BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Decisions About Kids

Burt.....thanks for reaching out. I am impressed at how understanding you are in regards to my story. You hit the nail on the head with many of your comments. I normally don't go into detail about much of this with anyone, like I will right now, because I don't want anyone to think that I want their pity. But it is what it is, and you are right on all counts.

The pain I suffered over the loss of my marriage goes on and on. Even being in a new relationship has not helped. I loved so much differently in my marriage, and I know I will never be that person again. I don't have it left in me to love like that again, to love someone with everything I have because I feel like he is my soulmate, only to be betrayed, rejected, and left with literally nothing. The pain I suffered was worse than the pain I suffered when my father died several years ago. That divorce is the most devestating thing I have ever gone through in my life.

We had an amazing love story years ago, and I still loved him the same way up until the divorce. I was too kind in court to my ex-husband. He took advantage of it and he knew all along what he was doing. I had no idea that the minute I was walking out of the door to my house for good, a house I worked hard for just like my husband did, his new woman was moving right in. I thought he'd be on his own for a while so I asked for minimal alimony. I didn't want to ruin him financially, even after all the pain he was causing me, for many reasons.......he was paying all the household expenses for a house where our mortgages were under water (we owe more than we can sell it for), and he had other large bills to pay every month. He also had our dogs at the time and I wanted them well cared for (I have them now).

Even though he makes probably $95K a year, the monthly bills were going to take most of his money. I had originally intended to move out of state, so he got the house in the settlement because there was no equity and he had the paycheck, and it will have to be refinanced or sold anyway by the end of next year so my name can come off the mortgages. I was kind and I did not look out for myself. I used an attorney only to look at the divorce agreement that my ex and I were filing. We represented ourselves in court.

I was wrong to do this because he had financial help coming in the form of his girlfriend, who he married just a year later. She walked in making about $50K. All of a sudden there were house renovations going on, big parties, trips to islands, etc. And here I am without a job or health insurance....

I have been out of work for three years. I lost my job and went on unemployment compensation but that has long since run out. I was serious about finding work until we ran into the marital problems....dealing with the having kids issue.....and I went into a deep depression. I could not function. The shock of knowing that my husband was so unhappy, the stress of trying all I could to keep him, and then the final downfall when he said he wanted a divorce.....it was all too much and too painful for me to bear. A friend of mine later told me that she thought I was going to lose my mind back then.

I may be bi-polar like you, but I have never been diagnosed. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic and I have read that mental illness can be genetic. His siblings have mental issues, and my sister and brother often have trouble with mental stability like I do. Anyway, the point is that the ending of my marriage took everything out of me, and I do mean everything. I am still trying like heck to pull myself emotionally and mentally out of the deep hole I went into when my husband dumped me like trash. It has been impossible for me to try to find work for many months, and I still have trouble with it all. I did find something temporary for a few weeks, but that will be done at the end of the month and I will be in real financial trouble if I don't find something else soon. It is just real hard to take the steps I need to in order to get back on track. I don't know if it is fear or what, but certainly it is frustrating when there aren't that many jobs out there to begin with.

I have paid a heavy price for loving with all that I am. It will take me a very long time to fully get over it, if I ever will.

As for the Christianity thing, I was raised Roman Catholic. A friend of mine told me recently that once you are divorced you cannot receive communion at mass. For many years I did not go to church but I go now because I want to and it helps me cope. Just once a week. Well, this really bad divorce after such a long relationship was not my only divorce. My first marriage was when I was 22. It was a short-lived marriage because he was an alcoholic, which I didn't know beforehand. We had gotten married in the church and we tried for an annulment, but it was a huge process and not cheap so we gave up on it. I married my second husband in a civil ceremony.

Both times that I got divorced it was because it was forced upon me. I did not want either divorce but both of my husbands wanted "out" of the marriage. Now why should I have to bear the blame from these situations and suffer bad consequences? I don't agree with the idea that I cannot receive communion, so I go up to receive anyway. I don't broadcast my personal business to the priests so I am not worried about it. I think the good Lord is forgiving and compassionate, and I know I am not hurting anyone.

gullivera.......I hope your marriage does survive this and it all works out for you. I had wanted the kids too and changed my mind after marriage, shocking my husband and making him very upset with me for a long time. Finally he came around and for years my husband agreed with me about not having kids. He saw things my way, even telling his family that we were both happy with not having kids, which surprised them but they accepted our decision.

After his mid-life crisis that all changed. He went back to wanting the kids and I lost him forever. This was after about 6 years of him not wanting kids. This can and does happen. I think deep down this need for kids never went away with him, even though he said it did.

