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Hello Forever & welcome

I have some advice, I'm not sure you'll take it, but, you're right about what your instincts are telling you. He's on "good behavior." It isn't real. The pregnancy simply is making him think twice, not only about there being another entity involved, the child, but how much momentum or force he is willing to dispense, due to "complications" and guilt.

After the child is born, its likely to be immediately sureal, following then, more abuse and blame actually about your mothering skills and it being HIS child.

What I'm suggesting, if you can drive, if you can't take a bus, cab or friend (non-mutual...trusted friend) and go to your Health Services department (it'll be somewhere near your town's City Hall, gov't services, etc.) and ask to speak with someone regarding you situation.

Women who feel they can't make it affordably without the man, really can. That's a start anyway, making contact with support, a case worker and even group support. It'll be easier now, rather later when your exhausted and you have to take the newborn with you.

If he gets wind of this he may retaliate, cry and make promises or accuse you of trying to take HIS child away and that's going to be a mess. You're not taking his child away, you're getting help.

If you have a case worker, have an appt. scheduled you get more information. From there, there may be talk groups and counseling, etc. that he could partake, if he wants to change. If he doesn't, you still have support for both you and your children, if you're willing to make some changes yourself. I hope some of this help

Hi Forever,

I've been in the system, needing help and worked for the system giving help. Never once have I had a person come in ready to leave, not ever. And if we get them help, usually they go back, for more than the reasons you've listed.

The short of it, is there is always the option to leave and just like having kids, there's never a perfect time to do it, it happens, sometimes at better times than others.

If you're not ready to leave. Sit with that.

IF you want him to get counseling, go from there. Reforming an abuser, any abuser, hard-core, emotionally demeaning, jealous and controlling, what we're really hoping for is that someone else who's found a fix, an outlet of expressing themselves, is ready to give that "luxury" up and live by boundaries or rules they haven't found for themselves. They don't see the signs and if they do, haven't made certain it never happens again.

How it feels to the abuser? It would be like having a bank account with an unlimited credit line and someone suggests, there's something wrong with that. They've experienced the freedom of limited boundaries.

So, if counseling is a hopeful, setting boundaries and implement boundaries and take your fee-time without his presense whether he likes it or not. Without boundaries, counseling is useless...

One of my girlfriends just got out of an abusive marriage. For five years she thought she could reform this guy, and he even agreed to counseling. But somehow his abusive foundation was much stronger than what this therapist could do, and she eventually gave up. Abusive personalities are some sort of an addition, and the relief and satisfaction abusers get from their behavior is difficult to conquer. Good luck to you and I hope you make the right decision, not only for you but also for your kids.

I hope that you have found the strength to leave, for the sake of your children. I understand your situation. I left my husband with an 18 month old and a 2 month old. The terror in my child's eyes as he watched me being abused will haunt me a lifetime. People tell me that he will forget. He is 3 now and is still triggered whenever people around him horse around, playing. A teen boy put a teen girl over his shoulder, running into the lake laughing and my son ran to me with the same terror in his eyes. Thankfully, those moments are few and far between but for the sake of your children, please do not stay with an abuser. Run far away if necessary, disappear - I did and do not regret it. There is no going back however, that would be certain death. I left with no money, no car, no job, no confidence, nothing but my children and my depression. There are wonderful resources out there. There are caring people who will help you in your escape. You will not be alone, you will be terrified, but you will have your life and know that you are doing everything in your power to protect your children (and witnessing their mother be abused is extremely traumatic, comming from someone who watched my mom be abused for the first 10 yrs of my life). It's a vicious cycle that you must be strong enough to break, and you are strong enough.

Hi Forever, I'm sorry to say that your abuser will probably never change. I endured a 25 yr marriage with verbal, emotional and physical abuse. He always put me down, called me names, turned me from family and friends and questioned why I was gone so long, how much I spent, pushed me around, slapped me, punched me,etc. I always tried to have hope that things would get better, that I could help him. But, things would only be good for a very short time. When he came home from work I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. He too, is an agressive driver, a yeller, boisterous personality. We had two children together and one of the reasons I could take it no longer was watching my boys be like their dad. They've become disrespectful to me, verbally abusive at times. I just hope and pray that me leaving and ending the marriage will show them that their father is not someone to be looked up to. I told them many times that the things he said/did weren't right, but now they take after him.....how devastating! We went to marriage counseling, which only helped for a short time. The whole problem is that he wouldn't admit to his faults, blaiming it on me and not taking any accountability. Please get your children out of that situation because staying will affect not only the rest of your life, but the rest of theirs. May God bless you and keep you safe.

I agree with all the ladies here. It is up to you to fight for yourself and for your children. You all deserve better than this. Please get the help you need to leave this situation behind you.

On another note, never is it your fault to be abused by someone else. Abuse on any level is wrong, plain and simple. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been treated.