BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie--My Story

So I very recently got out of a relationship over the fact that I wanted to remain child free. I am eighteen--a little young, I know--and had dated my ex for two years. He is a staunch Catholic from a very traditional family, so I should've seen this coming a long way off... because I am what I like to call a "free-thinking Christian," a nondenominational Christian if you will. But I was in the middle of high school, young, and in love. It was also my first relationship, so that complicated things further. Keep in mind that we were BOTH 18--both very, very young to be making life choices like this. However, my ex insisted that he had to marry someone who wanted kids, who wouldn't use any birth control--basically, he wanted to marry a baby factory. So I told him that I couldn't be that irresponsible, and wasn't sure that I wanted to give up my freedom so soon. (He wanted to get married immediately after he graduated college.) So he held the breakup over my head for almost the entire time we were dating, and, like an idiot, I fooled myself into thinking that I wanted to be that good Catholic housewife for the longest time--just so I could keep him. But then one day, for no particular reason at all, I woke up and realized that I still had a life to live. We broke it off three weeks ago, and since then, I've learned a lot about myself and don't see myself having children, EVER. However, I loved my ex and in some ways still do. And it kind of hurts when he tells me about this girl that he's oh-so-interested in--telling me over and over again how wonderfully traditional she is, how she wants to have an indefinite number of kids, etc. It's horrible--I feel so bad for this girl and so angry at him for not learning anything from our breakup. Has anyone else gone through this? If so, did he finally learn that he can't have every little thing he wants, that he can't plan out the future to the smallest detail? Or did he just stay naive and petulant? Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent somewhere and figured that this was a good place to do it. Thanks for reading! :)

Hey Mary,

I know breaking up with someone you love is very painful, but rest assured that it was for the best. Anyone who holds the possibility of break-up over your head is not someone you want to be with AT ALL. That is an indicator of a controlling and manipulative person. that is someone who will always try to push and force others to conform to their beliefs of how others should be and behave. This is a person who will not see you for who you are but try to make you into a fantasy person that they want and anytime your words or actions do not conform to what they want there will be drama.

as someone about a decade older than you, I can say I am not the same person I was when I was 18. in fact I think I was a dumb-[censored] at 18. but fashion crimes aside, my choice to be child free never wavered. is not NOT bad at all to NOT want to be a mom, a stay at home mom or a house wife. truth be told, there is more to life than just reproduction. I read your letter and thought, this girl has smarts. PLEASE DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

you ask will guys like him change....in my opinion, No. he most likely wont. people who really want kids, will always really want kids. and his refusal to let his partner use birth control?? that is such a massive red flag. if he got you pregnant he would probably dictate what you are allowed to eat and decide how you should deliver the baby and etc. He would not treat you as a equal and a free woman. You would literally be a fetal incubator to him.

sweetie, be glad you are rid of him. there is someone out there who will be a much better match for you and will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Its always sad to end a relationship, but you have to look at the alternative...popping out babies you don't want just to keep him happy? No thank you! You are better off finding someone who loves you and respects your choices.

And I think its better if you cut all ties with him...it sounds like he is saying things to make you say "oooo..I can't live without you!! Let's have a million babies and name them all after you!!" Nobody is ~that~ into another girl 3 weeks after a breakup with someone you've been with that long...

Marie751: Thank you for your words of encouragement. I by no means think I'm done learning more about myself; I look forward to the day that I can look back at all this and laugh at how absurd it all was. I had figured he was a control freak a little ways into the relationship when he started making all those awful maledictions. And I knew that he was not good for me for a long time. But your mind unfortunately doesn't have a say in the matters of the heart, so I loved him despite my better instincts. (May I also add in his defense that his mother had a hand in his behavior--she is a very clingy, domineering woman who has a very narrow worldview. She herself converted to Catholicism to be with my ex's father--something she told me SEVERAL times that I needed to do. Throughout our entire relationship. Yeah, she was telling a 16-year-old to convert so she could have a nice wifey for her son. Yeesh--psychotic family, very VERY glad I am not going to be tied to them in any way, shape, or form.) Swearbear: Haha, I was thinking the same thing. There was a long, dark time during which I thought this guy was worth a lifetime of what was essentially slavery--popping out babies at "God's will" (remember, no birth control!), and being a stay-at-home mother. I guess the turning point was when he started planning out our lives together, down to the smallest detail--when we were going to get married and where, where we would live (HAD to be within ten miles of his family, imagine that), and when we would retire and what we would do with our retirement. It. Was. Insane. Certainly makes for a good story though, eh? :P (Also, this girl was a good friend of his that had gone through some personal issues--so he had to be there for her throughout the last year of our relationship. They texted back and forth and I thought nothing of it... until they started "talking talking" only a few weeks after our breakup. Sounds like he was searching for his next mommy-to-be while still dating me. ;/ )

Mary.....you have done the right thing by separating yourself from someone like that. Enjoy your freedom, and know that if someone truly loves you, they will love you for who you are and won't try to change you. Being controlled would have been a miserable existence for you. Stay true to yourself!

Thank you! I know deep down that I've made the right decision in ending that relationship--sometimes though, those feelings well up again and it gets difficult to go on at times. Your encouragement helps more than you know--thank you :). But I know that, now, my future is clear and I'm ready to start living my OWN life... not someone else's fantasy.

You go, girl!

mary, i am so happy you realized what you wanted a persued it so forcefully! its great to see women take their i dependence seriously.
i had a similar issue, minus the religion, my bf wanted kids but wanted to leave me at home with them while he persued a career! i broke up with him, only to get back with him a year later with a new declaration under my belt. no kids EVER!
some how in the year we spent apart he and i reached a realization. we loved each other but there was just some things we'd have to sacrifice to make it work. that meant his need for some parttime fatherhood wasn't happening. he'd have to deal with it, and it seems he's very much enjoying persuing his career without the pressure to procreate. so far it's been great with him now and i hope it lasts.

First of all, I am very sorry to that you have gone through this. It's horrible when a guy does a thing like this over the fact that you won't be an oven for his unruly, toxic seed to grow in. I'm glad you dodged that bullet. It's a good thing that relationship is over, especially now that he is rubbing this new girl in your face and telling you how "wonderful" she is and other BS like that. But just remember -she is only wonderful in his opinion because right now she's willing to do whatever he wants in order to keep him. If she were to ever *gasp* develop a mind of her own, he'd just cast her aside as well. Never allow him to even make you feel inferior or like you're less of a woman for asserting yourself and standing up for what you believe. You've done what's best for you. And yes, to answer your question, I have had this happen to me before. I had an ex who was also Christian. The group called themselves the "Church of Christ," and while they insisted that they were different from Catholics, they were pretty much the same. I met a boy there who was about my age, and we started a relationship. Neither one of us was in love, but it was the first time I liked a boy like I liked him. Anyway, long story short, he broke up with me once he found out that I both don't want and don't like children. His mother had a hand in forcing the the break up too. (Only wanted a drone daughter-in-law that she could control and I just didn't make the cut being so strong of mind and will.) I am Agnostic and CF now, and live together with my fiance 3,000 miles away from all the bigots back in that horrid place. He also did the same thing your ex did: Used other girls to try to make me jealous and he just would not take a hint and quit talking to me.