BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Cyber Cheating

I recently discovered that my husband had been communicating with several women via the internet. Yes, I snooped! My radar had been going off for some time and curiosity got the best of me. Not only had he located his former college lover, but he was communicating on a regular basis with random fb friends via his inbox. Needless to say, this was a serious blow to my self esteem. I think what shocked me the most was his willingness to share his thoughts and feelings with "strangers" when I literally have to pull words out of his mouth. He says that nothing went pass these communications. I think I believe him only because his time is accounted for. I have temporarily moved out of our bedroom because I felt like I need time and space to think this through. My question is, how do I get pass this? Right now it feels like I might never be able to forgive let alone forget. My friend thinks I'm making too big a deal out of it because there was no physical contact. I feel betrayed all the same...

Hi, C.Honey. Thanks for posting. I'm sorry this has upset you. It must feel awful to find that your husband is communicating with others when he is so reticent with you.

Are you making a big deal out of nothing? Hmmm. Not necessarily. Is it cheating? Depends on the communications. Even if they are not sexual in nature, there is something called emotional cheating. If he and his other are developing more than a friendly bond...it is a type of infidelity.

I think that I would take this opportunity to review my marriage. Why would my husband feel the need to seek out former lovers or female friends? Why does he feel more comfortable sharing thoughts with others than with me?

Of course, I would feel hurt but it would be a serious wake-up call for me. Is there something lacking in our relationship? How is he feeling about himself? Me? Our marriage?

While there never is a good excuse to cheat, there are reasons why people stray. You can learn a lot from this situation. I don't think I would harp on the fact that he did what he did, I would get to the "why" first.

Think about this before I share with you what men have shared with me about why they have strayed outside their marriage.

I know from experience that cyber cheating can lead to actual physical cheating. Obviously something is wrong somewhere, and it may not have anything to do with you, but a problem that he has within himself.

Only communication with him will get to the bottom of it, and if he does not know why he is doing it then counseling would certainly help him to get to the root of the problem. It is worth a shot to save the marriage.

You're right, Cassie, and I was remiss in not mentioning that all-important fact. Sometimes, a man cheats for reasons that have nothing to do with his relationship with his wife. It is an inner drive. Insecurity, compulsion just to name two.

Hi C.honey,

I think a lot of it depends on the type of cybe communication there is.

It's human nature to want to communicate with other people, be it male or female. It's how we thrive.

BUT...if it's something more than just writing back and forth, I'd go as far as even then saying a little curiosity is somewhat normal, and it can feel restraining I guess, if you can't have that healthy (HEALTHY) freedom.

But there should be a boundary somewhere that tells a person, hey this is making me feel differently towards my wife/husband and at that point you'd hope that the person or persons would re-evalute why.

If it's something your partner is doing and just can't stop, well no amount of force is going to make it any more balanced/natural in their not wanting to do it anymore.

If that's the case, my opinion/feeling is - establish your own network and explore that avenue...so turn a negative into a positive

Hi C. Honey, I was sad to read this. If it is not too late to share - I have experience with this (unfortunately). (I see the post is a few months old.) After communicating with my husband it turned out there were deeper issues. I hope you explore this and find some peace. I was always told we were given instincts for a reason; but be careful to not confuse instincts with paranoia. Communication is key.