BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids why I don't have children ...

I don't have children because I have some medical issues that would make it quite difficult to chase a child 24 hrs a day. I don't have children because I worry about how my husband would treat them, considering the way he will promise to feed the dogs and then forget, and they way he will become absorbed into video games so much so that even I have trouble rousting him. I don't have children because my husband has quite the temper, and I would not want to expose a child to that. It's nice to find a place where this kind of reasoning is supported. oh and I forgot to mention that I have no desire to become pregnant. I guess that means that I'll be child-free, since hubby has no desire to raise a child that hasn't come out of my uterus.

Hi Sad1,

this forum here is a great place to be among people who have chosen to be child free. I have found great comfort from this site.

I understand and respect your choice to be childfree, but I just want to ask, are you okay? you said a couple things that made me worry for you.

you said that your husband has quite a temper and you would not want to expose a child to that...do you think you deserve to be exposed to that? abuse, verbal or physical, is never okay.
you said you dont want child because you worry about how your husband would treat them...how does he treat you?

I have made the decision to seek counseling and to encourage him to do the same. I am not willing to go through all the legal rigamarole involved in leaving him unless I am in imminent danger. You may see my post under Domestic Violence for additional information. I, too, have a plenty big attitude. I'm not perfect, so I prefer to try to deal with my problems, rather than discard my current relationship only to repeat things somewhere down the line. I can tell you that I have the Domestic Violence Shelter on speed dial, and have an escape route in place. My fears about the way he would treat a child are specific to children only. A dog, you can put outside where they can do their business, and just give them food and water and it's ok. However, half the time I can't trust him to do that. A child needs much more attention than a dog. I am an adult and can prepare my own food, dress myself according to climate, and entertain myself, whereas a child must be supervised doing all these things. He can play a video game while I get myself ready for work, but I worry that if I left him the task of readying a child for school, that the child would miss the bus or get into something dangerous while left virtually unsupervised. While it's not fair to me that he plays video games to the exclusion of all other activities, it's not something I consider abuse. He doesn't want to be involved in my life, fine ... I just won't feel it necessary to allow him access to my girly bits. A lot of the way he acts is too immature for his age, and he is quite selfish. I told him that I'm not turned on by boys, and as long as he continues to act like one, sex is off the table.

Wow, very sorry you are going through this. Is there any specific reason you wouldn't leave this person (can't call him a man)? It doesn't sound to me like you are receiving any sort of positive benefit from being with him. Since he's locked into this video game thing, send him packing and let him get a studio apt where all he needs is a futon, his gaming gear and a microwave. It doesn't sound like he is paying any bills. You could do all that without much legal stuff at all. But... it's really a personal decision of course. I just encourage you to consider it. Or at least consider some sort of change so that you can feel good about yourself when you are in your own home.

I feel that if I left him now that I would just fall for the same type of guy again. I want to do some counseling and see if I can improve myself. I can't exactly send him packing, but if he left on his own I wouldn't stop him.

If you can't send him packing then you should think about leaving. Perhaps a friend or relative could give you a place to stay until you are on your feet. If this is not possible I would suggest putting aside some money for yourself a bit at a time and start researching where you would like to go when you are ready to leave.

Don't stay and waste your life with such an irresponsible person in a miserable existence. You are worth so much more than that and you deserve better.

sad1, he's the one who needs to improve himself. He's nothing but a pompous jerk and from what you have said, all he knows how to do is spot the faults in everyone but himself. Hopefully he grows up soon and stops acting like some spoiled 15-year-old boy who thinks that if all women don't look like some kind of supermodel that there's something wrong with them.

You really do deserve better. A bad relationship is sometimes like a broken appliance. Sometimes it's better to just toss it aside and find a new one that works than it is to keep on trying to fix the old one over and over. But of course, I can't tell you what to do...I just have a friend who gets into this same kind of situation over and over and I have to recite this speech a lot. It kind of comes naturally to say it. But I just want it to work out for you, because no one deserves to be treated the way he's treating you.

It takes a lot of guts to do this sad1 but like Sam B. said...

Go for it when you are ready and the time is right.

Connie was in a 25-year loveless marriage, and told her ex when the kids were grown she was outta there!

But she was willing to break with her past.

Many times familiar misery feels safer than the unknown.

I've been through it... I know.

The only thing that got us through was spirituality not religion.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Be careful and be aware, and always be ready to split. Take some personal defense courses. If he's got a gun, be extra careful. You never know when your life may depend on it.

Hello, sad1. It breaks my heart to see this post. I know what you're going through to some extent. I used to deal with pain from a herniated disk every day, and I could barely move myself around or pick up 10 lbs (I had surgery 2 yrs ago and recovered now). Does your husband have a lot of impatience that leads him to get angry? My husband is that way at times. What really helps me is to not provoke it further by getting angry myself. For instance, if he gets worked up over something minor, just respond in a smooth, calm manner - bring him back down to earth about it. Works every time. Most people don't have fun arguing by themselves :-). But, if he is abusive and negligent to you, that is a different story. Maybe counseling is the answer. Once in a while, ask him why he married you to begin with if he doesn't love you. Help him remember why you are his wife in the first place.

Oh, and my husband is also absorbed in his "me" time. We're actually about to start trying for our first baby. Everybody tells me that this baby will change him forever, that he will no longer care to linger in the "man cave" anymore ;-). We shall see! I really do hope you and your husband can work out the problems in your relationship. Will be praying for you!