BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence When will he stop

Hi, i am new here and have been in an abusive relationship for 14 years. He retired from the navy a year ago and his mental state became extremely erratic and the abuse worsened. I had slept on the floor for 7 years because of his cruelty. He would not allow me to buy furniture but he equipped himself with thousands of dollars worth of tools. He made me feel worthless, an unfit mother ( i a recovering alcoholic of 3 years) and convinced me i was unable to take care of my son when i had done so for years while he was at sea. He took everything, my son, pets and belongings and moved back to live with his parents. He left me to live with friends. He convinced me he would send for me in 3 months but after a few weeks away from him i began to suspect he was going to claim residency and go for divorce and custody there. I would have not been able to fight him as i was in hawaii and he is on illinois. I filed for divorce and received an ex- parte for the return of my son. My last conversation with him he told me i had to learn to be nice to get nice or he would have my [censored] deported back to scotland. I got a tro but we were trying to avoid a trial so i had to take my son off it and it went through with the abuse not proven. Now he will mot release any assets as he wants to sell them to pay HIS debts while mime are in collection. He won't sign the papers to allow me to get state help and he won't release the assets that i had to sign for. He is stating that i cannot provide a stable environment for my son and that his family can. My son is 14 and barely knows his family as i have been his sole caretaker for over 10 years of his 14 and all of that was on hawaii where they had no contact with him. The abuse i stated is only the top of the iceberg but he lies and tells my son's doctor that i am drinking and a danger to my son. I can't pay my lawyers or really move on as he is controlling everything still.. I just want my son and an end to this.

Hi Jan, I really feel for you and am sorry you are enduring all of this. If your son is 14 I would think he could decide who he wants to live with (not sure if there are laws on this in your state). Can you talk to your son? If you need to go to a womens shelter for help or call Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-852-2102. I would think they could help you and give you suggestions. I endured a 25 year mostly verbal emotional abuse marriage. People think that once you leave you are fine, but it takes a long time to get over all of the hurt and to be able to totally trust a partner. Try to get into counseling and stay away from that bottle. I left my husband a 1 1/2 ago and now he has primary custody of our 2 sons. Unfortunately, my boys followed in their father's footsteps and our verbally abusive to me. We have done counseling, co-parenting and they seem a little better, but still want to be with their dad. I only have them every other weekend. It breaks my heart because even though they are 12 and 16, they are still my babies and my love for them will never stop but the pain endures. I will be praying for you Jan. I have found great comfort in my faith and close friends. Surround yourself with supportive caring people and don't give up! My divorce may not be over but I am 'free at last'! Thank you Lord that I finally had the strength to get away!!

Hi freeatlast, thanks for replying. I have been sober for almost 3 years so he is lying to make me look unfit. I am on hawaii and he is in illinois. My so wants to stay with me. I am so sorry your husband got your kids. The custody evaluator started then he refused to release the funds to pay for her. I had to sign for them. He allowed my bills to go to collection. I have contacted the abuse hotline 5 times, talked to PACT who put in a report to family services on him. He would masturbate in the bathroom with the door open and my son and some of his friends saw him. He has a horrible temper and wiuld threaten to take my son away to keep me in line. He has smashed holes in walls above my head, lunged at me, pinned me against the wall, taken away all my sense of self with his constant blame that everything is my fault. I went into treatment and quit drinking but it got worse after that. My son is adhd and takes meds. When he was with his father he was allowed to self- medicate. So, his sunt took him to the pool and he smashed his teeth because he was not given his meds that day. I feel that he threw me away with the garbage . I do need to go to victims support groups as i think that is the only way i can stand up to him in court. I am terrified of him still.

Gosh, out of all of this, I don't know about the laws, Hawaii, Scottland, but I do live and have lived in IL.

Your soon to be "X" is controlling or trying to anyway and if this hasn't all been resolved yet, you still might have a chance.

I went through something similar, whereas you have a member of a larger organization you are trying to sustain yourself with, I had one who entered into small-town politics, so basically I was fighting the whole town, church, school, the whole bloody lot of them...

Anywho: Listen, look into some of these links. He's bullying you and there are a greater range of projects out there that are much more refined, now and may be able to help.

One I found lists, "Immigration Intervention Project."

In IL they take into account the primary care-giver. If that was you, then what the apposing party does is try to prove you were/are unfit. To do that, and as long as the judge is on the "up & up," not partial, etc., he needs physical proof, documents (signed w/out force, threats, etc.) police records documenting you were a threat to yourself, DUI's, programs you did or didn't enter as well as what the outcome was. Did you complete, succeeed at the program, etc.

He's having you sign the "assets" stuff because in IL they split your assets down the middle and whomever has sole-custody pays child support, etc. There's also pension and alimony if he was the financial provider. You DO have rights!!! Remember that if nothing else.

It's just a suggestion, call one of these pro-bono attorneys and stop signing things.

If you go back to court, you'll have the opportunity to say, if you care to, you were coersed to signing them, forced, etc. and you'll have to go into detail and prove as well, the abuse.

Here are some of the links:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Sanctuary For Families

National Domestic Violence Pro Bono Attorney Directory

My "feeling" is TIMING is of the essence! Also, "All is not lost." Stand up to fear, which, right now is the only barrier, keeping you from moving forward or any other direction that can help

((Hugs)) from afar.

Hi Karen, i jave jurisdiction in hawaii. Have permament residency in the US but fr scotland. I have lawyers but they are not being paid but i signed a promissary note on the house we own in sc. My son has lived in hawaii for 10 of his 14 years, split in two , this time for 6 years. He stayed in il for only 5 weeks with his dad until i got him back with an ex- parte. My husband is bullying me andy son is terrified of having an overnight visit here with his dad and does mot want to go to il. My husband is trying to force the court to make the custody evaluator go to il and see what him and his parents can offer my son. He lives with his parents. I am trying to push for a phsyc exam and convince the court of his abuse. I was granted a tro against buty lawyers sdvised me to take my son and the abuse off it as we can't afford to go to trial then let a custody evaluator decide. It seems to have gone wrong as we now have a trial date and he is insisting that my son go to il anyway. Surely this cannot be in the best interest of the child?

I don't have children so I don't have that part of your problem, however I understand the money thing. My husband is more than willing to spend $2500 on a rifle, but if I ask for a generator to run the heater when the power goes out it's "too expensive". My husband has to have the best new computer right away, but it's "too expensive" to get new bedroom furniture My husband wants to buy a new video game special ultra platinum edition because it comes with a special action figure of the hero of the game it's fine, when I ask him to pick me up a pack of Silly Bandz, he won't do it because "those are junk" how can i get him to get his priorities straight?

I really feel for you. My situation is bad also, but no kids involved. What touched me the most was that you needed to BE NICE!!! I know all about that game...IF YOU WERE NICER AND DID NOT [censored], THEN WE WOULD BE BETTER!!!!...I wish u the best. Your son is older and u could talk to him on a real level. Also, u do NOT want to raise an abuser. Unfortunatly,kids do what they see.