BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids mother-daughter relationships

This forum has been very supportive in helping me to deal with my choice to be cf, so I thought I'd give another topic a shot: mother-daughter relationships. I moved out of state 15 years ago, and two years later my parents split up and my dad (and grandma) moved closer to me and my husband. Over the years, my mother has pulled farther and farther away from me. We used to talk on the phone periodically, I would fly in to visit her, she would call occasionally, we exchanged gifts on holidays, etc. All of these things faded out: she stopped sending gifts (not that I needed the gift, just the thought), calls came less frequently, etc. Finally, last year, she decided not to come out for my graduation (propbably because my dad was going), did not acknowledge my husband's birthday, and did not acknowledge my birthday. I know she had a strained relationship with her mother, and I have tried to talk to her about how I welcomed calls from her, and I encoureaged her to visit, and expressed that by her lack of involvement (I think I worded it better)was leading to a relationship like she had with her mother, and that I did not want that to happen. My sister has had conversations with her about this as well. She admitted to my sister that she realized that she had put up a wall between us, but she has not made any changes. Fast forward: it has been almost a year since we've spoken. I feel hurt that she does not want to be involved in my life, and guilty that I have not called. However, I am tired of trying to mend a relationship that she does not seem to want. Am I completely out of line? Any thoughts?

You aren't out of line for not wanting to bother with a one sided relationship. I am going through something similar with my grandmother. I have found that its a lot healthier to work on what makes you happy. Its her loss if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. You have a lot of people in your life that do think you are wonderful and a joy to know.

I'm sure many people have the same situation with their mothers, including me. My relationship is better that you state, but whenever we speak on the phone ( we live 4 hrs flight away ) she very rarely wants to just chat.
She also told me years ago, that her mother didn't have much time for her when she was little, but doted on her older brother.
Deep down, I believe she just isn't very maternal, and I have come to terms with the fact that's just the way she is, I know she loves me, and I love her, but for the rest of it, well, that's just the way it is.

As swearbear says you need to focus on the good people around you, and the love and support from friends and other family.

But...At the end of the day, we are all conditioned to what a mother 'should' be - a loving constant figure who gives unconditionally and would lay down her life for your happiness ? and if our experiences don't match up, it doesn't matter how much intelligent conversation, and understanding human nature to excuse different behaviour, we still feel let down.
How difficult is it sometimes to see a mother with a child who is besotted with it's every physical and emotional need...

And isn't this the crux of the problem with society ? it promotes the idea of the perfect mother, but how many not only grow up without a mother at all, or worse are abused by one, either physically or mentally ?

Isn't this why we all sought out this forum, because in society's 'ideal ' that every woman will have a child, and this will be her crowning glory and destiny bringing the ultimate joy, and how can we forget the ringing tones of 'you're not a proper woman til you've had a child ?

So while you can rationalise that your mother is just unable to offer any more of herself than she does, you will still feel cheated that you haven't got that.

I think the main thing to remember is to accept her for what she can offer, and try not to get hung up on what she can't.
- Good words, but I know I complain to my husband after every time I talk on the phone to my mum, that all I want is a chat, and she cuts the conversation short, with normally - well, I'll let you go.' I don't want to be let go. my friend's mum rings her every week, and they;re on for at least an hour..

But just remember there are many others in the same situation, and as we get older and appreciate we are all different under this sky, try and enjoy what we've got, and let go of the rest.

Hi Raso, I'm going through something very similar. My mother takes care of her grandson almost 24/7, so she has no time for anything else, including me. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do but accept her choices, and instead concentrate on ME and what surrounds me (my husband, co-workers, friends). Hang in there!
Gaynor802 says it so well.