BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Need to talk to someone...alone and scared

The guy I have been dating I met him a couple months ago. In the beginning he seemed like a wonderful man. Handsome, very loving, protective, good hearted towards children and animals, moral, sympathetic to those around him, and the type who would do anything for those he cared about. Ill call him "John" In the beginning everything was perfect. I couldnt wait to come home so I could spend time wiht him. However, it all changed a month into our relationship. He badgered me to add him on facebook. I didnt want to add him on my FB so quickly into the relationship. I also didnt want to accept his rship request on FB either but I did to make him happy. He wrote too many mushy messages on FB which embarassed me. My friends were asking questions b/c this was not like me at all. To not look like a lovestruck teenager out of touch with reality, when my friends texted me about this, telling me taht I'm jumping into this rship way too quick, and they are concerned about how quickly this rship is moving, I texted them saying "I dont know whats wrong with John", and I made fun of his overly mushy ways. I also said to one girl that "this is just a temporary rship and John and I arent all that compatible." One day John was spending the night at my house and when I left for work, he read the texts. He was livid and confronted me about them. He never went back to the old sweet loving John. It was like he was now a different person even after I profusely apologized and took him out to lunch. I told him that it was wrong of me and how sorry I was. I told him that it isnt right to snoop thru my stuff. He said that he wanted "an adult relationship where ppl have a right to know about their partners thoughts and feelings". he told me he had also looked thru all my journals and that was his right. This was only a month into the rship, and I still dont know if its my fault if I made him into an angry person due to my texts or what. One day I didnt want him coming to my house b/c I wanted to sleep alone. We were spending 3-5 nights a week together and I needed my own space. he was livid and screaming at me calling me "juvenile" b/c I was "always going on and on about my space". he said he wanted to come to my house and if I didnt let him in he'd raise hell and he knew how to pick the locks. He came over and he was so mean to me. I asked him if he was going to hurt me b/c he had a crazy look in his eyes. Then he CHOKED me till the point my eyes hurt and I was afraid I could have damage done to my eyes. my head hurt afterwards also and I was scared. I didnt know if this was my fault b/c he was hurt over my texts where I made fun of him and talked sh!t about him to my friends. He was crazy in love with me and had jumped head over heels in this rship and I had downplayed our rship and acted like he didnt mean much to me. SO I had guilt from that, and I still dont know if I deserved to be choked cuz of that or what. The next day when I went to work I called the cops b/c I was afraid to tell him over the phone that I wanted him out of my house. I was afraid he'd destroy my house. The cops were with me when they banned him from the property. He called me when he went home and told me why he was so angry. HE had been paying for all the dates and I hadnt offered to pay at all even tho I made more $ than him. I had no idea thats what he was so mad about, so I took him out to eat the next week and treated him to a movie. I saw the old John, the loving man with the puppy dog eyes come back. He was affectionate and we made out for the longest time. It was perfect. I was having doubts about John. Please dont judge me for what I'm about to say...but I talked to another man behind his back. I met him on the same dating site I met john. John went thru my phone and found out(again silly me for not deleting my texts). he became a raging banshee cuz of this. I apologized and cut it off with the other guy. I never cheated on john with this other guy or anything but him and I had made plans for going out and meeting up in the texts. I felt awful and I never did anything like this again in the rship but john always held it over my head. even before I talked to the other guy, sometimes john wouldnt want to talk about anything other than what a horrible person I've been to him and how I was selfish. I'd come home from work with him screaming at me like a drill seargant. I would tell him to leave my house and then he would act like he had no idea why I was always wanting my space and how angry that would make me. He said I was immature and had no idea how to "make it thru an argument" and that I didnt know how to work thru my problems and that I was a "runner". When I confronted him about his problems and how he treated me bad, he said he didnt want to argue b/c it was a waste of time and he had better things to do. He wouldnt be happy unless he was picking a fight about the smallest things...sometimes trivial things like where to go to dinner. I was miserable, couldnt live wiht him or wihtout him. THe fights were terrible. He'd get into my face and scream at me. Everything would set him off. Then he'd tell he was angry bc of something I had done earlier in the rship. I couldnt bring up his past mistakes but he would always call me out on mine. What [censored] me off was that he only cleaned my house twice. And cooked for me once. He would stay at my house (he worked weekends, I worked weekdays) and just go online to snoop on me on my coomputer checking my online history, etc even after I would clear all my data. The house would get filthier b/c he wouldnt clean up after himself. When I would get angry and tell him to leave he said I was being territorial. He wouldnt help out at all b/c its my "house and I should be responsible for cleaning it". He badgered me about moving in together and I kept procrastinating b/c I knew it would be impossible to get him out of my life if I wanted to leave him and he was getting more abusive. He had threatened to hit me many times. ONce simply b/c I called his bandana he wore a scarf. He said just cuz he says hes going to hit me doesnt mean he will actually hit me. He flew into a rage when he knew I wasnt going to move in anytime soon. He said he would be able to save a lot of money by moving in with me. He forced me into having sex with me twice. I was afraid of having sex with him b/c I knew he would try to poke a hole in the condom but I was so afraid of him I complied. I was crying during sex, it was awful, painful and I was not turned on at all. He poked a hole in the condom and bragged and laughed about it while I cried. He spit in my face as well during this time. I had to take the morning after...I am taking a break from John but I miss him and I am going to see him again this weekend. He said he had to poke the hole b/c that was the only way I would move in with him and have a future with him. I dont know if its my fault or his. I love him but I'm scared of him. We have made plans to work on our rship.

