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I met my boyfriend when I was 17 years old. He was 20 and worked next door to where I worked. He would come over on his lunch breaks and we would talk and laugh for as long as we could. He had that "finger to the world" kind of attitude that had me hooked within moments. He made me feel alive. Initially, I promised that we would hang out, but I kept putting it off because I was about to start college and I couldn't afford many distractions. Eventually my mother and I got in a horrible fight and I left with a few bags of things. I had been living in my car for about 3 weeks when he came in and basically demanded that I come over after work. So I closed up shop, picked him up in his works parking lot and we got to his house twenty minutes later. From that day on, I lived with him, his step-mother and her boyfriend. Everything was perfect bliss...For 2 months at least. He threw a party for New Years and by 1 that morning, he was so drunk he could barely walk. I got him in the house and thought we would just be going to bed, but a number on his hand resulted in him screaming at me because I didn't trust him because I asked who had written on him. He pushed me across the room, where I fell, and I took off. My dad picked me up a few blocks from our house. My boyfriend called me almost immediately. He went back and forth from "I love you, I'm so sorry! I can't believe I did that! I didn't mean to hurt you!" to "You're a stupid C***, I knew I wasted my time on you." Eventually I was told to come get my things or they would be gone. So I borrowed my dad's vehicle and went back to pick up the majority of my stuff, all the while listening him degrade and humiliate me. The next morning I went back to get the rest of my things, and found him sleeping. I made noises because I knew if he woke up he would tell me how he had made a terrible mistake, and he didn't really want me to move out and everything would be fine. Well, he woke up, and I left. I got around the corner before I called my closest friend, crying. A moment later, there was a hand on my shoulder and a muffled "I don't want you to go." So I didn't. 4 years later, I'm sitting here hating myself for not being strong enough or brave enough to do what I know I should. I question whether or not I am being abused, because there are so many terrible, horror stories that I've read that my stories seem like I am merely whining. His bursts of "abuse" weren't frequent in the beginning. Every so often, I'd get shoved down to the floor or onto the bed. Which I told myself "Didn't really hurt" so he couldn't have meant to hurt me. That progressed into grabbing my throat and squeezing when I was being irritating. I told myself that when I said "Stop", he let go. So he was just trying to let out some anger. As of late, his favorite thing is to put me in a headlock, choking, grabbing, constantly pushed down over and over and over. Last month he headbutted my nose at a run. These sort of events happen as far apart as a few months and as frequently as every couple of days. He doesn't apologize for such things. It just kind of "never happened". I bury it within myself and pretend that this guy that I met who was so perfect and lovely is all that he really is. And one day. One day he will change and we can be happy all of the time instead of just sometimes. Between my mistakes and his outbursts, he IS sweet and loving and gentle. But every time his demons come out, I can't bare to be breathing. I would sit alone in our bed, while he and the guys sit in the living room drunk as can be and screaming just like they do most nights. (He hasn't had a job since 3 months after we started dating). And I know that within the hour I will be woken up because he "has needs too", just like he does every other night, even though I have work in a few hours. He never tells me "No you can't do that". But I usually end up not doing it because I know he doesn't really want me to go, or I have to be back within the hour or i've been gone much too long. He has always needed mothering. He needs food and shelter and nicotine and sex, and money, and his video games. I've bent myself into what he NEEDS me to be. (Scratch that, what he needs from me). I've bent so far back that I don't know if I can ever stand straight and tall again. Recently, I've moved in with my grandfather who is getting on in his years. This was mostly an excuse to get away from him because my heart and soul and body and will just could not take him anymore. Regardless of the 20 minute distance, and the pain I feel, I can't bring myself to fully leave him. I put on my happy face when I visit and talk like I would to someone who has never hurt me emotionally or physically. The distance has perhaps made things worse. I have more time to think about how I want to end this. If I can end this. If I'm making the right decisions. When I'll be able to do it. I care for him more than I could ever say. He has helped me through so much. I love him, and I hate him just as strongly. I know love is not enough to keep us together, and I know he will always be the way he is. But aside from being afraid of what he will do if I tell him I'm done, I don't know if I could still be me without him. I tell myself that he loves me. I tell myself that if I left he would care. And i believe it. I just don't know if he would care for all the reasons that would break my heart if it happened. I don't know if this is truly abuse. And I don't know if I'm even still sane, but I just needed someone to listen to me for once, instead of always being the solid pillar I'm needed to be.

Welcome more than 'that girl'

I'm glad you're here and have found a place to at least unleash/vent.

I know it's hard to find places where you can just be. Like you're intelligent, you know what's going on, you don't want to feel sorry for yourself but just need to talk it out.

In between all of the "well-meanings," it's just not enough sometimes. You kind of want to just scream, but, if you can believe it, not bother anyone in the process. Go figure.

I had a relationship once where the person was actually intelligent, funny, resourceful, and abused (...) etc.

From afar, they were clever. Once you entered into their world, they were a sensitive individual that felt too comfortable "expressing' themselves whenever the mood hit.

It feels like you have a great deal of love to give. Like a healing personality.

Like a lot of people attracted to sensitive individuals, the more they try to please the many or even the one, outside of themselves, the more they tend to lose themselves because they tend to give it all.

You mentioned you felt you don't know if you could be you w/out him...

You're likely right.

Without him you will go on to reinvent yourself, see?

Your being twisted and bent and sacrificing down to not even being able to breath in and out, is a reflection of you with him.

There's an entirely different person which you ARE, and that's the beauty of what you've got waiting to discover, without him.

That Girl.....You are just like All us Girls fighting the battle of abusive love. You are strong i see that from your post you are aware unlike most of us at first and you know what needs to be done and that is all im going to say on that. You have in so many words already shown you know what you need to do and you have already given yourself that out. The heart strings have still yet to be severed but you have made great steps to make that happen. I have faith in you that you will soon realize its ok to leave him, that the mother is to be left up to his mothering and no longer you. Enjoy your youth while you can have some fun with life take care of "your needs". You have done what you could to make this work and you have grown out of this phase in life and like a caterpillar you make a cocoon and grown to a big and beautiful butterfly. That Girl this is abuse, and you are right to feel a threat here. But you are waking up from this nightmare and giving yourself a chance to explore the unknown. Its scary i know but its so wonderful once you have crossed over from crazy town into paradise, but even paradise has its sad and lonely bad day. And no matter what he has gotten you through is not worth what he is putting you through. Yes it could be worse but do you want to stick around and see how bad it can get or get out with only a little scaring, I waited it out the worst decision i could have made. I almost had my life taken from me. So now even on my really bad days i remind myself it could be worse. Your words are your freedom here use them and take your own advice sometimes its the best given. Haha i have to remind myself to listen to what i preach sometimes. You have support here so technically you will never be alone. Im excited for you in your journey i have a feeling you have a lot of light at the end of your journey with this and you will find many great and fulfilling thing about life and yourself. Keep us posted on how you are doing. I send you {{{hugs}}}}

Please please do not stay with this man any longer. He will hurt you. This will get worse. I know from experience. Go back to school, your job, and focus on you. Learn from this relatinsip what type of man not to go for. In time, you will meet a man in collge, who is educated, has goals in life and will treat you well. Go to school, make good friends, and make a life for yourself. Good luck!