BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Positive Pregnancy Test But Having Doubts

So I am very confused and feel like a complete moron to be honest. Well like a very irresponsible adult. I am 32 years old, married and we were trying to conceive. For a few months the feeling to get pregnant took over me. Of course the last month that we were really trying I got pregnant. Instead of feeling joy when I saw the test this morning, instead I felt a terrible sinking feeling. I had an abortion 2 years ago mind you, so you would think my [censored] would have learned a lesson by now. My husband is supportive of whatever decision I make but I am leaning towards abortion. Honestly, if the guilt wasn't there, the "what if" I would already know my decision for sure. I feel like a bad person and irresponsible. I like kids, (some of them) Lol and think I would love my kids very much but I am also pretty selfish and a planner. I enjoy my free time with my husband and my free time in general. I wish in society it wasn't so programmed in our heads that you are supposed to have kids. I know if I have an abortion it is selfish of me but I think it is a clear sign that I would be thrilled right now if I suddenly started my period right now. Was just hoping to get some advice/opinions/thoughts/support. Thank you for listening and reading.

Shannon,
I hear significant ambivalence and I am so sorry you are feeling so uncertain. This is one of those choices that is so very personal.
I think you are right that society does make one feel they must have children. It is not for everyone. There are a few good books that speak to this.
I can only say to listen to your heart to find the answers....this is a tough one.

Thank you for DrHershey for your response. I guess I wish someone had the answer but know it ultimately comes down to me. On top of everything else I am a pretty big girl and have just recently really started getting with the program as far as health goes. And I feel out of this world! I feel badly for putting myself in this situation but also am happy with how things are currently going in my life. I don't want to mess that up. And I don't want to give up my freedom ultimately. I think when I was thinking of having a family, I thought how cute baby would be and forgot about everything else that comes with it.

Hi shannonj424,



My name is Burt and I'm 51 years old.



Connie and I got together when I was 39.



I was always deathly afraid of getting anyone pregnant.



I avoided it at all costs by seeking out women who mostly already had



children as in the case with Connie my permanent relationship.



Your feelings are perfectly natural and normal contrary to popular



belief.



Connie has had two abortions during her previous marriage and the guilt



is a terrible thing.



Being confused about whether or not to bring a child into the world



does not make you an irresponsible adult.



It makes you human.



Welcome to the club.



Depending upon your spiritual beliefs or none it really doesn't matter



which can add or remove to the guilt and or add or remove tools to help



you make your final decision.



Society is very warped.



All it collective seems to do is scream: sex, sex, sex, money, money,



money, power, power, power, babies, babies, babies, fear, fear, fear,



guilt, guilt, guilt



On top of its lungs 24 hours a day.



If you even try to base any of your decisions upon 'this society', it



will inevitably lead to pain and suffering.



I was raised Catholic, so the fear and the guilt were real big.



In fact, I feel very guilty each and every day for not having children



of my own !!!



How that for a twist ???!!!!



I have wonderful and very respectful step-children and



step-grandchildren and we really do love and respect each other.



Connie was in a 25 year loveless marriage and all the religious



traditions she grew up in Pentecostal, Baptist, Holiness, apostolic --



all derivatives of protestant would have hung her from the nearest



tree if she left the marriage.



So there.



Not only do you have the warped and sick society trying to influence



you, you also have the undercurrent of religious or atheist influences.



And, you're supposed to make a proper decision which will affect



several lives mainly of your husband and yourself and all of those



around you -- your family, your friends -- those you work with and



everyone you interact with -- whether or not you decide to have a baby.



It is extremely normal that you are confused.



Period.



Now, I don't want to be ugly or stupid, but you did say that you and



your husband were trying to conceive.



So you conceived.



Connie and I had to break out of our straight-jacket religious



upbringing, so we had to fight with ourselves and our families, because



we did not want to throw God completely out of the picture, but we



wanted a more honest, clear, mystical and direct approach to God



without all the religious baggage attached.



