BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Helllpppp!

Hello everyone! What is the appropriate way to deal with girls, 10 and 12 years old, who walk into a room, see step mom and do not acknowledge her? My husband's kids do that when they arrive for their visits and I, based on my upbringing, consider that very bad manners... not to mention, insulting to me. Actually, the third child always says hello but the other two walk in, not a word. I think they are old enough to know better so I have taken to ignoring them in return. I'm new at this step-mom thing so perhaps I'm wrong. Which is why I'm seeking advice from this community. My attitude now is that I am here to help to ensure their safety while they are in our care. Apart from that, they are my husband's responsibility. I told my husband that I am okay with not being a part of their relationship, if they would prefer that I am non-existent (obviously I am not in the room when they arrive so they can't greet me!), then I don't have a problem excusing myself from the scene. I have a full life and can always find other things to do... so, no problem... no animosity on my part. I just don't think I should be expected to jump hoops to win their affection. I have no tolerance for rudeness and I have such a strong sense of my own worthiness, that I refuse to accept that treatment from anyone. Sure, they are kids... but they are very smart, intelligent children who are likely being influenced by an embittered mother. I really don't have tolerance for the nonsense. So, usually, after a while when they realize I'm just carrying on with my fabulous self, not paying them any mind, then they start trying to engage me... by which time I am already totally disconnected from them. I really mean them no harm... I just think that they do not need me and that is okay with me. I don't feel they have to love me. I really think our lives can be separated: when they are with us, I am willing to make their father 100% available to them... when they are not here, he's all mine. My husband does not agree. The thing is, I'm tired of trying and tired of being treated badly... because Papa decided to leave Mama and marry me???!! I cannot accept bad treatment from anyone...it's so against my nature! It's sad because I have sooo much love to give to them! The thing is, I love my husband absolutely and I know he's not happy with the situation. This is my first marriage and I have no children. Before marriage and relocating, I was a successful, high energy, designer-wearing, self-assured, independent,not-a-care-in-the-world, charismatic... etc. (lol) woman of the world. Thank you for reading my rambling... Please let me know your thoughts.

I don't have stepdaughters so officially can't give you any quality advise. I can say that now that I'm older, I wish I'd had a bigger family (only one son who hasn't married). You've been given a chance to have that. Those girls will grow up so fast, move away and have their own babies (your grandbabies). I can't say how to do it but in the long run, the efforts you make to bond now will be well worth it down the road. Even if they don't show the appreciation today, I believe they'll remember it later. Now that she's grown, my sister's step-daughter relies on her for moral support more than she does her own parents.

Best of luck to you!

Thank you, Alice. I have considered all that too... I really would like to form a good relationship with them... but, it just seems easier to let them go their own way. I have a few adorable nieces who think the world of me; I love them dearly and they think I'm the best aunt in the world. I'm thinking, if I don't have children of my own, my nieces will do just fine... I suppose deep down I'm not happy with my decision to not bother with the girls... hence my plea for help/advice here...

Hello Angel68, I know from experience that the lack of acknowledgment from anyone hurts. When we are ignored by adults or children it is impolite and rude. I grew up saying "hello" to people and think it's weird when people don't respond. I am sensitive when I greet someone and they ignore me. I have been a step-daughter and have two adult step-daughters that I have known for over 20 years. They did not always acknowledgment me. This has bothered me greatly over the years. When I married their father I thought we could be friends. I did not expect to be their mother. These girls lacked social skills. They treated all people the same, but I let it bother me. In fact, it affected my relationship with my husband. He accepts and understands the lack of greeting. In fact, I see why his kids acted that way. His lack of support really angered me. The younger step-daughter now greets me. The older daughter does not greet me or my family. We have had a falling out that stemed from this issue and another matter regarding her father. I think this is sad. I no longer have expectations, other than hoping for a healing between the older step-daughter and her father. By the way, she is a controlling person who only contacted her father when she wanted something. I think your step-children may be influenced by their mother. Unfortunately, when divorce occurs children are deeply affected. I know that from experience. I have had difficultly and always felt like an incidential with my husband's children. I think this has helped me gain insight into myself and my feelings. It is not all about me, but I've made it that way sometimes. I think you should continue to be you, be polite, greet the kids (even if they don't). I think they just say "hey" now instead of "hi" or "hello." Another thing ~~ Ask your husband to support you by asking the kids to acknowledge you. I hope this helps you.

I wish I had been more assertive at the beginning of trying to blend our families. Instead of being passive and hoping everyone would "play nice" I should have insisted on a few basic house rules. I may have moved into my husband/step-children's home but it was also my home therefore a few of my wants should have been a top priority. If I had it to do again I would have stated the top 5 (or whatever number)issues most important to me and asked that those be implemented in our home. If you feel strongly about being acknowledged when the step daughters arrive at your house tell them and your husband that a simple "hi" must be said. It is only common courtesy so how can they argue with that?