BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Co-worker, Peer, Mother

Recently at work, a girl I went to school with was hired. Her and I were never exceptionally close, but we did talk and hang out a bit. Well recently her and I have been working together, her shift always over laps my own.

It's not bad, she's a very personable individual, but today we touched on some very personal subjects. I don't make my childfree status a secret, I don't feel I should. I have 6 adorable cats, and 2 loving dogs and I'm very content with who I am. So when asked "do you want kids?" I don't beat around the bush I answer honestly.

She asked me today "You really don't want kids?" and I said "Nope, I'm very content".

She gave me a funny look and shook her head and said exactly what I expected her to say: "You're going to find a man and fall in love and you'll change your mind. I was just like you back in high school"

I naturally got hostile, having to hearing the same old "You'll change your mind" day in and day out is very much annoying. So I said "No, I won't, I've always been the type of person to make solid decisions in my life. When I say I don't want something, I always mean it and typically never change my mind."

To that, instead of accepting that I know myself better than she knows me, she shook her head and said "You'll change once you find the right one"

I got to the point where I just said "I don't want sex, so my chances of having a child is zero" (Which is all true)

That sparked a whole new "If you found the right one..." conversation. It was during that new segment of our conversation that I told her I had a pretty huge fear of pregnancy. I once had a pregnancy scare when I was 19, and I automatically began looking up abortion options and costs.

She looked at me and said "You seriously don't want kids!" as if that wasn't what I had been saying the whole time. Why did it take me telling her about my pregnancy scare to convince her I REALLY didn't want children?

It wasn't long before I said "Look, I just want people to accept me at face value. I respect everyone's right to choose how to run their life, why is it so hard for people to accept how I run mine?"

to that she answered "I wasn't really saying anything like that..." I tried to be as nice as possible and mostly succeeded when I replied "But yet you're still standing here trying to convince me that I'm somehow wrong, and that down the line I will change. Why is it so hard to accept someone who is very different from you?"

to this she replied "Because I was like you at one point, I said I didn't want kids, I said I didn't want sex that sex wasn't everything and I was more than that. You're like a virgin without being a virgin"

To which I become deeply offended, I answered back "I'm not a virgin simply because I know what I want from my life" and that is where our conversation ended.

So, while I know this is not an asexual forum, I just cannot seem to grasp how people use "I use to be like you" as a valid excuse?

I understand that they may think they know where I am coming from, but they cannot be "just like you" unless they are you. They're not me, and just because they see things differently now, who is to say I don't see things differently? I use to consider kids an option before actually considering them totally out of the question. People don't always arrive at the same conclusions.

Hi Jennifer,

I'm a 6'4" 300lb. virile man and I don't want sex either.

No, this is not an asexual forum per se, but I'm glad you brought up the subject.

Sex is fun, it is pleasurable and it is a release.

But the end result is not worth the few hours of pleasure.

Sex is an economic, social, religious and political manipulation device.

Sex sells... fine. But sex without love is a living hell.

How many people do you know have a warm, healthy and glowing marriage ?

Yeah... the statistics are staggering.

We've all been manipulated from birth.

I mean think about it...

Sex is selfish. It is greedy.

And once you perform the act, then you have to become completely selfless and self-sacrificing overnight.

I think it is stupid.

Now then, I have dug deeply into occult and esoteric teachings to answer the question of why Jesus did not want or need sex.

Everyone laughs at him as being impotent.

Any damn fool can screw -- it takes one hell of a man and a woman to properly care for and raise a child not as an extension of your ego -- but as a resilient free human being.

Yet, the material resources are required.

Now, back to your friend.

People suffer tremendously when they have children.

And, since they are suffering, they want you to suffer too.

The right man and the right woman is BS.

There is no such thing.

That is a Madison Avenue marketing scheme.

The spiritual truth is much stranger than fiction.

Stay strong.

These people are simply jealous.

You are free, they are not.

Enjoy your freedom.

I enjoy mine.

Cheers,

Burt B.

Well, I'm most certainly not asexual, being happily married with a very fulfilling and enjoyable sex life. And, I still never wanted kids either. The "you'll change your mind when you find someone you love" is just about the worst "Bingo" I have ever heard. It was something my mom used to say to me when I was growing up and would mention how I didn't want to have kids. "Oh Dee, when you find a man you love you'll WANT to have his children."

Cut to age 19 when I fell in love with my husband. You don't think that ate away at me? My husband ... I wouldn't say "wanted" kids as much as always expected to have them (he's the only son of Catholic, Hispanics). It made me feel as though my inability to want kids with him meant I didn't really love him. But, I DID (and do, obviously). I could see a wonderful life with this man, and I really did want it. The only thing I could never see was kids. Luckily, he said he'd rather have me than kids, and has recently come to the realization that he never particularly wanted children either. He just figured he'd have them, because that's what people do. So, we are very happy and all is right with the world:)

I honestly don't know much about people who identify themselves as asexuals, but there must be some who actually want kids, right? I mean, you can want a kid but not want to have to have sex to get one? In my head they are 2 different things. My body does not equate sex with babies. My body equates sex with something actually enjoyable

-D.

Hi Dolyn,

As strange as it may seem, there have been epochs on this and other worlds where physical sex was not required to beget life.

It was done with light rays as the man and the woman stood facing eachother.

