BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Story of my life.

I have found that getting out and staying out are two completely different things. He called me two weeks ago because he found out I had had lunch with his brother, and asked if we were sleeping together. I, of course, so no. He immediately jumped into begging for me to come back and telling me he loves me and needs me and we belong together. I told him I couldn't come back because I couldn't be with the man he "becomes". For the next twenty minutes (on his walk home) he apologized for the way he treated me and said that I deserved so much better. He said that he knows he promised that I could die first so I didn't have to be in pain, but that he couldn't keep that promise anymore. At that point, I texted his brother frantically telling him to get to his house. He kept talking, saying that he needed me to tell his mother he was sorry, and he now understood why people take their own lives. When he finally got home he said that someone had taken his gun so he began searching for a knife. I was crying and begging him not to do anything. I told him I was RIGHT here and I love him and he's not allowed to do this. (And now I began to text his brother, who had yet to answer me, to call the cops and the ambulance) He then made THE single most horrible noise I have ever heard in my life and said that it hurt more than he thought it would, he loves me, and then he hung up. I called his brother and got no answer. so I just began to call him over and over and over again until he picked up, saying that he was bleeding everywhere and was getting dizzy. Then he said goodbye and turned his phone off. Ten minutes later I received a text saying that I was no help to him and I was the one who left him, he didn't leave me. He said to enjoy the rest of my life and that he will always love me. "I promise that much". For the next hour I was on the floor sobbing so hard until I couldn't breathe. Next to me lay every pill I have (and I am not the healthiest person so that amounts to a lot of pills) and a bottle of tequila. I was just waiting for the call to tell me he was gone, and then I was gone with him. I didn't care anymore. Being on this earth when hes not does not make sense to me, even after all the things he has put me through. His brother did eventually call me to tell me that they took him to the hospital and he was admitted... and that there was not a single mark on him. I don't know what to do here. I don't know why I bother with life anymore. I changed my number the day he got out of the psych ward because I didn't know what I'd do if he called. I saw him a week later, and it took everything I have inside of me not to pull the car over. He emailed me a few days after that and asked if I was done with him or not. I haven't written back. I don't know what to say to him. Part of me (wants to) hate him for putting me through that. The other part wants to just run back to him because I know in that moment, I will feel okay again. I won't feel like this. Honestly, I just don't want to feel a damn thing anymore.

It is obvious that your boyfriend is very mentally ill and needs therapy. Until he gets what he needs to mend himself, which can take several months, if not years, there is nothing positive he can do for you. And knowing how badly you feel inside right now, you know I am right. He is an abuser, and he has abused you in many ways. Nobody deserves to be treated that way by any human being.

You need to put yourself first now, and get yourself some help as soon as possible. A recommendation from your primary doctor or even social services in your community can get you in contact with a professional who can help you to deal with all of these emotions and negative feelings. You have to love yourself and realize that you are a beautiful person, with or without a man in your life. You have a lot to offer and your life has value. Please take care of yourself and seek help. You will feel so much better when all of this is in proper perspective.

As for your boyfriend, it is time to let him go. He will bring you down with him, and it is already obvious that he doesn't care about doing it, judging by the way he tricked you into thinking that he killed himself. That was a very cruel and mentally twisted action for him to take. Spending any more time with him will only bring on more pain for you.......physical, mental, and emotional. It is time that you stand up for yourself, and refuse to be treated badly anymore.

It was a good idea to change your phone number. I would change your email as well and cut off all communication. Now is the time to focus on yourself. You deserve so much better. Move on with the help of your family, friends, and also a therapist. And please be sure to seek that professional help.

You are that important, and you should fight for your own quality of life now. I wish you all the best.

Have you asked yourself, why you went to have lunch with a close family member of his?

You're dead-on about, 'getting out vs. staying out.' It's a lot, literally, like an addiction.

You know going in, point blank, it's bad for you, but go ahead and do it anyway. It's even worse when they aren't that way up front - they "gift you with finding out after you've invested years of your life with them so you tell yourself, you almost have it right...you just have to be MORE understanding.

But this addiction walks and talks. You can actually get more information from than from a chemical fix.

If you can take yourself to an aerial view, this fix, isn't about love, it's just disquised as love. So where a chemical fix uses the body to succumb, abuse is a fix that uses the very best part of you, your Soul and feeds off of it. It's a living breathing entity that's all about them.

I know none of this makes the situation feel any better. I've been through it. However, some people are comfortable exchanging their lives for their addiction. That's the tough part!

When that's the case, me personally, I feel o.k. I understand this...I can "feel" the inside of a choice of this nature and in my view it isn't up to the outside world to tell a person any differently. It's what they want...deep down...they don't really want to change it, just share what the downsides of this choice's hardships are.

I have similar discussions to this day with people who find alchohol repulsive! Their view, it's just wrong. It hurts the body, is a waste of money, wastes your life away. My view, it's enjoyable. There are pros and cons but in the end, my choice is I like cooking, drinking, making different types of drinks, sangrias and such - so, my body, my choice.

Abusive relationships are similar. Theirs is a choice that makes them feel good on a level, nothing else does, for whatever reason. Sometimes it's just that it feels so good to have a deffinate somewhere, in a crazy world that feels so cold and lonely. It's better to wait for someone you know will pine for you after you pay a toll of some kind, waiting for the "Honeymoon" faze than waiting for the hopes of someone that appreciates you without the abuse.

Oddly, many women in these situations I've found aren't attracted to a man that treats them respectfully, courteously, is intersted and does what they say they will do, up front. It's suffocating (their description) they can't put a finger on it, but it's unattractive to them.

They need the challenge of having to work for something, give of themselves utterly and completely to gain the tiniest amount of gratification.

With an abusive person, male or female, it's an unachievable goal, thus the trill, the divine tragedy of it all, is an infinite unobtainable a euphoria they can creat over and again.

What it takes to break a cycle like this is usually knowing this about yourself and only allowing yourself to go out with the exact opposite of what you're attracted to.

After about 3 or 4 years of working through being repulsed by that very decision, something's been happening behind the sceens and a person comes along that's both respectful and challenging and it feels like a miracle has happened and it has

That Girl: I will keep it brief. Cut the cord with this guy. Completely and utterly. It will be hard, but literally, NO CONTACT. The same goes for his family members/friends and avoid any routes that might force you to bump into him. Seek your own counceling to get you through this. Please, please just move forward and dont allow this man to control you anymore. Good luck.

I agree and know from dealing w/it myself, it's easier said than done. Sometimes it helps to have a short phrase, like a mantra to repeat when you're feeling weaker, yearning for someone or something that isn't good for you.

Look yourself in the mirror and with love tell the person you're looking at,

"You deserve better. Know what he's telling you is an untruth."