BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Need advice about what to say

This is kind of a long story. Almost 3 years ago I met my boyfriend and fell in love. We have been living together for 2 years. I knew he had a son and I am ok with that. I can't have children of my own and actual feel more comfortable dating men who already have them because it kind of takes the pressure off of that whole thing. His son lived an hour and a half away and when he visits with his son he stays with his older sister who lives near his son to avoid excess driving and costs. The problem with this setup is that I have only met his son 1 time in 3 years which I have voiced my concerns to him about. My boyfriend was never married to the mother of his child and when I met him they had no formal agreements for anything. He was voluntarily paying $600 a month even after he got laid off during the recession from his job of 10 years. Their relationship had not been a good one. He was undiagnosed bipolar when they were together and had a lot of trust issues because of his horrible family and past relationships. He loves his son very much though and has made a lot of changes for the better in the last few years because he doesn't want to screw up his life like his family messed his up. He got on meds, went to counseling, got a really good job, etc. They finally put in a child support agreement and he has it pulled straight from his paycheck so he doesn't forget or miss the money but they have never drawn up any sort of custody agreement. I have been pushing him to do that because she almost moved to Florida last year with his child and there would have been nothing he could do about it. He lives in California. Recently he found out that he could transfer to another office within his company that is 20 minutes from where his son lives. So we decided to move to the same town as his son. I gave notice to my work a couple of months ahead because I knew that we needed to find time to train someone and started making plans for the move. I was working part time and going to a local Jr. College. The town we are moving to has a 4 year school and a lot more opportunities so I wasn't giving up much to move there and in fact I had thought about moving there even before this. I started bringing up the fact that I did not know his son more regularly at this point. "What if he doesn't like me?" I asked. He said, "Don't worry he likes everyone." I felt that my concerns were being dismissed a bit lightly. My parents got divorced when I was a kid and I remember liking some of the women my dad dated and hating others. My dad always put his kids first though and to be honest that is what I expect my boyfriend to do. I have no illusions that I would ever come first before his child and I wouldn't respect a man that didn't feel the same way so his cavalier attitude about the whole thing was bothering me. As I asked more questions about things and offered to meet the mother of his child so that she would be more comfortable with me I became suspicious. I asked him one day, "Does she even know I exist?" The answer as I suspected was no. We had been dating for 3 years, living together for 2 and I was about to move down and be around her son and she didn't know I existed. I was so [censored] off. Not because I am one of those women that are all, "He's my man!" I was actually [censored] off on her behalf and his child's. He is always freaked out about her using any information she knows about him as leverage because frankly she has done so in the past. I said, "I know you are going to say that this isn't her business but you are wrong. She can't choose who you date but she has every right to know about the people who are going to be around her child." Men are such idiots sometimes. He didn't even remotely think out the long term consequences to not telling her. I mean yes she might have been bitchy about him dating because of their issues but she would have gotten over it eventually or we could have figured out some sort of compromise. I told him that now she is going to be [censored] because you lied to her and what if she doesn't let him come over now? One of the main reasons we were moving down was so that he could have his child over at his home instead of having to stay with his sister all the time. I was so upset that after thinking about it for awhile I broke things off with him. I felt that even if it wasn't an intentional lack of respect on his part he was being really stupid and making things more difficult in an already difficult situation. I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with that. But then I had another problem. I had no car of my own (we were sharing his after my car broke down and we couldn't afford the reairs) and now no job because I had already trained my replacement. I really still loved him but I wasn't going to let this pass because I was so angry and upset over the entire deal. I decided to move to Texas and stay with my brother. He had a car I could use and the unemployment rate was lower. I hated it there. I was miserable and didn't fit in. Everything came to head when I had an opportunity for a job and found myself not wanting to take it. I missed him so much and we did a lot of talking about his issues with his ex and not doing the right thing. I have been married before and when I left him I was so relieved to be out of the relationship. This time though I never felt relieved. I just felt like I was missing my other half. He was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and this was the biggest argument we had ever had. While it was a huge deal I just couldn't imagine not trying to figure this whole thing out. So I decided to move