BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Turning 40 this year...

From time to time over the years I've wondered if my husband and I were making the right decision to remain child-free; truthfully it's been more like fence-sitting than an outright decision... but anyway, as I am fast approaching a milestone birthday, I know it is time to make a decision and choose a side (if it isn't too late already anyhow). Who else went thru this around 40, and how did you handle it?

I was never a fence-sitter and knew I never wanted kids. I was, however, open to suggestions and compromise as I got older and closer to marriage.

I was an older bride (38) and have been married now for about 2 years. Last year at age 39, I had a tubal ligation because my DH did not want to get a vasectomy. I guess he thought that since he declined, it would change my mind because a "TL" procedure on a woman is way more invasive. It did not discourage me one bit, I had it done and he had to deal with it. My DH was also not willing to change his work habits. He works 2 jobs 7 days a week putting in around 65 hrs. I would be married on papaer but living the life of a single mom..NOT!!! DH wanted his cake and eat it to and that wasn't going to happen. Even though we are married, we are (and always will be) individuals.

I turned 40 four months ago and have no regrets because I still, at this age, have options. Even with being permanently sterilized, adoption is always an option. If you are interested in a less permanent responsibility, becoming a foster family or being invloved in a non-profit for kids is another option.

Good Luck!

I can't speak for being 40 (I'm almost 32), but my husband and I have started trying to conceive after 10 yrs of marriage, thinking all this time that we would never want kids. I don't know how to describe it, but I always had unresolved feelings about having kids since I was just a toddler -- I just never had a comfortable feeling about the whole concept of being pregnant, giving birth, and giving up so much of ME to raise a family. But a few months ago, I suddenly woke up one day and it seems that things fell into place for me -- the idea of having a baby just "felt right" for me, and all those inhibitions seemed to go away. Now I feel like there would be some "emptiness" in me without kids.

This is a really tough one. You and your husband have to ask yourselves if you want to take that leap of faith on parenthood, given you are still fence-sitting, as well as consider how life will be raising a child into your 50s, which is a reality that I also must anticipate. You have to ask yourself "Will I continue to carry feelings that I'm missing this part of my life?" That is where I'm at -- I think I will hurt so much going into old age without children of my own.

I hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to make a decision that works best for both of you. Good luck!

I wanted kids but turned out to be infertile. Then later divorced. After a failed attempt at adoption, I have learned to love my life. I turned 40 in 2011, and I celebrated that birthday like no other. Childless is not less. Even though I wanted children, I am so grateful for the life I have now. I love being 40, and I love being who I am. I'm not consumed into a role which probably wouldn't work for me. And I've learned to embrace what life has given me. It's not what I planned, but it's what I needed.

Lots of women have kids after 40, but I often wonder why they do so. I don't think I would have continued trying even if the marriage had continued. I think it's a whole lot easier when you're younger, but that's just my opinion.

It's between you and your husband, really. If you think having a child at this age is convenient (and possible) for you both as well as the child, then go ahead. But you have to think you won't be around much in your child's life. Suppose say, your child is 10 when you are 53 and your husband even older.
And if you decide to not have a child, then you two have found happiness in each other for all these years. So it shall continue later too.
Just giving you some pros and cons of this situation.

I too was a bit of a fence sitter, but constantly reviewed my decision on having kids. I asked male and female friends, with and without kids what their opinion was.
One that stuck in my mind was a male friend who had 3 yr old twins, and he said although he loved his kids he would have preferred to be without. All my female friends said you must want them 110 %.
I turn 46 this month, but hitting 40 was really depressing. Not really because of the child issue, just I felt my youth was passing me by, and I was entering into 'middle age ' Ugghhh !

However I know the decision not to have kids was right for me, on many levels, not least because I love my life, and know having a child would make me feel trapped.

BUT it doesn't stop me wishing I could have another lifetime to try different things ( new exciting careers, and having a few kids !!! )

I know I feel comfortable with my decision, because like every choice it isn't always the perfection you imagine.
An article I read just yesterday spoke about 1 in every 50 children born have a birth defect, and 3 women spoke of their experiences.
I always look at the negative comments to know that although I think there would be wonderful times with kids I don't want them enough to cope with the negatives.

One of the comments from a guy who had a 30 yr old disabled son to a woman who found out her child had downs ( and later autism ) said leave it at the hospital, it will ruin your life.

As the replies say above, it is between you and hubby, and no matter what you age, if you REALLY want kids, then you will cherish that experience.
That's the trouble with choice, sometimes being forced into a decision can result in a good thing. But maybe not.

Listen to your heart, talk about the whole scenario with your husband - including the negatives of having a child with a defect - and if the answer is still Yes ! then go for it.

That's the good thing about others opinion - it's not to impress on you, but often just discussing the issues confirms in your mind what you really want.
Good luck either way - I commiserate, though, being a fence sitter sucks, how much simpler to say with certainty one way or the other.
Hugs.

