BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Cycles

Yesterday was our Anniversary. I sat at home for four hours before he showed up, at one in the morning, drunk. We never do anything special because he never has money, but this year was different, because I didn't do a single thing for him. He noticed. He said he has felt me slipping away for the last six months or so. He said he loves me more than anything, I wasn't what he was looking for but I got him hook line and sinker. He said he knows he doesn't deserve me, he knows he got lucky. I told him all the things that bother me about him and our relationship. I said he was an alcoholic and he needed to get a job. I said we were on two different pages in life. I want to settle down and he just wants to have fun. I said he needed to be a man and stop being a bum, and stop taking advantage of me. I told him that I couldn't take him putting his hands on me anymore. And I didn't want to be constantly walking on eggshells anymore. And I didn't want to make him change when he clearly does not want to. He said I was right. That that's who he was and that he was never going to change. He's happy with the way things are. He basically shut down everything I said with an excuse ("There are no eggshells", "Thats how I calm down", "I've never put you in the hospital have I?") He said he knew I was breaking up with him. I had my opportunity to walk away. To just say goodbye. But then he looked me at with the eyes I've been staring into for the past four years, and I said something that I can't take back. I said I wasn't breaking up with him and I'd always be here. He makes me want to die, but I'd die without him. I can't seem to rip myself away from him. I've been talking to people who have been through this and they all say the same thing "You're a great person, you have so much to give, you deserve better!" And it's slowly starting to sink in. But I don't know how to give him up. I don't know how to let him go, and how to be okay with him being without me. The thought of him being with someone else makes me want to rip my hair out. But at the same time, I'm trying so hard to just get past it. he doesn't need someone to look out for him, he is content living in his fantasy world where his step mom pays for him to live with her, pays to feed him and the rest he has gotten from me. He would rather be a bum and mooch off of everyone else than do something to prove that he is worth something. I tell myself over and over that I will be fine without him and I will so so relieved and so much better off. But words that I mumble to myself through out the day aren't cutting it. And I'm sick of thinking about this and crying and not being able to eat or sleep because I'm so scared and confused and my mind wont shut off. I just want this to be easy. I want someone to tell me how to do this because I can't think of anything. I don't think he would have let me go as easily as he was saying, but now I won't know because I blew my shot. And now I'm stuck here in the same position I've been in forever, and I don't know what to do. We ended the conversation with him saying "Our relationship is going to go one of two ways. We are going to be together until we are old and gray, and one of us has to bury the other. Or one of us is going to die much earlier than they should have. And its not going to be me."

Hey there, Yes I can see the cycle there. When you bring up his faults he will twist it to make it seem that you are the one causing them. At least he admitted that he can't change. Many men deny they are abusers. Even after the events of what my partner has done to me, I don't bring it up because he will say I was the cause of him flying off the handle. When I'm in my car alone driving to work, I say what I want to say to him, how I am sick of him hurting me. How I'm walking on eggshells yes it is such a good phrase. How I want him to get help. When I'm with him however, I don't utter anything. I'm more worried about you hun, your last quote made me shiver. I'm not sure what to offer as I too am still with my partner (the abuser), there is so many great days where we are happy, it changes when I defey or deny him any of his pleasures. That man isn't the man I love. It's the man I hate with a passion. After he kept slapping my in the back of my head and choking me after his last attack, I have found my voice has gone quiet, it mumbles alot and I'm kind of losing concentration alot. Yesterday my partner Simon goes "Sirene tell me why are you speaking so quiet again, I only just go you out of doing that. Tell me why?" How does one say to him "Simon, you are the reason why I'm no longer talking clear." He would of course deny it. You however, I'm proud you stood up and had your say. I don't have the confidence to do that as yet. Yet your partner seems intent in holding your choices above your head.

In response to your post, Sirene, I am not sure if he meant that he cannot change his abuse patterns or he cannot change his drinking patterns. I believe it was the latter. I feel your pain about being silent. For four years I kept quiet until I could not take it anymore. I have faith that one day you too will gather the courage to face your abuser. You seem very strong and wise. I wish that I could push some strength your way and help you. Also, I know the "happy days". They are lovely while they are there, aren't they? If only the dark days did not always follow. You have no idea how much I appreciate your response. It strangely makes me stronger knowing that there are others out there going through the exact same thing and feel just as crazy as I do. Since posting this, my partner and I have talked once more. He laid out all these promises. Saying that he could change and he just needed time. He gets a certain amount of money for a legal thing in a few months, and he said we are going to get a new place and hes going to get a job now and hes going to stop drinking. He said he loves me so much and he doesn't want to live without me. I don't know what to think of this. I want to believe him so badly. He is saying all of the things I have always wanted him to say. As awful as it is that it took me threatening to leave for him to "change", I am begrudgingly happy about it. As a side note, since I have moved, I have begun talking with another man. We have yet to do "anything" like that or even talk about it, but he seems to be quite serious about me. And he is a true gentlemen who I know I would be happy with. But my heart cannot take that leap. I am still a prisoner to my abuser, no matter how far away I get. On top of all of this, my parents have begun to gang up on me, calling me "pathetic" and to quote my father specifically, a "loser" because I still haven't cut ties with my partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I believe it will come to this. My father in particular will never get over it if I don't leave him. I wish you luck on your journey. I hope one day we will both be free and as happy as I know we both deserve.

Gosh Sirene,

I just read this thread (this is related to Thatgirl) I miswrote the name...sorry.

Thats' why the drinking thing came through in a previous post in another thread.

Well, I can tell you with complete sincerity, I understand now where a "chord" might be coming from.

A chord is something heart-felt and emotional scar basically that's taken root in the Soul. From this root "treelings" grow and we begin a cultivated garden of sorts with life decisions and attractions...things that compliment our "garden."

I could never say to my daughter she was pathetic, nor could I be supportive of her staying with an alcoholic abusive partner.

It's easy to say and do anything when you're drunk and missing the way things use to be. He's still drinking - that's all you need to know for now, that's the answer to the question.

You could go back, certainly. It's usually easier to go backwards than it is to go forwards because we've already been back there. It's familiar. Forward...not so much. That's scary.

If you're living separately, think to that as a notch in your belt. Now you take the next step and make a friend. Then you take another step and do something of interest, like through common interests, look into a cooking class or something, grow one herb in a pot or transplant one from the groccery store and put it on your counter for when winter heads closer.

Plants are especially brilliant at lifting spirits in the grey months because the regenerate, live, grow and smell great among other things.

I feel if it could happen and you could go back, at this point, it's too soon. Your being needs to be built back up, strengthened and taught what it is to be loved.

Then, see.