BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child Free; Nature, Nurture or both?

Even though I did have the experience of babysitting as a teenager I really don't think that is where I got my aversion to raising children from, even though it was evident how hard the job is.

I had a lot of other things going on when I was young, namely living with a paranoid schizophrenic father. There was a lot of chaos in the house, namely him yelling and otherwise making noise. He also physically and mentally abused my mother. I was always afraid and my stomach was a mess. I popped antacids like they were candy. For a time he wound up in a mental institution, and as a senior in high school I would go visit him every night even on school days, driving a half hour one way with my younger sister accompanying me, bringing my father his cigarettes, hard candy, change for the vending machines, and whatever else he needed or wanted to make his life more bearable there. I became a parent figure while I was a teenager, and I think I just became burned out.

In my twenties when I finally started to understand myself better, I took a serious look around me at mothers and kids in the stores and elsewhere. I realized there was no way I could deal with the noise and stress, and the mothers often looked haggard and tired. I already felt that way without the kids!!! That is when I really analyzed for myself what bringing up children would entail, from pregnancy to getting them to adulthood. And I knew even then that parenting does not stop once the kids turn 18. You are a parent for life.

I felt often that my own childhood was sacrificed in many ways so my internal being just wanted to live life on my own terms and do for myself for a change, not take care of another person. I made the decision to be child free, because life to me is hard enough without adding another huge responsibility like having a baby. I always crave peace and quiet thanks to having a troubled childhood.

I do not want to be alone because I do prefer the company of a loving partner, but if I had to be without a significant other I know I would be fine. I have come to the point in my life now where after two marriages and a serious boyfriend, I wouldn't mind taking a break and just living alone with my pets. My pets seem to fill any maternal or caretaking need I have. It is enough, and I can leave my pets and go somewhere else if I need to, where as you can't leave a baby or young child alone for anything.

Wow, Cassie, it sounds like you've come out on the better side of a pretty awful childhood. your strength obviously comes from many bad experiences, well done for that.
I feel the same way as you, re the child thing, in that I didn't just look at the adorable baby stage. I love babies ( warm, cuddly and they don't answer back ) but a child IS for the long term, with all it's trying 'stages'.

I used to think I didn't want them for financial reasons. My parents always stressed we needed to find jobs to look after ourselves - ie we couldn't rely on them for financial support.
Pocket money stopped when I got my first evening job at 13, and it was always on my mind how I would support myself when I left home at 18.

I lived at various times back home - there was always a bed if I needed it, they were loving - just an emphasis to stand on your own two feet, and an early awareness that I was the master of my own destiny.

But mostly since reading others points of view on this site, I really believe that although money is an important factor in having a child, if the NEED is there, then the financial issue wouldn't have stopped me.

Maybe the fact that human life is now prolific, it's having an effect on our psyche, and a large proportion are now choosing not to reproduce.
I don't think my mother was particularly nurturing , and she always said her mother had no time for her. Neither my sister nor I have kids - through choice - so now society is more relaxed about it.

Ok, more relaxed than say 50 years ago, and just think before then, if you were an unmarried woman of 28 you were considered a spinster, then we've come a long way, and maybe it's all really tied up with the emancipation of women ?

After I got married I went through a year of wanting a child, but I really think it was just peer pressure that made me want to conform. After thinking long and hard about it I made the choice not to have kids. It wasn't an easy choice. there are times I think it would be great to have a bond with a child of my own, but looking at the whole picture, I chose not.

I really don't think I would have had a choice in the past. peer pressure would have been too much to bear, and I would not have been financially secure in my own career to have the freedom of choice on the matter.

This would definitely make an interesting sociology study! Are you including some type of age cut off? For example, a 32 year old CF woman could, potentially, still have children so would she count? I think it's great that you're planning this.

Hi everyone, it's just Sam B. My name is different now because I got a new computer for Christmas since my old one bit the dust and my account with Bellaonline somehow got locked and I was unable to get back in. So I just made a new account after a couple weeks of trying (and subsequently failing) to get online. I too think that CF Nature v.s. Nurture is a really interesting subject matter. I've often asked myself why I don't want kids (just as a matter of being a curious human being) For me, I'd have to say it was a little of both. I was brought up in a religion that pushed it on me, though all the time my heart and mind were telling me that it was and still is the wrong choice for me. Many of you have heard this story before, but growing up I was raised by a very religious father and a mother who believed but did not attend services. The church community where I come from smothers young girls and boys with ideals about what a family is (the family, though they try to say your family is in the church, is really only a mom, dad and children. Any other family is not correct) and what our roles as women and men are in the family almost from the moment we are born. The "Church of Christ" (is what they call themselves as a group), likes to make certain that women know that they are to be mothers and homemakers who submit to men without question. My mother came out of a physically and mentally abusive relationship with the man before my father and she always made sure to teach us to be independent and self-reliant. (She had three girls, including myself.) Her ideals are pretty much the total opposite of what the church was trying to make me believe. I always took my mother's words to heart and it made it impossible for me to buy into the bullcrap the church was trying to push on me. I was never the type that drooled over babies (personally, I think most women and men go all mental over babies like that just because they feel obligated to like them.) I had no interest in holding them or playing with them. I never thought they were as cute as people said they were. As I got older, and my older sister had kids, I really came to realize just how much I didn't like them. And even more so, how I didn't want to spend every waking (or sleeping) moment of my life around them, ruin my body, have no friends my own age and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 or more years. To tell you the truth, I'd much rather save a life (adopting a pet or fostering for the Humane Societies) than create another life to make conditions on Earth worse.

Oddly enough, I've made the connection between being Childfree and being G/L/B/T as well. Both groups have to deal with the fact that people are always going to assume the opposite about them. GLBT who are in the closet have to deflect well-intentioned friends and family trying to set them up on dates with people they'll never be interested in. The Childfree have to fend off overbearing in-laws who have no idea what it means to not want children. In both cases, something that is an essential part of their nature suddenly becomes something they need to constantly explain and defend. I suppose that's true for anyone who doesn't fall into the majority for any major life issue. It's a shame (and freaking exhausting!), but until people stop making assumptions and take the time to really get to know people, I think that's how it's going to be for a while. [url=http://www.maybebabymaybenot.com]Maybe Baby, Maybe NOT![/url]

I'm done explaining it all to people. I'm just telling them at this point that if they don't agree with me or my choices, they need to just leave well enough alone. I'm telling them exactly what's on my mind. "Dear rude people, when I say 'I'm not having kids,' that's exactly what I mean. It DOESN'T mean I'm giving anyone a cue to tell me all the reasons why I'm wrong. I'm not remaining child-free to spite other people, it's a choice I've made because it makes me happy. And finally, it's no one else's business what I do." I'm getting a child-free tee-shirt soon and am going to start following that up with: "So please direct your stupid, ignorant concerns at my back, because my mouth is unconcerned with responding to you." I'm sick of feeling like there's some reason why I should have to justify my decisions to anyone else. If I'm happy with them, that's the only thing that matters:)

I mean what the frig just because you're a woman means you have to have kids... that is your only function in life !!!

Geeze !!!

Google famous child-free people ... you'd be surprised !!

I come from a Catholic background and many have decided to have 12 kids !

The older sisters become ' spinsters ' and are laughed at.

Why do you think ?

Because they were busy raising the younger ones and could not have any type of other life !!!