Now, Connie and I have a wonderful life together, yet we got together much older in life.

I was 39 and she was 43.

We have grown children from a previous marriage, my step-kids and step-grandkids.

Asexual is pretty much you don't really care anymore and have placed your desires elsewhere -- guess it comes with age.

Sex is beautiful and wonderful yet can be a trap or even a living hell -- Connie and I have experienced both in our time.

So, it is a power and an energy that can be used or abused.

I have abused it many times and have paid a terrible price psychologically.

So, in my terminology and reference I prefer books, computers, culture and solitude to mad passionate lovemaking.

It was fun when I was young and it is a serious responsibility whether or not children are produced.

It is wonderful that you and your husband have worked things out.

I have heard that many women who do not desire in any way and fear childbearing may have passed away from bearing children in a previous life.

It is food for thought, yet I was firmly convinced that not only reincarnation is a fact, it is actually a spiritual science.

Also, the main goal of Kundalini rising is to feed and water the upper chakras.

I have abused my sexuality and now I inflict self-imposed absitince for long periods of time.

Maybe I misused the word asexual.. I dunno..

Cheers,

Burt B.

I think it is possible to have a good intimate relationship without having kids. It is a matter of taking precautions and being responsible. If a couple is doing this and they are very loving, being intimate is a way to have a spiritual connection with your partner. It does enhance the relationship and the bond between the two, plus it gives each individual a sense of well-being.

This can be a situation that works, as is proven by many members here. I too enjoyed this with my partner before he passed away, and I do hope I will have that again in my life. For me it is important. It all has to do with being responsible for your actions, and only taking action when you are with someone who really matters to you.

Jennifer.....I think Burt is right. People who suffer want others to suffer too with them. It is not all fun and games having children.

You should be respected for your choice and you should not be questioned. I think that woman was rude for continuing on with a discussion obviously meant to change your mind over such a life changing issue. Stick to your values! Those are the only ones that matter. It is your life to live as you choose.

I'm not old, I'm only 25, in fact going on 26, I think the term "Asexual" holds a very different meaning for everyone. I used it as in "I'm not interested in a sexual relationship".

I can't pinpoint WHY I feel that way, I've not had a bad experience regarding sex, just don't find it necessary. I suppose the same way I view not having children I view not having sex. It could EASILY be linked to my lack of desire for kids. I haven't analyzed it well enough, just know that those are two things in my life I just have no desire for.

I know it's common for most people to desire some physical connection with a lover. I think in the same way parents can't understand us not wanting kids, most people can't understand why someone wouldn't want sex.

It seems like the lack of desire for either kids or sex is very taboo. I'm very content to have a relationship that isn't built on a physical need. I listen to a lot of people older than me say "We never have sex anymore, why doesn't he/she want me?" I just think maybe sex can be too much of a focus, in a relationship.

It's great to have sex, but there is a point in everyone's relationship that sex becomes...less meaningful. Then what? I don't want a relationship based entirely on sex, and then when there is nothing left we're wondering "What did I ever see in them?"

I feel like I'm more than that, and I want to connect to someone on a deeper emotional level. To me the more simple affections mean the most, holding hands, cuddling, they're signs to me, and they are the things I crave more than sex. They are things I cannot do by myself, I can't hold my own hand, I can't hug myself, I can't cuddle with myself. I can always make myself feel good physically, I want the things I CAN'T do.

I don't really know I was really rambling but I appreciate all the support. It really means very much to me to know I can come here and talk and not feel like I'm a weirdo. Too many times to I go to work and feel like I'm standing alone in a store full of people. It's a heartbreaking feeling and I'm really grateful for all the understanding I find here.

There is definitely more than sex in a relationship. There is the affection, respect, communication, the sharing of experiences and interests. I only meant that sex is a way to have an even deeper connection with your partner. It is not the end all, be all. Sex does not have to be only for conception. Besides the bond it creates it is also a way to have fun together. It is natural.

I am so happy this subject was brought up. I have been happily married for 11 years. We do not have children by choice. We have a very close emotional relationship but as the years have passed our sex life has slowed down to a stop.

I have worried about it and thought there was something truly wrong with us. He is 16 years older than I (I am 45 and he is 61), so I just thought that it was due to age, but the thing is that I don't really need sex either.

I made the mistake of telling my mother and she was shocked stating that she and my father had a very active sex life, no matter that he abused her throughout the marriage. Since the sex was active then she thought the marriage was fine.

Is sex something we do for mere pleasure or is it something we do so that we feel "normal"?

I am almost 45 and I enjoy being intimate with my partner. I don't feel that there is an age limit to how long you can have that physical connection with your partner, as long as both are willing and able. It is a healthy and natural way to connect physically and emotionally; it is the closest you can be to your partner.

I find it spiritually fulfilling to me, and I am mentally and emotionally more calm, as well as more peaceful in my relationship. It is a pleasure, comfort, affirmation, and a release for the both of us. It can be fun as well, but always it is a caring, nurturing, and pleasurable experience for the both of us. I don't feel that I engage in intimate behavior to feel "normal" or like every other couple. This makes me happy and makes my partner happy, and it brings us closer in our relationship. We are drawn to each other, and that is exciting as well, enhancing our relationship.

That is just my view on it. My partner passed away 3 1/2 months ago, and I miss him terribly for the wonderful person he was, and also for the intimate time we shared. It was truly special.