Hello again,
I posted on here before (and thank you all who replied, it helped me more than you can ever imagine.) And while I do not write much I do read many of the posts. I have come to realize this is a safe place where one is not judged or criticized for being a certain way or having certain feelings and that is truly hard to find. So thank you all for being the accepting and nurturing people you are.
I would like to tell of an experience I had if nothing more than to get it off of my chest. As I wrote in my other post, I have had 'visitors' most of my life and was not encouraged to speak of it. I don't know how many of you are this way, but it is a lot of stress to keep so much inside because it is such a big part of my life, whether I want it to be or not. My family is usually freaked out if I should tell them something that happens so I tend to just keep it all in. I don't think it is healthy but it is me.
Back in early March, I had a dream of a woman. I was in my room, and she just walked in and called my name and said "hey, do you want to be friends? You seem so nice and I get lonely sometimes." She was about my age, mid 40's and she seemed to me like I had seen her before so I asked her if I knew her and she said " of course you do" I asked her from where did I know her and she said " my name is Z.. D... you and I have so much in common Sandy. I need a friend and you need a friend." I said "sure, I could use a friend" and she said "then come and visit me sometime" and left. I woke up and remembered it so vividly. This was around the time I was going through what was a very rough period with my ex. I thought we were trying to work things out but ..... anyway, that morning I had this nagging feeling inside my head to go for a walk. I have been telling myself I was going to start walking for years and I always came up with excuses. (I guess I am not so different from others in that way) I really did , and still do , need to lose weight. So I just bit the bullet so to speak and started walking. I was very out of shape and made it about a half of a mile up the road to this little cemetery on the side of the road. I have always had a 'pull' towards cemeteries since I can remember, not sure why though, they just fascinate me. So I thought I would go in and look around while I caught my breath. I walked the side to the back and then each row up until I come to the front row. It is a very old cemetery and the most recent date in there is 1926. I have been there before but years ago and thought nothing about it until I get to the last stone which is closest to the road up front. There is Z...D..! It is not a common name so I think it has to be the same person. I had chills go through me and I just stood there for probably a half an hour. I was actually talking to the stone asking how she knew who I was and what did she want from me? I read the dates and she died 100 years before I was born! She died in 1866 and I wasn't born until 1966 so how could we have known each other. Also I was not born in this area, I moved here 12 years ago. I have no answers but lots of questions. I wonder if she lived on this property that the house I live in now sits on? I live with my sister and her family and many times I have 'felt' someone here. I have heard things that no one else hears. I have felt the couch or bed sink beside me as if someone is sitting there. My family jokingly tells me to stay away from them and not to bring my ghosts in the house. Although I did have one whisper in my ear where to look for something my sister lost and there it was!! She was ok with my ghosts then. ON the plus side, I continued to walk up until about a month ago, when an unfortunate little accident sidetracked me, and lost 30 pounds and I was able to walk 3 miles without being winded, so maybe she came to me to be my "health friend" She has not come back since but I have stopped by and said hi a couple times a week.
Last night I dreamed of my ex's dog "Angel", She is still alive as far as I know. Angel and I were very close and my ex always said she didn't like it that her dog liked me more than she liked her. I don't think she liked me more, we just had a connection if you will. I would do anything for Angel and she knows it. Angel was sitting in front of Z..D..'s stone in my dream. I was standing there and Angel said "please don't let her die alone. No one should die alone Sandy" I woke up so scared that she was talking about my ex or possibly herself? It was 3 something in the morning and I didn't want to call my ex at that hour, not that she would answer it, so I prayed that they were ok. I woke up around 6 and about 10:30 something told me to walk. It was pouring rain and I really did not want to go out but I did. I walked to the cemetery and there behind Z...D...'s stone was a kitten about 4 months old, soaking wet and meowing very weakly. I picked it up and went to stand under a tree to block the rain. The kitten was so scrawny and I was afraid I would hurt him but I dried him off as best as I could and kept petting him, I was talking to him and started singing, I don't know why I always sing when trying to calming an animal down?. He was purring a bit, I don't think he could see his eyes were cloudy. I thought I would take him home, we have outdoor cats so I thought one more won't hurt. I snuggled him in my sweatshirt and walked back home in the rain being careful not to jostle him much. It took me some time to get home and when I did, he had stopped breathing. I felt terrible, like I had killed him by moving him! I took him to the barn and held him for about an hour hoping to bring him back to life I guess, there was nothing, no sign of life. Finally I took him out to the field and dug a grave and buried him. I don't know why Angel came to me about this kitten, how did she know about him? She lives 20 minutes away and why at that headstone? I don't understand it all. Surely there are other animals that die alone everyday. Why Angel and why at that headstone? I don't expect answers , I just need to get it off my chest like I said. Thank you all.