For this, we both suffered greatly.



We read, researched, groveled, cried out to the universe and we jailed,



rejected by those we loved and put down and screamed at for many, many



years.



But, we did come up with some answers.



There is all kinds of boogie-woogie, hocus-pocus, dangerous, false and



even murderous ugly spiritual stuff out there.



But, we got some answers.



First of all, the universe, life, god, him, her, it is not stupid.



They, him, her it -- know you situation.



So, if you are a complete atheist or an agnostic or one of any number



of names and labels out there -- none of that matters.



Cry out to life itself in your own personal way and ask for direct help



in making this specific decision.



Now, remember I was raised Catholic, and I don't know if you know this,



but a lot of the old Catholic tradition DEMANDED babies, babies,



babies.



Why ?



Money.



That's why.



So, secular society found out that works, so they started crying



babies, babies, babies.



Again, Money.



Yet, you know what a tremendous lifetime responsiblity a child is.



It goes for a lifetime.



Forget up to the age of 18.



With the way money works now, it goes on, and on, and on.



So, it's entirely up to you what your decision will be.



Your husband is already supporting you whatever you decide.



But, you will have to decide.



That sucks.



Now, back to some of the answers Connie and I got through suffering a



great deal -- I don't know why we had to suffer but we just did.



Now, if Connie's and my suffering can help you here and now, the it



will help us because in some small measure we have helped you.



Go somewhere quiet, where you will be undisturbed for a long period of



time.



In your home, out in the woods, while you are walking, anywhere.



You can start doing this daily.



Even if you are a complete and total atheist, this works.



Cry out to a ' higher power ' and ask your questions.



Any kind of higher power -- Her, Him, It or just ' the universe ' it



doesn't matter.



Ask very specific questions.



The more specific, the better.



Ask Out Loud with your voice.



You have to do this when you are somewhere really alone, so they don't



cart you off and lock you up.



It really, really, really works better if you can ask out loud.



When you cannot, then ask in your mind.



But, mix the times when you can ask out loud and ask in quiet in your



heart.



Try to make it a daily practice.



Then, you will have to make time to listen.



Listen and watch nature, people, persons, events, circumstances and



situations.



Listen within.



All of your answers are really, really inside of you.



That may sound counterintuitive or silly, or stupid or ' new-agey ',



but it really does work and since it seems your back is up against the



wall -- what the hell, you might as well try it !!



Connie and I took the thought, the person, the personhood and the idea



that this dude named Jesus Christ really, actually and in fact rose



from being dead and physically, literally, actually took his physical



body back up and really did not die, and never will die.



But, we fought tooth and nail to get away from the shackles of all of



the BS we were being told about him.



And, we wanted a closer, more intimate walk and talk with him directly.



Not through some book, building, another person or an organization.



What many folks do not know is that Jesus is the name of a man who



became The Christ which is a spiritual office that has always been



before even you or I or even the earth and the universe was created.



The Christ is now, and always been.



Jesus the man became the physical Christ.



Yes, we went through all that ' born again ' stuff.



But, it really scared the hell out of us, because it was direct and



very mystical and weird to be honest with you.



What many folks don't know and will hate and even knock you out or



try to kill you for or at least beat the f out of you is that this cat,



dude, human being named Jesus Christ openly taught that reincarnation



from human being to human being as a fact and a law.



Oh, that pisses a lot of people off !!!



So, what is true is only true if it rings true within your very heart.



But, in such a noisy world, it's very hard to listen to your heart of



hearts.



It takes practice and skill.



So, if reincarnation from human being to human being is a fact, then



that throws a whole new kettle of fish on your decision.



It means that your parents knew you and worked with you in times past.



It means that you knew you husband before and have worked with him in



times past.



It means that what ever is in your belly knows you and your husband



from times past.



Ouch.



