BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dilemma

SIGH, where to start. I am childfree. My husband of almost 4 years has a daughter aged 25 (he's been divorced since she's 8). She's got a daughter out of wedlock who will be 3 very soon. The baby daddy is nowhere to be found. Husband's daughter's life is A MESS, to put it mildly. She is a friend of mine and my husbands' on FaceBook and she posts nothing but drama and nonsense, illustrating her daily struggles and difficulties of being a single mom. She is always calling us for money, and calling other various members of the family asking for money. She lives 1,800 miles away and is on welfare. She never talks to my husband except when she needs money (we never send her any). Since her appearance on FaceBook and the subsequent subjection to her daily nonsense, I've noticed that my husband has increasingly become "less nice" with me. Nit-picking a lot, becoming more and more intolerant of our pets, snapping at me, and getting angry and upset very easily over little things. 2 weeks ago we had a discussion and he said he "feels controlled" by me. I am not a controlling person, I don't want to be "in charge" in the relationship, but I don't want to be walked on, either. My guess is that he sees what a mess his daughter's life is, he's got no control over it. The frustration is through the roof. And then there is the guilt. He has no way of changing her life, so he is lashing out. This young woman is a constant presence in the back of his mind, either by calls for money or FB nonsense. Does anybody have any advice? Thoughts? I'm at a loss, I'm disgusted beyond belief over this whole thing. I'm paying the price for somebody else, as usual. I don't know what to do about it.

That's quite the situation and honestly I have never been in one like it. But my first reaction when something seems to be bothering David is to talk to him about it. As for the girl who's posting on Facebook all the time about how difficult it is to be a single mother, well it cant be that difficult if she constantly has time to get online and talk about it.

I sympathize with how you feel there because my older sister is the same way. She is always on facebook talking about the tribulations of motherhood. It doesn't seem to me like she has no time or is stressed if she has enough energy to get on facebook and write about it 10 or 20 times every day. It's part of the reason I have little sympathy for her. She had the kids to get the welfare money they rake in for her and she hardly spends any time with them anyhow.

But with the hubby, I'd suggest just talking things over with him. It's probably scary to think about, because kids are always a deal-breaker. Personally, I don't think marriage has anything to do with children. I think marriage is supposed to come from two people loving one another enough that they want to share a life together.

I agree Sam. Personally I don't think marriage has anything to do with children either. One does not preclude the other.

Wouldn't it be nice if MEN considered marriage to be a bond between two people who want to share a life together.... That is paramount and the only reason you get married, because the person you are with is the one you want to grow old with no matter what. Too often love and commitment get tossed out the window when a man's selfish needs are not being met. The woman is expected to change her ways to accomodate him and make him happy, otherwise he is gone. Yet he married her because supposedly he loved her for the person she is, kids or no kids.

Go figure.....

To Cassie- Exactly, if a man wants to marry, it really should be because he wants to be with his partner and loves her enough to do so for the length of his life. I have always believed it's wrong to marry someone just because you will gain something from them like wealth, fame or material objects. This is true of the men and women who only want marriage so they can have someone to give them children. It's completely morally bankrupt to do such a thing and is really disheartening to me. What your ex-husband said to you "if we didn't have the animals, we could have had kids",-terrible and I'm sorry for what you went through with him. I'm really glad to see in your recent posts that you've been doing well:)

To ChrissySnow- The other point I really wanted to make is that it sounds like your husband is going through some kind of phase of regret. He sees what is happening to his realitve (the girl you were mentioning) and it makes him feel guilty because he can't help, so he lashes out at you like you said. But I think he might be feeling a small need to have children, just to have something in his life he feels he has control over. At the same time, he doesn't want to talk to you about it because he knows you don't want any kids so he feels he's being controlled by you. That's where I was coming from in my first post where I was talking about marriage not having anything to do with kids, just in case I was being confusing:) I don't know, that's just my reasoning...but the best solution to any problem is usually to talk it out:) good luck!

Thank you Sam. I am with a kind man now who treats me well, but it is not the same as the relationship I once had with my ex-husband. I don't know if my boyfriend and I are cut out to last long-term, where as I felt pretty quickly when I met my husband to be. And we did last.....19 years.

I really do miss the chemistry my ex-husband and I once had and the dynamic of our relationship. I am still trying to heal from all that pain and rejection, but it takes time. Lots of time for me, evidently. It has been almost two years since he told me he wanted a divorce and moved out.

So in a way I am doing better, but in a way I still have so far to go. I think it is because I feel like you in how we perceive the vows of marriage.

Thanks for caring.

A lot of things came to me as I read this.

The strongest initially is that this is a man who simply has a hard time expressing himself. He doesn't just come out and say what's bothering him but seems to have a sensitive nature just as well that the daughter is probably familiar with.

She, on the other hand seems to run by passion and too may be sensitive but just blurts.