It must be tough to be a fence sitter on this issue. There really is no "in-between" and one can't exactly return their children. Although, that being said, people murdering there own children seems to be a headline more and more often, which I find very disturbing. As far as physically having a child at 40, I took a child psych class last year, and our professor went on for two classes about the risks to both mother and child of having a child past 35 let alone 40; many of the risks seem to be chromosomal abnormalities. For example the risk of downs with a maternal age of 40 is roughly 1 in 100 and the chance of other chromosomal disorder 1 in 70. When you compare this to the same risks with a maternal age of 30, the risks of the above issues are around 1 in 1000 and 1 in 400, respectively. It's unreal! The truth is anyone having a child at any age, there is no guarantee of health or normalcy especially with teratogens, etc. Adoption is an option, too, if you decided that you wanted a child. I am not forty , but we have several couple friends that are well over 40, never have kids and are very fulfilled. They somehow seem more connected as partners then couples we know with kids at least from the outside, they definitely have plenty of the following things...time for each other, travel, hobbies, and money. My husband and I have opted for permanent sterilization,just as I am aware I don't want to clean houses for a living ( no offense to anyone that does!), i know that I don't want to spend my days ( and nights and weekends) as a mom.

I can definitely relate; I'm turning 40 later this year and last fall I knew I needed to finally make a choice regarding having kids before it was made for me by inaction. How I made the decision: my husband and I talked about it A LOT. We discussed how it would impact our daily lives,etc. And I think like everyone else here has said that it's really something that only you and your partner can decide. However as for how I decided, it came down to me (my husband said he ranged from a "no" to being OK with having kids so I would be the one with the final say). That really got me thinking and I searched online for reasons to/and not to have kids and found this site with great articles addressing childfree issues. But in the end it was actually a quote(I think I read it somewhere on this site, maybe not?) from "Sex in the City" that resolved my dilemma. Carrie saying "I wanted to be a writer so I became a writer, don't you think if I'd wanted children, I would have had them by now?" I make my living as an artist, I knew at 5yrs old that's what I wanted to be. It's not an easy path to take since it's typically a profession where you have to build your income starting from $0. But I did it with help from family and friends, and worked super hard to get my MFA, worked even harder after that to become self sufficiant income-wise so I could get married (been together 19yrs., married for 10yrs of that). So this quote opened my eyes to the fact that if children were something I really desired, you bet I would have found a way to have made that happen by now. It wouldn't have mattered if I didn't own a home, felt settled or felt like I needed to be able to afford it first. (I'm really happy that we've achieved all those goals) Those were also just excuses for me to put off the hard realization that having a family in theory sounded good but the reality of it wasn't something I really wanted. My husband and I both enjoy being around kids (along with selling my own artwork, I teach art to kids 5+ and I LOVE it!)but we also enjoy that at the end of the day we can send them home to their parents and we can have peace and quiet again ;) I knew this was the right decision for us 1. because after coming to this conclusion I felt nothing but relief, joy and like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders (I really enjoy my life just as it is!) and 2. my husband was just as happy and relieved as me when I told him what I'd figured out. Wishing you all the best with your choice which ever way is best for you! :)

I turned 40 in August 2011 and it was great. I am looking forward to being older and older so that people stop freaking asking me about having kids. We got married late (me 37, him 40) and although I love him, he is not someone I want to have kids with. I didn't know that going in, I know it now and am TRULY grateful pregnancies did not happen.

I spent ages 37-39 really mulling over if I wanted kids. There were some days I really, really did but found those days often were at a certain point in my cycle so I consider that hormone-related insanity. On normal days, I'm relieved that I don't have kids. I am the breadwinner and hubs is often sick or injured and does not work. So, really I just don't think it would be a good scene. I think it's likely I would just pack up and leave. I for sure don't want to do that!

Many of my friends who are moms confide in me that motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be and a few have even confessed they wish they did not have kids. They feel they were duped and not even given a choice. Got married, got preggers, became "Mom". Some feel their education has been wasted. Can't say that's not true... You don't need a degree to change diapers and wipe snotty noses, right?

The only time I feel remotely bad is the holidays. I have to admit that on Christmas morning, it is a bit of a bummer to not have kids around to enjoy. But I plan to volunteer at some point to help other peoples' kids have a good Christmas. :-)

I'm 44 and I don't regret not having kids. I never had the desire. If you want kids you will know, and years before you reach 40.

At 40 yrs old you are taking all kinds of chances if you try to get pregnant. You can get lucky and have a healthy baby, but like it has been said here, all kinds of chromosomal abnormalities can happen. After age 35 the risks go up more with each year.

My doctor years ago was very wise....she said to have your kids in your 20's if you are going to have them at all. You have the most energy for it and the best health. That does not work out for a lot of people, obviously, but it does make sense.