BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure about having kids, husband wants them

I have not been able to find anyone in my situation on online forums, so I'm creating a new one In hopes of getting some feedback, suggestions and hearing others experiences. I had my daughter at 17 years old. The pregnancy obviously wasn't planned and I spent 14 years raising her on my own as a single mom, her father has never been in the picture and we haven't spoken to him for 12 years now. In 2010 I married my husband. He is a wonderful man and has helped in raising my daughter as if she was his own. My dilemma is that he desperately wants children together but I have major fears, stress and anxiety when I think of having more. I believe the reasons are that my daughter is 16 now and almost grown, and I enjoy the freedom of traveling, sleeping in on the weekends, my independence, and enjoy things just as they are. I have fears of gaining weight during pregnancy, the financial commitment of having more kids and the loss of freedom. Another issue may be that I'm scared of becoming a single mother again, I just don't think I could go through that again. I'm 33 now and I feel the pressure of getting older, and also from the in-laws, society and my husband. I actually got pregnant a few months ago. I ended up miscarrying and felt somewhat relieved, although I had and still have a lot of mixed emotions. My husband can't stop thinking about babies and I'm so afraid to lose him if we don't have any. I know that I need to do what's best for me but I'm so confused. When we met I thought that I really wanted more kids but as time goes on, I seem to have more and more anxiety and fears. Thoughts, suggestions?!

I get it. I had my first child at 32. Now there are three.

As you apparently recall, as a mommy you have to work really hard to find time for yourself. You can travel with children, but it is not the same. You have to really see the vacations as family time and not as time for you & your husband. Children change the roadmap of marriage. Now you become responsible for more persons and their needs (just as you are settling into the idea of simply managing yours). There is a lot a miss about being without children yet, I would not change my life if I could. I love my girls. I love my full of surprises, tears, tantrums, laughter, fun, yelling, sleepless life. Even better, it is clear to me that they have come along to help me on my spiritual journey. I treasure all of the lessons they teach me.

That said, you sound pretty strongly about your convictions. The only doubt I hear is in disappointing others. Are the opinions and praise of others enough to warrant having a baby? In the long run, will having a baby cause you to be bitter toward them if motherhood is not smooth for you? Will your spouse be more disappointed if you are less involved with the new baby than if there had never been a baby? Have you discussed your fears with him? Have you discussed your vision of your blissfully married future with him?

Children are a huge responsibility and your psyche about it will truly affect your experience with it. So, really, really, think about this (as you already are) and decide if you could live with caring for another baby. Then, decide if you can live with their disappointment in making the choice to not have the baby. Then decide if you could deal with their disappointment in you, after having the baby and not being 100% into motherhood.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...

Best of luck.

Agapi ~ I have a question.....did your dh marry you for YOU, or did he marry you to be a baby maker?
Although you should have made the decision to either have or not have children with him - BEFORE marriage, it's a bit late for that now. Therefore, you should NOW sit down with him, face to face, and tell him exactly how you feel. DO NOT let the pressure from others sway you into having a kid. This is your body, your decision. It is not the decision of society, in-laws, or anyone else.

I'm sure you have thought about/remembered the sleepless nights, the financial strain, no time for yourself, and countless other things you went through raising your daughter. Are you willing to do that again?

I must repeat > this is your decision, nobody else.

Best of luck. Please keep posting. I'm anxious to hear what your decision will be.
cp

That's a real hard call, kinda like being between the devil and the deep blue sea.

However, as cream_pie pointed out it is not in-laws or society that is going to be responsible nor dedicated.

The pressure comes from their egos.

On the positive side they want to see you happy, bonded, stable and satisfied.

On the negative side they want you to suffer or go through the difficulty they did.

It is you and your husband's decision.

Period.

Because of the attachment of your beloved daughter and her ability to manipulate the situation for or against, I would suggest that you and you husband alone plan for several little getaways and deeply consider the alternatives.

Connie and I like warm weather, the ability not to keep a precise schedule, books and computers.

Maybe selfish, but that's what we like.

She has grown children and I enjoy my step-kids and step-grand-babies when they are around.

Yet, we can always put them on a plane and then it is just us.

With all the vicious worldwide competition for cash and no morals in how you make the money as long as you make it, on top of all the garbage that you ruthlessly must protect your child from, I decided not to.

Then you have to compete money-wise to show off to your friends, relatives and in-laws how much better off you are then they get jealous, yada, yada, yada.

I have no problem with healthy competition.

I have been a competitive swimmer in high school and an ocean lifeguard here in Florida.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no competition in God.

None.

The Real God not human competitive religious institutions.

Human egoistic competitions is what has led us to the mess we are in.

That's all war really is.

You got more land and more money and more beautiful women than I do... then I'll just take it.

This is why money has become more important than human life.

I want, I want, I want... then what ?

It all slips through your hands as each, the mighty and the meek slip into the great beyond...

Forgive me for the philosophical digression but I think circularly not linearly.

Population control and Malthus is just another tactic of I want, I want, I want...

So, the choice is yours.

Hi Eleni -
Not sure if you are still reading this thread but since I too married a man who decided *after* we were married that he wanted kids, I thought I would weigh in on this:

My hubs and I discussed kids before we got married and I thought it was all settled, no kids. Then we got married and something in his brain flipped. He wanted kids. I did not, or at least 90% did not. I had to consider all the things that I would give up for kid(s), many of them you have already listed. My two biggest hurdles were: 1. I am the breadwinner and can't be not working b/c my pregnancy is not going well or I am healing from giving birth and 2. Being near 40 at the time, I knew the chance of us having a non-normal child were somewhat increased. I would never, ever bond with a mentally-challenged child. Never. I know this about myself and just could not take the chance.

Eventually, after MUCH thought and soul-searching, I have recently (in the last few months) told hubs that I will NOT be having children. Period, end of story. It was hard because he could leave me if he wanted to. Men can always find another woman. He was disappointed but not overly so. But I felt he deserved the truth so that he could make his own choices. Plus, I did not want to live wondering if he was sitting back waiting for me to change my mind. Wanting a child is such an elemental, gut-level thing that I really don't think one person should deprive another person of it if they really want kids. On the other hand, NOBODY should be made to procreate if they don't want the responsibility that goes along with it.

You have raised your daughter, admirably I am sure. Now, you should have some freedom as you have earned it. I sincerely hope it works out for you. It sounds like you have a very loving husband and a good family.

I had a late child with a 2nd husband and had a lot of support from the older children.

YOU have to be willing to go through it all again.

Consider if there are relatives to help out and give respite as needed.

I didn't have as much energy in my 30s with the last child, as in my 20s with earlier births and childcare.

It's true that it gets tougher to raise children the older you get, not to mention the risk of birth defects goes up. Ultimately the decision is yours to make. It is your body and your life, and you would be doing most of the work as most mothers do. If you don't want to go down that road again because you are done raising children, then don't do it again. You are entitled to live your life as you choose to, and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

I know all about this....I stuck to my guns and my marriage ended after a 19 year relationship, but I don't regret not having kids one bit.

I know of so many women who have kids they don't want b/c the man wanted them... and then the man LEAVES ANYWAY!

Nope, nope, nope.