BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I think my marriage might be over because of my ss

about a month and half ago I posted that we found out my ss was doing drugs. My husband never reprimanded him or anything for it, just let the whole issue go. He and I had been fighting about it, when I told my hubby that we needed to talk my ss flew into a violent rage and pushed me across the floor whle calling me every name in the book. I kicked him out. I dont want anything to do with him. He has been living with his mother since then. He is only allowed in the house when Im not home and only when my hubby is here. My husband hasnt said a word to him about him being wrong and expects me to forgive and forget...I just cant do that. We went to New York for a week on vacation and just before we left my hubbys ex called and said she was having plumping problems at her house and wanted to come over while we were gone to do her laundry. My hubby told her it was ok and didnt ask me, I said no, I dont want his ex in the house, then he told me she would do her laundry at her bf's house but SS wanted to come over while we were gone to do his laundry. I said I didnt want him in the house when no one is here, I dont trust him alone. I was afraid he might have a party or smoke pot in here. Well, when we got back from vacation it was obvious that SS was here. I asked my hubby about it and he said he gave his ex a key to the house years ago before we got married...we changed the locks last september so I know that isnt true. when I reminded him of that he said he didnt know how she or SS got a house key. I cant tolerate lies. I told him I was going to move out. While we were gone my car was in the shop and I went to pick it up and when I went to use the credit card to pay the deductable my hubby had cancelled it. I had to use another credit card that had been paid off thats in my name. I was talking to my mother and told her I didnt want to leave and I dont want my marriage to end, when I told my hubby this he said he wants me out and he needs a "few months" to think. I told him I wasnt moving out and he said he wants me out by saturday. Im not leaving, but his house is in his mothers name, Im hoping if we sleep on it we can work things out. I dont know what to do. I love him so much, but I hate my SS. He has serious issues and needs to go to a pysch or anger management but my hubby wont believe there is anything wrong with him..his son can do no wrong. Help.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, khawk. I wish I'd seen your posts sooner.

The stepparent role is tough. I can't give you a whole lot of advice there as I've never been a stepparent. But I can give you some tips for saving your marriage.

It won't be easy but if it is really what you want, you'll need to roll up your sleeves and swallow a whole lot of pride because it sounds like your husband already made his decision when he cancelled your credit card.

It isn't that his son "can do no wrong" but that no matter how wrong his son is, he will always love him. I keep telling second wives that there is nothing they can do to come between a parent and child. The bond is forever. I mean, it has been done in the past but for a person to come between a parent and child is just plain evil.

By not loving his son, you have become the opposition. Your husband wanted a wife who would love, understand or at least tolerate his child. But wait, there is a wife who will--his EX wife. By pushing away his son, you've given your husband a reason to feel bonded with his child's mother, the only other woman in the world who will love this child as much as he does.

I understand your difficult position here, believe me I do. But the truth is that you've backed your husband into a corner. You told him you were moving out and he took you up on it.

Relationships boil down to the simplest of truths: Do you make life with you pleasant or painful? His child is part of him and his life. You can't just cut off a big part of him and expect him to live happily with you.

No matter what his son does, your husband (his father) will never forsake him. He may not like what he does, he may be disappointed, but he will always try to help him. Come the day he ever has to turn his back on his own child, a part of him will die. Don't be the person who brings him to that point or you will always be blamed for his unhappiness.

I'll post next about what you can do to save your marriage but you'll have to post this inquiry in the Marriage forum!

Oh, I'm sorry things have been so tough in your marriage. Blending two families together can definitely be challenging and I know your stepson's behavior hasn't been helping in this area. But, it seems like you really want to make this marriage work if possible. So, do you think your husband would ever consider going to counseling with you? I really think that might help you two discuss your frustrations and get some guidance on the best way to work on your relationship. I think a counselor could also help you both lay down some boundaries with your stepson, and determine if you two can find some common ground. Just a thought. Lastly, if you are able to reunite with your husband, you might want to look into some of the resources out there on stepfamilies. For instance, in my time working at Focus on the Family I've heard a lot of positive feedback on Ron Deal's material. He's written books like The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart StepMom. Just FYI. Well, I hope you and your husband are able to work on your marriage. Praying for you!

