BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Warning signs....

I thought I start this topic. Looking back at the history of the abuse...if you can remember what were the warning signs for you that you didn't notice before but you do now?

I'll start: As a 20 year old head over heels in love, I didn't take notice of the behaviour of my parnter Simon. Sure I thought some of the things he said and did was odd. However I put it down to his schizophrena. *Ex-girlfriends: What can I say a few hours after meeting Simon, he mentioned his first girlfriend as "My girlfriend, used to say to me I couldn't sleep with some else unless the relationship was finished. (Wise words I think and he was single when I met him) Then he went on about what his ex-girlfriend did to make him break up with her. He caught her cheating on him with his best friend from college. Even now he clearly hasn't gotten over her. He will bring her up every now and then in this sad tone. To me it's like get the f**k over it, it was 19 years ago since you broke up. Now I should have taken notice when his ex-girlfriend from interstate was mentioned. He was 24 and she was 16. The girl ended up becoming anorexic and he said to me "Her mother accused me of making her anorexic." Then he said "The girl said I was abusive, can you believe that. She ended going with a guy who beat her up every day." In my young niave mind I didn't take notice. Even now when he talks of them it is always the girls fault. He was the prince and he showered them in love and advice. They threw it all back in his face. *His temper: Because of the schizophrenia I thought his temper was down to it. However when he starts its scary. One time he took me out to dinner and early on in the evening I told him "I'm not going to try whatever mundain thing it was" well for the evening he was anxious and crabby. The next thing I knew he stood up and started to rant at me that I was a good for nothing piece of [censored] and how I didn't listen to him and not trying. It got so bad that the apparentice chef came out asking if "the food" was okay. I was mortified and he left. I should have ran the other way but two weeks later he was nice as pie and asked me to go out with him. *Physical: He never really hit me before. Though he started to do strange things to me. One afternoon we were laying together and he placed the palm of his hand over my mouth and nose. I tried pulling his hand off but he held tight telling me to enjoy the sensation. I was half passed out when he removed it. As I have a poor posture, I sometimes slump with my shoulders forward. He started to poke me. First light then it started to get heavy. There is so much to mention here but this is only a few. Looking back now I can see why this handsome 30 year old didn't have a girlfriend.

Wow Sirene

This experience should be a billboard for those moments where you have feelings for a person, have gotten to know them and end up questioning yourself as to whether or not what just happened can be forgiven, yes, but if it was as bad as you thought?

For instance, can you turn the other cheek? Maybe he/she could have someone talk to them and they'd stop or learn from the experience, maybe regret what they did and won't do it again.

Excuses...that would be one of the signs. Like they drank too much or trying to convince you what happened didn't, like you're making too much out of it or (my favorite) "You did it to yourself..."

Another, is the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde duo personalities. The romantic guy you'd like them to be shows up in the very beginning and from there on out, only after they're trying to win you back after they've crossed the line.

I have noticed that like Sirene said, her abuser recalling his ex cheating on him 19 years ago. Abusers remember every bad thing anyone did to them, yet they dont feel responsible for any pain they inflicted on anyone else.

as for warning signs where shoudl i start...hmm... - my ex said he was very good at manipulating people and "choosing" his "words very carefully". He said he could get what he wanted and he learned by watching his father. He said ppl were afraid of his father. - that all his ex's were psycho. if you have that many psycho ex's maybe the problem is not with the women but with you buddy. He told me his ex cleaned him out. Yet he didnt want to press charges against her. Now I'm thinking maybe all that stuff was hers to begin with. - he always wanted to play the victim. His ex was mean to him. His father was mean to him, etc. He loved being the victim. - nothing was ever his fault. - him going thru my stuff. - him telling me not to tell any of my friends about any problems in our relationship yet he'd go running to his mother about anything he thought I did wrong.

Sorry, I realize this post is kind of old, but I think it would be good for me to recognize and admit the warning signs that I had so blatantly ignored. - *EXTREMELY* jealous of any male friends that I had. - Calling me names because I had male friends - The fact that he got arrested for domestic abuse while we were dating - He was the victim in everything, childhood, previous relationships, etc - I "made" him do lose his temper - He didn't like any of my female friends - I was encouraged not to dress up and wear makeup because men would look at me (but on the other hand, I would get yelled at for letting myself go) - Sexually I was pressured constantly to do things I wasn't comfortable with. If/when I finally gave in, it wasn't ever good enough - I wasn't ever "good enough" for him. So, if I start recognizing the patterns and warning signs, maybe next time I wont ignore them.

my ex always compared me to his mother who he held a lot of resentment towards. she treated him badly when he was younger. I didn't find out until after he and i were broke up that when he and i met, he was 23 and i was his first girlfriend and i took his virginity. He and his mom both told me he couldn't find a girlfriend before me that would stick around. Jeez I wonder why?