BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Living after he left . . .

I have been involved in a relationship for a year. I was with my husband for 10 years and he abused me phsically and mentally. I've had help with these issues but i'm left with a serious problem. I can't believe my boyfriend is faithful. He says the way i think is irrational, that he has done nothing wrong and that i constently jump to irrational conclusions when i'm not with him. I'll use today as an example. He's been on a course, he says for safeguarding children. It started at 11 and seems to have finished just as his lunch break usually would. I don't seem to be able to believe thats where he was. He recently had an extra phone at work, he said it was to listen to the radio, but again, i don't seem able to believe this. so he brought it home. He promises me he would never do anything to cheat on me. my ex husband however had numerous affairs and told me the same. He lied, he cheated, he convinced me it was in my head, he hit me for questioning him and then said i'd made him lose his temper. My new boyfriend loses his temper, he says its because when were aren't together we can't go a week without me accusing him of cheating. I've been through his phone and am positive he's removed the sim card at some point. He lied to me about a girl texting him early in the relationship, well not lied just neglected to tell me but i found out.~He says nothing happened , she was told he was in a relationship, end of. He says he didn't tell me because he knew how i am and he knew i'd panic. He rejects me at times and then says it's because he can't relax because i'm always accusing and he's always nervous of what i'll say next. He's supposed to move in with me soon, but until these fears either leave me or i have reason to doubt him, i don't know what to do. I know that i'm a mess since my husband and i know that his constant betrayel has left me with so many scars it's unbelieveable. i was alone for a long time and now i have finally met someone i love these fears are dreadful. I have nightmares, i can't sleep and i'm constantly questioning my boyfriends behaviour. He swears he always has and always will be faithful, but after the husband they seem hollow words. He doesn't understand why it's the cheating i fear most not a repeat of the abuse, he doesn't realise that the cheating came first and thats what i see as the trigger for everything else. I have found nothing to prove he is cheating, yet i see signs everywhere, the bed in his room moves an inch from last time i was there, cheat. He had condoms in a drawer he swears we're ours before i used contraception, cheat. He gets a text my hearts in my mouth, he goes online i secretly cry because i'm scared its only a matter of time before it starts. I can't cope and i need advice. I've had councelling but this issue is still here and its strong. I'm so afraid. He does anything i can't fully reason out and i think he's cheating. I'm even suspicious he didn't have christmas lunch with his family because i found the tshirt he was wearing screwed up at the bottom of the bed under his duvet. Fear rules me. I need help to make it stop and i need help to trust him, yet i don't. All i see is cheating, and all i do is look for proof. Does anyone else have any experiences of a similar nature or has advice for me??? I feel like it's hopeless and he says he loves me but i need to start finding a way to help myself because he's scared it will be the death of us.

Nix,
I am pretty sure we all have been through this feeling in some form or another. I have been you lived that fear till it consumed my every waking moment. I was always nauseous, nervous could not focus on life or my partner. all i saw was the possibility of flaws that occurred that day. It killed me more then him. The crying the fear was like living in a nightmare every freaking minute of my life. It started to distance my partner the fighting got worse. Now he may have always been aggressive or i provoked it with MY insecurities. It has been years since that relationship. But i will say this it was the hardest thing to let go about myself and let me explain why and what worked for me. No matter what you do how sexy you may be how sweet kind or caring if a man is going to cheat there is just no stopping it. To blame yourself or allow them to convince you it was your fault is a deeper problem with them then you need to even worry your little head over. Second the court systems in our country have a saying innocent until proven guilty. Right. Kind of live by that. You digging for a flaw is only hurting a potentially good healing process for you im not saying close your eyes completely it is always a good idea to be aware of your surroundings. Give yourself and him a break. Would you go around accusing every girl of being a bad mother because your mother was bad to you. Don�t think so but im sure you would have a hard time with women. I only say this because not every person is the same and the luggage carried during your last relationship is not fair for anyone to carry not even yourself. Learn to trust yourself. Its ok to be happy to feel safe and be loved. This is the one thing i had a hard time doing and telling myself im not damaged goods im a beautiful happy person and if someone likes that they will except my rainy days, Don�t let this past relationship set the foundation of your whole life. He already took so much from you why allow him another second of your precious life. If, this guy turns out to fail your needs or let you down. Um oh well move on live and learn, if you were strong enough to get through what your ex put you through this will be a cold walk in the park. Ya know? Remind yourself what happened and be more couscous but not to the point it handicaps you. Allow this person into your life if you feel you are truly ready, give yourself the chance to get to know this guy before you go assuming the worst. I would wait a little longer for him to move. Personal suggestion I think you only want to do it to keep tabs on him. But if you keep this up he will feel he is walking on egg shells and never open up to you about anything and everything will be something he will feel he needs to hide to prevent an unnecessary argument. He may not be doing anything wrong but yet be afraid to approach something that may cause you to not trust him. And the main point is to give you a little break from your mental terrorism. Have faith that not all things in your life are the same. This is where change is good. And needed. Love yourself and let someone love you.
good luck girl. im here if you need a vent

Thank you, its the if hes gonna cheat he will, you get to a stage where you'd rather be alone than ever go through that again. The things my ex did were beyond normal i know that. I just struggle with what he left me with. The last time he was violent he left me unconcious, and went to bed, i know you have to be something made of evil to be that. New guy is lovely and i'm sure he wouldn'tput up with me if i wasn't what he wanted. The ex just had to have every woman, control, have them chase him, power, both warped. I wish i'd never met him, he screwed me in a way that has left me broken at points. No man would put up with what he does for a cheap lay, this i know. He's keener to move in than me, its not about keeping tabs, i know in my heart he loves me and he wouldn't hurt me, he's listened to so much of my pain, he'd have to be evil too, and he's too lovely for that. I'm pregnant, this is not helping, its unexpected and the thought of family life is now will he hit me, will he cheat, will he do the other things my ex did. It's not fair for my head to keep undermining my heart. Thank you for the reply, its nice to know i'm not the only one, some days i've ended things just to feelfree of the fear, he never lets me go, he knows why i do it. Even now i'm defending him incase anyone thinks badly of him !?! I wish you could lock your past in a box, mark it do not open and leave it there, life would make a lot more sense eh??? Thanks for the kind words and the much needed support, strange that just one person saying yeah i know that feeling, makes you feel sane again. Much love to you xxxx

Nix,
Two of my exs jaded me to point of no return, i do understand that. The constant defending of the partner we must love and respect. Just because your ex was a great manipulate did not make him better at life and protecting himself then you. It made him weak and powerless this is why he hounded after his pray like a starving wolf to cover up his own shame and misery. We all live with a demand inside its our choice to control that beast or let him rear his ugly head. Why would you want to lock your past away embrace that feeling of powerlessness you had let it grow inside you with love this time. Take that feeling of shame quilt and sadness and turn it into this new born innocent child and give yourself a pat on the back. You are powerful strong and not even that devil of a man could break your soul, He may have weakened parts of you but he no longer has you captive. YOU WON! And he will live in his hell all alone. How�s that for revenge. No matter what this man may have taken from you or put you through it has not killed you or rendered you worthless. Protect yourself in the future and welcome change. You have already used your words to give you peace. If anything that�s a big step to finding your own power in this hard situation, I send you two legs to stand on. XOXOX