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Joined: Sep 2011
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Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
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that's good you have conscious control Gemineye smile

gradually let it naturally open like a lotus flower.

please don't force it with any kind of drugs.

then you open yourself to all kinds of horror and end up in the loony bin like me for 3/4 of my life !!!

because I tried to do too much too soon.

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Gecko
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hahaaha burt.
burt i mnot bipolar, i was just refering to the core of bipolarism or so to say.what i have is something else.
but finding the core formula when looking beyond bipolarism is the key.
i don t do drugs but did.studying and all that,rituals, but i stopped long time ago,i did it as a shortcut for sometime.that was long ago before i was conscious of who i was.

Last edited by gemineye006; 03/10/12 10:19 AM.
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Gecko
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I'm still new to this bipolar thing. I mean, I'm not new to being bipolar, but I'm new to knowing that it is bipolar disorder. All my life, I've tried to figure out what was wrong with me. How I could be thinking the only thing to do was kill myself one day, and thinking the next day, that I must've been crazy to think that way, was more than I could understand. The problem(s) might still be there, but it seemed that I could manage them. Then, I'd be right back at doom's door again.

I knew that suicidal thoughts went along with severe depression, but if I were severely depressed, I shouldn't be having days where I had fun and felt good.

My turning point was seeing a show about Linda Hamilton's bipolar disorder. It described her mania as extreme irritability and rages. I had always read that mania was feeling on top of the world, with tons of energy. I had never had a day like that, but had many days like they described her mania. Then, last year, I experienced a full-on manic episode that I thought would kill me. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that my eyes hurt, and I could barely hold myself up, but I couldn't shut down the thinking. My mind just kept going.

I finally faced the fact that if I'm ever going to have anything close to what most people consider a "normal" life, I will have to be medicated. I've fought it for years, but I'm tired of being tossed around by my moods. I can't plan things because I never know how I'm going to feel and if I'll be able to be around people. I'm just tired of it.

Thanks for all your comments, by the way. (I also suffer from an anxiety disorder, and believe it or not, I get anxious about even coming on this forum! smirk Sorry for not posting before now. Got some meds yesterday...hoping to feel better soon. I've taken these meds before and felt better than I had ever felt--no highs or lows. Just steady. smile )


Kitten Kristine Jackson
DEPRESSION

The measure to which we judge others is the measure to which God will judge us. Be kind & understanding always. : )
Joined: Sep 2011
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Chipmunk
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Chipmunk
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Originally Posted By: Kitten - Depression
I'm still new to this bipolar thing. I mean, I'm not new to being bipolar, but I'm new to knowing that it is bipolar disorder. All my life, I've tried to figure out what was wrong with me. How I could be thinking the only thing to do was kill myself one day, and thinking the next day, that I must've been crazy to think that way, was more than I could understand. The problem(s) might still be there, but it seemed that I could manage them. Then, I'd be right back at doom's door again.

I knew that suicidal thoughts went along with severe depression, but if I were severely depressed, I shouldn't be having days where I had fun and felt good.

My turning point was seeing a show about Linda Hamilton's bipolar disorder. It described her mania as extreme irritability and rages. I had always read that mania was feeling on top of the world, with tons of energy. I had never had a day like that, but had many days like they described her mania. Then, last year, I experienced a full-on manic episode that I thought would kill me. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that my eyes hurt, and I could barely hold myself up, but I couldn't shut down the thinking. My mind just kept going.

I finally faced the fact that if I'm ever going to have anything close to what most people consider a "normal" life, I will have to be medicated. I've fought it for years, but I'm tired of being tossed around by my moods. I can't plan things because I never know how I'm going to feel and if I'll be able to be around people. I'm just tired of it.

Thanks for all your comments, by the way. (I also suffer from an anxiety disorder, and believe it or not, I get anxious about even coming on this forum! smirk Sorry for not posting before now. Got some meds yesterday...hoping to feel better soon. I've taken these meds before and felt better than I had ever felt--no highs or lows. Just steady. smile )



Dearest Kitten:

It is a living hell. I'm 50 years old and I can scare myself with my own thoughts. I was always very timid and shy and everyone thought that I was a sissy a faggot a freak.

I got into some pretty wicked fights and been in jail and mental institutions off and on at the ages of 14, 16, 22, 23, 30, 48.

I take medicine every morning.

I'm very scared and shy to post this now and I'm physically shaking.

I'm a tall man and somewhat handsome, yet I'm deathly afraid of any social interaction.

Connie and I have become recluses.

We have no friends other than our cats.

None.

It took 25 years to get the right medicine.

I'm glad that your new meds are working out.

I wanted soooo bad to be normal, yet I learned that it is best to be natural because there is no normal.

We may in fact have special insight into the sickness of society and we are striving to live life how we were originally supposed to.

Please take the time to view these videos:


http
://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnsTNEXMRL8&list=PLC41AE6B1DB0C0EA0&index=1&feature=plpp_video

Last edited by Burt B.; 03/24/12 08:52 AM.
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Elephant
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You have made friends here, Burt. You are accepted, and you are LOVED.

Peace and hugs....

Cassie


Debbie Grejdus
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Kitten.....it is good that you know the meds will help you. No need to suffer if you do not have to. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs....

Cassie


Debbie Grejdus
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Gecko
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Burt, thank you for sharing so freely of yourself. I know it is difficult. It is for me. I share your pain, and I understand it.

I don't have any friends, either. I mean, there are people I care for who I communicate with online, and I would love to see some of them. However, since I can't ever predict how I will feel at any given time, I'm afraid to commit to getting together with people. And sometimes, I just cannot talk to people. Just like sometimes I'm unable to come onto this forum. It's not that I don't want to--I just feel so anxious about it, I can't.

As for the videos, I couldn't get to them. Raw URLs aren't supposed to be posted in here, so maybe that's why. I guess I'm supposed to delete that, but I don't know.

Anyway, know that I care about your pain and your struggles. I share them with you. I wish only the best for you. There are so many of us who are suffering. I'm so glad that you have Connie and your cats. I have Kelley and my little doxie. They help keep me going, since I'm away from my daughter now. She's 20 years old & staying with my mom, and it's tearing me apart. I just have to try to take care of me for now, and that's a full-time job!



Kitten Kristine Jackson
DEPRESSION

The measure to which we judge others is the measure to which God will judge us. Be kind & understanding always. : )
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 444
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Gecko
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Cassie, thanks so much for your concern. I had to stop taking this mood stabilizer before because of side effects. Hoping I can be okay with it this time, because I did feel good while on it. smile


Kitten Kristine Jackson
DEPRESSION

The measure to which we judge others is the measure to which God will judge us. Be kind & understanding always. : )
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,855
Chipmunk
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Hi Kitten,

I'm glad you came back on the forum.

I was very concerned that I scared you away.

Yes, these emotional issues are very difficult.

Not many folks understand.

-- Burt B.

Joined: Apr 2009
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Koala
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Bipolar disorder runs strongly in my family. It has turned my family inside out on more than one occasion. The worst afflicted was my brother. He didn't like his meds because he liked the up sides but he self medicated with drugs and alcohol. I listened to him attempt to commit suicide over a police scanner. I was a reporter, it just happened to be my brother. Other family members suffer at a lesser degree. One in particular won't or can't admit they need help, and it hurts me greatly.

My brother is no longer with us, mostly on account of a national mental health system that is horribly broken.

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