back. My plane ticket is for the 12th of October. In the meantime while I was in Texas he found a place down there and moved on the first. He told his ex about me and she as I suspected did not take it well. She just told him that his son was not going to be able to spend the night at his place anymore. I can't say I blame her but my boyfriend is devastated. I am not looking for sympathy for him. I know he was an [censored] and probably deserves everything he is getting. What he and I need to do now is work on establishing trust with her and for me to get to know his son. I want to meet her and help her become more comfortable with me. Me not moving in with him isn't really an option. I am coming back to California and I have no where else to stay. I have no income until I find a job and no car except the one we will share. I am not going back there to sponge off him because I had no alternative or something. I could have stayed in Texas but we were both so damn miserable without each other we couldn't stand it. He is still going to see his son but it is just going to take work to get things to a good place. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or feel like I am trying to intrude. I feel really bad about this whole deal and if I had know that she didn't know about me I would have gotten him to tell her a heck of a lot sooner. I just feel bad that I didn't push to meet her or to get to know their son a lot sooner than I did. It was stupid of me to wait until we were getting ready to move down there. But I can't change the past. I can only try to make up for everything in the future. The thing that really kills me is that he has made so many strides in becoming a better person that now even if he tries to tell her all the things he has done to better himself she isn't going to believe him because he kept this from her and reinforced her bad image of him. I know there isn't a magic fix. I just wish I knew what to say or do. Should I be all, "I am so sorry for everything that has happened and I was very angry at him on your behalf which is one of the reasons I broke up with him. But I love him and I just want you to know that I am doing everything in my power to make sure that he is a better man and a better father for your son. He has changed so much since I first met him and he ruined his chance to show you this. He has a lot of work to do to restore your trust and mine. I just hope that someday he can prove to you what kind of man and father he has the potential to be. I am not here to intrude or take over your family. But there is a good chance that someday I will be your son's step-mother and I would like us at the very least to have a cordial relationship for his sake." Is that too much, too little, wrong thing to say? I don't know and frankly the boyfriend is so freaked out about pissing her off again that he isn't really much help on that end. Oh and just for information sake the boyfriend and I are both going to be 34 in December and I believe his ex is just a couple of years younger than us. His son is 5.

This is just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt. I have dealt with a spiteful ex for many years now. I don't feel like you owe her anything. He didn't tell her that he had a girlfriend. In reality it is none of her business. Having his son around a nice female role model is not a bad thing. It would be different if he were taking him to bars with him to pick up chicks and not telling her. If he were acting in ways detrimental to the boys health and well being, she would have a valid complaint. In his defense, he didn't tell her because he didn't want to deal with her wrath. My experience with bitter ex's has been that if you try and be their friends, or apologize or give them an ounce of an upperhand, they will take it and run a mile with it. I would be friendly and cordial. I would not apologize for your existence or because she wasn't included in his decision to have a relationship with you. I also would NEVER tell her that a decision that he made with something do to with her caused you to break up with him. Don't consider yourself the intruder. I know this sounds harsh, and cold. I know that in your mind that you want it to be one giant, perfect, blended family. And, hopefully you can figure out how to do that. The sad part is, it just isn't that easy. When my husband and I met, I actually thought his exwife and I would be great friends. We talked to each other on the phone, hung out together at sporting events for the kids. I was even comfortable enough for us to move 5 minutes away from her. It wasn't until then that I realized I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. All this time I was befriending her, she was taking things I said and twisting and manipulating them to my husband to cause rifts between us. Luckily, my husband was in tune with me enough to know she was lying. So, I cut off all ties with her, and then she really got nasty. She could no longer manipulate me herself, therefore she had her children do it for her. Which is a much harder dynamic for my husband to see. I'm not trying to scare you, I just am not sure that I would buddy up to the ex. In time she will see you are a good role model for their son. And if she doesn't, it doesn't really matter. She can't dictate who his father dates. If your bf truely want visitation, go to court and get visitation. His ability to be an active participant in his son's life should never revolve around his new girlfriend. He shouldn't have to prove anything to her. He needs to prove it to the courts. I don't know if this helps at all. This is just my opinion, and it may not be much, so like I said before take it with a grain of salt.