he is always right and yells over me. He tells me, I start all the arguments and cause "these issues". He has broken my stuff,thrown things at me,destroyed house property,told me I am a "piece of ****",dumb etc.. NOW he is using crack and pain pills. His behavior is all over the place. He is up all night and when he goes to work, he tries to tell me how "little sleep" he gets, but "pulls his self up" to work and I should do the same! I have NO resources in this new state. He has the car. SO the other day, he told me I did not deserve the light off, cause WE DO NOT GET ALONG!! AND I DO NOT WORK!! When I tried to turn it off, he battled me and tried to throw me out of the bed and broke it, w/me in it!! [b]I LEFT....went to a shelter.[/b] I have SOOOO much anger and shame, I feel one of us is going to REALLY get hurt. Finally, the games begin...He wants to die now, he needs me,he "knows he is f...ed up", he wants to change, "we need to talk". I fell for it...I watched him stay up until 5!!!!, doing drugs and chasing it. Then he left me all day alone to do drug stuff....He would NOT bring me back home, "cause all i do is [censored]". So i was stuck in the house again w/no where to go, until I begged and cried for him to return and drop me off. Finally, he did. He showed me a bunch of crack and money and told me"he needs to hustle" for money, so he can survive. HE is his best customer! [i][b]I am just as CRAZY...i still love this person and my mind tells me I NEED to worry about me,[/b][/i]but I just cry and i feel lost and confused. The "good" times almost never exist any more, the "honeymoon" is shorter and shorter. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE ME!!! [i]I have a college degree and help others, how did i get here?[/i]

None of us ever thought we would end up in an abusive relationship. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My dad was an alcoholic. Mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. I was 6 years old and getting between them to stop the fighting. I would cry myself to sleep at night promising myself I would never live like my parts. Well, I did for 4 1/2 years minus the drug and alcohol abuse. Then I would cry myself to sleep mad at myself for allowing it to happen to myself. Yes, I use the word allow because I did allow it to happen. I let it happen and I continued to let it happen for 4 1/2 years. It was not my fault that the abuse happen, It was might fault for letting it go on as long as I did. It got to the point that I was willing to be homeless again because of him just to get away from him. Yes, of course, you will still love him but you have to ask yourself if your happiness and safety and sanity is more important then him. Is it? Are you willing to be miserable for the rest of your life? Imagine all the things you could do without him in your life. Now think about all the things you are NOT doing because of him. Which picture looks better???

I'm so sorry...

Both for the situation (reading the title) but also I have a hard time reading the specifics.

But, habits are a hard thing to break, even if it's our own habits we're trying to break.

If you're on the outside waiting for someone else to decide to break one, the journey can be long and difficult.

What I feel I'd like to tell you is, try to find the child w/in.

What I mean by that is dig out a photo, if you have one, of when you were a child. If not, possibly a memory where you were happy. It doesn't even have to be happy, but just content, at peace.

To get your bearings, reflect or focus on those historic moments and compare them w/whom you are with currently, sacrificing for. ((hugs))

Yeah, I've been there, done that, wore that T-shirt and threw it in the garbage. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm 55 and my mother was abusive, my first and 2nd husbands were abusive and my son is also abusive. The husbands are dead now (both men died by drug overdose/suicide after I left them) and it was NOT my fault) Too many women find themselves living with a madman. My mother drove me out and then my husband turned my experimenting with drugs to full blown addiction. The 2nd one verbally & emotionally abused me while he was SOBER and in AA!! What I've learned is: 1. I was not at fault, except for not leaving when every bone in my body told me to. 2. You can and must walk away because the only way to help yourself is to do it yourself. 3. I learned to take care of myself by going to rehab, counseling, etc. 4. Do not tolerate abuse, ever. With our histories any added abuse will just make us much worse. 5. I also learned I was more important than the furniture, my home and even my career. To save myself I walked away from everything; 2 apartments filled with good furniture and childhood mementos and good jobs. 6. I had to learn to avoid any chance of getting with another $%^## again, even if that meant never being in another relationship again! It's been 16 years since my last abusive man. 7. I also learned my son was hurt more by me staying in a bad relationship than staying so he had his father in his life. A lot of us were abandoned by our own fathers. He was hurt by me getting into the 2nd bad relationship. Also, not following thru on my promises hurt him. These men, although they blame everything on us, all say similar horrible things as if they're reading the same script. They spend all their energy watching us and everything we do. They usually don't work, even if you're pregnant with his child. They are explosive, embarrassing and destroy your belongings. Many are alcoholics and go to jail a lot. Don't count on the justice system to help much but, call them anyway and file charges anyway because it sends a message to them that you will fight back. Don't use one man to scare off another; you'll just pick another sickie. Even if we aren't at fault, we also get very sick by being with them. We need treatment and the protection it gives. AA/NA are a great help, especially in the first years. We may need psychological support groups and private counseling and/or medications. Most of all we need to learn as much as we can about ourselves and issues like domestic violence, co-dependency, addiction, etc. Otherwise, we will pass these problems onto our children, grandchildren,....Even if you don't swallow all of the AA/NA beliefs, it can still give you the support many of us desperately need. And, even if you can't swallow religious beliefs easily, you can find your own sense of spirituality that will be there to help you in the middle of the night. Talk to your vision of "God" like you would a good friend. I found the friends I picked were also sickies and they did not know how to be a real friend. All these people were "the black-holes of emotional need" and they were sucking the life out of me. My first desire in my new life was to dance naked on my own bed and I did it. I was free to eat when I wanted, sleep when I wanted and not argue with a madman about any of it! Put an end to your personal hell, like I did. There's no guarantee your life will be perfect (don't even think it) but, it CAN get better. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!

I kind of wonder if when we can't fix our parents or have a misconception of what we expect life and love ought to be, we don't try to fix it through victims we find along our way.

The problem can become, we can get so far down into the currents belonging to other people, even ourselves (what we've lost due to well a myriad of things, unexpecteds, mistakes, denial, addictions, etc.) for every rock in the ocean, there's an emotional issue we've probably yet to overturn and explore for the better...like no short-cuts.

If you have to drown something out, and especially if you're WITH another individual...that's telling you something.

It's more like a force you're pushing to make whatever it is your instincts are telling you are false.