I'm really very glad that things worked out so well for you and your husband. I hope that they continue to as well. Hearing all of your stories is very inspiring. Thanks to everyone who replied so far, both with the bad and the good.

Beloved Cassie67,
The only reason I could percive your pain is that my Grandmother went trhough alomst an exact sitiuation similar to yours. Coming from a Roman Catholic background myself I wrote a 37 page document to get my dad's best friend an annulment so he could re-marry. I hope and pray that your ability to write this post has helped you. It is very fragile and intimate information so I had to be careful and kind and compassionate before I replied.
My abusive Grandfather damaged my mother, and I have to work through that abuse these many years later.
After getting you to air your laundry, I had to withdraw to lick my own wounds.
Emotional boils have to be lanced and allowed to drain.
I wanted to heal my damage before I imposed my baggage on anyone else, so I did not find a compatable mate until I was 38 yrs.
It is a strange, foul, weird and awful trick of life that as we draw closer to the most beautiful love that we all crave -- right there are the most vicious and vile monsters of hate, violence, betrayal and deceit.
I do hope you feel better and are able to voice and express your healing process openly here.
God, God, God and more God... For in the final analysis Jesus Christ, God the Father, and yes God the Mother are the only ones who know, understand and are able to heal our pain.
It's a process, just like all of nature is a process.
You are raw and have open cuts and nerves.
Please allow us here to assist you.
Much like a woman, I have kept all my pain within.
Try not to be ashamed and afraid - easier said than done.
When I read your account, I had no thought in my mind whatsoever that you were looking sympathy or pity.
You're just a human being in the battleground of life.

Sincerely,
Burt Anthony Bialozynski

To Cassie, Rake in that alimony, you deserve it, every penny. This is maybe the third time I heard a person tell me they've tried to be kind in a divorce and got/lost less than they deserved. He stole years of your life, was in secret contact with another woman, etc. Therefore, in my opinion, YOU EARNED THE MONEY, I digress. Also, Have you thought about going back to school? Many times unemployed go for free!

Wow....it seems that I am getting therapy now thanks to all of you who are so caring on this forum. Yes, my pain is still very raw. You would think that a year and a half after my divorce I should be feeling a lot better, and emotionally I should be moving on. As much as I wish for it, it is just not my reality.

I was going to counseling and had been for years, but I had to stop after March because I just can't afford it right now, and since I moved out of my house I am now an hour and a half from his office. I really like him though and he knows me very well, not to mention my ex-husband, whom he also counseled years ago. I hope to make contact with my counselor again some time in the near future but for now I just can't manage any more expenses.

So thanks for the therapy sessions here, my friends. I didn't realize how therapeutic it is to tell my story until I shared it here. I do feel a bit of relief to share my story. Anyone who responds has been great, and I thank you all for reaching out.

misstalia.....thank you for your supportive post. I honestly don't know if I could mentally handle going to school right now. I can really only manage getting through one day at a time, and I am trying like hell to stay sane and to be happy. It is hard work. I feel very burned out on many levels, and I think what I need is to find any low-key job to get back on track and get some normalcy back in my life, not to mention pay my bills. Once I am back on track I may consider school in the future, but at my age I am really not sure that it is for me anymore. There are better people out there than I am who will go to school at any age, but I am just trying to survive right now and get some energy to thrive.

My opportunity to get alimony is done. My ex-husband and I came to an agreement and presented it in writing to the court. We were divorced a year and a half ago and I am not going back to court with this man. I learned a hard lesson and I should have listened to my family and friends and taken him for all that I could. I loved him until the end and I didn't want to ruin him, or have him lose the house where the mortages are still in my name. It would have ruined my credit as well as his. Primarily I thought of him instead of myself, and he just selfishly thought about himself.

Burt......you really are a sweetheart. Thank you for your kind words of support. Yes, it has helped me to voice what I have been through and what I still go through today. I had no idea I would be getting into such detail about my life but for some reason you have made it safe for me to do so here. For all it is worth, thank you.

My ex-husband sounds like a real jerk to you all, I am sure. It seems that before he had his fancy college degrees completed he was his true self. After he got his masters and an MBA he turned into an egotistical @sshole. I don't miss what happened afterwards, the hell he put me through, or the person he has become today. I don't know who he is anymore. He is not the man I fell in love with so many years ago.

