BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "You don't know that" ...Yes I do!

Okay, well I'm back in the work force again, but while I desperately needed the money. What I had forgotten, with my year and 1/2 of unemployment is how pushy others can be. I noticed, here where I live, when you touch on the subject of being Child-free (or child-less in their terms) is "Oh, now, you don't know that"

Now, I've always been the type that, I control my life, my life doesn't control me. If I say, "I'll never do drugs" then I won't, and I haven't, that includes cigarettes and alcohol. I've always been the type when I say "no" to something in my life it MEANS no.

What I don't get is how people can allow their life to sway them to have children. I understand accidents happen namely when you're sexually active. Though I am asexual to a very big extent, so my sexual activity is pretty much null and void. So, the chances of me having any "accidents" is about as plausible as me getting pregnant off a toilet seat.

When I tell people who say "Oh, well, you don't know that" that "Yes I do know that". They're CONVINCED that I have NO control over whether I have kids or not! Like I somehow will wake up one day pregnant by some mysterious ghost, like the virgin Mary or something!

I just hate hearing that condescending "Oh, well, you don't know that" like I have NO control of MY life decisions or my life in general. Like I have no idea what I want out of MY LIFE or just no CLUE in general. It just makes me so mad how people assume that just because THEIR lives have turned out so unexpectedly that others lives will do the same.

Not everyone's life will turn out in the same way as someone else's. Also, not everyone's life is going to be ruled by children or sexual desires! Not everyone is going to be ruled by their life, some of us take the reins and try to steer our life as best we can. Why is it, that people expect that just because I don't want kids...that I don't know if that'll be the case, 10 years from now? I understand that people do change their mind over the course of time, but I'm not like that.

I'm not easily swayed once I say no to something, my own mother knows I'm too bullheaded. If I've said no this long, I'd never betray myself so much that I'd say yes to children 10, 20 or even, 50 years later. I'm 25 years into my "child-free" decision, I can't, and I won't turn back now.

I just wish people realized that being child-free isn't bad, and that just because I'm young, doesn't mean I'm whimsical either. I just had to rant, I'm sorry, I was just really frustrated with it all. Thank you for listening, I feel tons better.

That is such an odd response. I can't imagine someone saying, "You don't know that." Hmmm. I'm not even sure how I'd respond to that because it's so, as you said, condescending.I suppose it's similar to when someone told me, "You'll have kids by accident." I said, "What a horrible thing to say." "Not cool."

It is actually very odd, I've never heard that said to me before. Yet it seems rather popular answer, namely among men.

I've heard just about every response in the book including this one when I say I don't want kids, and they're all condescending. I can't even respond to it when it's said to me, because I can't respond to that level of stupidity. People who assume they know more about you and what you want from life than you do are the most pompous, presumptuous and ridiculous @ssholes.

Don't feel bad. I've discovered that NOTHING you do will ever convince people that you will never have kids... short of dying, I suppose. I thought I was finally in the clear when I had my tubes tied. I was able to say to people, "nope, had my tubes tied. The End." But, twice I've actually had someone tell me that I could still change my mind.

First time, it was a friend of my dad's who was going on about how I need to catch up to my sister (who was pregnant at the time). I gave my usual, "Nope. No kids for me, had my tubes tied." Without missing a beat he replied, "They can undo that, you know." I responded, "Is that a threat? Is someone in a white van waiting around the corner to grab me or something?" My dad laughed, his friend look confused. Whatever. Old people.

Second time time, my OBGYN bingoed me. My periods are beyond miserable, and I wanted to discuss an endometrial ablation. After all, why should I be stuck with a miserable period when I have no need for a uterus? Her response, "I can't do that you are still of childbearing age." I'm like, "Um, I had my tubes tied. No kids for me." She said, "You could still change your mind, have it reversed or do IVF." Man, my freaking doctor won't even take me seriously! Arg.

I always thought the tubes being tied thing was going to be enough to end all the doubt and speculation, but no. To this day, the only thing I have found to say that shuts people up is, "I assure you, nothing will ever make it out of my [censored] alive."

Crass, but effective. Good luck!

-D.

@Doyln WOW! You had me cracking up, I'm very shocked people still press the issue. Like you, I would've thought with your tubes tied the whole "baby" issue would die away like flowers in winter. Though I did manage to "break" someones mind when I said "Don't you find the idea that all women must bare children to be archaic? Why do I have to do something I'm not happy with to fit a social norm set down by some invisable law maker?" She stared at me for a while and stuttered to answer me back with a meek "Well...maybe..."

A co-worker of mine decided he was going to give me REASONS as to why I should have children. So I STOPPED him before hand and said "Give me a reason that isn't based off, 1. preference, 2. opinion and 3. religion" he stood there and stared at me for a long minute trying to think up an answer for which he never found. So he backtracked to religion where he told me that in his beliefs [Christianity] god wanted man and woman to reproduce. For which I retorted "God gave us free will as well" and he had no answer.

I suppose it fuels the flame in some cases, but eventually people realize that the idea of having children is purely based on preference alone. That realization may help them realize that having children isn't for everyone. Maybe little by little the idea of not having children can spread, and child bearing will become more of a choice and less of a right of passage into "proper womanhood". Though that seems an amazing LONG road to walk, and one that will extend probably way past my life span.

Jen B., You had some great responses. I personally, can't stand to discuss it with people. It's so personal, and to me it would be like a person telling you the reasons you shouldn't have chosen your career or your partner, etc.

In addition to people attacking me for my child-free decision, I've also had people outright attack the reason I choose my partner, David. Our relationship was long distance, and no one in my home town believes in meeting someone across a distance and making it work. They all cling to the ideal that you have to meet someone in your own home town and stay there forever. So, they all called me stupid outright, said bad things about David without even knowing him, and even went so far as to question why we would want to be together. It's a horrible feeling, because it's like having that other person attack the entire way you believe. Like they're saying you're wrong in whatever decision you may make, so long as it's not a decision they themselves would make. And it's especially hard when the person attacking your choices is someone you love like a relative.

@Misstalia It's very invasive, but it's really annoying too. I've never liked people to push things on me, I'll cross those bridges when I'm ready but never before that time. Pushing me only delays me coming to terms with it.

@Sam B. I know that feeling as well, people will never understand how a long distance works. I've had several and I've gotten very similar responses, it's quite a terrible feeling.