One thing for sure is that whatever is in your belly knows now, today



whether or not it is wanted or needed.



My mother was mucked up for life because her dad did not want her.



It can sense sounds, emotions, your tone of voice and your husband's



tone of voice.



If you really don't want the child then put it up for adoption.



I'm not going to lie to you.



I know that Jesus Christ was God in the flesh and is now God in the



spirit.



I know that I never wanted children of my own because I'm so GD



selfish, lazy, spoiled and not maybe, but totally irresponsible.



Connie and I know that reincarnation is a fact.



And, I want you to read this pamphlet before you make your decision.


http:
//books.google.com/books?id=RmJJFu4qqE8C&lpg=PA113&ots=LW9BrvLZrB&dq=wa

nting%20to%20be%20born%20pamphlet%20summit%20university%20press&pg=PP1#

v=onepage&q=wanting%20to%20be%20born%20pamphlet%20summit%20university%2

0press&f=false



This is what I can add to this conversation and your decision-making



process.



May sound pretty heavy-handed, but I'm male, and sometimes I can't help



that.



Whatever decision you make, please understand that Connie and I wish



you and your husband guilt-free and fear-free Love, Joy, Peace and



Beauty whatever you do, even if you decide to go forward with the



abortion.



Peace.



Sincerely,



Burt & Connie

P.S. We live in ' sin ' because we are not married - stuff happens.
P.S.S. Forgive me for the spacing on the lines. I gotta hit the road and get my grand-babies !! !!!

Shannon, Is it fear that has you changing your mind from actively wanting to make a person? Ultimately it IS up to you. Your entire life is going to change with having a baby. Which could very well be a good thing, or a bad thing. I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor or therapist to talk about the reasons why you wanted to try so hard to have a baby and now that you're pregnant, why you're unsure and considering an abortion. Please don't think I am attacking you, just asking you to step back and really think hard about what you want your future to look like. I'm adamantly Childfree by choice, so personally, if I were in your shoes and was having any doubts...straight to the doctor I would go to terminate the pregnancy. That being said, this is going to be your life, so don't take my words to heart in regards to what I'd do. I'm sorry you're going through this pickle but don't feel irresponsible. You're HUMAN. In this wonderful age of choice and technology we have so many more options as women, compared to what was available 50 years ago. So if you want to get healthy first, lose weight, travel the globe, enjoy free time and live life without babysitters, diapers or screaming children, go for it. With whatever your choice may be, believe in it. You can do whatever you put your mind to.

[quote=Rhinestone Rocky]Shannon, Is it fear that has you changing your mind from actively wanting to make a person? Ultimately it IS up to you. Your entire life is going to change with having a baby. Which could very well be a good thing, or a bad thing. I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor or therapist to talk about the reasons why you wanted to try so hard to have a baby and now that you're pregnant, why you're unsure and considering an abortion. Please don't think I am attacking you, just asking you to step back and really think hard about what you want your future to look like. I'm adamantly Childfree by choice, so personally, if I were in your shoes and was having any doubts...straight to the doctor I would go to terminate the pregnancy. That being said, this is going to be your life, so don't take my words to heart in regards to what I'd do. I'm sorry you're going through this pickle but don't feel irresponsible. You're HUMAN. In this wonderful age of choice and technology we have so many more options as women, compared to what was available 50 years ago. So if you want to get healthy first, lose weight, travel the globe, enjoy free time and live life without babysitters, diapers or screaming children, go for it. With whatever your choice may be, believe in it. You can do whatever you put your mind to. [/quote]<br> Thank you so much for your response Rocky. It means a lot to me, truly! Especially you saying lose weight, get healthy, travel. My husband and I both quit smoking nearly 2 years ago and now we are tackling our weight. We had really just started to get into the swing of things and I feel like it is selfish of me but I don't want to give that up. The way things were going, the freedom, etc. My husband and I have such a great time together (most of the time) lol and I want to continue those adventures, such as finally being able to travel. I think there were a few reasons I had an overwhelming desire to start a family A) My much younger sister came to visit from overseas with her two precious children (I love them tons!!) B) I know how happy it would make my mother C) The idea of sharing that bond with my husband is a natural pull for me and D) I think I was trying to "make up" for the first abortion, make ammends but doesn't quite work that way and now I have myself in quite a pickle. All of those reasons I listed to me do not add up to, good reason to have kids. Oh yeah and of course I know I would love them to death and think they're cute but I think I conviniently forgot all the work and how they aren't cute that often and how the best role is probably of an Aunt. Lol. So I did go to planned parenthood today but they said my uterus was empty but came home and took a pregnanacy test and it came up positive. So either I am not far enough along, I am having a miscarriage or something is off. I then went to my ObGyn and had them draw blood. So best case scenario for me would be I am having a miscarriage. I would be one very happy woman!! So either way think I am going through with it. I want my normal, easier, laid back life back ASAP!! Thank you again! You sound so level headed and great advice! And it feels good to get my thoughts and feelings out there!