I miss what we used to have up until about 3 years ago, before the economy started to slide and we lost our jobs, his grandfather passed away, he quit some of his anti-anxiety medication (this may have been a mistake), and before he completed his college degrees. We had a close friendship and lots of affection, respect for each other, had great conversations, a good sense of humor together, and we enjoyed each other's company no matter what we were doing. Our lives and our relationship was far from perfect but we formed a very good partnership.

I've been told that a divorce is a death of a marriage, and I believe it. I am grieving the loss of my best friend and confidant, my soulmate, my home, my hopes and dreams, and my financially secure future. We didn't even have to talk to communicate, we knew each other so well. It seems I can be in any situation now and I hear in my head what words he'd have for it. It throws me for a loop sometimes. I guess that's what happens when you spend nearly 20 years of your life with someone. Somehow they've become a bit imbedded within your person.

Of course a part of me wonders why I was just not enough for him in his life. He married me because he loved me, and that all changes after I support him for years through all of his emotional breakdowns, infidelity, job losses (and there were several), family issues, financial issues, and 8 years of school? All because I won't produce offspring when I am in my 40's, and I trusted his word that he was in agreement with me to not have a family.

I gave so much of myself to make him happy. I was not a perfect wife by any means, because nobody is perfect after all, but I really did all I could within my power to keep our relationship going. I was faithful and loyal to him. He was neither.

"Emotional boils have to be lanced and allowed to drain." That is a very powerful statement, and after a moment of thinking on it I have to agree. Maybe that is what I am doing here....draining out the emotion and hopefully I will get some relief from the pressure.

I think I feel weak because I do feel like I have been in a battle. I really have fought for my sanity after my fight for keeping my marriage had failed. "Battleground of life" is very fitting here. You do have a way with words, Burt, and you have come along farther in your recovery from your battle than I have. I can see that you understand me because you have gone through some of the same pain that I have. I hope that you sharing what you have so far is also helping you as well. Even though we get through our battles the best we can, often scars will remain that bring us pain at times.

I hope this last post of mine is not viewed by the rest of you as a real downer and that I am just wallowing in misery here. Honestly I do have lots of things I am thankful for, and my life is not all bad. I do have good friends and a supportive family, I have my dear pets, and I have a good man in my life whom I met last year when my world was falling apart.

I will survive no matter what because I have to. I don't know if the relationship with my boyfriend will last though. We are very different people with different expectations of what a relationship is. I love with all I have inside me to give (I have less to give than I used to, but I still love deeply), but he is more casual and probably has never been in love in his life. He loves me but he is not in love with me.

Because of it there are aspects in our relationship where I cannot be the true me, because he would not want all that intensity and he does not feel the same way. It often causes stress between us, and couple that with the stress I already feel over my financial situation and the fact that I am still grieving over my lost marriage.......well, it causes me pain and we tend to bicker over stupid things. I miss my family dearly who live clear across the country, and I often try to toss around in my head and come to an answer as to what is more important.......your family, or the gentle touch of a loving companion?

After the emotional beating I took last year I could not resist the kindness of my boyfriend when he and I started getting to know each other. He helped me see that I was still a desirable woman, and he was respectful in every way. I fell deep because I needed the attention and the goodness of him. He is still sweet and kind, but after over a year and a half he is not in love with me. I know he loves me, but there is no sparkle in his eyes like you'd expect from an intimate partner. If I said I wanted to leave he would let me go.

I thought for sure after what I helped him through last fall he would feel more for me. He had a heart attack 2 days after his 48th birthday and then had open heart surgery with lots of complications. He almost died and he spent 6 1/2 weeks in the hospital, of which I was there for him every single day. Prior to that we were very happy together and I felt like I was recovering from my divorce and I was ready to look for work. Once he got sick the job hunting went on hold. When he was released it took months before he could manage on his own because he was so weak.

I became over-exhausted from caregiving, and I think that eventually brought on the pain of my divorce again because I was tired and vulnerable. I have been struggling ever since, and now I wonder if my boyfriend and I care about each other but should not live together. If I leave him I will leave forever, because I will have to move across the country to where my family is and I will need to start a new life. I can see that I am good for him, but if he does not need me then what am I doing with him? I know a part of me is very weak, and the thought of leaving my boyfriend is a bit crushing to me. He is good and caring, and his touch is the most gentle I have ever known from a man. I would miss his touch so much. I need that attention. All because I was severely damaged by my ex-husband. I am still reeling from the rejection and loss.

I have a lot to sort out in order to get my life back to some sort of normalcy. In the end I just want to be happy, but I am pulled in so many directions that I don't know which end is up half of the time.

Gosh....so sorry this last post was SO LONG!!!!