thanks for the replies. My husband and I have decided not to seperate, we both love each other and want to make our marriage work but we are still bickering on and off. My SS and I both agree that neither of us wants to see the other one right now. My SS has been living with his mom since we had our fight and I kicked him out. My hubby keeps hounding me to let him back in our house to live, but like I said, neither of us wants to see the other right now. Last night I was coming home from a town 2 hours away (where my daughter lives) and my hubby called and said his ex's plumping is completely shot and she called to ask if SS could stay at our house until her plumping is fixed..it broke 2 1/2 weeks ago and she did nothing about it and now its completely shot. He wanted me to go live with my parents for a few days so his son could stay at the house. I said no. I live here, his son doesnt and he was only home for the summer anyway before I kicked him out so most of his stuff is in an apt. in another town. I couldnt believe he had the nerve to ask me to move out until his ex's plumping is fixed. Im starting to wonder if the ex is just trying to start trouble because she knew better then to call and ask if SS could even stay with us. She is staying with her bf that she has been with for 5 yrs but for whatever reason he doesnt like her kids to stay at his house. He made an exception because SS stayed there last night. I think he just doesnt want to be bothered with her kids and neither does she as long as she still gets her CS check. When my hubby and I were argueing last night I said "im surprised that SS even wants to stay here" and my hubby said he didnt. So I said, "so we had this arguement for nothing"? We went to bed civil but upset. I woke up this morning and he was still crabby but civil, then he got in a better mood as the day went on. SS is in a band and they are in a concert in some teenagers backyard tonight. My hubby went to the concert. I was upset all day and depressed and crying on and off and hubby thought it was because he was going to the concert...it was because I still feel like my marriage is failing. Before he left he said he felt guilty for going to the concert...I was almost happy about that. My hubby told me that he didnt feel I had any right to disapline his kids because Im the Stepmom. He never disaplines his kids. We have a 16 y/o at home too, who is supposed to live with his mom but is at our house most of the time. I dont normally have problems with 16 y/o SS, but he has been a brat lately because of all the fighting. Last night he yelled at me and told me to stay out of his F-ing life. My hubby did nothing to reprimand him. He was mad at me because he said I was pushing his other son away. My hubby and I were fighting about the situation last night and 16 y/o SS overheard and thats why he started yelling. I guess he was mad because I wont let older SS back in the house, but he didnt want back in anyway. I feel like a 2nd class citizen in my house...this house actually belongs to my hubbys mother, she bought it for him to live in after his divorce from his 1st wife. We got married 1 1/2 yrs ago and I moved in with him. I think my hubby feels like the house belongs to him and the boys and Im allowed to live here. Thats the feeling I get. I even thought of suggesting we have his mother sell the house and we get a place of our own so the boys cant throw the fact in my face that their "grandma owns this house, not you". I do love this house and weve put so much into it, I help pay the taxes and bills. older SS is leaving in 2 weeks to go back to his apt in another town. Im hoping if we can hold on that long our marriage might have a chance as soon as he leaves town. I hope he doesnt come back next summer. He is a 20 y/o college flunk out, who does drugs, drinks and plays video games all day and night. I think a 20 y/o who isnt in college should be supporting himself but my hubby pays for everything for him, cell phone, car insurance. I did tell my hubby that SS needs to pay his own rent and bills this year and he agreed to that. I also said he should be paying his own car insurance since he isnt in college. I have an agreement with my daughter that as long as she is in college Ill help her pay her car insurance, she pays for everything else on her own..rent, bills and stuff. She is only 7 months older then SS and the difference between them is amazing. She is very independant and SS isnt. I think my hubby and his ex need to let go a little bit and let SS grow up and take care of himself. I still think me and hubby need counseling...maybe after SS goes back to his town Ill suggest it again. Im hoping a counselor will explain to hubby that its not OK for his kids to disrespect me and I feel I do have a right to reprimand them if they do. What do you all think about that? Do I have a right to reprimand my stepsons? I think my hubby needs to back me up if I do. Thanks so much for letting me vent. Thanks for the prayers...I sure could use them.

OH..PS...we went to the bank and put me on the new checking acct. and he ordered me a joint credit card so we took care of the finances. I also had the banker put an alert on our acct. that neither of us can cancel the acct without both of our signatures. I figured that protected both of us.