BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Decisions About Kids

Hi Cassie67-

I get a little sad too sometimes, but it's only because I know I'll be missing the "Kodak" moments of having a child. If something were to go wrong, the reality would be very different.

I am horrified to hear that after everything you have gone through, this man doesn't love you. I don't know, but I hope this isn't just a sequel to the same movie- you are great and giving to a fault but somehow inadequate for the needs of the man you are with. I'd selfishly like to see you get out of this relationship. He needs you, but he doesn't love you and there's a difference. Your good and kind nature is once again being taken advantage of, and I am so afraid that once a better option comes along (ie a woman who will not only take care of him, but one that he truly is in love with), he will be out the door, honey.

Oh, sweetie. How much more will God ask of you? I am thinking of you lots today. xoxo

Everyone here has perfectly good reasons to have children, and there are so many reasons to not have them. Behavior problems, disease, bullying, money issues...not to mention all the problems it causes in your relationship with your spouse. But then, I can only think of one reason people have children: Because they want them and they think it's what they're supposed to do because we live in this pro-natal society where women and men with children are portrayed as the only "truly fulfilled" people. No one should be made to think they have to have children simply because it's what "everyone else" does. Stick to your beliefs, in the end, they're the only ones that matter.

VirgoGirl....thanks for your kind words.

I know my boyfriend loves me, but does he tell me often? No. And he is for sure not "in love" with me, but then again, I don't think he ever was in love in his entire life, except maybe once in college. He was not in love with his ex-wife who he spent 13 years with.

He has had life-long medical issues, some very serious. Maybe his casual nature is what gets him through life with the best possible attitude. I don't really know. He gets emotional at times.....when thinking about his young daughter or his elderly parents. He will cry when he sees something touching on tv like an animal getting hurt or when a parent and child share a special moment. He seems to be all for the couple working their differences out when we watch any type of movie with romance in it. I know he can love deeply in certain relationships and there is some sensitivity there.....but he chooses not to give his entire heart to a woman.

I have definitely proven my love and loyalty. I think before he can fall in love if he ever will, he wants to see perfection, and that will never happen because nobody is perfect. He gets turned off by our bickering when it occurs, but every couple has their difficult moments.

I won't move out in the winter so I keep trying to find work and survive until spring. I am going to re-assess my relationship with my boyfriend and go from there at that time. Maybe I will leave then. I love him dearly and I love when he is intimate with me, but I don't think he truly needs anyone in his life on a daily basis. He does not mind being alone, and like I said before, if I want to go he will not try to stop me. I would like to be with someone who at least would try to stop me from leaving.

I don't know if I could ever try this game of love again. I am so burned out from giving all I have for nothing. And I know deep inside I am not getting out of this current relationship what I need, even though my boyfriend is kind and generous, putting a roof over my head and food on my plate while I am unemployed. We do have good laughs together, but in reality there is not much that we have in common. And I know it is not his intention to ever marry again.

I think he needs a person like me in his life, but I know he does not believe that, nor does he like the word "need". He is not taking advantage of me, but it is more likely the other way around. He is sweet, considerate, and concerned about me. Still, I am not getting that feeling of being cherished, and that is the least I want from the man I am with. I just want to feel special in his eyes and way above the level of a friend.

With all that has happened since we have known each other he should be romantically in love with me by now. Certainly enough time has passed for him to get to know me. It hasn't happened, and I have to live with the disappointment that it never will happen. As much as I love him and as much as I will it to happen, you just can't force feelings that are not there.

Cassie-

My sister just ended an 8 month relationship with someone who clearly did not need her (and didn't want to need anyone, as you say). At 36, she put a lot of energy and compromise into it. She is a strong-willed, high-powered exec type and compromise was so difficult for her to do. She thought she grew a lot as a person by making changes and adapting to someone else, and she really hoped (and deserved, in my opinion) for it to work. In the end, it was never going to be enough. She saw the end coming for weeks and really had a hard time cutting the cord.

When it finally did happen, he wasn't even all that upset. She was also shocked to find that she was relieved to be on her own again. She was sad for a long time, but she didn't have that nagging feeling anymore that there was something in her life that not only wasn't working, but that she couldn't fix no matter how hard she tried. She'd actually love to have a child someday, but she's not so sure about marriage- funny how different people are!

Anyway, I hope that just by being your wonderful unselfish self, perhaps things will change. But I would also not wish that nagging feeling on you for an entire winter, either.

VirgoGirl....I don't have a choice but to endure the winter here. The worst part will be the weather, not the relationship.

I can't move if I wanted to. I have no money and I struggle to find work so I can support myself and my animals. I need to be in a better place financially before I can move clear across the country to be with my family, even if it is just slightly financially better to be able to afford moving expenses. My family is like me, living month to month, so they cannot help me financially make a move now.

I will be ok....I have to believe that. I will definitely think about your sister's story....so like my own. Thank you again for responding.