BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage how to know if its too late to save your marriage?

My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 yrs, its a 2nd marriage for both of us. We both have 2 kids, my girls are 19 and 21 and off at college and on their own. His boys are 16 and 20. all the kids are great except the 20 y/o. I posted about him on the step-parenting forum, but long story short, he resented me moving in and having "new rules". there were no rules before I moved in, the boys were allowed to have friends in and out of the house all night long, have parties, there is a music room in the basement and they would play all night. My "rules" are no music after 8pm..I work and want to relax after 8pm and sometimes Im in bed by 10pm. No video games in the living room, they have the den or basement for that, the living room is mine and my husbands, our place to relax. My husband was fine with these rules when I moved in. SS fluncked out of college and moved back in for the summer, he is leaving in a week to go back to the college town but he wont be going to school. 2 months ago we found pot in his room. My SS also has a violent temper and has punched holes in the walls in the past. Long story short, he had one of his violent tantrums and called me every name in the book and pushed me across the room. I kicked him out of the house and told my hubby he can come back in when he apologizes and passes a drug test. I also want him to go to anger management classes. its been 2 months and no apology and he is living with his mother. My hubby is mad because I wont forgive and forget and just let him back in the house. we went on vacation and my SS was in the house when we were gone, my husband told me he didnt have a house key and wouldnt be in the house while we were gone..I dont trust him here, I was afraid he might steal something or have a party while we were gone. My hubby knew he was in the house and lied to me about it. now Im having serious trust issues. I told my hubby Im having a hard time trusting him and wanted to see his cell phone to see what him and SS say about me, he took his phone to the other room and deleted messages, then gave it to me and said "read them". He told me he deleted the messages that would be "hurtful" to me. Apparently both him and SS have said bad things about me. My hubby is siding with his son and wont stand up for me on any issue. I guess one time SS was saying something bad and he said "stop it, thats my wife". so once he told SS to knock it off. I noticed when I was looking at his texts that his ex calls him alot and that drives me nuts, it didnt used to bother me before and there was a text from an ex girlfriend who he is friends with on facebook, she lives in wisconsin and my hubby and SS took a trip to Wisconsin to look at a college there and there was a text that he planned to stop in and visit her. I was upset about that and he told me he never went to visit so he didnt think he needed to tell me about it. I think he knew what he was doing was wrong and thats why he didnt tell me. We are fighting all the time now and he told me to leave, I told him no, then he said he was going to leave but he didnt. the house we live in actually belongs to his mother so if we split up I will be leaving, most of the furniture in the house is mine. I only work 30 hrs a week with no benefits, I would have to move in with my parents and at 45 I dont really want to do that but would have no other choice. My furniture would have to go into storage. I told my husband I wanted to see a counselor, 1. to help me regain trust and 2. Im hoping a counselor will tell him to start being strict with his kids before they ruin our marriage. I dont expect him to choose between me and his kids but right now I dont want anything to do with his older son. Im afraid of him and with his violent temper Im afraid he will hurt me, my hubby says he wouldnt do that but I dont know that. We own a gun and the boys know where it is...I hid it somewhere else. He was at a concert for his sons band last sunday and hurt his ribs playing football, no fracture just bruised but he says it cant sleep in our bed because of the pain but he has been out cleaning the garage for the past 2 days..its 10pm and he has been out there all night avoiding me. Ive just about had it with the cold treatment and seriously thinking of telling him that if he helps me move my furniture into storage then Ill leave, but another part of me thinks that as soon as his son leaves town everything will be ok again. I dont know what to do, if I should leave or stick it out and see what happens. Im so hurt and cry all the time. I dont want a 2nd failed marriage.

Khawk Obviously you are in pain and I feel for you in this situation. It sounds as if you believe that his son has a drug problem and that can have serious implications. Just one observation about your post. I did not see a mentionour feelings of love toward your husband nor a mention of his feeling of love for you. Seems to me that is the best place to begin to resolve this issue.

Hi, khawk. I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. I considered carefully what you wrote, and I sympathize with you. There is a very hard truth to real life marriage: Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you are right. Sometimes, you have to choose if you want to be right or if you want to be happy. Why? Because not everyone agrees on what is right. And people just don�t act or think rationally. We�re are driven by emotions.

I agree with you that your expectations of your SS are entirely reasonable. Most parents would agree. You�re not asking for much and your reasons are valid. But this adult child had no rules before you came along. He grew up without rules. And now you come along setting down rules for him, and he feels offended. You're not his mother. His father allows him to do what he wants. Why would he have to obey his stepmother who he's known only for a few years? He may even have bitter feelings about his parents' split and how his father married a new woman.

