BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters I need Help

I have a 12 year old stepdaughter that just came to live with us in August. Her mom has gone through numerous boyfriends and we are giving her a stable normal life. However, she is incredibly slow at everything, her teachers say she is comparable to a 5 or 6 year old. Her hygiene is horrible, I'm still having to tell her to wipe after urinating (i've noticed the tp in her bathroom hasn't gone down) and she doesn't seem to care about her appearance. We constantly catch her staring at us or other people, it's very creepy. We have caught her in numerous lies about stupid stuff. She is overly distracted and can't focus for 2 minutes on homework or in school. I took her to her family doc, physically she is fine. Her IQ is within normal range, she's not dyslexic nor does she have ADD. But there is just something off about her and I don't know where to turn. Any ideas? She has no friends, I'm assuming because of her slowness and staring, she seems to relate better to kids much younger to her. I need help.

Hello Amy,

Thank you for helping her by both taking her in and caring enough to seek assistance for her wellbeing. I agree with you she may have some challenges, but we must be careful with this label because lack of care from her mother as well as some mental or physical abuse can cause trauma on such a young girl. My first suggestion is to continue to show love to her even when she doesn't want it. She hasn't had that stability so her version of love is neglect, not caring for self, and being augmentative. She is very frustrated with not being able to be with her mother and the path that her mother has chosen. Even in going through such an ordeal, she would probably want to continue living like that. Secondly I think you may want to consider taking her to a therapist. Although they may rule out some challenges other challenges may still exist as a result of neglect and or challenges that are existing but may have been hidden by her care. I would like to know the state that you live in and I can give you several resources for your area. Both low cost and free. I have attached a couple of articles based on hygiene and self-esteem. I would like to see if you could keep me updated on you progress with her.

Your job is going to be the biggest. You will be viewed as someone trying to take the place of her mother. Someone trying to tell her how to take care of herself (which then she would rebel further)and she probably is just not well enough because her self-esteem has gone so far down. I know that you are only trying to help but because she has gone through so much she has a lot of mixed feelings of hurt, shame, neglect and fearfulness. She has to start feeling better about herself before she can do better. And as I mentioned before some actions are some she can't help because challenges may exist. Check out the links listed below and some resources and then let me know of your state for further availability of resources. Thank you again for caring about her so much. She will need a mother figure to step in on roller blades instead of running or walking shoes - it looks like tag you are it. You cannot replace her mother but you can provide the next best thing your love and care along with the nurturing side you already have by reaching out for help for her. Thank you for being you! Good luck! Also, I have the other part of this topic under with additional links listed below this. Click on links listed below.

Self-Esteem

Girl's Hygiene
Daughter Bedrooms

Middle Aged Girl's

Hello Amy,

Here are two additional links to assist with your stepdaughter. Hang in there she cares for you she's just not sure how to show.


Getting Involved - Stress Reducer

Getting Involved - Stress Reducer II

I would suggest finding her a counselor. These are all earmarks of a child that has endured abuse. If you ask her directly she is likely to say no, some become hyper defensive because they believe it is their fault. It's even possible that she does not remember.

The counselor should be personable more than by the book. Examine which she is more responsive to, you or your husband. This will give you an indication as to which gender she is more likely to open up and communicate.

Her self-esteem has been shattered. As a parent the most productive thing you can do with her is make hygiene a positive experience. Have a mother/daughter day to get nails or hair done and associate it with her success of proper grooming - showering, brushing teeth and the like. Have weekend makeup/facials. She is likely waiting for somebody to sense something has gone terribly wrong in her world.

If you are in America contact the Child Abuse Hotline at 800-4-A-CHILD. They should be able to direct you to local resources to get an assessment.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Thank you Deb for responding. I am much better with animals than people and when I married my husband, I had NO idea that we would ever get custody of his daughter. I was fine with every other weekend, but this 24/7 has been difficult. I wouldn't be surprised if there was abuse, 2 of her mother's ex-boyfriends have hit her, who knows what else they did. I am probably not the best person for her, she needs LOTS of hugs, and I am not a huggy person. I'm working on it tho. I've tried getting her nails done, getting fun soaps for the shower, but she just doesn't keep up. I guess counseling would be best, she's asked us a couple of times if she could go and we ignorantly told her she didn't need it. ( I know, stupid on our part). Thank you so much again for the reply, it really did help me and I will talk to her Dad tonight about getting her some counseling. Thank you!!!!

Thank you TCW, I will read those articles. She actually has improved since she's been living with us, she never used to smile. She is craving/needing love and attention. Like I replied to Deb, I'm not a huggy person. I could probably use some therapy as well. She reaches out to me and I have a hard time getting close to her....I am working on it. She deserves all the love in the world and unfortunately, her Dad works 6 days a week, almost 12 hours a day so she's stuck with me. Maybe we both could use some counseling together. I'm constantly on her about her chores and picking up (I get that from my mother!) and she leaves me sweet notes. I need to be more understanding. I guess it's been hard for me to get close when she lies, she hadn't brushed her teeth for a week! She never wipes after urinating (I've talked to her about this many times) and the other numerous hygiene issues. My brother told me it's harder to love the unlovable, but they need it more. Anyway, thank you so much for your post, I will read the articles and keep you updated. :)

"Tag you're it" :) you're not kidding.....We live in Colorado. Thank you again :)

Hope to hear your good news for this situation. I can just share a common sense.

hi,i wish you good luck with that.she has suffered abuse and trauma and retreated within herself.with time she ll come forward,and this the important thing that within a new environment she finds herself in right now she has to shine through by herself when she sees she is safe.if she gets too much attention she ll take advantage by staying retreated.she ll have to overcome her trauma by herself as you ll give her the possibility.a smile is already awesome.im telling this as a claivoyanyt.she ll be alright with you.

Since you are more acclimated towards animals I can offer you these tools for a greater insight to what she is experiencing.

Think of a pet you loved, perhaps had for a long time, was your best friend and support system. Remember the day you lost that friend? That singular moment in time where you were so crushed you could barely breath. This little girl is effectively living that one moment repeatedly and is unable to move forward without support, love, and guidance.

Many who do not understand or cannot associate with abused people term them as "unlovable." To have a better understanding of that sensation I now want you to think about the emptiness you felt inside after you lost your beloved pet. Most go through a period where they swear they will never get another pet for fear of reliving the pain. That is the fear this little girl lingers in. She thinks if she appears unlovable then surely she will not get hurt for she does not allow anyone in. She effectively makes herself go numb and stays there - not out of choice but out of necessity.

The circumstances she faced were in no way her fault. She believes that they were. She believes she is a terrible person. She believes she doesn't matter. This is how abusers shatter self-esteem. These were acts thrust unto her and as a child she does not have the ability to control her own fate.

Family counseling is a great idea but she really needs to have her own space and her own person to talk to. Listen closely to her, if she does not like the counselor change it immediately, no questions asked. She needs to know that she has control over how she heals and that she has your support. When you empower her, she will take her first baby steps.

::Big Huge Hugs:: for this little girl. May she find a path that allows her to see the positive from all of the negative. She's brave. She is worthy of love. She is a smart warrior, for she seeks help when she knows she needs it.

I hope these tools prove helpful to you. I understand it is tough to be tossed into motherhood. I keep your family close in my thoughts.