You're right. There's frustration where he doesn't know how to fix what's going on with the daughter. At the same time, there are things that irritate him that in his own life he may normally, be able to just accept with the increasing guilt of not being able to "fix" everything, have some steam rising to the surface.

It may not be you so much but just the target closest in proximity to the situation. He may not really want or enjoy how he's dealing with things but displacement through the pets or little things, may be an attempt to keep his sanity or on a level vent and deal with eveything that's going on.

Having kids has about a 1 yr. grace period. Between the first nine months, even months prior to if you're trying to get pregnant, you're not actually dealing with the physical temperment of another Human Being, crying, needing, demanding, and eventually running around, expressing themselves. Plus for a time, you may have the luxury of also having the empathy from others of being a new mother, who are willing to pitch in. So, there's a lot of extra time to dreams, hopes of what you want or think it'll be like.

Then ---> REALITY SETS IN.

I think the dad feels guilty, not giving money to her and the more she goes without, she's expressing to the world how bad it is.

There are other ways you can help though, be there, other than just money. Sure that helps but it isn't always realistic because the needs of children are neverending.

You could get together names and numbers of organizations, resources (like a rolodex) so when she just doesn't have the energy or know where to start looking, she can open up a notebook and there they are

It's something that even the father may feel better being a part of to be able to contribute to.

Handing money over money can tend to go more to emotional gratification moreso that where it's supposed to go. Then you end up being short no matter how much you give them and with good justifications (to them) where it all went. So there isn't really isn't a point where you just go "Whew!"

With resources and a little extra financial help, they are things you can in good heart continue to offer with extra time you might have, a new mother may not, while having some breathing room to yourselves.

It may be a grandchild but it's her child, the mother needs to step up and care for. That often means going without, yourself, as the parent.

Chrissy- I think you are spot on. Your husband feels guilty because, as you said, his daughter's life is a mess and he's frustrated because he knows he can't do anything about it. Add to that how it's put in his face on a daily basis from halfway across the country and he gets grumpy and takes it out on those closest to him. I know a bit of where you're coming from. My husband is occasionally on the receiving end of scathing rants from his son (I won't say his adult son, but he's a few decades too old to behave like a toddler). Thankfully this doesn't happen often, but it does affect my husband's mood for a couple days afterward. It sounds like talking to your husban didn't go over well, but I suggest you adjust your FB settings to reduce the number of these toxic updates you see from his daughter or 'unsubscribe' from her updates altogether (you don't have to unfriend her, which she would see)--and find the right time to suggest to your husband that he do the same. The daughter should be none the wiser, but the two of you won't be subjected to her ridiculousness all the time. (you can search 'unsubscribe' in FB help for more information) P.S. Say hi to Jack and Janet

Two words: Marriage Counseling. Work those problems and feelings out together. A good counseler will easil;y zero in on the daughter issue and will spend time alone working with your hubby once they see what strife it is causing in your marriage. As for the daughter: it sounds like you have a clear picture of her personality. Its not as easy for her father to maybe see what is very clear to you. Again: marriage counseling! Good luck!

Your problem reminds me of the same issue I had when I first got together with my husband. he has a daughter - then 17, who was constantly asking for money. And all the other issues you can imagine.
In the end ( after much heartache and irritation ) I tried to tell him how I felt about his guilt , as that was what it was, and he admitted it in the end .

At one point I wrote two pages better explaining my point, and typical of him he said wow, I didn't know you felt so badly.
this was after months of telling him daily in different ways.

It actually got to breaking point when I said I understood how he must feel, but this is my, and his life together, and if we don't come first in each others life, then there's no future for me in this relationship.
that was 18 years ago. good luck. don't give in. you are just as important as the daughter in his family life. but in a marriage ? you two are the most important and he must realize that.

Hi everybody! THANKS!! so much for all of your input. Saturday morning, we woke up and went downstairs. Started our little morning thing, feeding the critters, getting our coffee, etc., and he sat at the kitchen table and grabbed the laptop. Within minutes, you guessed it, he was on "the page." I immediately brought up the whole deal and we had a big talk about it, I was livid. He admitted that checking the page gets him in a bad mood and he shouldn't do it, but LOL he added "but it's like a trainwreck, you can't just look away, you HAVE to watch!" LOL Which was hilarious, and true, IF he didn't get in such a foul mood over it. The subject came up again last nite because I was quiet, and I am NEVER quiet LOL and I told him I am still extremely concerned and I won't live like that. He knows that he'd get kicked to the curb pretty quickly so let's hope he can stop obsessing over "the page" and just let it go and find his happy place. So, we talked about it and we'll see what happens now. He hasn't been on "the page" since then - at least to my knowledge. I feel like I'm dealing with a stinking girlfriend!! Not a daughter living 1800 miles away!!