LuxKitten, honey, please understand this: women NEVER "deserve" to be hurt in any way by a man for anything they've done. EVER. I can't think of any other way to say this, and I can only hope that my blunt and brash manner will not offend you, but...THIS GUY IS A FU**ING PR*CK. What you are going through is WRONG and there is no other way around it. To snoop through your stuff, to force you into sex, and to try to get you pregnant so that you have to depend on him? I can't think of any worse "red flags" that this guy is a sick person in need of professional help, counseling, etc. He is the epitome of a control freak/abuser. If you stay with him, you are NOT going to be happy. You will be taken advantage of and treated like sh*t. However, if this happens, this is YOUR fault. YOU have to be the one to tell him to hit the road and don't ever come back. YOU have to be strong and get over your issues and your need to be loved by a man (I'm not judging you, I can say this because I've been there myself).YOU have to realize that it's ok to be on your own as a woman. You need to be a strong woman and not let this manipulative bast*rd get the pleasure of your company ever again. Once again, I'm sorry for not seeming more polite. But I see this way too often. And nobody ever tells it like it is and they dance around the issue. Well, I want one less woman in this sucky world to go through the garbage I've seen. And the way that will happen is to be honest with you. He's bad news. He has problems. Get OUT of this relationship and MOVE ON!!!!

He always used to tell me he didnt like men who were control freaks. That there were very few times he was going to tell me what to do in life. I was raised old fashioned where the man was to pay at all times. Even tho John didnt havea lot of money he always paid for dates and he said that that was what was causing a lot of his anger in the beginning. He was angry bc he was getting behind on paying his utilities etc. He also was the one who taught me that even if he hada lot of money he would still want to go dutch on certain things so I could maintain my independence and not have to depned on men for anything. So this was the thing that caused me to think maybe hes not such a control freak. Maybe he wants me to be independent and values independence. This is what confused me when we were together. Is he or is he not a control freak b/c he told me he wanted me to have my own power in the rship.

Men will say anything. But actions speak louder than words. He may have said he wasn't a control freak, but he was trying to convince both of you he wasn't even though he knew he was. My ex did this to me too. To force you to do ANYTHING you don't want, to snoop through your stuff, etc., this is all the complete opposite of you having any say in this relationship. I just hope you see it before it's too late. Best of luck.

He hacked into my computer accounts and looked up information on me fom 2005 -6. Some of that was embarassing for me. Then he would throw that back into my face. I told him I wanted to talk to his previous gfs about what kind of person he was, and he flipped out saying thats none of my business and we need to keep ppl from the past in th past. i emailed his ex gfs and one of his ex's told me that he was abusive towards her - choked, spit on her and hit her and called her a [censored] in front of her kids. She said some of the same stuff that he never helped out around the house. I dont know who is right tho. John or his ex. Because John told me that she used to beat on him every day and he only choked her once in self defense. Then a couple days ago said the only time he choked her was in bed during some S&M but never laid a hand on her. I dont know who to believe.

I completely agree with everyone here who has suggested you get out. As a victim and survivor of domestic violence I can tell you it has only just begun. Leave now while you still can and take every means possible to keep him away from you and those you love. May you be blessed with the strength and courage to move on and to heal from what has already been done.

He tells me the only reason he isnt helping out around the house is b/c its not his. He keeps telling me his relationship with his ex was more "serious" b/c they had a joint account. he tells me when he starts working more hours and making more money (b/c right now i work more hours and make more than him) he has to have a joint account. he says in a rship there is "no my money and your money, everything is ours". i dont want him to spend my money like crazy and i dont feel comfortable with a joint account. its like we have to go with everything he wants and that bothers me.

Lux, Honestly just move on. You have mentioned so many things you dislike about this guy and not very many if any of what you do like. There is no need for him to feel emasculated because you choose to work more to make more of that money. He can find ways to do the same. You have all right to your money you work for, for your own space and time. Why are you giving in to so many things you hate? What is he giving in return? and how much more do you think he is going to ask for once you give this? Ask yourself these things before you put yourself in debt he leaves you and you are stuck with nothing. He appearantly has shown he is not worth that trouble. Your house. Your money your choice. Stand up to that. End of disscussion tell him. If he dose not like it he can leave. Good luck girl hard life choices

I would agree with what Pergatory and others have said. This relationship is not making your life better and therefore you should end it. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault, it just isn't working. Doesn't even really sound like it's working for him, though that is not your concern. It isn't working for you and you would be better off by yourself.

If you want advice on how to tell him or how to break it off, I'm thinking forum members could offer advice on that topic also.

Actually if you are in any way unconvinced, look at the words in your thread's title: 'alone and scared'. When you are in a relationship, you should not feel 'alone and scared'. If you do, it a big red flag that you need to make changes.

Good luck. You can do it. Reaching out for help and support was a smart thing to do.