There is no way that you'll have any influence on this adult son now or in the immediate future. It takes a while to build trust. If you've only represented rules and authority to this kid, he will rebel with certainty. Because you didn't have the opportunity to bond and develop loving moments, you're really in a deficit when it comes to the relationship balance.

Now consider that your husband has had over 20 years of bonding time with his son. How long has he had with you? He already divorced one woman so he has shown that this is the way he deals with marriage problems. His recent behavior indicates that he is preparing to leave you, too.

You say that you don't want a second failed marriage, and you love your husband but just how much you want to stay married and how much you love your husband will be tested. If you make wanting to stay married your priority, you'll have to lighten up a lot in the other things you want such as changing your SS's behavior and the way your husband handles his own son.

Your husband *should* respect your desires and certainly your physical, psychological and emotional well-being that is being shaken by his son. He *should* demand respectful behavior from his son. But he isn�t. And that says a lot about where his loyalties lie.

If you really want to save your marriage, you�ll have to do a lot of back peddling and ego swallowing.

1. First, ask yourself if you honestly want to be married to this man if this situation never changes. There is a good chance that nothing will change. Can you endure it? If any change comes, it will have to come from you. You will have to be the one to put up and shut up�even with a smile on your face.
2. Focus on the fact that you love your husband. Consider that he might be at a loss at how to straighten out his own kid. In many ways, it�s too late for him to make any real changes in his own adult child. �Bend the tree when it is young.� ~ Japanese proverb. In some ways, when you attack or criticize his son, you are criticizing your husband. He was the one who raised him. Be sure that your words and actions towards your husband are kind, understanding and loving. Don�t get angry at him. He�s doing the best he can, given his limitations.

A parent can see his or her child�s faults but never wants anyone to point them out. It is natural, even primal, to defend your child whether he is right or wrong.

You simply cannot continue to bring pain to your marital relationship and expect him to want to be married to you. I am not making judgments here. I am not saying you are wrong or right. I am boiling things down to the simplest concept: A husband will want to leave a marriage when it is no longer bringing him positive feelings (love, joy, peace, happiness, respect, esteem, security, sexual fulfillment).

You say the pain is brought by the SS. Yes, I see that. But your husband does not. After all, he�s lived with his SS for 20 years and even with the pot, music, flunking out of school, your husband doesn�t feel pain or upset from his son. He is feeling it from you.

Find a way to represent positive feelings to your husband once again. No one said marriage is easy. Those who have been married a long time, especially with difficult personalities or partnerships, know that compromise isn�t 50-50. Sometimes, it is 100-0. If you love your husband as much as you say you do, it will be worth it.

See next post.

Do you know what I would do in your situation if I really wanted to save my marriage?

1. Spend a lot of positive time with my husband. Be loving and--this is important--playful. Laugh together. Play together. Be sure your sexual relationship is extremely fulfilling to him. If he wanted to, he could find it elsewhere so be sure he finds the highest fun and satisfaction with you.
2. Apologize to him. "I'm sorry that I've made things unpleasant around here because of my feelings about your son. I guess I raised my children differently, and you have the right to raise your children the way you want. I guess an adult child won't want to follow a stepmother's new rules. Can we make it not about rules but about just common courtesy? Can we strike up a peace agreement? No more rules from me. A little consideration from everyone?" (Respect can't be demanded. It has to be earned. But consideration is something every human should extend.)
3. Apologize to his son with your husband present. "Look, this situation between us has gotten way out of hand. I am sorry if I made you feel upset or angry. I guess I have to remember that you are an adult and won't like to follow someone else's rules. I realize that in a home, everyone should feel comfortable, safe and relaxed. Rules don't create that kind of atmosphere. Let's just try to be considerate towards each other and leave it at that. Believe it or not, I do care about you. I'd like to start all over with our relationship. If you can't, that's okay. But know that I'm sorry for any part that I played in making things hard between us."
4. Have a heart-to-heart with your hubby. "Honey, I realize that you are the most important person in the world to me, and that things have been pretty awful. But, if you love me at all and want to save our marriage, I'm willing to try a different approach."
5. Create the sweetest, happiest home possible. Make yourself so lovable and indispensable to him and his overall joy that he would do anything for you, including standing up to his son. (Instead of hearing my complaints as irritations, my hubby rushes to fix anything that is making me unhappy because when I am happy, a whole lot of good things go on over here.)

To some of you, all this might sound ridiculously self-sacrificing. But truly, you have only two choices: Draw that line in the sand and when he crosses it, be willing to divorce him. Play in the sand even though it can be irritating and scratchy at times. You could find instant relief with divorce and find a childless mate. But everyone has his own quirks and issues. I call them hiccups.

This is an important life lesson--how to get along with difficult personalities--and you have a chance to learn it and grow from it. But growth can be so painful. Oh, gosh, do I know this...