BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child Free; Nature, Nurture or both?

Dinahlove, it is so interesting that you bring this up. I myself made the metaphor you're making: that when I finally admitted to myself and world that I didn't want kids, it was like "coming out of the closet" if you will. I was scared, I've been called selfish and un-Christian, I've put up with everyone's judgement, and though it has been hard and cost me my marriage, I'm happier now admitting who I feel I really am. It was hard telling my mother that I didn't want kids, and she almost cried when I did tell her. She said she loves me and to do what makes me happy. It does seem to parallel the same burden that a gay person must endure themselves. As for nature vs. nurture, I think there is definitely some nature involved. I can remember not wanting kids, not wanting to babysit or hold the baby, not wanting anything to do with it. Pregnancy and babies and the whole nine yards made me disgusted. My ex tried to convince me I was crazy (I saw a therapist and psychiatrist for 6 months before the marriage finally ended) and it didn't work. I couldn't deny it. It's who I am, who I was as a child, and who I probably always will be. So I guess we're on the same page. Some of it is my choice, but I've always known deep down inside. I just never had the courage to say it.

As a geneticist, I've often contemplated that very question. For, it would seem to anyone that a trait that would compel a person to not want to pass on their genes would be a trait that would die out very quickly. Then again, there are instances of many species in which most individuals do not reproduce (eusocial species such as bees and naked mole rats) and some species where individuals will only ever try to reproduce if they feel there is enough space and resources. I remember reading about a species of bird (can't remember the name) where the first child usually never leaves the nest and reproduces. It stays with its parents to help raise all future offspring, and only ever leaves and reproduces if a close by territory opens up or if the parents die and it can take over the territory. The hypothesis is that it gains more reproductive benefit from helping spreads its genes via its siblings than it probably would as an individual because it lives in a very harsh ecosystem. Man, I wish I could remember the name of this bird. However, in the case of human homosexuality, while I most certainly believe that people are born that way, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a genetic trait. Some scientists hypothesize that a mother's hormone levels can affect the fetus' brain functions, producing a homosexual individual. In which case, they are most certainly "born that way," but it isn't something they would pass on (as indicated by the fact that there is no evidence to suggest homosexuality is genetic). It's not my area of expertise, and I really don't have an opinion on the matter. It's all very controversial. All I'm going to say is I have many lovely gay friends, and it doesn't matter to me how they came to be that way.

As for us childfree, I don't know. Maybe it's genetic, but then again, why would all my siblings want kids but not me? Maybe it is nurture, but again, we were all raised the same way, so why would all my siblings want kids but not me? Human psychology is a very complex thing, which is why most geneticists like me who attempt to study behavior prefer to do it on ANY OTHER organism. For all other creatures, all behavior will boil down to one of two things: will help me survive and/or will help me reproduce.

I don't know. Somewhere, a part of me thinks it may have something to do with over-crowding. Various species of rodents in high density populations will not reproduce as often as they do when population levels are low. Even in lab experiments where they are given enough resources, they simply won't reproduce often (and in one experiment, the parents showed poor parenting skills and aggression towards offspring... yikes). It could be a stress hormone thing that induces it, or pheromones maybe. Most other animals will reproduce as often as they can, and then those that out-compete the others will continue to reproduce as often as they can. So, maybe we are just the first wave big wave of people who are being affected by the feeling of being over-crowded?

Seriously, I've spent more hours than I should have wondering about it. But, we'll probably never know. Sorry to bore everyone with my useless biology chatter. Imagine how my poor husband feels

-D

A very interesting parallel between the child-free and the LGBT community, and I totally agree now that it was pointed out to me =) I recently got married - just this month - and am getting the ever-popular, "So when are there little ones on the way?" Saying that I have NO interest in kids gets varying responses, but I've gotten some outright horrified people that have suggested that I am selfish and uncaring to say that I in no way, shape or form want kids. I have never been comfortable around kids -- I never know how to act around them -- and there's little that's more terrifying than the thought of having children.

I'm not sure that it's a case of not being nurturing, as we've instead "replaced" children with two dogs, a cat, and have two chinchillas on the way. To me, they ARE my kids. We got our dogs as 8-week-old puppies, from a breeder that turned out to be less than reputable. Our boy had parasites and worms, with all the internal damage that came from an infection from birth... and there were many long nights of just sitting up with him and comforting him as he cried from the pain. He's happy, healthy, and sitting at my feet now... and he still has his moments where he crawls all my lap to cuddle (all 50+ pounds of him), and he has become one of the most affectionate creatures I know. But that makes me think that perhaps many of those who choose not to have kids aren't necessarily not nurturing... but might not be nurturing toward human children.

I have no doubts that if I saw anyone hurting one of my animals, I would react with every bit the maternal instinct that any mother would - regardless of the consequences to me; that doesn't matter, as long as they are safe.

It annoys me to no end when people say that it's not the same just because my animals weren't made inside me. By that argument, doesn't that suggest that people who adopt are somehow not as devoted to their children because they didn't actually, physically give birth to them?

The idea of being bothered by over-crowding is also an intriguing one... I've said many times that there is so much wrong with this world, that I couldn't bring someone else into it knowing what they were in for. Cynical, perhaps, but maybe there's something to that -- maybe there is some kind of innate awareness that we're going to ruin it for everyone if we all just keep multiplying exponentially.

I love Jayme Rodemeyer,good boy.

Great topic. In psych we learned that moony traits are a blend of the two, nature and nurture. I also found interesting the comparison between us and the LGBT community.