BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Confused...

I hurt with him. I almost hurt more without him. I feel like i'm making all of the wrong decisions. I don't know whats up, down, left, right. I'm lost and scared and alone. Maybe I should give him the chance he wants to prove himself...

I'm so glad to hear from you

I pass through here every couple of weeks or so. Sometimes more and I wonder how all of the beautiful Souls that pass through here as well are doing.

First, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Having gone through this myself, I still never make the assumption I know exactly what another person is going through. Depending on the person you're trying to distance yourself from, each recipe for pain seems to be different with their own special ingredients.

You mentioned making wrong decisions. Do you feel comfortable sharing what you feel you're not doing right? Is it general things or guilt/frustration with deciding whether or not to go back?

One of THE (I just said one of the. There are several) "devils" I call them, in these types of situations is self-loathing (hatred). You're not feeling good about yourself at all.

A. For being in the situation itself. That emotional tug of war. The doing and undoing of decisions trying to get yourself to higher ground.

B. Lonliness. When you look in the mirror and you're not happy with yourself, you think no one else will ever want your company either.

Plus, all the things you got away from, seem not so bad when they haven't happened for awhile.

The irony is, the nice guy or girl that comes along and treats you well...for awhile you either don't trust them or are uncomfortable with how wonderful they think you are.

But, I'm living proof, it can be done. I'm not going to lie, I still have trust issues and it took over 7 years, but there's no such thing as an infinite down hill slope.

If you feel like sharing any more information. Maybe we can put our heads together and help. You're not alone...confused probably, but deffinately not alone!

I so know how you feel,That Girl. I'm going through the same thing. My guy always has this way of talking that makes me feel like he can change will get better, and that I can help him. I feel sad when i'm with him cause he puts me down and doesn't care about my feelings, then when I'm away I miss him. I have no friends cause I've been isolated in this relationship. I love him and want him to change, but he hurts my heart, body and soul too much. It throws a person into such a strange state of confusion it's hard to be rational...

Thank you both for the responses. Elleise, the decision I make that I'm starting to regret are merely telling him I can't do this anymore until he gets his act together. He promised the world, and I said no. I know going back would be foolish, but this pain is horrendous. I haven't been able to leave my bedroom since it happened. I thought that I would feel better. I thought I would feel free. But all I feel is sadness. All I've ever wanted to do is help him and "fix" him, so we can be better and now that he seems serious about it, I feel like all I have done is bail. It feels wrong to me to do this, even if everyone around me is telling me that it is for the best. If I want I can fix it I think. I know what I SHOULD do, but what I want to do is completely different. I just want to run back and have him tell me everything is alright like he always does. But if he doesn't really change, I'm setting myself up for heartbreak, disappointment, abuse, and another few years of agony. And wishingstar, I am with you all the way. It's hard trying to be strong when you feel so weak and hopeless. I also have no friends because I immersed myself into this relationship so the loneliness is amplified ten fold.

And I do feel self-loathing. I feel as though I wasn't good enough to change him in the first place, and I wasn't strong enough to try and see it through. i feel like I have let him down in a way by bailing when he needs me. I feel lonely and angry and I DO tell myself that I was over-reacting and it wasn't that bad, which makes me want to go back more and more.

Hi Thatgirl

There's a lot of ways you can meet friends. Here for instance when you don't have it in you to face the world and it isn't just you I really want you to know.

Do you know how many hundreds of times I hear from pretty much everyone I meet, even people who seem to be well-adjusted with career/job, finances, spirituality, etc. "The world is just so cold anymore, vacant, attention span? 30 sec. or less." They have different ways of describing it.

Also, I understand the feeling you've let someone down too. I use to hear, "Ha, I guess she's not so clairvoyant after all if she was really in a bad situation."

No, that's not it.

You feel what your odds are going in, and out of love and compassion, you have empathy for why they are the way they are and you feel compelled to be there, heal, listen like they say they've never had in their lives and through your sacrifice they can be free and the two of you can then be free together to live in a loving and harmonious way.

Are you living in separate dwellings? I did it both ways, separately and within the home and I never left my bedroom. Neither worked.

We can not "fix" anyone. It's a possibility that doesn't exist. And people say alot of well-meanings, when they want something or are missing something they use to have.

There's one possibility I can think of for you especially and maybe others. If the abuse is due to drinking and the condition is, NOT A DROP, and it's their idea and you live separately until you see first-hand they've nixed it...there's a possibility it could turn around. BUT, but, but, but - they usually sneak the drink after a year or so once they're secure you've no place else to go.

It'll be gradual, like "I slipped" "It's just one drink with the guys. It'll never happen again"

You'll see it in their eyes after they do it. That's your warning. After that, it's like a tornado siren, but it'll be too late.

I think i've pretty much made up my decision that even though he is promising all of these things, he probably will not follow through today when I was talking with my mother. The only part left is talking my heart into it. I love him just as much as I did the day I met him. Yes, there is now anger and frustration, and some days even loathing involved, but to me, its hard falling out of love with someone regardless of what they do to you. I've tried amping myself up, talking with my friend and my mother and everything seems like its going to be fine. But all it takes is the drive back home and a walk up the stairs for me to lose my edge. And what do you know? the second I log on to the computer and see that he has send me a message, I lose my mind and panic and will say almost anything to ensure that he stays in the picture. I haven't told him that i'm coming back, and I won't. That is one thing my responses never include. But now I am also feeling bad because I feel like I am leading him on. He goes back and forth between saying that he will wait for me and that we are over that I never know which I am going to get. And both are horrible. The nice messages lead to tears because I know I can't give in. The mean messages lead to tears because I don't want to give him and the "good days" up. And because I want to believe with all of my heart that he can change. And I wonder...could he be different? How does someone know when its going to be different? I don't know. I'm trying not to think about IF he changes. Just that he put me through some miserable times for many years and I need to be brave. Easier said than done. I am alone and the nights are the hardest. I don't know what to say to him to end it that won't hurt him. And I know that if I close the door on him, he will be out of my life immediately. Losing him as a partner I could handle in time. Losing the guy who has been in my life and has been (when I really needed it) my best friend, the guy I laughed with and who knows me best. Losing that person, I don't know how I am going to be able to deal with.

Well said pergatory. It is so hard when we love them,want to be with them,,but being with them hurts us so. My guy is still trying to convince me he is going to change. They sound so convincing. And I too,that girl feel like I am letting him down by not sticking with him and helping him get through. Like, if my love for him were as strong as I think it is, that it would be enough to make him change. Stay strong ThatGirl. We are here for you through it all.