BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage New Baby/ Thinking divorce

My husband and I had our first baby boy about 2 months ago. He is perfect in everyway, but my husband has become completely bi-polar. I dread him even coming home. I have been at the gym everyday since I was taken off medical rest and have lost all of my baby-weight, stayed home with little guy, have done all of the late night feedings, diaper changes, kept the house clean,worked from home and even cooked for him while he was at work.He on the other hand has showed no appreciation what-so-ever, gained 40 lbs and become incredibley hateful. He does not offer to help and gets angry and yells when the baby is upset or I try to get him to pitch in. I went back to work this week, and he lost his job. Instead of taking over the baby duties. He drops the baby at daycare everyday, wasting our money, and yells at me if I ask him to stay up with the baby so I can get some sleep. He will scream at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night if he can not find something and scare the baby and I to death. If he does fix a bottle for the baby he will prop it up in the bassinet with a blanket; so he doesn't have to feed him. Our baby has reflux; so, this just makes him sick. Sometimes he will be sweet and tell me he loves me, but I'm just not pulling my weight. I don't know how much more I can do. I get no sleep some nights and then go into work for a full day. I think divorce might be the only way. I can't run on zero rest and worry about when he is going to blow-up next.

It sounds like you have your hands full. Were their signs of this other side of him before the baby, or is this all new?

You both have undergone a huge amount of change recently. I can't see this being a healthy environment for any of you. He sounds very angry, but if this is a new outburst perhaps it isn't a permanent situation. Counseling is necessary, though. Many men think they are being taken to counseling to get told they are wrong, and are resistant to the idea. But counseling helps a couple to find ways to get through difficult times without destroying their marriage in the process.

Even if he won't go, you should. It will help you make healthy decisions for yourself and your son and build your confidence in your decisions.

Yes, I had exactly the same thoughts as Amy. First, how was the relationship before the baby arrived?

But yes, a counselor can help you. Ideally your husband will go, but, you can benefit going by yourself. If you go by yourself, ask the counselor if he/she believe they can help you with a troubled marriage if they only see you. If they say, "No, I can't help unless your husband comes in" then find someone else! I wish I had learned to screen counselors by asking that question many, many years ago.

And congratulations! I hope you are able to treasure the precious moments of motherhood that are mixed in with the tough times.

He did have a few signs of anger issues, but it was just once in a while, and he blames it on his childhood. He had a father who was physically abusive. Now he is military, which makes it harder, because he doesn't want to do military marriage counseling. He claims we don't need it. I love him a lot, but I'm constantly walking on eggshells, worrying about what will set him off. I know I forget to do small stuff sometimes, like keep my car clean, but the important stuff is done.

Hi, newmommy. Congratulations on your new baby! And thanks for stopping by.

It's important that you seek out support as soon as possible for a variety of reasons. For one thing, you need to document his behavior to see if there is a pattern to it. Second, it will be helpful for you to have an outside/third party to remind you of what is "acceptable" and what is not because as you continue to live with this situation, it can become all to easy to rationalize his behavior. Wives with abusive husbands slowly slip into acceptance mode. Third, a counselor can guide you through the next steps of either getting help for your husband or seeking safe refuge.

Your husband's anger problems (and we agree that an abusive childhood causes unresolved anger) are escalating to the point where he is causing undue stress. His demands are unreasonable. His reactions are way over-the-top, extreme, and unhealthy. Signs of something not right with his thinking or emotional state.

Yes, please seek counseling. A military counselor can insist that he comes for his own good, especially if a baby and a divorce are in the picture.

I always believe that people are worth fixing. You can take that thought into counseling with you. Just be aware that not all people believe they need fixing or want to be fixed. And some people will disagree with me here, but I believe that your baby is more important than your marriage. Protect your baby first.

I would think that with such a lovely wife and precious new baby, he has incentive to keep him family intact by getting some help. He needs someone else to show him that he is being harsh and unfair...and that he possibly has some type of disorder to manage. That you will leave if he doesn't do something about it.

A counselor can help you. Only you can determine when it is time to go but remember you have a vulnerable baby to protect. Will your husband repeat his abusive childhood?