Sam B - I agree with you on everything. The "want" to have children is the most important part, from both parties and it is is completely unreasonable for one to pressure the other into either choice, because inevitably, one person will be unhappy due to he extremity of the situation (having kids or not). I think, you, like probably most on this board, have thoroughly thought through having kids. I am new to this board would like some opinions on how you perceive my situation because I often don't understand myself regarding this topic. I am in my mid 20's, married for 1 year, and for the past two years have sincerely struggled with the idea of having kids. In high school, I always said I didn't want them, in college, I didn't think about it, and then got engaged a short time after college. At that time we both said we would like two kids, and then 6 months later began to discuss it and both decided having kids was not for us. That was after thinking through ALL of the responsibilities and changes that come with it. OVERWHELMING TO THINK ABOUT- and may I add none of which seem appealing. Over the past two years the topic has severely upset me and often made me depressed to think about it. I think I have come to the conclusion that I don't want kids (husband agrees), I like kids and babies (for short periods of time). And I think that older people without kids seem sad/strange. But I don't want them....I am 90% sure. I think of all the responsibility and risk and really don't want that. And I wonder what's the point? There are so many reasons not to- I honestly can think of very few to actually have a kid. Also, when the husband and I talk hypothetically about "what we would do regarding a kid" and we disagree, it turns into a fight...can you imagine how that would turn out if a real person was involved? I personally think people who want them have not thought of all that comes with having kids. But I am afraid....what if after I'm settled in my career, but are too old to have a child (I refuse to have one after age 35), and then decide I want one? What if when I am 50 I realize that I was just simply afraid when I was younger? Is there anyone out there who is older and does not have a child or who is older and had a child later in life? Will you please honestly share how you feel about your life regarding this subject? Also, does anyone have an opinion on why I feel that I don't want kids, but also feel a little sad about feeling that way? I wish I could feel one way about it.

It is ok not to want kids. Feeling sad about it may be because you won't be like everyone else around you, you won't be a part of that exclusive group of people who have families and therefore you may not have a lot in common with each other.

It is ok to be different, but be prepared to be misunderstood by a lot of people. You have to stay strong in your beliefs and convictions no matter what. Stay true to yourself.

I am 44 years old and I made the decision not to have kids when I was 26. I had my doubts now and then through the years and sometimes I was a little sad. But when I carefully thought out all that is involved in raising a family, I know I made the right decision for myself and I stuck to it.

People do change their minds. That is ok too. Should you want a child in your 50's some day then look into adoption and fostering if and when the time comes. There are always opportunities to be a parent figure if you want that in your life. There are the big brother/big sister organizations and many other child support groups you can become involved in to make a difference in a child's life.

In the meantime, just be true to yourself. And if that means being child free, then celebrate who you are and stay strong. There are a lot of us out here who have made the same choice, and we support you.

Hi everyone-

Gullivera, I know exactly how you feel about all this. I am actually still in the "self-torturing stage," and I'm not sure how much longer it will last. At my age (38), I feel it isn't safe anymore to have kids even if I wanted them. Many of my friends have kids with Down's, ADHD, bi-polar, etc. and I think that only gets worse with older eggs and sperm.

We talked before we got married and I said I would probably never want them. Hubby was ok with it and changed his mind after 8 years. He would like one. He has told me that he wants to have this experience with me, and if I don't want it, he'd rather be with me than not. Like you, I offered to let him go if he really needed children. He said no.

Some major stuff has gone down lately. His mother had spinal surgery in August and something went terribly wrong. She is now a quadriplegic and may never walk again. He and his sister are handling things. Everyone in his immediate family is out in Colorado (we're in Chicago). He's told me if I do want to try for a baby and have one, we can stay here, but that he misses his family and wants to move.

I feel lately that my options are now: have a baby and stay in Chicago so I have my family near me, or don't have a baby and we move to Colorado and I lose my job and family because he needs to take care of his Mom. The option of not having a baby and staying here is somehow not appealing to him. Things suck lately. Just when we had sorted out the issue, now I'm feeling pressure to have a baby just to stay where I am.

I agree with all the reasons everyone has stated not to have children. Mostly though, I don't want them bad enough to deal with whatever comes out, especially at my age, I am certain something would go wrong. He agrees with me about that, but he seems to think that anything that would go wrong can be detected on an amnio at 16 weeks, which is absolutely not true! Even Down's can have false negatives on an amnio. Also, I don't think it's right to quit halfway through a pregnancy just because a baby isn't perfect. I'd just rather get my head on straight, admit to myself that I don't want kids, period, and get on with living my nice life.

*sigh*

Love you guys!
xoxo