BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Future In-laws and Baby Talk

Well, I am having a fun little on-going issue that I don't see ending anywhere in the near future. That is: Every time I go to visit my fiancee's family, (particularly his mother and sister) they always make it a point to bring up the subject of the new baby that was born (that would be his sister's niece.)

They launch instantly into how old it is now, what problems they're having with it now, what color it's hair is growing in as etc, etc. And when they want to do this as a group I have no problem with it, because I don't mind being excluded from those overly-flowery, ridiculous and annoying conversations. It's just when his mother, sister or anyone else wants to talk directly to me about it that I get pretty annoyed. They all know that I don't want any children and that I don't like babies/infants or talking about them. And add in the facts that A) I BARELY KNOW THE CHILD'S MOTHER, AND HAVE, IN FACT, ONLY MET HER ONCE, and B) I HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN THIS BABY OR ANY PICTURES OF IT, it just seems rude to mention it to me.

Then his mother will sometimes ask about what we plan to do as far as children, though I've already made it crystal clear. Or she'll try to start conversations with me that lead up to that when David has to go help his dad with something in the house (there's some excuse why he does just about every single time) or is just in the restroom.

I've mentioned this a couple times before, but I really wanted to seek some proper advice with the Holidays coming up and all. Since, inevitably, I will have to go have have a sit-down dinner and experience all of the awkwardness and out-right rudeness of all the questions that I've given answers to already and all the conversations that have been had already. I can't really say "David, tell your family to stop talking about the baby", or walk up to his mom and go "Just stop talking about babies because I don't want to hear it." Saying things like that around this time of year will only serve to make things more awkward the next time I have to visit. We can't break lease and pick up and move 3 months after getting moved in, and I can't just avoid them forever. But I can't keep having the same conversations over and over either. Any suggestions?

The "New baby" talk won't stop just because this one they like to talk about now is going to grow up. My fiancee's sister is also planning to have kids, probably not all that long from now. I suspect then I will begin to hear from everyone about having kids so that SOMEONE ELSE can have a niece or grandchildren. My fiancee's sister has already talked to him "Privately" about trying to get me to reconsider by talking to me about it. It was very rude to do that to begin with, but what's worse is to expect someone else to have children just because YOU want a niece or a nephew.

I feel proud of him because when she asked him to do this, all he said was, "If you want a bunch of annoying little brats that do nothing but cost you money making dirty diapers and noise running around you, you're welcome to go have your own, but Samantha and I don't want any." But that still hasn't stopped them from asking about it and urging us to time and time again. Sigh...I'm growing weary and it's only getting worse.

Well if they know how you feel and continue to repeat questions next time just say you know my opinion, it hasn't changed, end of discussion and don't say anymore.. (or leave the room) repeat a few times and hopefully they will quit. Sometimes you have to hit these people over the head for them to recieve the message (by just being blunt)

Or ask which part of NO did they not understand.

Oh I've said things like that right to them before. I couldn't leave in the middle of a sit-down dinner like Thanksgiving though or Christmas, because then I'll be the rude one, and I don't want to be insolent or rude. I just want them to get it through their thick skulls that I do not and will not want children. And I can't stress enough that I want them to understand that it's a big decision that I didn't make over night and that I won't be having children just because ONE OF THEM wants a grandchild or whatever.

I have found there isn't much you can do but smile and nod when someone is talking about babies. you can steer the conversation away but there is no polite way of saying please stop talking about Jane's new baby.

but the next time they say when r u having kids just say with a genuine smile, "WE have given it a lot of thought and decided that we want don't want to have kids of our own. I am really happy with our decision and am looking forward to our future together. I love your son so much." then look at your husband to be and smile at him.

I cant stress the importance of making it a WE statement. it shows unity and that he is on your side, in agreement, and has your back.

If you look happy while saying it and are smiling it makes it harder for people to nay-say you. because a negative comment will take away your smile and make things awkward. But if they do press just say that the discussion you and so fiance had was private and between the two of you.

I have on occasion with pushy people said (again with a smile, keep it like you are joking). "you are spending a lot of time thinking about my uterus. I hope you aren't going to start asking me when I'll be on my period next." people know periods are private so you are looping your childfree choice together in the category of things that are private and NOT their business.

I generally try to make it a joke. In-laws: "When are we going to get some grandkids?" Me: "Hmmm... I don't know. Better get started on it yourself. You're not getting any younger, you know!" (My husband is an only child.) In-laws: "Awwwww... Look at Sally's baby. Isn't she sweet?" Me: "I don't know. I generally try to stay away from cannibalism." Of course the proper way is to explain your desire not to have children calmly and politely. But in my personal experience, it wasn't until I got rude that my in-laws really understood that I meant it. At one point my mother-in-law had the nerve to call my mother and ask her if she couldn't make me see that I should have children. My mother, bless her, said, "Oh no. Kass didn't even play with dolls as a child. She would be a rotten mother!" I love my Mum. Somehow, when you get over 40, all this nonsense magically stops. But when I was younger, there were definitely people in the family that I avoided because they never wanted to talk about anything but my future as a baby machine. I don't feel comfortable around such people, and I avoided family gatherings so I wouldn't have to be around them. I agree with Marie that if they don't stop, you should embarass them. I really think people have good intentions, but just don't realise that this is none of their business.

I encounter this a lot. So much that I don't really care anymore if someone is curious about my future as a mother. What I don't like is when I give them an answer such as "I don't have any definite plans" or "maybe I don't want any" and get an awkward pause or an air of non-acceptance. And this is the truth - I don't want any children at the moment but I'm not closing the door permanently. But people should have genuine respect for your feelings.

Oh normally I'd make a joke of it too. I don't know, I just have told them I don't want kids many times. And even when we went over today she was like "If you have a boy there's this computer program that lets you make pictures...."

She seems to still completely believe I'll have kids even though I've made it clear I won't.

I truly believe the fact that we have chosen not to have kids is so outside some people's personal experience that you might as well be speaking Martian. I fear that many people have kids because "that's what you're supposed to do" and they just don't get that someone would choose a different path. It's like they don't even process that there is a choice. It's like if you asked them what they wanted for lunch and they said, "Pink polka-dotted rangygazoo." You would assume you didn't understand them and just ask again.

Yum yum!!

The yellow variety is delicious too

Seriously though, as I said on my 'Smiths ad' thread on the Brit TV forum - anyone who has kids because they believe they should have kids, and not because they want kids, probably does not have very happy kids. There's enough kids to go around in the world right? Why should anyone have more unless they truly want to?

I hear that! I think it's awful that some people feel obligated or pressured to have kids that they don't really want. The poor kids!