Shannon, You are so welcome. No worries. I've been in your shoes before but that was 5 years ago and I was just about to marry my husband. I terminated the pregnancy because I never EVER felt the pull for children. Other's like to say "Oh you're so selfish" "You'll change your mind when you're older" or the best "It's so different when it's your own child". Um...No. I like living my life the way I want, without having to wake up every 3 hours because some micro-human wants something. But that's ME. I also understand childhood is such a small part of the human experience but honestly, sooo not worth it, in my opinion. I am honorary Auntie to my best friend's kidlet and I LOVE it. I get to see only the good things and don't have to deal with any of the frustrating/stressful/obnoxious parts. If the baby cries...I get to return the baby to their parent. Best of all worlds, really. Ultimately, you can't make anyone else happy unless you make yourself happy first. I truly wish you well on your adventures in this crazy world. :)

Shannon......you did say you were trying to conceive. Maybe you did not fully think it through, the responsibilities of raising a child. A cute baby grows up and has many, many needs along the way. In conceiving you are creating life, so you need to make sure this is what you really want before this happens again. Abortion is not birth control.

The decision is yours, of course. But going forward I suggest you have some very deep discussions with your husband about what your wants are out of this life and what you are willing to take on. Raising a child is indeed a lifelong responsibility, and your lifestyle will change immediately. If this is not something you want, then do not try to conceive again for any reason but look into some type of birth control. If you are undecided at this time in your life, which is normal, then use something to prevent pregnancy anyway until you know what it is you truly want.

In the end, even if your husband wants a child and you don't, the decision will still be yours. You need to make sure that having a child or not having one is the right choice for you personally. Don't have one and then regret it, or not have one and regret it. You have a lot of thinking to do, and it may take some time to figure it all out. I think you realize that you need to be responsible about your intimate activities while you make the right decisions for yourself.

I decided at 26 not to have children, and at age 45 I am still happy with my decision, even though I lost my husband over it, a man I spent nearly 20 years with.

I know I posted this quite some time ago but I did want to thank everyone for their input and thoughtful responses. Debbie, you were definitely right on as well and I started doing some serious soul searching and researching after all of this. I kind of got "lucky" because it wasn't forming but I did end up going in for an abortion. I never want to go through that again and since then I have been extra cautious! I read a book by Leslie Lafayette: Why Don't You Have Kids:Living A Full Life Without Children. It was a real eye opener. Don't get me wrong, there is still that slight pull for those precious moments I will miss but unfortunately you get the bad with the good. And after weighing the cons with the pros, the cons are a much larger list for me. My husband thankfully has been very supportive. He has a 17 year old son so that probably helps a lot. Thanks to everyone!

Great choice, Shannon! How nice would it be if more people were like you and had the courage to follow their heart, while avoiding what "society" finds acceptable and unacceptable...